Affair(s)

[Popsicle]

That's the thing.

We have a lot of friends,and all of them are better than this guy.

This has never happened before and I know of a few instances where she was hit on by them.

To me,it just seems like she truly thought she was done with me,felt close to this guy and a relationship happened.

 

She thought she was done with you? Yes, she did. And then she changed her mind. And this is fine to you? You are just happy to be the chosen one by her?

 

I guess you do really love her. Go back with your wife.

[Clay]

This is the thing you really just need to get through your head OP. It was just as hard for me to understand too. Your W would not have cheated on you if she really was in love with you. She would have never allowed herself to get close to this other person if you were the only man she wants to be with.

 

You now know the truth. Not only did she have sex with him she had a relationship with him to. She lied about it and willing deceived you. This is the person you married. Is I am sorry I won't do that again really going to just fix everything? I mean lets be honest. She is a cheater. This will not be the last time and probably wasn't the first time. You just will never know because she clearly wont tell you the truth.

 

As many others have experienced. "It was just one kiss" Which actually turned out to be sex. "It was just one time" Which turned out to be several times" "I never liked it" Which we all know is a lie.

 

You can lie to yourself all you want but the truth is out now. She is a cheater and if you choose to be with her then you will just have to live with it when she does it to you again.

 

When my divorce was going forward it want a choice of being with her that hurt. It was the fact I let her cheat on me so many times and I never held her accountable until that last time. I don't regret marring her. I regret that I did not stand up for me sooner and my kids. I regret that I let her abuse us.

 

Clay

[Broom]

Is it obvious from the tone of this thread that the OP is heavily leaning towards returning to his wife. Perhaps, he really wants to reconcile and is looking for LS to dispel his doubts about the decision.

 

I don't think the relationship with the GF will work out.

 

And as someone said, it seems kind of like you had this GF person in mind as a "just in case my W doesn't work out" kind of way. It was easy for you to turn to her, and probably your wife's A gave you the excuse you were looking/waiting for.

[jm2013]

Is it obvious from the tone of this thread that the OP is heavily leaning towards returning to his wife. Perhaps, he really wants to reconcile and is looking for LS to dispel his doubts about the decision.

 

I don't think the relationship with the GF will work out.

 

And as someone said, it seems kind of like you had this GF person in mind as a "just in case my W doesn't work out" kind of way. It was easy for you to turn to her, and probably your wife's A gave you the excuse you were looking/waiting for.

 

In all fairness he might not have been looking for an "excuse" to be with his other woman. There are BS's who may find it easier to deal with the emotional pain having another person while they're trying to get over their spouse. I looked to that as an option when I first found out about my wife's affair to help forget about her and move on emotionally.

[DueceCoupe]

This is the thing you really just need to get through your head OP. It was just as hard for me to understand too. Your W would not have cheated on you if she really was in love with you. She would have never allowed herself to get close to this other person if you were the only man she wants to be with.

 

You now know the truth. Not only did she have sex with him she had a relationship with him to. She lied about it and willing deceived you. This is the person you married. Is I am sorry I won't do that again really going to just fix everything? I mean lets be honest. She is a cheater. This will not be the last time and probably wasn't the first time. You just will never know because she clearly wont tell you the truth.

 

As many others have experienced. "It was just one kiss" Which actually turned out to be sex. "It was just one time" Which turned out to be several times" "I never liked it" Which we all know is a lie.

 

You can lie to yourself all you want but the truth is out now. She is a cheater and if you choose to be with her then you will just have to live with it when she does it to you again.

 

When my divorce was going forward it want a choice of being with her that hurt. It was the fact I let her cheat on me so many times and I never held her accountable until that last time. I don't regret marring her. I regret that I did not stand up for me sooner and my kids. I regret that I let her abuse us.

 

Clay

 

Clay,

The thing is,She wasn't in Love with Me.

We also had made the decision to separate.

During this time,there was no kissing,no seeing each other undressed,no nothing.

Am I being that clueless?

There was no affairs while things were good.

This only happened after we had agreed to part.

She also hadn't made the decision to reconcile until nearly 3 months after her affair had mutually ended.

Actually She says there never was anything to end....it just was over.

No words needed said.

He (OM verified) this.

[DueceCoupe]

In all fairness he might not have been looking for an "excuse" to be with his other woman. There are BS's who may find it easier to deal with the emotional pain having another person while they're trying to get over their spouse. I looked to that as an option when I first found out about my wife's affair to help forget about her and move on emotionally.

