Men in their late 20's - for the transition period

[jackny123]

I'm a 27 year old male. Been in one solid 1.5 year relationship and one 1.5 year undefined thing. Grew up ugly and skinny with braces for years, never went to a high school dance, didn't kiss a girl till my junior year of college. Didn't really get any attention from women beyond my first girlfriend until I was 25.

 

Then, seemingly overnight, things exploded. I got contact lenses, gained weight, my face and body filled out, and women were very into me. I tore it up on online dating/Tinder and met and had experiences with about a dozen women in the timeframe of two years.

 

I'm exclusively dating a girl right now and we're coming up on six months of being involved with each other. I'm not in love with her but she treats me very well, is an awesome partner and generally fun to be with. I have nothing negative to say about her other than I wish she exercised more since she doesn't value personal health like I do. But it's not a deal-breaker.

 

As the clock turns to 2015, almost every guy friend I have will be getting engaged, marrying or moving in with their significant other this year before 2016 hits. There's societal pressure to "settle down" and slow down and put down roots. It permeates conversations, social media pictures and more.

 

I'm just getting over my addictive need to 'shop around', be stared at in a room and not chase everything in sight. I've never cheated and I'm not tempted by anyone. I'm not even talking to any other girls except the one I'm with. I don't know if it's maturing per say or just being sick of bouncing from girl to girl and bar to bar.

 

In the back of my mind..I'm worried. I'm not sold that this girl is THE girl, I'm personally not ready for marriage and I don't want anyone moving into my studio apartment for quite a while. I wonder if she's the last girl I'll ever be with.

 

Men or even women who have been through this type of thing in the past: What did you do? What do you recommend? How do you stay true to yourself and not to some artificial timeline your circle of friends appears to be on?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated and thanks for your time!

[slizl]

If it has been six months and you aren't in love, I would cut bait. You are just going to waste her time and yours. You are getting to be at a dangerous age where you will feel pressure to get married in the next few years. After six months you shoudl know whether or not you are in love.

[Diezel]

Forget society and keep yourself happy.

 

Do what makes you happy. No one else is living your life nor paying your bills.

[Frivolous]

I'm a 27 year old male. Been in one solid 1.5 year relationship and one 1.5 year undefined thing. Grew up ugly and skinny with braces for years, never went to a high school dance, didn't kiss a girl till my junior year of college. Didn't really get any attention from women beyond my first girlfriend until I was 25.

 

Then, seemingly overnight, things exploded. I got contact lenses, gained weight, my face and body filled out, and women were very into me. I tore it up on online dating/Tinder and met and had experiences with about a dozen women in the timeframe of two years.

 

I'm exclusively dating a girl right now and we're coming up on six months of being involved with each other. I'm not in love with her but she treats me very well, is an awesome partner and generally fun to be with. I have nothing negative to say about her other than I wish she exercised more since she doesn't value personal health like I do. But it's not a deal-breaker.

 

As the clock turns to 2015, almost every guy friend I have will be getting engaged, marrying or moving in with their significant other this year before 2016 hits. There's societal pressure to "settle down" and slow down and put down roots. It permeates conversations, social media pictures and more.

 

I'm just getting over my addictive need to 'shop around', be stared at in a room and not chase everything in sight. I've never cheated and I'm not tempted by anyone. I'm not even talking to any other girls except the one I'm with. I don't know if it's maturing per say or just being sick of bouncing from girl to girl and bar to bar.

 

In the back of my mind..I'm worried. I'm not sold that this girl is THE girl, I'm personally not ready for marriage and I don't want anyone moving into my studio apartment for quite a while. I wonder if she's the last girl I'll ever be with.

 

Men or even women who have been through this type of thing in the past: What did you do? What do you recommend? How do you stay true to yourself and not to some artificial timeline your circle of friends appears to be on?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated and thanks for your time!

 

SNAP! my friend, your post is pretty much what circles through my head on a weekly basis!, I'm 28.

 

I've only had one long term relationship (nearly 3 years) and I was the one who ended it because I didn't see marriage and life-long happiness. Even now i still ponder over the decision but when I look back i know it was right. Fast forward a few years and i'm still single wondering if i'll ever meet "the one"

 

My current take on it is there is no such thing as "the one" as any relationship can end at anytime for a number of reasons. It's just about finding "the one" that can sustain your happiness for the longest period and if you're lucky that might be a lifetime. Life-long partners are real but people can have many microcosmic lives in their time.

