mrvoodoo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 So Im currently in College and theres a girl I've been seeing a in the same dorm as I am. We met in the beginning of December and instantly hit it off, it progressed to dinners every night where I would stay over at her room or her at mine. However before we could bring up any labelsduring Mid-december and school broke up for break. I went to visit a Friend in Europe for the duration and she went back to London. During the break we've been speaking everyday over texts and the occasional Video call on skype and my feelings for her have considerably grown stronger. We're meeting up in London before we both head back to school for a couple of days and getting a hotel room together and Im just wondering if its too soon to ask the question on whether or not if we should be exclusive? I know by the time we see each other next ( a week more) we'll have known each other for over a month but with the break im wondering if I should wait a bit longer before I ask her to be exclusive. I really do like her and enjoy spending time with her and she has made a considerable effort since we've been apart during the break. What do you all think?
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It's entirely up to you but since you are already physically intimate, having a discussion about exclusivity seems to be in order.
Ieris Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I usually ask before i get intimate with someone... 4
Assada Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Why would you want to bother her with that question. IMO its way too early to talk about something like that. - Its been 1 month, and you dont know her yet. She doesnt know you. All that question is saying is "Im needy, and not confident in myself, and I need to lock you down by asking you to be exclusive." - She should also being the one making those decisions, if I'm absolutely honest
bachdude Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 So Im currently in College and theres a girl I've been seeing a in the same dorm as I am. We met in the beginning of December and instantly hit it off, it progressed to dinners every night where I would stay over at her room or her at mine. However before we could bring up any labelsduring Mid-december and school broke up for break. I went to visit a Friend in Europe for the duration and she went back to London. During the break we've been speaking everyday over texts and the occasional Video call on skype and my feelings for her have considerably grown stronger. We're meeting up in London before we both head back to school for a couple of days and getting a hotel room together and Im just wondering if its too soon to ask the question on whether or not if we should be exclusive? I know by the time we see each other next ( a week more) we'll have known each other for over a month but with the break im wondering if I should wait a bit longer before I ask her to be exclusive. I really do like her and enjoy spending time with her and she has made a considerable effort since we've been apart during the break. What do you all think? I can't help but be struck by the generation gap between me and this post and similar ones on this forum! Makes me chuckle at myself a bit! You seem to be saying that you have spent the night with each other, and intimating that you have slept together (i.e sex). You keep in touch with each other and are planning more meet ups. Is there really anything to discuss? Maybe this is just generational, but isn't it implied? If she found out you started seeing someone else, what would she probably do? I bet she'd drop you! And if you found out she was seeing someone else wouldn't you do the same? When a relationship progresses to the stage you are describing, only a small number of people would consider it proper to start dating someone else on the side. Or tell me, am I totally out of it? I am in my 40s, and I never had an "exclusive" conversation with any girl or woman, except in 7th grade when i asked a girl to "go steady" with me! I never brought it up and my GFs never brought it up. When the relationship reached a certain stage it was just understood. Just let it go. If she is into you, and she appears to be, just relax. She's probably not going to suddenly start dating other guys. And if she does, a talk about being exclusive isn't going to stop it.
Jules Dash Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I am in my 40s, and I never had an "exclusive" conversation with any girl or woman, except in 7th grade when i asked a girl to "go steady" with me! I never brought it up and my GFs never brought it up. When the relationship reached a certain stage it was just understood. . Yes, times might have changed. I am in my 40s too and couldn't remember having these conversations when I was in my 30s but out of the last 5 women I have dated, 4 brought the exclusive conversation to me, two within the past week so now I am in an exclusive relationship. I don't know what happened but I had some gray areas going on so I could see why the women I was dating needed to ask. Mainly, I met them all online so they know how that works.
