Windman17 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 My ex (22F) and I (24M) have been broken up for almost 5 months now (5 year relationship - very serious and talked about marriage and all that), and she's been with the new guy (29M) for 4. We haven't had much of any contact within the past 2 months (other than holiday greetings). I sent her sister a small Christmas gift since we've remained close and she's always been fine with that since we had almost a brother-sister relationship. She thanked me for that and said it was very thoughtful, and we got to talking a little bit. When I asked how things were going she's said that she's depressed (been that way for awhile even with me, but also that she's been very sad lately and cries at night, feels very alone even though she's with him, etc.) and struggling to be happy. Apparently she tells everyone that the new guy is awesome, she makes it a point to look happy in any pictures and at events, and they share things that make it seem like it could be long-term.. maybe trying to move the relationship to the point where we were (talking about living together and marriage).. yet she still tells her family that she's "unsure about him and the way he acts" (very immature at times - though I also believe that she's okay with acting immature as well, with the way that she handles things like our break-up). And she went on to tell me that she's "unsure if she really still loves me or is falling in love with him." She's said that she has no intentions of getting back together with me, and I've accepted that that may be the case, but then again I know her and that she may just be saying that to try and convince me and herself that there are no more feelings there. Her sister also told me that while she didn't seem too affected by me not being there during the holidays (possibly because she had him), that she saw her constantly searching for me on Facebook (she unfriended me and blocked my # a few days before because he told her to, and she went along with it). I know this may be just because she's curious, but now she's reached out to me and unblocked me (not sure if he knows or not) and has asked to be friends. I still do have some feelings for her and I'd like to think that maybe we'll get back together at some point, but I no longer am focusing on that and whatever happens, happens. We've been talking a little more lately but is this a good thing to keep up to remind her of me or do I need to pull back and really let her miss me by not "being friends." I don't want to completely push her away but I don't want her to think that I only want to be friends for her own comfort while she pursues her relationship with this replacement guy. She has definitely changed and has been immature and I wouldn't want her back as she is, but I do still see the old her that I fell in love with, and I think she wants that back too. How should I approach this? Does this still seem like it might be a rebound relationship and could deteriorate at some point?
Diezel Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 You have feelings for her, don't be her friend. Don't get back with her. She's playing the two of you. She wants to keep you close in case the other guy doesn't work. Do you want to be the #2 for someone who you want to have as a #1? I doubt it. She only wants to be friends for her own comfort. At this point you HAVE to be selfish and do what is right for YOU and I can tell you right now, she is NOT what is right for you. 4
Art_Critic Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 You are being positioned as the back up guy, if it doesn't work out with the guy she wants to be with then she will move you up till she finds another guy... don't be that guy... 1
Marco Valerio Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I would say that she's missing the comfort you gave her, so she's looking to get it without a romantic relationship involve. Also she doesn't seem to be sure of her current boyfriend, so she might be playing with you in case that falls apart. Let her be for the moment, she's not going to bring you any good. 1
Elle1975 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I wouldn't. 1- You still have feelings for her 2- She's dating someone else I wouldn't mainly because of these two reasons, but also because to me it's giving her permission to put you on the back burner. You will also give the impression that you have lowered your standards, since you'd be willing to take anything she throws at you. Nop sir. Either she's in or she's out. 1
Author Windman17 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 I appreciate the advice everyone. I know it's weak of me to say but in a way I would want to be the backup guy, just because I would be open to trying again with her since I know she still has feelings for me too - I just think that she wants to really give this new relationship a chance either to prove that she move on, or just to experience something new, especially since we were our firsts with everything (long-term relationship, sex, trips together, etc.). Update: We started talking about NYE plans a little, and she texted me after the ball had dropped wishing me a happy new year and hoping I was having fun (since I was out with friends, and she couldn't get tickets to the event she wanted so she stayed in with him). I replied back. Then she randomly texts me later on Thursday and asks if my parents are mad at her cause she never said anything to them post-breakup and "feels horrible", and I said they're probably disappointed but still care about her and I'm sure they'd like to hear from her. I asked why she was mentioning it now (4-5 months later) and no response (typical running away from answering the tough questions). Then I texted her something funny that had happened to me a little later - she finally responded Friday night, yet it was still enthusiastic. I waited to the next day to respond back and asked her how NYE was.. still no response. I know that she's spent the last few days with him, probably non-stop, so it could be that she just doesn't want to respond around him and have him see it .. or she just doesn't care enough to respond right away because she's trying her best to move on guilt-free and give this new guy a chance. So what should my next move be? And please don't say screw her and move on - obviously I still do want her in my life but I want her to at least miss the friendship we had and really think of me, and not push me out of her mind completely. I'm focusing on me but ultimately I still see a future for us - even if she has been immature and changed, I still see the old her. 1) Confront her and tell her that she hasn't been a great friend lately and until she's ready to do so I'm done - she can find me when she's matured? Maybe even at this point say that if she wants something real again and to be loved how she should be that she can let me know because I'm done playing games, and then walk away so that she can miss me? 2) Just ignore her and let her wonder, hoping she doesn't back away completely? 3) Act like it doesn't bother me and only respond here and there as friends?
