Men in their late 20's - for the transition period

[Gary S]

OP, you don't understand. The number one thing men want is to have a woman who makes him comfortable.

 

A giving woman in love with you is fun! No, the grass is not greener on the other side. Don't take her for granted.

[emva07]

There are tons of reasons people get married. We can all agree to disagree on which are right or wrong. I don't see myself marrying for money but hey, whoever does, that's their own prerogative...

 

A woman who makes him comfortable might be what some men look for in a woman and that's fine but seems like that's not what the meaning of a relationship is for OP.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Everyone, thank you again. Checking in here.

 

I am still with this girl but considering ending it soon. She is a wonderful girl. I have nothing negative to say about her. She is so into me that I am amazed by it, in a good way. For example, she feels compelled to snap random pictures of me at random times.

 

No girl has been this into me for six long years, and even then, the last girl who was this into me was a complete nutcase. This girl is actually normal, sane and an adult.

 

I told her last week that I was not in love with her after 10 months of knowing her and 6 months of being 100% her boyfriend. She was tremendously upset, but relented and said it's okay, as long as I could grow to love her in time.

 

Girls like this come around once or twice in a lifetime. She has my complete trust, I get along with her family, she is fun to hang out with, the sex is as fine as it can be for a relationship, and she actually, 100% cares about me and who I am.

 

It depresses me to think that I have to let this girl go because I am a "young 27" and still not ready to step up to the plate of a girl moving in, committing to her and marriage.

 

My parents' marriage was awful and ended in divorce. I see many guy friends slowing down and settling down into permanent lives when they're only 27/28 years old. Marriage still seems like a trap to me.

 

I hate to leave this girl but it sounds like it's the "right thing to do" and not something where I should waste her time anymore.

 

She is good looking, smart and overall a great person. I don't imagine it would take her long to find a new guy, one that would fully give himself and potentially commit to her long term, if that makes sense.

 

It seems like that is not me....

 

I understand it's hard to leave a woman who gives you her all and shows how much she really "loves" you...but you have to understand that there is more at play in relationships and "love" than actual love itself.

 

For example, because you are not completely invested, because you are not completely in-love and head over heals for her, she might feel the urge to kind of "catch you", she may have had an unavailable father or someone in her life here wasn't emotionally present in the way she was, therefore she could be repeating that scenario in her relationships...trying to "earn" your "love", your acceptance, so that she can be validated that she is worthy of love.

 

You see, there are a lot of women with issues out there, who aren't as in-love with you as you think they are but actually in-love with a fantasy and the behavior you exude, that reminds or connections them with a personal insecurity within themselves.

 

What I'm saying basically...is this girl is at the very least partly the way she is, because you are not completely invested. Had you been into her, had you been different, it might have been too much for her, thus turning her away and off because you weren't acting out with the characteristics and attitude she gravitates towards because of her own issues.

 

This is all relatively new in the big picture, but trust me...the fantasy of this relationship outstrips the reality of it, right now you are just focused on the fact that you truly believes she loves you and is super amazing....but what happens when that isn't good enough any longer? what happens when she's tired, exhausted and drained of trying to win you over and make her fall in-love with her? what happens after she kind of "snaps out of it" and then realizes that she was caught up in a love storm and now she sees you as the man you really are? rather than just having her head buried in the sand over how much she needs to win you over.

 

I know this is all hard to swallow, understand or maybe even to believe...but I'm quite experienced and understanding of behavior, emotional and psychological motivations within people. Because I guarantee you, if you REALLY think about the big picture...is there any particular reason she has to feel this way? especially without you giving her back what she has given? do you really think it's just you that is that awesome?...what if, this is the way she is most of her relationships...what if she's this way because you're the first guy who hung around and really started to dig into to a life with her that she sees a lot of potential in and now she doesn't want to let you go?

 

You're going to have to trust me and realize that how you see things, your perspective and understanding of this is not complete...although you may fully and completely believe in what you see or think you understand in this moment. It is merely a moment in time and in time things will change in this relationship, and when they do, would you have still wanted to stick around to see them shift in a way you did not anticipate?

 

This is why experience is so valuable in being able to establish that long-term perspective, I've been where you've been several times in my life, I've been in relationships since I was 13 and I'm now 34. I know all the ins and outs and tricks of a lot of things when it comes to "love", and I've been able to look around and see a lot of guys think the same way and make a lot of similar mistakes, it makes you wonder how "different" things truly are rather than how you perceive them only because you are the one experiencing it...because everyone thinks what they're going through is different or somehow unique, but I can assure you, a lot can be related to.