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I can't help but be struck by the generation gap between me and this post and similar ones on this forum! Makes me chuckle at myself a bit! You seem to be saying that you have spent the night with each other, and intimating that you have slept together (i.e sex). You keep in touch with each other and are planning more meet ups. Is there really anything to discuss? Maybe this is just generational, but isn't it implied? If she found out you started seeing someone else, what would she probably do? I bet she'd drop you! And if you found out she was seeing someone else wouldn't you do the same? When a relationship progresses to the stage you are describing, only a small number of people would consider it proper to start dating someone else on the side. Or tell me, am I totally out of it? I am in my 40s, and I never had an "exclusive" conversation with any girl or woman, except in 7th grade when i asked a girl to "go steady" with me! I never brought it up and my GFs never brought it up. When the relationship reached a certain stage it was just understood. Just let it go. If she is into you, and she appears to be, just relax. She's probably not going to suddenly start dating other guys. And if she does, a talk about being exclusive isn't going to stop it. I'm now 50 and yes growing up in small town Midwest farm country having sex after a few dates pretty much constituted "going steady." but times have changed and it is something that needs to be expressly agreed upon now and not assumed. What I don't know is when is the best time to broach the subject. from a guys perspective I guess I'd say if you are sexually active and you are willing to be exclusive to her and you want her to be exclusive to you, then state your intentions and objectives clearly. If she isn't in agreement with them, then it's not meant to be. IMHO it's better to pursue what you want and not completely accomplish it, than sit on your hands hoping you are developing a meaningful relationship only to find out the hard way she's banging the entire backfield of the football team and has no intentions of stopping until she's gone through all the special teams as well. 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think exclusivity is sort of assumed if two people appear to make a commitment. I met a guy who wants to commit to continuing something long distance with me, whereby I will only see him once a month initially. He just said " I will make the time to make it work. I hope you reciprocate my effort" If a person makes a commitment to you through words and then backs it up by actions - that means you are exclusive unless they are a heartless sociopath. Some things don't need to be said. Any normal person who made commitments and who asks you to be in a relationship with them - is not out dating others. You don't always have to SAY " look, I am not dating others".
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think exclusivity is sort of assumed if two people appear to make a commitment. I met a guy who wants to commit to continuing something long distance with me, whereby I will only see him once a month initially. He just said " I will make the time to make it work. I hope you reciprocate my effort" If a person makes a commitment to you through words and then backs it up by actions - that means you are exclusive unless they are a heartless sociopath. Some things don't need to be said. Any normal person who made commitments and who asks you to be in a relationship with them - is not out dating others. You don't always have to SAY " look, I am not dating others". Sorry I disagree. Exclusivity is a contract and there for it must be expressed and mutually agreed to the terms. Dating is inherently a free-will enterprise and each party is entitled to remain in the dating arrangment or walk away at any moment. Each party is also entitled to date whoever they want whenever they want at any time. Exclusivity can NOT be assumed untill it is mutually and expressly agreed upon. It is free market place. Even once exclusive dating is agreed upon, either party can terminate the exclusivity or the dating at any point without repercussion. Engagement and marriage are the point where 'commitment' begins to take on legal repercussions (unless another legal contract(s) are entered into such as a lease agreement or mortgage or car loan etc) I'm getting ahead of myself here but the bottom line is exclusivity cannot be assumed, it must be expressed and mutually agreed upon. 1
Author mrvoodoo Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Thank you all for the feedback! So what I've detracted from most of it right now is either some viewing that its okay to go ahead, some saying I should leave it be, some saying I should definitely not ask as it is too young to be defined. I agree that with the comment above saying that exclusivity is a mutually agreed thing, especially with dating so grey in today's modern context with so many variables being involved Tinder, Online Dating etc. Anyway I planned on popping the question during our trip up to London but now I am having second thoughts, maybe I should wait and see how we both are during the duration of our trip before I make any decisions? What do you all think?
Diezel Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think exclusivity is sort of assumed if two people appear to make a commitment. Have you read half the threads on LS? Most of them are assumptions of exclusivity from men or women: "Well we had sex, so we're boyfriend/girlfriend right?" And that's where the problems begin. We need to start preaching COMMUNICATION rather than assuming. No appearances, no assumptions. But to the OP, do NOT ask. Wait to see what happens in London when you get the room together and THEN wait to see what happens once school starts up again. You don't want to jump the gun just yet.
