littleblackheart Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 A friend of mine - late 30s, no children, I've not seen a woman in his life in the 8 years I've known him, lone wolf, too much set in his ways - is having a bit of a crisis of late (he's hitting 40 next month); he's feeling lonely and has decided that maybe being single isn't the right way to go. He's slowly getting into the idea that for that, he's going to make himself more available and, in his foolishness, has asked me for advice to set him on his way on the sole basis that I'm a woman. The thing is, he is plagued with insecurities that he hides behind an iron-clad wall of moodiness (a bit like Heathcliff with added sarcasm - he's English); this obviously isn't going to gel well with his quest to find someone, which is a bit of a problem. His circle of friends / family is also very small. He is extremely handsome, in a rugged way, but he doesn't seem to realise it; he's thoughtful and compassionate, well-read, well-travelled and really has everything going for him - he just doesn't see it, and he can't take a compliment at all. I've seen women try to get close but he pushes them back because he's always assuming the worst. I've gently been trying to boost his confidence and make him see how much he has to offer but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. After spending far too much time reading horror stories on this forum, I'm really concerned that he's going to be eaten alive by the womenfolk, but I don't really know how to help him. Any advice from the male population who has been able to overcome this? What would you want to be told in this situation, if anything? Any thoughts / advice welcome
StalwartMind Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I believe this goes for both female and males who deal with insecurities, no matter the age. One of the most wonderful experiences you can have, is when you meet someone who do not judge you based of a long list, of what is currently seen as socially accepted standards and general behavior. Sometimes a really great individual, just need that little extra push to climb up over that obstacle, which prevents them from realizing that they are actually quite a good catch. We all probably have some things that can baffle others, but those episodes can be balanced and controlled if you are in the right atmosphere. The most important bit is really him meeting someone who shows him patience, compassion and makes an effort to get to know him, and see the man that lies underneath his exterior. It wouldn't be a bad idea if you could somehow make him aware of such and that he also needs to display some patience himself, especially because this is new? to him. A good thing is that most people around his age have some experience, unless he would be interested in much younger, so in a way it's just a matter of time before someone else notice the man he is. I don't know how he communicates with you, but a point in case is that, if he can speak to you, and you can sense all these things, then you more than likely can help nudge him in the right direction, by explaining things to him in a sensible manner. 1
Author littleblackheart Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Thanks for the reply SM. He's very guarded and I suspect he has a touch of Asperger's (I do, that's probably why I can relate). I know someone broke his heart a while back but he's never really opened up about it. I have the feeling he's only ever had one relationship (I haven't really had that many more, so I feel like a bit of a fraud trying help). It's a bit tricky to let him understand that he can confide in me without him thinking I want to pry in his life; he's very private so it's a bit difficult to get anything out of him. You're right about the extra push, that's exactly what he needs. You're also right about exercising patience because he seems to think because now he's decided it somehow is going to materialise out of thin air.
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