 

Did you act on this option?

[jm2013]

Clay,

The thing is,She wasn't in Love with Me.

We also had made the decision to separate.

During this time,there was no kissing,no seeing each other undressed,no nothing.

Am I being that clueless?

There was no affairs while things were good.

This only happened after we had agreed to part.

She also hadn't made the decision to reconcile until nearly 3 months after her affair had mutually ended.

Actually She says there never was anything to end....it just was over.

No words needed said.

He (OM verified) this.

 

Yes, I think you're being clueless. Wayward spouses tend to minimize many things of an affair. For all you know she was involved with OM or somebody else for a period of time you'd probably be in shock if you really knew. I know I was. For all you know she had an affair going on for months to years behind your back. She has you exactly where she wants you if you think this only happened during that time frame. That way it will make it easier for you to go back to if that's the way you're thinking mentally.

[jm2013]

Did you act on this option?

 

I did yes. I was briefly with another woman but I think we both knew it wasn't good. We just really slopped all our feelings together and bickered about how we were cheated out of a life we could have had then ended up messing around. It was pretty much left at that. We had absolutely no feelings for each other and it was short lived.

[DueceCoupe]

Yes, I think you're being clueless. Wayward spouses tend to minimize many things of an affair. For all you know she was involved with OM or somebody else for a period of time you'd probably be in shock if you really knew. I know I was. For all you know she had an affair going on for months to years behind your back. She has you exactly where she wants you if you think this only happened during that time frame. That way it will make it easier for you to go back to if that's the way you're thinking mentally.

 

No,cant agree with this.

With our schedules the only way this could have played out was during the separation period.

And also,I have seen her phone records going back almost a year.

It only became serious after we had separated and the month before showed a lot of social media activity.

I doubt there was any affair that took place prior.

Who knows though....I certainly thought I knew her better.

Its obvious I don't.

Maybe I am being clueless.

Truth of the matter is,I'm scared.

Scared to make a decision in any direction.

[jm2013]

No,cant agree with this.

With our schedules the only way this could have played out was during the separation period.

And also,I have seen her phone records going back almost a year.

It only became serious after we had separated and the month before showed a lot of social media activity.

I doubt there was any affair that took place prior.

Who knows though....I certainly thought I knew her better.

Its obvious I don't.

Maybe I am being clueless.

Truth of the matter is,I'm scared.

Scared to make a decision in any direction.

 

I guess every situation is different. We can only give guidance of our own situations which always seem to have the same patterns. When I found out about my wife's affair at first it happened only "one time" stopped was a mistake etc. That one time turned into over a year long affair with sex, love and everything else. I guess what I'm trying to say is you know your wife cheated. You now know what she's capable of. So when you rewind that back and start playing your history you may seem to find a pattern where she had opportunities to cheat.

 

What if she had a burner phone? Did she ever go on "girls" night outs? Out with friends? Were there times she was at the house while you were working? Were there specific times she knew you'd be gone? You'll probably get my point. This is what you'll walk back to. Initially these questions might not be on your mind when you go back to your wife. Over time they will build up if they're not dealt with. You'll try to weed through what is real and what isn't. You'll try and figure out the whole story. Your wife will minimize EVERYTHING in fears that if she slips and says the wrong with or tells you something that you wouldn't even have access to would further jeopardize her chances with you.

 

After I found out my wife's affair I went through EVERYTHING. Even went back as far as I could to the infancy of our relationship to try and see if she cheated all the way back then. I know I probably make many scenarios terrible when I think them out but you do have to wonder if they are indeed real. That my friend is something we'll never know. You're in limbo. We've all been there before. There's so much emotional damage that happens after infidelity it is hard to make decisions. Some people rush things in a damaged state. Really, you should just take your time and let time pass. I think as more time passes you'll feel more comfortable at making a decision of what you want to do with your life. I personally made about every dumb decision you could think of when I found out about my wife's infidelity. I went back to my house but in my heart know we are too damaged to live a healthy loving life together. I'd be a liar if I said I could make my marriage work after what has been done. Some people can do it emotionally and others can't. When people say it takes a LOT of work to reconcile they're not joking. Usually it's the betrayed spouse who carries tons of emotional damage with them through the reconciliation.

[Spectre]

Only reason I consider this is because we have so much history together.

Almost a life long relationship.

14 years together this time with mixed children,

I do still Love Her and want so badly to be able to believe her.

Last night She texted me from her job and said "I Love You" right before the New Year came in.