TabbyHearts Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 We need to start preaching COMMUNICATION rather than assuming. No appearances, no assumptions. ^^this, yes
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Isnt it the girls who bring up the exclusive thing? Either way I dont think a month is long enough to worry about that. Times must have changed because nothing should be assumed in dating anymore wether sex is happening or not.
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Seems to me that the old fashioned view of:- we are seeing each other, we are planning more dates, we are having sex, therefore we are exclusive doesn't hold water any longer. To assume, causes so much heart-ache, usually amongst those who wouldn 't even contemplate multi-dating or sleeping with two or more partners at the same time. So I agree with Oldshirt's comment "the bottom line is exclusivity cannot be assumed, it must be expressed and mutually agreed upon." 1
Redhead14 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 A gentleman who is serious about the woman he is dating will bring up the exclusivity talk prior to becoming intimate with her. And this shouldn't happen for a couple of months at least. That being said, over the course of the dating process between a man and a woman, it is wise for one of them at least to bring up the conversation about what they are looking for for themselves in general in their dating experiences. In other words, there should at some point be a casual discussion regarding whether each of them is looking for a serious relationship, a casual relationship or whatever ever relationship model they want in the long run. If at that point they are on the same page and decide to become intimate, then they will agree to be exclusive. If for some reason, say the heat of passion, exclusivity isn't discussed, the woman can and should at least impose self-exclusivity. IN other words, she tells him she will not become intimate with anyone else while she is still being intimate with him. If he says he doesn't want exclusivity, she can decide to move on or wait for him to decide he wants that. In the meantime, they must use protection, and she can date others until she decides to become intimate with one of them. If she does, she should drop the first man.
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Sorry I disagree. Exclusivity is a contract and there for it must be expressed and mutually agreed to the terms. Dating is inherently a free-will enterprise and each party is entitled to remain in the dating arrangment or walk away at any moment. Each party is also entitled to date whoever they want whenever they want at any time. Exclusivity can NOT be assumed untill it is mutually and expressly agreed upon. It is free market place. Even once exclusive dating is agreed upon, either party can terminate the exclusivity or the dating at any point without repercussion. Engagement and marriage are the point where 'commitment' begins to take on legal repercussions (unless another legal contract(s) are entered into such as a lease agreement or mortgage or car loan etc) I'm getting ahead of myself here but the bottom line is exclusivity cannot be assumed, it must be expressed and mutually agreed upon. You sound about as romantic as a divorce lawyer! And you are trying to impose legal and free market ideology in places where they don't belong. I'll take Romeo and Juliet over Blackstone any day! I get it about marriage and betrothal having legal ramifications -- but there are all kinds of implied and also overt commitments that we make all the time without making it into a legal or civil contract. I'm sorry but turning romance into something like a mortgage contract or car loan is not the direction to go! This is not to say that people should not make understandings about where they stand. But many/most of the understandings are implicit. For example: I hit it off with someone, we end up sleeping together. Maybe in this day and age that means nothing to a lot of people. Maybe I have the right to go screw someone else. But my girlfriend gets wind of it and boy is she ever pi$$$ed. Now according to the contract idea, she has no "right" to feel that way. Some people would even say she has no "reason" to. But pi$$ed she is, it's human nature, and she has right and reason on her side. I get dumped and I damn well deserve it!
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 That is a lot of rules I dont think the exclusive conversation should come up til well after things have been intimate. My opinion of course.
