GuiltyFeelings100 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 The Beginning: I have been with my husband since I was 17 years old and I am now 27. He was my second REAL boyfriend and is 6 years older than me. I was never the type to sleep around or flirt - so it is safe to assume I've had a pretty sheltered sex life (as far as partners go). Looking back I should have dated around more, experienced more things, found out what I was and wasn't attracted to and maybe then I wouldn't feel the way I do now. Maybe? The Problem: I'm not really sure what the problem is with my marriage - but I know there is one. I love my husband, he is my best friend (same **** all the bitches say). That being said, I have not initiated sex with him in YEARS (like 6 or more) and the only time we do 'get it on' is on Saturday mornings when I finally give him some to keep the peace. I often think of the other guy from the office (TOG from here on out [more on him later]) the whole time it's going on, just to get through it. My husband is great in bed. I am not deprived in anyway, so if I pretend he is someone I’m attracted to everything goes great, but I know this isn't right. I'm supposed to want to have sex with my husband, I'm supposed to initiate it sometimes and make him feel wanted. I’m supposed to care about his happiness in every way, just like he does for me. I feel GUILTY ALL THE TIME because I know I can’t be giving him what he needs to feel like a man. I know he doesn't think I’m attracted to him. I know he isn't satisfied sexually. I know he would never cheat on me because he loves me and as long as he gets it once a week he is OK. But It doesn't just end with the sex - I feel as though with the whole relationship I just keep making the minimum payment to keep the balance current – to prevent fighting. I put in zero effort. The less I give - the more he gives. I feel guilty because I know he loves me more than I love him. I know I could be a better lover than I am - just not to him. I know I WANT DESPERATELY to be a better lover. I know he deserves a better lover. I do not want an OK marriage. I want to feel love deeply, madly and passionately. I want to make a man feel like a man and like he is wanted in every way. I want to want someone again. None of these issues are new to our relationship. I would say they were all very obvious to me back in 2007. But I didn't feel attraction towards anyone else either so I assumed it was just me and the way I was. I assumed I wasn't a sexual prowess and that was ok. It was ok because we have a great bond, we get along, we laugh. I didn't need to feel like a sexual person to be happy. It was ok to just give him what he wanted once a week and get back to it. Enter TOG. I was attracted to TOG the second I met him 2 years ago (which was my first day on the job, the job I still have). I have NEVER in my life been attracted to someone the way I am to him. I fantasize about him constantly (every minute, every hour, even as I write this) to the point where I can’t even look at him sometimes because of my dirty thoughts. We are just friends, at best. Coworkers really. I don’t flirt with him. I actually go out of my way to hid the fact that I adore him – because I’m married and again .. not a slut. He is single and has been the entire time I have known him. He is a VERY busy man, after all. He is very nice to me and sometime flirtatious. I often try to figure out if he thinks I’m hot, or if I stand a chance – but it’s all pretty irrelevant as long as I’m married. I assume he has high moral character (even if I were to falter) and would never be with a married woman. Some days I think if I could just ‘bang it out’ I would feel better, that that would somehow trigger me to fall in lust with my husband and that would be that. I would see that the grass isn't greener on the other side. (This idea plays out better with someone that you DON’T work with, ‘banging it out’ so to speak, is not really something you can do with your kindasorta boss.) On the other hand, other days I think I need to grow a set, get a divorce immediately and start looking for someone (if not TOG) who I want to savagely make love too and be best friends with. Someone who I am attracted to like I am to TOG. I know that life is short – I fear that I will spend the rest of my life married to someone because I was too afraid to hurt him, or too afraid to be alone or too afraid that you can only have one or the other. You can have a happy healthy friendship or a fabulous sexual attraction in your marriage – but not both. I have several friends that are soon to be walking down the aisle and I’m not sure I’ll make it through the summer watching all of these happy brides marry the men they not only are best friends with but that they also want to strip down naked and throw against a wall on the daily. The point here is this: I am not a cheater. I love my husband. I am deeply attracted to another man and NOT my husband. I want to feel like a woman. I am tired of feeling guilty for attraction (or lack thereof) that I can NOT control. I miss the feeling of wanting someone. It saddens me that I cannot give my husband what he deserves. I’ll take all the advice I can get, positive, negative, neutral, I don’t really care. This has gone on for two years and something has got to give. New Year’s resolution = figure this **** out.
