guest569 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 He was lying and cheating. He was deceptive and mislead OP. He should have come clean and said he is sleeping with others, or plans to (he was asked this question directly). Why defend his behaviour? If he doesn't make you feel wanted when you're not around, I think you should get out sooner rather than later. I have been in a committed relationship where I felt that way, it didn't change. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Technically what he did wasn't wrong because he wasn't lying or cheating. He told her he wasn't sleeping with any other women before she had sex with him thats clearly not the case in my book thats lieing cheating? maybe not cause they weren't officially together but def lieing to get what he wanted. I would not judge him on the eye contact. Some people just find it very uncomfortable, especially those on the autistic spectrum. Autism is not that obvious so, although it could be that he is shifty, do not make lack of eye contact your final deciding factor. True I dident think about this but then again I guess it would matter if he makes eye contact at other times other then just sex? I guess there could be other reasons but those two were just the most likely from my experience.. 1
Gloria25 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Well, I guess that guy calling my podcaster cuz some woman was refusing to have sex with him after four months had a point.... I mean, my podcaster was like "four months is nothing" when it comes to knowing someone. Geesh, you'd think at two months you'd figure out if the exclusive talk was just a trick and pony show?
TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Heck im surprised the OP waited that long I really give her credit its a shame things ended up like they did anyways...
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think the eye contact thing to be weird... Why would you request he make eye contact? Apart from that he has lied so if that's a deal breaker to you then end it. He probably thinks he lied to spare your feelings though.
Diezel Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It's hard to decide if he was right or wrong to do what he did, because we aren't exclusive but if you really like someone, I think you kinda stop having sex with other people... Nope. YOU kinda stop having sex with other people. The world doesn't operate according to YOUR standards. Just because you stopped, doesn't mean he has to. You either have a conversation and stop implying stuff or you deal with this. If it bothers you that much, observe and analyze. Other than that, what are you going to do about it? There's nothing you can really do other than get angry and dump him. PS: The eye contact thing is kinda weird. 3
KatZee Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Is it *technically* wrong he's still sleeping with other women? No. Is it hypocritical of him to dislike if you were banging other guys while he goes out and bangs other chicks? Absolutely. Does it hurt you? Of course, because he's being a liar about it. He's following the typical player manual here. You're the main girl and he has his side pieces as well. It's player "fair game" because he's not committing to you...in fact he's purposely throwing "anti-provider" speech at you-- "it's too early too commit." "I'm going to be leaving for three weeks" etc etc. in order to keep YOU thinking that there may be hope down the line for a LTR while at the same time he can juggle all his spinning plates. Up to you if you want to carry on. You can't dump him because you're not in a relationship with him. You are very free to walk though. He's lying to your face. I also find it hard to believe that when you had sex with him, he took the trash out. When you go over again, there is a lone used condom in a garbage pail. It's almost like he wanted you to see it. 4
KatZee Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I definitely won't have sex with him until we would be exclusive but I feel like at this point, the bad things are irreversible. I am not sure how to cope with the fact that I know that he is having sex with other women. I'm just confused because when we are together he is really lovely and makes me feel good. However, when he is not around, he doesnt make me feel that way. Player. Absolutely. Also, you already gave it to him. It doesn't matter if you hold out until "exclusivity." Odds are, he was never going down that road and won't be any time in the future. He's got good game though. Roosh would be proud. 3
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I agree with the above point about hypocrisy. Tbh I would dump him for that reason alone. But I'm harsh. 2
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Vivi - "are you having sex with other people?'" Him - "no". What he really meant - "...at least not today anyway. I did yesterday and I might tomorrow as well, but otherwise I am not doing it with anyone else at this exact moment." So even though they are technically not exclusive that was still deceptive and misleading. The question is how many other loopholes and slight-of-hand tricks is he going to pull from here on? 5
orangetree Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I never understood this culture where you start dating someone but without being exclusive because it's "too soon". If I meet a guy I really like I won't date others, plain and simple as that. And I expect the same from a guy. If you want a serious relationship, dump this guy. He doesn't seem to be interested in anything serious and doesn't seem to care either if you sleep with other people too. 4
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Ive never understood the culture where you becoming exclusive after date 1:confused:
PogoStick Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Did you ask about the condom? I'm surprised nobody has brought up that he might have used the condom to masturbate.