 

So my advice is to give every relationship your all but think about it in terms of time. If you can see 20 years ahead then pretty much get as serious as you want but if you only see 1 or 2 years ahead then stay protected and away form jewelry shops

 

Apart from that just have fun, unfortunately long-term relationships can take as long to begin as they do last.

 

That's my take on it anyway, i'll get back to worrying about my age now

[AVarma]

If it has been six months and you aren't in love, I would cut bait. You are just going to waste her time and yours. You are getting to be at a dangerous age where you will feel pressure to get married in the next few years. After six months you shoudl know whether or not you are in love.

 

Is this for real? Do people really start falling in love after 6 months?

[Diezel]

Is this for real? Do people really start falling in love after 6 months?

 

Read the forums, many here will tell you that you are supposed to know by the third date.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Is this for real? Do people really start falling in love after 6 months?

 

To be very fair, I don't think there's a time limit,

Strong feelings are strong feelings, even if you act timid.

But after 6 months of regularly seeing each other?

Couldn't you have an inkling if the love is for real, or like loving a brother?

 

Read the forums, many here will tell you that you are supposed to know by the third date.

 

This made me smile, and I've seen this be unfortunately true,

Sure you can have strong feelings, but serious love so soon??

I've heard of love at first sight, tis a unicorn to me,

I consider that lust, and maybe grows into love eventually.

[guest569]

I've been the woman in this situation. What my ex did.. He was feeling the same way as you at the 6 month mark, hung on a few more months. Nothing changed. Dumped me on New Year's Day. I was very shocked as I had no idea.

 

Does your girlfriend know you aren't in love, and is she in love with you?

[Dallers]

I'm a 27 year old male. Been in one solid 1.5 year relationship and one 1.5 year undefined thing. Grew up ugly and skinny with braces for years, never went to a high school dance, didn't kiss a girl till my junior year of college. Didn't really get any attention from women beyond my first girlfriend until I was 25.

 

Then, seemingly overnight, things exploded. I got contact lenses, gained weight, my face and body filled out, and women were very into me. I tore it up on online dating/Tinder and met and had experiences with about a dozen women in the timeframe of two years.

 

I'm exclusively dating a girl right now and we're coming up on six months of being involved with each other. I'm not in love with her but she treats me very well, is an awesome partner and generally fun to be with. I have nothing negative to say about her other than I wish she exercised more since she doesn't value personal health like I do. But it's not a deal-breaker.

 

As the clock turns to 2015, almost every guy friend I have will be getting engaged, marrying or moving in with their significant other this year before 2016 hits. There's societal pressure to "settle down" and slow down and put down roots. It permeates conversations, social media pictures and more.

 

I'm just getting over my addictive need to 'shop around', be stared at in a room and not chase everything in sight. I've never cheated and I'm not tempted by anyone. I'm not even talking to any other girls except the one I'm with. I don't know if it's maturing per say or just being sick of bouncing from girl to girl and bar to bar.

 

In the back of my mind..I'm worried. I'm not sold that this girl is THE girl, I'm personally not ready for marriage and I don't want anyone moving into my studio apartment for quite a while. I wonder if she's the last girl I'll ever be with.

 

Men or even women who have been through this type of thing in the past: What did you do? What do you recommend? How do you stay true to yourself and not to some artificial timeline your circle of friends appears to be on?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated and thanks for your time!

 

Chill. Enjoy 27. I am 29 and doing ^^ just that my friend you have plenty of time yet. Do what I am doing and aim for 32. If you can find the right girl between 30-32 and then you are sorted.

 

You have a good 3 years left in you yet. Me? I'm going to enjoy my final year. BOOM.

[jackny123]

OP here - I have friends on all sides. Some are "in love" at first sight or in the first few dates. Others take months or years. One of my friends is proposing to his gf and swears she is "the one" but he didn't actually feel like he loved her until a year into their relationship.

 

I haven't communicated to her point blank that I'm not in love with her but I have been upfront about not moving in with anyone and not getting married anytime soon.

