How would you react in this situation?

[adzas.the.man]

I’ve been dating my gf for about 3 years. We both have a checkered history and admitted and acknowledged that going in. I guess you could say we agreed on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in regard to our pasts. I realize that was a little naïve but that’s just the way it was.

 

Now over the last 3 years we have opened up as we have become closer and shared much of our past anyway. I have certainly been comfortable with all she has shared with me and I assume it goes both ways as nothing has been said to the contrary.

 

So just before Christmas I met a couple who are old friends of hers, they now live overseas but were back for the holidays. Long story made short, him and I were drinking and he told me a story about her past that floored me.

 

Apparently she was the third wheel in a three-way relationship for a number of years with another couple. Worse though is that this couple are her best friend and her husband. We see them all the time, I always suspected that her and her best friend had maybe done some things in the past as they are very close but could never have even thought of this.

 

So I asked my gf about it and she was honest and open and admitted it all. In fact she gave me as much detail as I asked for and then some. My gf was with them when they were just bf/gf, was still with them when the got engaged and was still with them after they got married. About 6 years in all. She only finished with them to be with me, which kinda makes me feel good I guess.

 

Now I have to stress that I am in no way upset about the acts themselves. She was single and everybody involved was above board so good on them for having a good time. I am just finding it weird now when they are alone together. They have a pool at their house and my gf is often down there swimming with her friend. I can’t help but think what happens when her husband gets home, here are two beautiful women who he used to be with in bikini’s in front of him. I know what I would be thinking in his shoes.

 

I don’t know whether I am jealous, worried or something else. I feel I have no right to say anything as we agreed that the past was best left alone and there is absolutely no evidence that anything untoward is happening now yet I feel uncomfortable around them now. I am certainly not going to ask her to stop seeing them, that would just not be fair. I’m not sure what I should do, how I should feel or how I should act.

 

How would others deal with this situation?

[bnx]

Is this a behavior you are willing to accept for an indefinite amount of time?

[adzas.the.man]

Is this a behavior you are willing to accept for an indefinite amount of time?

 

There is no behaviour at all right now (as far as I know at least). These are all things in the past to her but as I've only just learned of them they are new to me.

[Toodaloo]

Dear Lordy...

 

Some people are capable of having good friendships after a relationship.

 

Seems pretty clear to me that she made her choice. You.

 

If you feel uncomfortable talk to her about it. Just bear in mind it has been three years in which she has been completely and utterly into you!

 

I very much doubt anything will happen. There comes a time when people grow up and make their choice. She clearly has.

[coolheadal]

Wow what a past! My Ex had a past too that really over the top and still she told me she won't be going back to that way again. But sure enough after 3 years she gone right back to it. I am will never go though what I had in the 3 years being with her. After Xmas I've sent her packing to to another state to be with her GF, where she can continue on with such behavior. As she told me she'll never change what she did. Well the next guy is up for some interesting behavior. I am a one women man, I am not going to share or want to be in multi-behavioral relationships. Just not me. As for you might want to make sure there isn't anymore wild behavioral relationships still going on. I know you to aren't married but still, is there a commitment with you two on what she did will never resurface from the past? Because she's still hangs out where it happen. Of course you can tell her not too go there, unless she does it for you so you won't feel so stress out about it.

[adzas.the.man]

I know you to aren't married but still, is there a commitment with you two on what she did will never resurface from the past?

 

Well there isn't a specific agreement in regards to going back, however there is an agreement that we will be open and honest with each other. I have no reason to think she has broken that.

 

We are not married but have been living together for 2 years, it's safe to say we are committed.

 

Everything points towards me having nothing to worry about but when that stupid little voice in your head speaks it's hard not to listen.

 

I just put myself in her best friends husbands shoes, sitting around with his wife and my gf knowing that not so long ago the 3 of them used to be together, I'm sure he must have thoughts of rekindling that. Even when the 2 of them reassured me that it was over and done with I got the impression there was a 'but' coming.

[Gaeta]

She was in a poly-amorous relationship. It's not that uncommon. When a poly-amorous relationship is over it's over the same way a monogamous relationship is over. Some stay friends, some don't ever talk again.

 

When this man comes home and sees 2 sexy girls in his swimming pool of course he has a sexual thought, he's a man but who cares what he wants, it's not because he would like to act on it that your girlfriend would just go along with it. I am sure they have set new boundaries and they're all respecting them to get the friendship going.