Redhead14 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Did you ask about the condom? I'm surprised nobody has brought up that he might have used the condom to masturbate. No one has brought this up because if he said that to me . . . I'd say it was BS. Why would a man do that? I wouldn't buy it for one second. Not only that, I wouldn't bring it up a) because we weren't exclusive and b) I'd be relieved to know that, at least, if he were having sex with other people, he was using protection. 3
Erised Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 He risked your health without your consent by telling you he wasn't sleeping with anyone else, but he is. That's a lie. I'd end it. If you're sexually active with a person, they owe you honesty about their sexual activities. Not details, but honesty. 3
Art_Critic Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 No one has brought this up because if he said that to me . . . I'd say it was BS. Why would a man do that? I wouldn't buy it for one second. It would be too... that idea had to be created by some cheating guy in order to pass off his used condom on his GF as something else.. what a farce pulling the ole "I used a condom to tug myself off" would be 3
salparadise Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 and that he is going away for 3 weeks and doesnt want to be selsifh by locking me down during his trip blabla My thinking is that this is the revealing statement out of the whole story. Doesn't want to lock you down–– how naive would one have to be to buy that crap. And didn't he say just before that he wouldn't be happy if you were sleeping with other people? Men don't pass up an opportunity to lock down a girlfriend because they're concerned she won't be sexually satisfied while he's gone! The truth is that he doesn't want to be locked down, for obvious reasons. All the other factors... eye contact, eh, maybe he's just not comfortable; the condom, there are other possible explanations; when he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else it's possible that he wasn't at that time. What I think you can conclude is that he's working the edges and keeping his options open... because he's a guy who has options. I think he lied about the reason for not wanting exclusivity, but at least he didn't agree to it to lock you down and then just do as he pleased. I would like to hear what he'd say if confronted with the condom. Your options are, consent to being one of his [seemingly numerous] options or say adios and focus on other prospects. 2
Author vivi_angel89 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Yesterday he brought up sex. He asked me how many sexual partners ive had and when was the last time i had sex with someone else. Ive asked him the same questions and he told me he didnt have sex with anyone since weve been dating. Ive asked him if he would like to have sex with other girls because if he wants to, id also sleep with other guys. He then said no that he doesnt want to. I feel like confronting him about the used condom. Why cant he simply be honest and tell me that he had sex and might have sex again with someone else?
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Even when I try hard, I can't understand why you're wasting your time on a man who is fundamentally dishonest.
hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Yesterday he brought up sex. He asked me how many sexual partners ive had and when was the last time i had sex with someone else. Ive asked him the same questions and he told me he didnt have sex with anyone since weve been dating. Ive asked him if he would like to have sex with other girls because if he wants to, id also sleep with other guys. He then said no that he doesnt want to. I feel like confronting him about the used condom. Why cant he simply be honest and tell me that he had sex and might have sex again with someone else? Probably for the same reason that you can't simply confront him about the condom; You would both prefer to skate around the truth lest you rock the boat and this arrangement. 6
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Yesterday he brought up sex. He asked me how many sexual partners ive had and when was the last time i had sex with someone else. Ive asked him the same questions and he told me he didnt have sex with anyone since weve been dating. Ive asked him if he would like to have sex with other girls because if he wants to, id also sleep with other guys. He then said no that he doesnt want to. I feel like confronting him about the used condom. Why cant he simply be honest and tell me that he had sex and might have sex again with someone else? Why can't you simply be honest? Why are you dancing around the subject of the used condom? And to add, why are you playing this game of telling him if he wants to sleep around you want to too? You don't, so it's kind of a silly thing to say. At this point you're being just as dishonest as he is. By refusing to have a frank, open discussion about your concerns and waiting for him to tell on himself which is childish. I have some news for you, a lot of guys want to sleep around but don't want the girl(s) they're sleeping with to do the same. My ex boyfriend cheated on me up and down the California coast with anyone who was willing but used to surreptitiously check my phone, popped up at my house unexpectedly and got angry when I got a phone call with him and he heard a male voice on the other end of the line - never mind that the person calling was my father! He was sickened at the thought of me sleeping with someone else. Meanwhile, he was banging everything within a 500mi radius. My point is, of course he wouldn't admit to sleeping with others, especially not under the conditions you've laid out for him. What are you even hanging on to him for? You want him to finally wake up and choose you? Hon, that's not ever going to happen. He's made that clear with his numerous for declining exclusivity. 3
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Probably for the same reason that you can't simply confront him about the condom; You would both prefer to skate around the truth lest you rock the boat and this arrangement. Welp, you said it far more succinctly than I did! 1
oldshirt Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Probably for the same reason that you can't simply confront him about the condom; You would both prefer to skate around the truth lest you rock the boat and this arrangement. This ^^^^^^^ You both deserve each other. To have a meaningful relationship you have to be able to talk about meaningful topics in a meaningful manner like mature adults. You both are just playa's trying to out maneuver the other one. 1
Danda Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I wonder if the OP feels like she could have options, too, the way she suspects her sort-of-not-really-boyfriend does. I think sometimes people with unwarranted low self-esteem put up with all sorts of ridiculous **** because they feel like they have to or else they get nothing. Other people can look at them with boggled minds and wonder why in the world they are tolerating disrespect and so on, but I tend to always assume the answer is because they don't respect themselves in the first place. Thus they don't flinch much when others disrespect them. I'd be curious to know the OP's confidence level regarding whether or not / how long it would take for her to find someone new to date. 1
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Why cant he simply be honest and tell me that he had sex and might have sex again with someone else? Because he's probably having sex with whoever he can, and he doesn't want to cross you off his list yet.
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