I just couldn't bring myself to say it back,I can still feel it,but do not feel like telling her that.

 

Yes but all your history wasn't enough to keep her from cheating, was it? That is all you need to ask yourself. That is what I always say when someone brings up a history, all of that history should of made it so she'd never wanna cheat, but it wasn't the case.

 

I also question this alot....the only things that have kept me from walking away from this whole mess is:

Was it truly cheating when She told me we were done (if its true the relationship happened with the OM after we agreed to separate)?

Am I any better for doing the same exact thing?

 

I don't think you cheated, but she did. Even if she physically did nothing with someone, she had an emotional affair.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Spectre

[DueceCoupe]

Yes but all your history wasn't enough to keep her from cheating, was it? That is all you need to ask yourself. That is what I always say when someone brings up a history, all of that history should of made it so she'd never wanna cheat, but it wasn't the case.

 

 

 

I don't think you cheated, but she did. Even if she physically did nothing with someone, she had an emotional affair.

 

But what makes what I am doing different?

That's what I cant figure out.

It feels different,Yes,but on paper it looks the same.

[jm2013]

But what makes what I am doing different?

That's what I cant figure out.

It feels different,Yes,but on paper it looks the same.

 

It depends on how you view affairs. Are you religious? How do you feel about commitments/contracts. Do you feel that the contract is void if one person steps out of a marriage? Do you think the government should dictate what the marriage is? If the marriage is over it's over. To me it makes no difference if the government recognizes the marriage or not. All they care about is their money. They could care less about your marriage. Divorces can take a long time to finalize. I'm not sure why anybody would think dating, seeing, screwing other people during this time would constitute an affair.

[Clay]

It really sounds like you are leaning toward giving her another chance. If that is what you want then great. That is up to you. No one here can tell you what to do. We can only give you advice.

 

You know what she is capable of doing and your just going to have to learn to live with that if you give her another chance. There are others here that have done the R road. It has worked out for some and not so well for others.

 

What ever you do don't be like your wife and drag your GF through the mud. Just go tell her the truth and move on with your wife.

 

Clay

[Hope Shimmers]

This is why people are told not to date while separated. It only makes the recovery of the marriage extremely difficult.

 

Separation does not always lead to a reunited relationship of the marriage. I don't know the exact stats, but I'm betting that it usually doesn't lead to a reunited, happy marriage that goes on to the end with the happiness of both parties.

 

And (just so we don't forget about people other than the BS here), it makes the recovery of the other person (the one being 'dated' by the separated person) extremely difficult too, as promises are made and then broken and people with good intentions are flung aside like so much garbage. Let's not forget about those people who trust and believe in the separated person they are with, and then learn the hard way that they should have required paperwork and not believed anyone.

[road]

Separation does not always lead to a reunited relationship of the marriage. I don't know the exact stats, but I'm betting that it usually doesn't lead to a reunited, happy marriage that goes on to the end with the happiness of both parties.

 

And (just so we don't forget about people other than the BS here), it makes the recovery of the other person (the one being 'dated' by the separated person) extremely difficult too, as promises are made and then broken and people with good intentions are flung aside like so much garbage. Let's not forget about those people who trust and believe in the separated person they are with, and then learn the hard way that they should have required paperwork and not believed anyone.

 

 

 

Seventy Eight percent of marriages survive an affair.

[DueceCoupe]

It depends on how you view affairs. Are you religious? How do you feel about commitments/contracts. Do you feel that the contract is void if one person steps out of a marriage? Do you think the government should dictate what the marriage is? If the marriage is over it's over. To me it makes no difference if the government recognizes the marriage or not. All they care about is their money. They could care less about your marriage. Divorces can take a long time to finalize. I'm not sure why anybody would think dating, seeing, screwing other people during this time would constitute an affair.

 

This is exactly why I think I am so screwed up right now.

I cannot decide if it was an affair or not as it all took place and ended while we were separated.

She didn't leave to go to this guy.

She didn't come back immediately upon it ending either.

All I know is I need to make a decision asap.

I cannot deal with this much longer.

[DKT3]

This is exactly why I think I am so screwed up right now.

I cannot decide if it was an affair or not as it all took place and ended while we were separated.

She didn't leave to go to this guy.

She didn't come back immediately upon it ending either.

All I know is I need to make a decision asap.

I cannot deal with this much longer.