Redhead14 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) You sound about as romantic as a divorce lawyer! And you are trying to impose legal and free market ideology in places where they don't belong. I'll take Romeo and Juliet over Blackstone any day! I get it about marriage and betrothal having legal ramifications -- but there are all kinds of implied and also overt commitments that we make all the time without making it into a legal or civil contract. I'm sorry but turning romance into something like a mortgage contract or car loan is not the direction to go! This is not to say that people should not make understandings about where they stand. But many/most of the understandings are implicit. For example: I hit it off with someone, we end up sleeping together. Maybe in this day and age that means nothing to a lot of people. Maybe I have the right to go screw someone else. But my girlfriend gets wind of it and boy is she ever pi$$$ed. Now according to the contract idea, she has no "right" to feel that way. Some people would even say she has no "reason" to. But pi$$ed she is, it's human nature, and she has right and reason on her side. I get dumped and I damn well deserve it! A mature woman in this day and age, who is experienced and saavy will be able to accept that a man is seeing other women while dating her. Yes, she may feel a a little slighted, however, if she's dating other two the playing field is even. She is not a man's girlfriend just because she is sleeping with him. She is his girlfriend when he asks her to be and if he does, he's not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. There should be no assumptions being made regarding the status of a relationship while dating, except when there hasn't been good communication, in which case, they should assume that the other one is seeing other people. Communication is the key to managing your dating life. And, if a woman has become intimate with the man and he has not made his intentions clear to her, it is her responsibility for her own good, to bring up the discussion especially when she becomes frustrated and fretting about it. If that is the case, all that frustration and fretting will come across in ways that will doom any potential for a developing relationship. Edited December 31, 2014 by Redhead14
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 before we could bring up any labels during Mid-december and school broke up for break. I went to visit a Friend in Europe for the duration and she went back to London. During the break we've been speaking everyday over texts and the occasional Video call on skype and my feelings for her have considerably grown stronger. We're meeting up in London before we both head back to school for a couple of days and getting a hotel room together and Im just wondering if its too soon to ask the question on whether or not if we should be exclusive? What do you all think? To my older ears, it sounds really odd to hear you speaking of this as "bringing up labels" as if you were deciding what to write on a lab jar or a ticket on a clothing item or something. You're going to share a hotel room, I presume -- correct me if I'm wrong -- that you'll be sleeping and having some sort of sexual relationship, and that this is already ongoing. When I was your in situation -- college student, long ago -- it was just sort of assumed or understood that if you were sleeping with someone, that you were "exclusive" -- that you weren't going to be sleeping with anyone else or looking for others as romantic partners. The norms were already beginning to disintegrate, of course, and they had never been completely firm. (That is why we have things like marriage, which was a far more serious business back then). But if you were in a sexual or romantic relationship, and you strayed, you were considered kind of a dog if you were male and slutty if female. As to your situation in the present -- by all means, if you feel that way about her, and you think it's reciprocal -- have a discussion and come to an understanding of where you are and what kind of commitment you have. Personally, I don't think it's all too early or unreasonable. There are stages of commitment, you're not committing to spending eternity or even your mortal life together. This is something that a lot of people don't understand, hence part of the reason many people are reluctant to "commit." What you would be committing to is another matter and of course up to you and her.
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 A mature woman in this day and age, who is experienced and saavy will be able to accept that a man is seeing other women while dating her. Yes, she may feel a a little slighted, however, if she's dating other two the playing field is even. Well, that's one point of view, and a pretty common one. Sex and the City was and is popular for a reason. People have a right, in this day and age anyway, to live that way. The lifestyle (or way of life) depicted there is however not one that I admire or respect. I have a right to feel and think that way. A great many people, perhaps a large majority in society, see things more my way. I look at the results for individuals and for society of the SatC lifestyle, and I'm not impressed.
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Its funny you bring up Romeo and Juliet, with a little bit of communication and a lot less assumption they would have lived happily ever after 2
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Why would you want to bother her with that question. IMO its way too early to talk about something like that. - Its been 1 month, and you dont know her yet. She doesnt know you. They don't even "know" each other but they're sexually intimate? And that's par for the course? Then how bizarre the age we live in!
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Its funny you bring up Romeo and Juliet, with a little bit of communication and a lot less assumption they would have lived happily ever after Tell it to the Shakespeare rewrite team for the next Hollywood remake. And I'll bet if they had brought the family lawyers in, it would have been even better!
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It seems to be common on here for fans of the good old days to belittle the way things are done now. I dont see any reason behind it other than their particular distaste for it. I have no issues with the way things have been in the past but I like the way it is now better, doesn't mean ill belittle or insult those who choose a more traditional way of dating.
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Tell it to the Shakespeare rewrite team for the next Hollywood remake. And I'll bet if they had brought the family lawyers in, it would have been even better! I think it all went wrong when other people stuck their oar in actually. No doubt there will be a remake of it set in America with all American actors... Oh wait too late
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