Satu Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 No relationship is more than a day old. They have to be rebooted or recreated every day. Sometimes one or both partners forget to do this, or become too lazy or apathetic to do this, and the relationship begins to starve and wither away. You stopped paying into the relationship. That's how you got to where you are.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 On the other hand, other days I think I need to grow a set, get a divorce immediately and start looking for someone (if not TOG) who I want to savagely make love too and be best friends with. Was there ever a time - perhaps way back in the beginning - when you felt this way about your husband? Mr. Lucky
spanz1 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 you seem to be harboring a lot of guilt over your sexual fantasies. Most fantasies are very healthy, and perfectly normal. if you want to fantasize about some other guy while you are having sex, then do it. It might be safer to fantasize about some movie star or something...you do not want to trick your mind into wanting an affair with this guy at work when all you really are is just horny for some kinky fantasies!
Author GuiltyFeelings100 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Mr. Lucky: I would say no. We had a great sex life for the first year or so. I was very attracted to his sense of humor but it was never a very strong physical attraction. 1
Author GuiltyFeelings100 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Spanz1: the only issue here is that I'm not attracted to movie stars the way I am TOG. I'm very picky and it's almost like TOG was made just for me. Sounds crazy.
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It just a matter of time before either TOG gives you the nudge-nudge-wink-wink or someone else does and triggers the same response. This is a bad case of lack of basic attraction for your H and if not addressed immediately it will blow up in both of your faces eventually. You don't mention kids. If there are no children involved, the quickest and easiest route will be to divorce and move on. Of course there is no guarantee that TOG will take you on full time after your D but someone will. TOG will probably bang you a few times if you give him the green light but your chances of ending up with him in a real relationship is no better and no worse than any other guy. In other words TOG is not the real issue here, it's the lack of attraction for your H. If TOG were to move away tomorrow, you'd have the hots for someone else in a matter of time. As you don't mention any relationship problems other than your lack of attraction, a good place to start is the website, "Married Man Sex Life". That site as well as a series of books by Athol Kay is focused on men regaining the attraction of their wives. There is a section of the site geared towards women seeking help on how to get their husband's sexy back. That could be a place to start. At some point you will probably require professional couples therapy however. If you do have kids, I urge you to at least address this with your husband and try to work this out before your pull the ejection handle or start screwing I other men. Even if you don't have kids at least give him the option of trying to fix this before throwing in the towel. It will at least help both of you sleep at night knowing you tried. 1
Be_Strong Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Guilty, I can say that you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling. Everything you said could have come straight from my wife's mouth, except that she eventually did cheat. You didn't mention anything about having children. Usually in a marriage having and raising kids is the ultimate sex life killer. But it can still happen in any relationship with or without kids. The hardest part to figure out is if this is something inherently about you. In other words, would the same thing happen to you no matter who the guy is? If you got divorced and started dating TOG, things would be great for a while and you'd get to capitalize on that attraction you want to feel so badly. But after several years, would you find yourself right back in the same boat, where the attraction fades and you're ready to move on again? I know multiple women who have been going through that cycle futilely for their entire life, discarding good guy after good guy, and now that they've hit the age where they are older and single, they have a lifetime of regrets because all those guys are happily married and have families. I guess what I'm saying is you really need to put forth 100% effort this next year on solving the problems in your marriage and in yourself. You want to make certain that this isn't a fixable problem before you bolt. Some people just aren't compatible together and maybe you just picked the wrong guy for you when you were young and if you divorced you could meet the "right" guy and live happily ever after. But like I said, you need to be absolutely certain that is the case before you end your marriage--and the only way to be certain is to try everything possible to fix the marriage before ending it. