Frivolous Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 In the last few years I have met women who have made me think that it might be time to end my self-imposed isolation. From those whom I have been out with a few times, to strangers who have walked past me on a train, a brief encounter will set my mind racing about what the future could be like for us and remind me of all the things I currently miss out on. Believe me, holidays abroad, lazy Sundays and trips to Monkey Forest are all much less fun alone. Things never get far before I find some reason to knock down the idealised vision I have created. If they are attractive, I wonder whether I am being superficial. If they are funny, I wonder whether they are funnier than me. Perhaps they will call or text too frequently and I will feel harassed, or they won't text or call at all and I will become convinced they despise me. It could be something as small as a "Hope your OK" text, which will send me spiralling into apocalyptic visions of a life without apostrophes or question marks. On the other hand, do I want someone like myself? An equally quarrelsome perfectionist, only with breasts and less body hair? Absolutely not, it would drive me insane. According to the American author and philosopher Sam Keen, "We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." Great, you would think, I can finally stop looking for Mr or Miss Right and just work on convincing myself that Mr or Miss Not Bad But Smells Funny And Has An Oddly Small Mouth is actually perfect. This is far more difficult than it sounds. In the early stages of a relationship, what I call "the lying stage", two people will display only that side of their character that is attractive to a prospective partner. "You love Dostoevsky, too? Wow! Well, aren't we just two peas in a long-winded, Russian pod?" A bond will subsequently form based upon the fictitious life that these two invented personalities could share. Friends and family will be informed that the search for "the one" is off. We can all get to this point easily enough, but the real challenge comes as the stresses of compromise become too much and the real person begins to manifest itself. He wants to wash up as they cook, before residue has a chance to dry out and stick, whereas she wants to leave it to soak and do it after The Simpsons. She wants to go on holiday to a place where they can do and see things of interest; he wants to go somewhere he can drink by a pool. She wants to paint the bedroom red and he wants to get Sky+. She wants to have a baby and he still wants to get Sky+. In comedy cliché terms, this is known as the point when two people finally feel comfortable enough to break wind in one another's company. Curiously, this is seen as a good thing. For me, it signals the beginning of the end. From the peak of potential perfection you descend down through "going to the toilet with the door open", past "perfunctory sex" and into "cold, dead stares across the breakfast table". I could quite happily get through a 40-year marriage without ever suspecting that my partner went to the toilet at all. As I read this back to myself (the last line especially), my conclusion is, "Wow. That guy really needs a girlfriend!" Surely no relationship could be as difficult as living with my own perfectionism? If I met the woman of my dreams, would I mind her organising our CDs by genre and not alphabetically? Could I let her keep the knives to the left of the forks in our shared cutlery drawer? Of course, I'm not a fool. But that's not what is really being surrendered in a relationship. What you give to someone, when you give him or her your heart, is control over your happiness. Their moods and reactions can dictate absolutely whether you skip out of bed in the morning or are afraid to go home after work. There is no middle ground; the joy is in the surrender. I know that no one is happy all the time, but I have learned that unhappiness can be an awful lot easier to deal with if you know you are responsible for it, and therefore responsible for changing it. It's in my nature to focus on the negative details so that they can be fixed. The problem is that I sometimes forget to enjoy life in the meantime and just go looking for the next thing to improve upon. As much as I want that cup of tea in the morning, and all that goes with it (security and a sense of contentment, not just sugar and some toast), I am scared that my desire to make someone perfectly happy would be an impossible pursuit and the cause of much unhappiness. I can't shake off my feeling that the only inevitable result of a long-term relationship is that you will see somebody else's weaknesses and they will see yours. Eventually you will lose respect for one another and either break up or find yourselves locked into a loveless future. Am I right? Of course not! Can I change? I sincerely hope so because, as it stands, it is clearly me who is the loser, desperately looking for a keeper. JON RICHARDSON Really like this!! Okay so i'm not quite the same OCD control freak as my man Jon here but i can relate to him ALOT! (28, ended long term relationship because of compatibility issues, live away from family and friends, been single for a few years) I'm interested to know how many others can relate, male or female! I'm struggling to see relationships in other other light these days! 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Honestly, This made me find the original article that had much more information than the short excerpt you posted. But I like it. A lot. Enough to have a signature now. Thank you. For those who want to read it: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/13/control-freak-love-jon-richardson
Author Frivolous Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Honestly, This made me find the original article that had much more information than the short excerpt you posted. But I like it. A lot. Enough to have a signature now. Thank you. For those who want to read it: A control freak looks for love | Jon Richardson | Life and style | The Guardian Ha, I'm not the only one! It's not as bad being so self-deprecating and pessimistic when you're as witty he is. Good shout! I forgot to post the link
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