 

I am pretty sure most my exs would want sex with me again, I know I wouldn't, I am not wired like a man. When I have a man in my life I don't think of having sex with an ex.

[Redhead14]

I’ve been dating my gf for about 3 years. We both have a checkered history and admitted and acknowledged that going in. I guess you could say we agreed on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in regard to our pasts. I realize that was a little naïve but that’s just the way it was.

 

Now over the last 3 years we have opened up as we have become closer and shared much of our past anyway. I have certainly been comfortable with all she has shared with me and I assume it goes both ways as nothing has been said to the contrary.

 

So just before Christmas I met a couple who are old friends of hers, they now live overseas but were back for the holidays. Long story made short, him and I were drinking and he told me a story about her past that floored me.

 

Apparently she was the third wheel in a three-way relationship for a number of years with another couple. Worse though is that this couple are her best friend and her husband. We see them all the time, I always suspected that her and her best friend had maybe done some things in the past as they are very close but could never have even thought of this.

 

So I asked my gf about it and she was honest and open and admitted it all. In fact she gave me as much detail as I asked for and then some. My gf was with them when they were just bf/gf, was still with them when the got engaged and was still with them after they got married. About 6 years in all. She only finished with them to be with me, which kinda makes me feel good I guess.

 

Now I have to stress that I am in no way upset about the acts themselves. She was single and everybody involved was above board so good on them for having a good time. I am just finding it weird now when they are alone together. They have a pool at their house and my gf is often down there swimming with her friend. I can’t help but think what happens when her husband gets home, here are two beautiful women who he used to be with in bikini’s in front of him. I know what I would be thinking in his shoes.

 

I don’t know whether I am jealous, worried or something else. I feel I have no right to say anything as we agreed that the past was best left alone and there is absolutely no evidence that anything untoward is happening now yet I feel uncomfortable around them now. I am certainly not going to ask her to stop seeing them, that would just not be fair. I’m not sure what I should do, how I should feel or how I should act.

 

How would others deal with this situation?

 

It is not how she behaved in the past that is important. It is how she behaves now. Everyone has a past and they don't want to or have to share it. Everyone makes mistakes. It's not that they've made mistakes, it's how they've recovered from them.

 

This information is still fresh to you and it's no surprise you are uncomfortable at the moment. Let time close this up. If there isn't anything that raises your radar to say that they are not "over it", then you can address it further. Otherwise, let bygones be bygones. If they can handle it, you will learn to as well.

[adzas.the.man]

This information is still fresh to you and it's no surprise you are uncomfortable at the moment. Let time close this up. If there isn't anything that raises your radar to say that they are not "over it", then you can address it further. Otherwise, let bygones be bygones. If they can handle it, you will learn to as well.

 

While it is easy to say this on the outside (and I do know it's true) it is a lot harder to make an over-reacting brain think of endless possibilities.

 

I just keep thinking that this was 6 years, it wasn't some fling or holiday romance, it was obviously serious. If a gf of mine of 6 years came up and said she was leaving to be with some other guy I can't see myself saying oh how wonderful, I hope you two are happy, let's stay friends. That's effectively what happened here, she broke up with them to be with me. Now I'm the first to admit I don't understand polyamorous relationships (if that is what it was) so maybe this is normal but it's very hard for me to see how they can still be such great friends after my gf effectively dumped them. How could all three of them just turn off their feelings with the snap of a finger? I'm sure I will get to ask all these questions now that it's all out in the open but right now my head is just racing.

 

Just for the record too, it wasn't a true polyamorous relationship to my understanding of what one is anyway, she was more their gf. She did not live with them but spent pretty much every weekend with them. But she was not exclusive to them, she had the occasional fling/romance/one night stand of which I was one. We were work colleagues and we were flirting and had maybe a dozen nights out together over about two years before we actually became permanent which overlapped with her being with them. She was honest and I knew she was seeing other people but she said it was more a friends with benefits scenario so we were free to do whatever we wanted.

 

The thing is I do trust her completely so I should just leave it at that, but the other people that are part of this are in our lives virtually daily. While I have no evidence of anything ever happening it is hard not to question what their reactions would have been early on in our relationship especially. I also find it a little embarrassing (?) that there have no doubt been some inside jokes and little winks and looks when we're all together between them while I have been the "outsider". Maybe now that it's in the open we can all share in these times now?