 

Again, I don't see it as an extremely negative thing. Like I said - I am 100% committed to her, very much like her as a person and enjoy being with her. I just don't know if it's forever and was wondering what others thought - especially given the tsunami of intense societal pressure and the fact that she may start attending weddings as my plus one starting in May.

[oldshirt]

You still have some residual oneitis left over from your awkward stage. You still feel that a female drought/famine could hit at any moment and you will be left out alone in a sexual wasteland.

 

This is causing you to hold on to someone you aren't really into and pass up other opportunities that could be more fruitfull for you.

 

I am now 50 years old and I went through much the same as you when I was your age. By my mid20s I filled out and had a good job and had developed some solid dating and social skills and the confidence to go with it. But instead of getting out and dating a variety of women that I was sincerely attracted to, I burned up a few years with a woman that was a good person but who I was only marginally into.

 

In my case the first 6 months were ok and we progressed fine and I thought things may go somewhere but past the sixth month mark I was always keeping my eye for greener pastures. I eventually did begin to step out and cheat but I didn't break it off cleanly because she was a bird in the hand and I didn't want to risk it in case I broke away and couldn't find a better replacement.

 

I know regret that decision and realize that fear and insecurity was completely unfounded.

 

Have faith in what you see before your eyes. It's not an illusion. A 25 year man that's not a stick figure but not obese and who is educated and employed and who takes care of himself IS an attractive man who is capable of attracting quality women with who he is attracted to. He is no longer the awkward, scrawny, 4-eyes with braces who gets sand kicked in his face by the jocks any more.

 

You have several years of being at the height of your dating market value. Don't waste them on someone you aren't sincere about.

 

She will be on the backside of her market value and if you burn up the last of her "pretty" you will condem her to a life of low-quality and she will resent you for it.

 

Do both of you a favor and end this amicably so you both can move on and find people that are the right match for each of you.

[Biscous]

I'm 31 and have felt my stride in my late 20s until now. Dating a girl now and in a similar situation and have tried to end it but of course you get pressure from family and stuff. I have scolded my mother for her behavior in this instance too.

 

I have felt that only my close friends have my best interest in mind. Her friends used to dislike me but warm up to me now. She takes a lot of photos of us and i feel that her friends are happy by what they see. Also her overprotective mother is unreasonable and feeds her neediness and being high maintenance.

 

I feel like I have a lot of value now and other women see it.

 

Good girl but I feel like I can do better but that's me. Will talk it out and end it. It's just harder during this time of year.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Biscous

[shet]

I'm 31 and can't relate to you. My romantic life hasn't panned out like yours to start off with. Furthermore, while I've definitely been living through that period of every mother****er you know marrying off and having kids for a few years now, I think they're nearly all massive losers who've traded away their own happiness, excitement and futures (which they didn't have or experience anyway) for a false dream they were sold by TV, each others Facebooks and their own terrible parents, and that by the time my 40's roll around they'll all have complex damaged lives while I do things the smart, unpressurised, self determined way.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you can make it through your 30's without being married, then you're basically a "survivor" by making it through the gauntlet of growing up, feeling that social/family pressure, relationship pressure and your own feeling of "getting old" because you're almost at your 30's.

 

But what makes people old more than anything, is settling down and starting a family. That comes with a lot of responsibility, work, and day to day things that leave people often times looking and acting more like zombies than the faint individuals they use to be when they were "young and free".

 

I wouldn't recommend just jumping on the bandwagon because your friends are doing so, you're going to see what happens to those guys and their lives, because they're just getting started down that road of gradual deterioration. You might see yourself looking at their lives and thinking "damn...sure glad I didn't choose that road".

 

But it's all about perspectives and what you're ready for, and you are clearly not ready for marriage nor even taking this relationship into "serious mode"..this isn't the girl for you, and that guy who turned around and just woke up one day and had this epiphany, is full of crap...don't swallow that, it's a woman's fantasy that men do that and a mans feeling of obligation to do so, you're going to feel pressure in life to be something or even someone you are not, and a lot times that's influenced by the people closest to you rather than some distance thing and it's also in your own head.

 

While late 20's isn't necessarily an early age to settle down, you've definitely still have time to think about settling down in the future...there's plenty of women between late 20's and settling down...which is whenever you truly feel like it's time, and things change, you kind of know when the winds are starting to blow in a different direction, you see the "reality"...but it isn't late 20's just yet.

