too late too soon?

[thebiglimp]

i don't know where would be the best place to post this so here it goes...

 

mkay so the first dating attempt for me in a long time and i blew it.

 

i would like you gents' professional analysis on the situation. I'm quite new at this so i don't know how to dissect it and gain from it.

 

the whole event takes about a month which i will divide into approx. dates.

 

day 1-10: girl who works at the bar i frequent show interest.

 

day 11- i talk to her for maybe 3 minutes before being interrupted.

 

day 12-19: more body language/eye contact from the girl and also now from me. (i wasn't even interested in her first but why not eat the fruit?)

 

day 20: ask her phone number, saying i want to take her to the dinner. get a 'yes', then phone number... and here's where the idiocy begins. i ask for her name afterwards. her smart phone is gone, btw. she shows me a cheap phone saying that her phone is in repair atm. and can only kakaotalk [iM service] (totally legit excuse,btw)

 

day 23, sunday: try calling but no answer. text her hi. get a hi back.

me: what are you doing?

her: busy with work i couldn't get done during the week

let's have dinner tonight

sorry, busy tonight but i'll be free at afternoon sometime next week

 

now, i take this as a strike one and a downgrade- it's suppose to be a dinner, not an afternoon meet. next couple of texts are idiot blubber on my part.

since getting her number i've been too excited that by now i have lost control of my cool.

 

day 24-25: more idiot texting on my part. no wit, just awkward impersonal questions that she doesn't seem too interested to answer.

last text i send her is 'oh god i think i'm failing at this text thing' her: no it's just me i still haven't fixed my phone so i can only do this on a computer.

 

day 26: i go to the bar on a business. by now i am completely frozen up. naturally, she's overly friendly to me now but i am unable to make conversation. i seriously only said hi and bye to her the whole 4 hours i was there.

 

day 27: call again, phone still doesn't work.

i know she is off today because i know the employee schedule of the bar.

 

text- me:hey let me know if you want to meet up today. and yes, i am pressuring you.

her 6 hours later: sorry i was out all day. i will be like this from now on.

i chat some more unproductive blabber, realizing it's already strike 2.

 

day 29: business at the bar again (i have dealings with the owner) she seem very uncomfortable around me now, avoiding me altogether. naturally, i act the same. then i stop her on my way out, say 'i don't wanna bother you about this anymore but i still wanna go on a date with you.'. her: 'i don't want...' me: 'so no date?' 'no?' her: 'no'

 

the end. lolol.

 

yeah, i'm pretty bummed out by the loss but even as i type it out now, it's pretty funny how bad i was at this.

 

what i'd like to know is, how was the dinner downgraded to an afternoon meet at my first text, and if i came on too strong both instances of text

 

and how interested was she of me to begin with? if very interested wouldn't she have taken the next step to setting up the date after the first text?

 

. it really is a deal breaker that i couldn't talk to her on the phone since that could've felt much more natural to me....

[InsaneTrombone]

The phone repair issue is really suspicious but plausible I suppose.

 

If I read this correctly - you asked her out to dinner randomly through text without giving her any time to prepare / schedule for it? Because it sounds like you just said..."Let's go out to dinner tonight" out of the blue..assuming she had absolutely nothing to do.

 

I don't think she was ever truly interested and probably uses the second phone thing as a backup plan for when guys hit on her. Sounds a little crazy but that's what I got out of this post.

 

Or maybe she was slightly interested and you continued to screw it up with your uninteresting texts, and the final nail in the coffin was showing up and saying hi/bye within 4 hours.

[thebiglimp]

i'm sure the phone was genuine because she was carrying around a smartphone for the longest time until the day 20 when she had with her some crap phone.

 

ok, here's how i judged that she was interested in me. please let me know if i need to reassess how i read girls.

 

and i do sound system install for the bar and occasionally mind the operation so it probably seemed more like i was an employee there. i never drink there either.

 

day 1-10

 

first day she saw me she was stared at me for 5 seconds or so for 2-3 times.

 

(now, i don't much get human interaction in my job so i'm rather sensitive to these signs, regardless of what the contradicting theory might be on how these work.)

 

anyways, from then on, more eye gazes, quick smiles in rather high volume.

 

day 11, we are left alone in the bar. she suddenly gets fidgety as hell- adjusting everything around her, dusting the bottles (which nobody ever does there even with the owner watching) so i finally initiate conversation and whatever light remarks i make she laughs way too hard even though they're not funny at all. then the owner comes back, we are interrupted, and she immediately goes into the bathroom to check the mirror, comes back and just keeps sitting faced toward me staring at me, wanting to continue the conversation.

 

i by then start to get excited by the whole prospect of her having an interest in me so i freeze up.

 

same things go on from day 11-19 when i try to minimize any interaction out of nervousness until day 20 when i work up the courage to ask her out.

 

of course, all downhill from there.

[thebiglimp]

sorry, but could i get more input on this? thx

[Assada]

Fot some reason bro, you were all hard-up to go out with her.

Kinda like something magical was gonna happen, on this "date" and she'd fall in love with you.

- You put too much pressure on her.

 

In fact, the first time you callhed her, and she cancelled on you.

SHE IS THE ONE who should reschedule.

 

You hounding her just seems desperate.

 

The fact is, you guys began seeing each other, when she gave you her number. You got such a hard-on for dinner with her, you were just living for that one evening to throw out all your stuff to impress her.

 

See other women, and dont talk to her again, unless she talks to you

[Jules Dash]

So lets go over this...