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 In other words TOG is not the real issue here, it's the lack of attraction for your H. If TOG were to move away tomorrow, you'd have the hots for someone else in a matter of time. The hardest part to figure out is if this is something inherently about you. In other words, would the same thing happen to you no matter who the guy is? If you got divorced and started dating TOG, things would be great for a while and you'd get to capitalize on that attraction you want to feel so badly. But after several years, would you find yourself right back in the same boat, where the attraction fades and you're ready to move on again? I know multiple women who have been going through that cycle futilely for their entire life, discarding good guy after good guy, and now that they've hit the age where they are older and single, they have a lifetime of regrets because all those guys are happily married and have families. GuiltyFeelings100, a couple of well-made points here. Have you thought about the possibility that this may be as much - if not more - about you as it is about husband/marriage? Mr. Lucky 1
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 The OP is feeling the way she feels because she wants to feel that way. There is no mysterious external force zapping her with rays and making her feel that way. That's the point where honest self-reflection begins. 2
Be_Strong Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 The OP is feeling the way she feels because she wants to feel that way. There is no mysterious external force zapping her with rays and making her feel that way. That's the point where honest self-reflection begins. Exactly. Many women believe that they are a hopeless slave to their feelings. That their feelings fall out of the sky and they have no control over them. Feelings follow a thought -- 100% of the time. Control your thoughts and you will control your feelings. 2
Author GuiltyFeelings100 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Everyone makes good points. No kids. I'm not really sure how I would know if it was just me and would ultimately happen again - no matter who I was with because as you read - not much relationship history to go off of. I would hate to think that lust was always going to expire in my relationships. Lots to think about I guess. I just want to do the best thing for everyone. Anyone out there hopping around from one guy to the next because the lust wears off in a year or so?
denise_xo Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 First, let go of that great sense of guilt because it's not going to get you anywhere. Have you discussed this with your H? If yes, what's his reaction? On your last post: I don't think it's realistic in a long term relationship to always lust for your partner, all the time. Those feelings ebb and flow. But if/when they completely disappear, it has to be treated as a problem that can potentially be addressed, and where there are a range of options that are worth trying out before divorce. By posting here, you're starting to take those steps.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 To the OP: Are you wanting to have an affair, but need someone to tell you it's OK before you do?
loveboid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I think you made a mistake in marrying your husband. You are a passionate person but not with him. It's silly to think that we can pick any person on the planet and force ourselves to be attractive to each other through grit and hard work. Some couples are more attracted to each other than others. This is why it's called chemistry. I would release your husband to find his passion with someone else and find a passionate partner yourself.
Author GuiltyFeelings100 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I have not discussed any of this with my husband in detail. He is aware that I am not really into sex because of the lack of it. What he doesn't know is that I DO want to have sex, just not with him. It would crush him and I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily if I don't have to or if I don't have the guts to take any action.
denise_xo Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I have not discussed any of this with my husband in detail. He is aware that I am not really into sex because of the lack of it. What he doesn't know is that I DO want to have sex, just not with him. It would crush him and I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily if I don't have to or if I don't have the guts to take any action. Well, one starting point could be to say that you'd like to work on your sexual dynamics because you know it's a problem for both of you in the relationship. But don't do that unless you're actually interesting in putting in some work to try to ignite some spark - whether that's through an MC who specialises in sexual therapy, buying some toys together, talking openly about how to spice it up, what would arouse you, and so on. If you really see no chance whatsoever of any of that improving things, and/or you don't want to try it out, another alternative could to be talk about opening up your marriage. How are your dynamics otherwise? Are you honest and open with him in other areas of your relationship? Do you feel that your own behaviour is relaxed and genuine when you are together?
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