 

Another thing you'll need to be careful of however is wasting a woman's time. Like most women, if she's with you she's with you for the long-term. So for her, this is investment....an hour glass of sand that overtime should mean "progression" in the relationship, and if you have no means of ending up with that women then don't hang out in it too long. I think you've dated her long enough and know her well enough as well as your feelings of whether she's long-term material...not in a practical way, but emotionally. You should have figured that out within the six months, you would have just still been in that honeymoon phase and your perspective would be very difficult..it really sucks to meet someone you truly can see yourself with in the future, but know you aren't ready...and you'll have to pass up those kind of girls too if you plan on staying single.

 

At this point be more realistic and transparent with yourself about what you want...accept it for what it is, don't try and change it because it won't work or you'll end up like a lot of bitter and resentful guys in relationship that just kind of went with the flow of it. There's already enough of those guys in the world, trust me, very few of them truly feel like they're with the right woman.

 

Break it off with this girl, because that's what is being honest with yourself and this girl...if you can't do that, then you're being selfish and in your selfishness you may actually be wasting your own time and causing yourself more drama and damage because everything's a trade-off and a sacrifice, and if you have to convince yourself of something then it's obvious your heart isn't really in it.

[Purepony]

I ask myself the same question but I'm afraid of looking back and regretting it

[Rydo]

Some on here will claim you are immature and going through a phase... Ignore them completely. Do what makes you happy. I'm in a similar situation (though I did pretty good at high school) and I'm loving it still. Dont plan on changing just because people feel that I should be settling down. My friend is getting married next year and all I can think of is how many bridesmaids I'm going to hit on.

[shoegal4]

Very interesting thread and it's nice to see this from a man's point of view. I too, feel the pressures of marriage and babies at 27 but I'm no where near ready or have the desire to do so either. Dating can be really fun and until you meet that person that sparks you, and never makes you question how you feel, everyone else is just background noise. If you don't feel this yet about the girl you've been dating for 6 months, she's not the one. That feeling doesn't just appear out of nowhere. Cut her loose and find your dream girl.

 

Continue dating and having fun - regardless of what friends and family say. You are where you are supposed to be in this moment for a reason. If you were meant to be married, you would be on that track!

 

When you meet her, you'll just know.

[orangetree]

First of all, where are you from??

I'm turning 27 in a month and most of my friends aren't married yet, many of them aren't even in a relationship. If I got engaged to my boyfriend now, I would definitely be one of the first ones. You're only 27, not 37. If you find a girl you love, why not marry her in two years? If you don't find a girl you love, why not wait and see? Why not get married at 35? Or never, if that's not what you want? Don't obey to social pressure.

 

And if you're not in love with that girl you're dating after six months, you should definitely dump her, for her own sake. You're wasting your time and hers. Let her find somebody who loves her and find somebody for yourself. If you settle for "She's treating me nice and is a great partner" none of you will ever be happy.

[Frivolous]

This thread talks to me so I will follow on from my first post. I feel like the Mr Miyagi of single 28 year olds.

 

To illustrate how important it is to follow your own hopes and dreams I will tell you my story (very short version)

 

Went out with a girl in high school (childhood sweethearts), didn't see each other for years until bumping into each other in a club. Months later found each other online and chatted veryvery mushy stuff for a long time. Finally got together after another long time and long distance dating. Lived together, had some differences. Decided to go travelling for a year and broke up with her 2 months in.

 

So that's it in a nutshell, crazy movie like fairytale came to a dramatic end after 3 years!

 

I'll keep it real and say I have never stopped thinking about ending it and have never met anyone who has even come close to matching that girl but hand on heart felt like I just wasn't for her. Maybe I just got caught up in an early 20s love bubble. Been single for over 2 years now and of course sometimes I wonder if it was the right thing do.

 

However the experience's and self fulfilment I have had since has developed me more as a person than that relationship ever could of.

 

I am so much more assured of who I am and what I need from a relationship. I'm still happy following my dreams

[jackny123]

OP here again - thanks for the overwhelming amount of discussion and debate on this thread. As one of the posters said, you rarely hear this from a man's point of view and I feel like my male friends are silent on this issue.

 

To clarify: It's not that I completely don't love the girl. I'm not just with her because she cares about me and treats me well. As I said, I am growing to care for her more and more and could see myself loving her.