 

I took back an unfaithful wife, so this may sound odd. Your wife is lying to you and taking her back would be a huge mistake. If I had to put money on it, I would say what you know of this affair is only the tip of the iceberg, she had been messing with that guy far longer then you think and it is much more then you will ever really know, you will never be able to confirm what was done and said when they were face to face. It would have been very easy for them to make up a story. Why? They can allow the heat to cool then start back up once your off the trail. You are accepting too much blame, and trust me that will change. In time you will feel different about who is at fault for this.

 

Again, I'm not sure the girlfriend is the right answer.

[DueceCoupe]

I took back an unfaithful wife, so this may sound odd. Your wife is lying to you and taking her back would be a huge mistake. If I had to put money on it, I would say what you know of this affair is only the tip of the iceberg, she had been messing with that guy far longer then you think and it is much more then you will ever really know, you will never be able to confirm what was done and said when they were face to face. It would have been very easy for them to make up a story. Why? They can allow the heat to cool then start back up once your off the trail. You are accepting too much blame, and trust me that will change. In time you will feel different about who is at fault for this.

 

Again, I'm not sure the girlfriend is the right answer.

 

Are you still with the wife you took back?

I really don't think the affair was far longer than what it was.

I have seen phone records,Facebook,etc.

Were they talking?

Sure,little bit here and there....but it only started looking dangerous after She announced she no longer wanted to be with Me.

I have also spoken to the OM without her knowledge and his story matched hers pretty well.

Slight variances,but time frame was was dead on.

There truly is no reason to wait for things to cool down.

If she really didn't want to try,why make an attempt to reconcile?

She knows I would just as happily have moved on.

She could stay living in the house (rent free) and be Happy with or without Me.

[DKT3]

Are you still with the wife you took back?

I really don't think the affair was far longer than what it was.

I have seen phone records,Facebook,etc.

Were they talking?

Sure,little bit here and there....but it only started looking dangerous after She announced she no longer wanted to be with Me.

I have also spoken to the OM without her knowledge and his story matched hers pretty well.

Slight variances,but time frame was was dead on.

There truly is no reason to wait for things to cool down.

If she really didn't want to try,why make an attempt to reconcile?

She knows I would just as happily have moved on.

She could stay living in the house (rent free) and be Happy with or without Me.

 

We divorced and spent 5 years apart, but we are together now.

 

The story could have been put together as soon as they were caught. You are being very trusting now, its too soon to put so much belief in her word. Look, its pretty clear you want to get back with her, so you are ignoring the signs in your own words that the rest of us are picking up on.

 

Why is she making an attempt? I don't know, maybe she really loves you. Or maybe she simply is more comfortable having you around, maybe because you were moving on and happy and she couldn't stand the idea of you being happy and she isn't.

[road]

This is exactly why I think I am so screwed up right now.

I cannot decide if it was an affair or not as it all took place and ended while we were separated.

She didn't leave to go to this guy.

She didn't come back immediately upon it ending either.

All I know is I need to make a decision asap.

I cannot deal with this much longer.

 

 

 

Tell the WW you need to know the full truth and you are going to schedule a polygraph test.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Seventy Eight percent of marriages survive an affair.

 

Yep. Although a high percentage of people also survive food poisoning, house fires, and horrible, life altering auto accidents.

 

Like Fred Gwynne said in Pet Semetary... sometimes dead is betta.

[jbrent890]

Seventy Eight percent of marriages survive an affair.

 

In what time span? From what I have read the vast majority of marriages end in 5 years or less after an affair is discovered. IMO, I think it's part of the reason you have therapists and religious officials telling cheaters to keep their actions to themselves. The vast majority of marriages do not survive cheating.

[loveboid]

Please forgive me if this was raised earlier. She has the residence and job in her name, correct? Are you sure you're not considering your wife again because of your financial situation?

 

The reason I ask is because if you get a better job or something that raises your financial independence, the money/security that kept you with her wouldn't be there and you might look at her differently...and you might leave then.

[jellybean89]

You stated that you have known your current G/F for a very long time; which I guess some didn't read because the implication is you don't really know her well. that's obviously wrong.

 

As for your wife, I don't see how you could trust her to stay "in love" with you since she seemed above to fall out of love with you after several years. And choosing to engage in an affair with another man who, per your view, isn't someone she normally would have slept with, makes me wonder who she will pick the next time she falls out of love with you.

 

My view is to stay with the G/F. You have a history with her too. I know some people reconcile successfully and that's AWESOME. But, I think personally you are better off divorcing and starting a new life with or without the current G/F.