 

Stop thinking so small and tunnel vision like, this situation and circumstance is not the future...you are not forever abandoning this blissful future with a girl who will always love you and love you the best, yadda yadda yadda. Relationships go through shifts and evolve...and during those evolution's that is when things can drastically change...nothing stays consistent, so when you do not have that genuine love, that genuine motivation to be in that relationship...it doesn't cost you now, it starts to chisel it's way around you, and if you don't have the core fundamentals present, it starts to fall apart quickly on you.

 

You need to find yourself first, a lot of people not just men are afraid to do that...they want to cling to a relationship or love like it's a life-raft, but you're only going to stay afloat that way. There is other women out there, there are other relationships you can have, and the more you improve yourself, the better choices you will make in a partner, the wiser and more self-confident you will be instead of just taking the best deal you feel is available to you.

 

This works differently for women as it does for men, they tend to feel a pressure and a sense of urgency to settle down more than men...that's because of family and because unfortunately as they get older their prospects can drastically dwindle down in terms of their selection in a decent guy, and that's if they're holding up ok themselves. Guys have a wider range of options, and can dip into younger women, aren't limited on when they can make a family necessarily, and aren't prized for their beauty, but relatively you should get more secure and stable, which is what women are generally after...so things kind of just naturally fall into a mans favor based on what the sexes are attracted to.

 

So don't waste too much of her time either, she will insist you stay but you're cutting out some irreplaceable years for her to find a guy to settle down with...or could be.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Sounds like you're doing pretty good OP, keep it up. Don't let things get you down, keep in mind you could always be doing worse! (and you have at one point lol)

[Vintage79]

This is a break-up scenario - you ask the question of maturity - the mature thing to do is to give her life back so that she can find someone that will love her. You've given it the old college try and it seems to have failed - which happens quite often (so don't feel bad about that). Regardless, do the hard and right thing (break up), as it will be better for both of you in the long run.

[elaine567]

So we are now 10 months down the line, the poor girl is besotted, and you should have ended this 4-10 months ago.

YOU always knew she wasn't the one for you and you strung her along, that was really cruel of you.

 

She may be normal, sane and an adult, but build up her hopes and dreams for 10 months then dump her in her late twenties, and see how adult, sane and normal she will be.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Everyone, thank you again. Checking in here.

 

I am still with this girl but considering ending it soon. She is a wonderful girl. I have nothing negative to say about her. She is so into me that I am amazed by it, in a good way. For example, she feels compelled to snap random pictures of me at random times.

 

No girl has been this into me for six long years, and even then, the last girl who was this into me was a complete nutcase. This girl is actually normal, sane and an adult.

 

I told her last week that I was not in love with her after 10 months of knowing her and 6 months of being 100% her boyfriend. She was tremendously upset, but relented and said it's okay, as long as I could grow to love her in time.

 

Girls like this come around once or twice in a lifetime. She has my complete trust, I get along with her family, she is fun to hang out with, the sex is as fine as it can be for a relationship, and she actually, 100% cares about me and who I am.

 

It depresses me to think that I have to let this girl go because I am a "young 27" and still not ready to step up to the plate of a girl moving in, committing to her and marriage.

 

My parents' marriage was awful and ended in divorce. I see many guy friends slowing down and settling down into permanent lives when they're only 27/28 years old. Marriage still seems like a trap to me.

 

I hate to leave this girl but it sounds like it's the "right thing to do" and not something where I should waste her time anymore.

 

She is good looking, smart and overall a great person. I don't imagine it would take her long to find a new guy, one that would fully give himself and potentially commit to her long term, if that makes sense.

 

It seems like that is not me....

 

What.... Seriously? And then there are some of us who would actually WANT commitment and we can never find it -_- I think you're being cruel to this poor girl who put her heart on the line for you. Jeez.....

 

You shouldn't stay with her when you know the relationship has an expiration date, but you're staying in it to suit your needs!

[jackny123]

OP back again. Thanks to all for your replies. Some I agree with, some I disagree with.

 

Let me just correct some negative folks and say that I am in no way being cruel to this girl. I told her I am not looking for marriage anytime soon, I am 50/50 about kids, and I am not in love with her at the present moment. I've been upfront, honest and truthful. She is an intelligent woman who understands what she's into.

 

To be a bit defensive here: she was in two previous relationships. The first one lasted less then six months. The second one lasted 18 months and was a sex-based relationship where the guy stood her up on her actual birthday. I am her third relationship.

 

I've taken her to Disney for a long weekend, she's met my family and all my regular party going friends, pictures are splashed all over social media of us at various times (no guy wanted to take a pic w/ her before) and she maintains a shelf with a bunch of makeup and overnight supplies at my place, which I restock bi-weekly as things run out.