evanescentworld Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I hate to be harsh, but you're wasting our time, because the best advice we have, you don't want to hear. Put it this way: He who cares the least, controls the most. Currently, that's her. How do we know this? Because she's with him, and she cares less, about you. But you could come in handy. You care MORE, because you're seeking strategies, which frankly, (take it from us.... have we seen this before - oh my goodness, yes!) will NOT WORK LONG-TERM. She loves the attention, the adulation, the fact that you obviously still yearn for her. She's into all that. But if she really felt that way about you, and unsure about him - then she really should act, and not say. (Actions speak louder than words, right?) She 'says' things to you, but she's not making any moves away from him, is she? Your best strategy is to fall off her radar. Go AWOL. Blank her and block her. That will galvanise her into action. Then, you will see her true colours, and only then. but you keep playing the lovesick puppy, 'roll-me-over' doormat - and you'll get nowhere. 3
seminoles84 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I'm not going to give you bad advice just because you want to hear it. I'm also not going to suggest playing games. That's how people get more hurt, trust me.
Lugoj89 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Either you don't want to admit the truth or you are in denial of how painful you are making this. By being the back up guy you are giving her the option of contacting you when she wants and right now you are a playing the what do i do next game. It will be like this for a while until She decides she's done playing the game with both of you and moves on. Right now it seems painful to cut her off. I've been there but it's even more painful to not get that response or to not hear from her when you just talked to her yesterday. Don't be the back up guy. You are worth more then that. She is not falling in love with the new guy. She is trying to get over you and because she's not in love with him she will keep contacting you to fill that whole she has. I can almost promise you that one day she will wake up and stop talking to you all together. Don't let her get to that point. Be the first one to do it and make her feel the pain
No Limit Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Go NC. Stop communicating with her. You're not her boyfriend anymore and you have absolutely no reason to keep stroking her ego. There is no "but I want her". Even if she decided she was gracious enough to take you back and marry you, she'd cheat on you every time an opportunity offers herself because she clearly has no respect for you. There is nothing for you to gain here. You're her emotional tampon. And "the old her" died. Dead and gone forever.
lolablue17 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 If you like being played with and enjoy being a doormat - Go for it. But if you don't, and still want a chance, I suggest that you call her and tell her that her contacting you (The EX) while being with him is inappropriate, especially when she tells you she may still loves you and probably are not over you. Tell her that you think you're over her, and there's no point testing this theory while she's taken. because in your eyes, her talking to you, considered cheating (on him) and you don't like to be part of that deception. Therefore you are obligated to stop contacting her at all, until she's single again. Bye and good luck. 1
stillafool Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Leave this girl alone and don't reply back to anything she writes. I assure you she is not coming back. She was probably mad at him is why she contacted you in the first place and now she's back in. Don't be her fool. Like someone else said "he who cares the least has the most control". Right now that's her.
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