 

First thing I would suggest that you always consider when asking a woman out is to ask in a way that will least likely give her a chance to decline the date. For example, avoid asking a woman out on the same night or the following day. If you ask her to go out with you on the same day, she will likely already have plans or think it is too short of a notice. Once a woman decline your first date offer, it becomes much more easy to decline all subsequent date offers or cancel. So when you ask a woman out, I suggest that you first find out which days she is available then when you suggest a date for one of the available nights, she has no reason to reject you unless she is uninterested.

 

Next issue is this: "day 1-10: girl who works at the bar i frequent show interest. "

 

You let a woman show interest for 10 days without making a move. I strongly encourage you to approach her immediately when you realize that you are interested in her or that she shows interest. Your likelihood of maintaining her interest without approaching her will decline over time, especially if someone else comes along to capture her interest. I can tell you that a woman who works in a bar is approached all the time. All the time! You won't look good taking your sweet time approaching her when there is a hunk coming in every few days sweet talking her.

 

Furthermore, don't ask a woman out for dinner on the first date. It's too intimate and too much pressure for a first date. You already will seem to invested in her. She needs to show you that she is worth taking out to dinner. You just want a nice, cheap place to take her for that first meet up to find out a little bit more about her. Coffee shop, Ice cream parlor, Coffee shop, Ice cream parlor... Also, do not let her know where you are going to take her until you have a short conversation with her. Just ask her for her number, call her and talk to her for a few minutes to get a general idea of where her head is at and then ask her out to a coffee shop or ice cream parlor.

 

Additionally, avoid texting as much as you can in the beginning. Do most of your communication on the dates. A brief "Good morning, I hope you have a wonderful day. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday" is enough in the beginning. You can add more sentences as the bond grows. Give her something to anticipate for the date rather than showing your hand through texts.

 

Once, you have the number of a woman and have asked her out, when you see her, you have to interact with her. You shouldn't just say "hi" and "bye" unless you are in an inconvenient situation. This is really important. Women don't like being ignored when you see them and you are supposed to be interested in them. Show interest! It will frequently lower their interest level if you ignore. Show that you are into them. Just walk over to her and sweet talk her for a few minutes. Tell her how good she looks in those jeans and that you like what she has done to her hair. I would even touch her hair. Make her smile!

 

 

This:

"'i don't wanna bother you."

 

I find it very helpful to avoid associating myself with negative terms when speaking with someone I am interested in. Dont' make her see you as a "bother" or a "hassle" or anything else that is not positive for you. Watch your language.

 

 

This:

" me:hey let me know if you want to meet up today. and yes, i am pressuring you. "

 

I wouldn't put myself in a position where you have to wait around and wondering if she is going to call you or text you to "let you know." It really puts too much control in her hands. You should be taking charge more here. "What days are you free this week" is good. When she tells you the days, pick one and make a date.

 

I like the "yes, I am pressuring you" but this should not be said through text. Text leave too much of an opportunity for your words to be misinterpreted. What she read was an angry, desperate text, I guarantee it. This should be said jokingly and with a smile when she can hear your playful voice or see your cheerful smile.

 

Forget the whole phone thing. You had a chance to talk her up at the bar. Your problem was not the phone.

[thebiglimp]

wow, thank you jules. that is the most helpful advice i've gotten and more than i could ask for. i will definitely use it as a guideline in the future.

 

my approach was a turn off, now i have the confirmation. but one thing still curious to me is why she is so avert of me now. day 29, before i asked out in person one last time she was avert. i let it seem that i would not bother her anymore when the question was answered. but 3 days later, when i had to be back at the bar, she was trying hardest to shut me out. she actually sat on the counter armed folded and closed her eyes until her boss was telling her she was on her job.

 

i got out there asap but still wonder what was do damaging that she has to be that aggressive about avoiding me...

 

i acted like she wasn't there so i doubt it was my then behavior

[Diezel]

You lost me at "girl who works at a bar".

 

This was destined to fail from the beginning. She didn't show interest, she was doing her job. Stay away from waitresses and barmaids until you've developed a better sense of how to differentiate real interest from fake interest, because the slope is much higher when it comes to those two professions.

[thebiglimp]

i'm also employed to the bar, only ever there for work, and the signs were way too aggressive to ignore which is why i finally decided to do something about at which point i started to lose my composure

[Diezel]

I didn't realize that you worked there too. I get that the culture is prime time for hook-ups, but in the future, stay away from co-workers like that. Stay away from co-workers at all.

[thebiglimp]

yup, learned it too late...

 

the risk was worth it in my book since i don't get to meet a lot of women in my profession.

 

what i don't get is why she is so aversive now. i mean most of the blunder happened over the text. we're still barely strangers...

[Diezel]

The "why" doesn't matter. Whatever attraction she might have had for you is gone and you need to deal with that. Just move along in life without her.

[thebiglimp]

how long do you think the behavior will last? if the owner takes notice, it's bad on my business....

[Jules Dash]

how long do you think the behavior will last? if the owner takes notice, it's bad on my business....

 

 

She is niw feeling uncomfortable around you due to her no longer having interest in you but you are in her.

Don't let things be weird in the workplace. You have to be professional now. Be pleasant to her, don't ignore her and treat her like you would any other employee immediately. This is important. Make short small talk with her occasionally to demonstrate that you are over her but don't go over the top or try too hard.

[Rydo]

You should have asked her to go for a drink when you were getting her number and just used the number to sort the details. The whole conversation made me feel awkward reading it so no wonder she lost interest.