 

We have been together for six months and have known each other for ten, but we weren't "official" until six months ago. Things are fine, and have been going fine. We are just two calm people. I am enjoying the moment and so is she.

 

To those who say she needs a guy who truly loves her blah blah....I get it. I'm not just clinging onto this girl. I will let things naturally happen and keep the board updated.

 

There is no master plan to breakup with her or leave her. I haven't 100% decided against being with her forever, I am simply not in love with her, have noticed the lack of passion and intense emotion that typically comes with love, and - as many men know - am caught in that late 20's everyone's-marrying-off stage of life. This was very troubling and kept me up and night, which is why I reached out to everyone here.

 

Thanks again for all the love, wisdom and replies. It's truly appreciated.

 

Jack

[Hawaii51]

? How do you stay true to yourself and not to some artificial timeline your circle of friends/B] appears to be on?

 

It's called conditioning, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Especially because of arbitrary societal customs. It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society.

 

P.S. That inkling inside you saying "wait," is called your intuition. Learn about it and follow it.

 

As for Chicky; love her thoroughly.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Hawaii51

[Hawaii51]

I really have to start reading whole threads before responding. Maybe.

 

meh.

[guest569]

This is so much like my past relationship its sad. When he told me he didn't love me, of COURSE i wanted us to keep trying and wait for it to "happen". Thank goodness he had the sense to end it before hurting me even more.

 

10 months. I dont think its going to happen and as someone who has been on the receiving end, i agree that it is cruel.

[Buddhist]

I stuck to my own thing. That simple. When my relationships were comfortable and I had no issues with them, I stayed in them. I didn't worry about whether or not I was going to marry this guy or that guy. Turns out I didn't marry any of them and I was still single when all my friends were having kids, dealing with sleepless nights, toddler tantrums etc. Their kids are in their teens and I'm still single. I don't regret that at all.

 

You have to live your life, not anyone elses.

[Diezel]

To those who say she needs a guy who truly loves her blah blah....I get it. I'm not just clinging onto this girl. I will let things naturally happen and keep the board updated.

 

AKA: I am going to wait until SHE makes a move, one way or the other. Yeah, I know what this is.

 

There is no master plan to breakup with her or leave her. I haven't 100% decided against being with her forever, I am simply not in love with her, have noticed the lack of passion and intense emotion that typically comes with love,

 

It's okay NOT to be "in love" at a certain amount of time, but if you are noticing a lack of passion and intense emotion overall, you might just be with her just to be with her. Which means you are going to be with her until she gets sick of waiting for you to make the next move... eventually.

 

and - as many men know - am caught in that late 20's everyone's-marrying-off stage of life. This was very troubling and kept me up and night, which is why I reached out to everyone here.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I never worried about that. I went past my late 20's and wasn't worried about it. WOMEN worry about that.

 

What are you hoping for? That you're so-called "50/50" stance will eventually develop into a "Meh 100%" stance and then you will settle in with her? Or just wait til she gets sick of waiting for you and ends it?

 

Either way, you sound VERY passive about all of this.

[elaine567]

Yes, its too passive and that is why it will end badly.

He will bumble along, safe in his cosy no committed bubble. He will end up cheating, because she is not doing it for him, but she is nice and secure and he doesn't want conflict, so cheating is the next step.

 

Or he will again bumble along, they sort of become a fixture, she gets pregnant, he doesn't like it but puts up with it because again he wants to avoid conflict. He ends up in a sexless marriage because his lack of connection causes her to withdraw, she becomes resentful, she spends more and more time with her kids. He cheats or ends up playing golf obsessively...

 

Or he will bumble along and she gets fed up waiting. She up and leaves one day and leaves him totally blind-sided. He ends up heart broken on LS, saying if only he had shown her how much he really cares, if only he had married her, she was the only one for him, or he is bitter and twisted and tells us all about how she has GIGS or she is a BPDer; crying into his beer about the new man she has found.

 

OP

Decide what you want and go for it.

If you do not love her, go find someone you can love and do it now, if you do actually love her deep down and are just scared, make sure she knows it and make some plans.

[No Limit]

Sheesh guys, it's the woman who have a "biological clock", not the men.

You might be 100% committed to her now but if you aren't in love with her I doubt this commitment will survive a decade or two of marriage.

 

I think you just ticked off your inner checklist of "characteristics a good wife/housewife/mother" should have; which is good but you really shouldn't go all logical about a contract that will be up for a good portion of your lifetime.