 

My only hesitation was in the fact that I don't know if she's THE ONE and don't know if I want to marry someone who I truly care about - and will someday soon potentially love while some of my friends are totally gaga crazy over their girls and already talking about marriage, kids, etc., while I just see my partner as a great person to have in my life and someone I truly care about.

 

Some people know they met their future spouse in 30 seconds, others, it takes time. It could be that if things go well with this girl that I see myself with her for years and years because she's a wonderful partner and I don't want anyone else. Is that an anti-Hollywood version of love? Or is love all about crazy feelings, passion and just knowing instantly, rather than building a steady, slow growing and loyal relationship with someone that gets through the challenges of everyday life with you?

 

I feel like quite often the people who KNOW that they met the one or are so into marriage are often the ones that end up bored, sad or divorced. While the people who go slow and steady and don't buy into fantasy often work out. Does that make sense?

[Rydo]

The whole idea of finding the one is irrational. Find someone that makes you happy in the moment because one day you will not feel the same attraction as you did in the beginning no matter who you end up with.

 

Lifetime monogamy isn't natural for humans.

[Ieris]

If I find someone I want to marry then great, if not it isn't the end of the world. I am not going to settle just for the sake of settling down. I am glad I don't have 3 failed marriages under my belt and simply enjoy my life as it is.

[shoegal4]

First of all, where are you from??

I'm turning 27 in a month and most of my friends aren't married yet, many of them aren't even in a relationship. If I got engaged to my boyfriend now, I would definitely be one of the first ones.

 

Exactly like me, orangetree. I think a lot of people our age are not married or even in serious relationships. And to be honest, I think it's mainly because we aren't done having fun yet. I struggle with wanting a relationship and staying single.

[jackny123]

Everyone, thank you again. Checking in here.

 

I am still with this girl but considering ending it soon. She is a wonderful girl. I have nothing negative to say about her. She is so into me that I am amazed by it, in a good way. For example, she feels compelled to snap random pictures of me at random times.

 

No girl has been this into me for six long years, and even then, the last girl who was this into me was a complete nutcase. This girl is actually normal, sane and an adult.

 

I told her last week that I was not in love with her after 10 months of knowing her and 6 months of being 100% her boyfriend. She was tremendously upset, but relented and said it's okay, as long as I could grow to love her in time.

 

Girls like this come around once or twice in a lifetime. She has my complete trust, I get along with her family, she is fun to hang out with, the sex is as fine as it can be for a relationship, and she actually, 100% cares about me and who I am.

 

It depresses me to think that I have to let this girl go because I am a "young 27" and still not ready to step up to the plate of a girl moving in, committing to her and marriage.

 

My parents' marriage was awful and ended in divorce. I see many guy friends slowing down and settling down into permanent lives when they're only 27/28 years old. Marriage still seems like a trap to me.

 

I hate to leave this girl but it sounds like it's the "right thing to do" and not something where I should waste her time anymore.

 

She is good looking, smart and overall a great person. I don't imagine it would take her long to find a new guy, one that would fully give himself and potentially commit to her long term, if that makes sense.

 

It seems like that is not me....

[emva07]

28 year old here. From my experience, the friends I have in relationships all seem to have very deep issues that for me would be deal breakers.

 

What do they all have in common? They don't want to be single/are in a rush o get married.

 

The fact that this girl said it's ok you don't love her as long as you grow to love her just shows what's more important to her....to have a man.

 

I'm glad that after reading everyone's snippets on here, i'm not the only one that feels like 90% of the people our age getting married are doing it because of societal pressure.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a bf and be married some day but I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to keep lying to myself and others about being happy for the sake of being married. I am one to cut things off once I don't see it going anywhere, maybe I will be single for life for this but I'd rather be happy with myself than unhappy with someone else. To me the point of being in a relationship is to be happy, but to many it's what you just do in life.

 

I think what people our age seem to be neglecting is that this rush to be married fast will inevitably end in divorce whether it be in a few years, once their kids go to college or later. I'd rather be happy long term to be honest. Life is long to be with someone you feel meh about.

 

My mom who is over 60 put it best a few months ago saying that when she was my age she put so much importance into being with a man and it's not until old age that you realize how stupid of a desperate necessity that was back then. Life is so much more than that.

Edited April 10, 2015 by emva07