vivi_angel89 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I've been dating this guy for 2 months. I took my time with him and just had sex with him for the first time last week. Things were great between us. Before having sex, I've asked him if he was having sex with other girls and he said no. However during sex it felt weird because he barely made eye contact with me even though I told him to do so. This week, I've found a used condom in his garbage because it was empty so I saw what was in it... I didnt tell him about it because I wanted him to tell me the truth. So I had "the talk" with him and asked him if he was dating other girls and he said no. Ive asked him how he would feel if I'd be dating and having sex with other guys and he said he would't like that but he won't tell me what to do because it's "too early to be exclusive" and that he is going away for 3 weeks and doesnt want to be selsifh by locking me down during his trip blabla. Should I dump him or wait for him to come back from his trip and continue dating him?
toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 The trust is gone. I'd suggest dumping him. 4
vermillionsoul Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Why would you continue dating him if he is clearly sleeping with another woman? At the same time, you two were not exclusive. On the other hand, if he was serious about dating you, he would not have had sex with another woman. Unless, you are happy being in an open relationship, I would stop dating him. But I feel like you still need him to confess to sleeping with another woman while dating him..........
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 What the hell? Dump him. This BS about 'not wanting to lock you down while he's away' is just that, nonsense. I mean wtf, is he going to Fallujah or something? Yeah, I didn't think so. Unfortunately, your first mistake was just "expecting him to have the decency" to do anything. Unless the words have been spoken, out loud and there is some form of official agreement, you have no right to assume anything nor should you. By allowing yourself to be convinced he wasn't sleeping with other girls you also allowed yourself to let your feelings get in the way of facts. When a person isn't sleeping with other people, they have no problem becoming sexually exclusive with one person. It's a hard lesson to learn but if you continue to choose to just "go with the flow" or "take it easy" or whatever, you're going to need to learn to accept that that sort of attitude breeds non-commitment and severely blurred lines. You wanted the exclusivity of a relationship and he refused to give it to you. Why you somehow thought you'd at least get sexual exclusivity is beyond me. Just drop him and don't look back before you end up as little more than a glorified FWB. 11
bathtub-row Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 You TOLD him to look at you during sex? Look, if you find yourself having to tell someone to do basic things, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Learn to stop instructing and, instead, let a person show you their true self without intervening. If you're constantly trying to drive him and the relationship into a certain direction, instead of letting it flow naturally, you're always going to meet resistance and have problems. In this case - yes, drop him. His comment about not wanting to lock you down is code for "I'm not going to lock myself down while I'm gone". This is completely unacceptable. Kudos for not sleeping with someone too quickly. The only thing is, make sure he's the right guy before you give yourself to him. Time alone doesn't make him the right candidate. 7
bnx Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Absolutely, you need to dump him. If my girlfriend found a used condom, you better believe she wouldn't be around to find the second. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 He doesn't want to be exclusive. Simple as that. The line about not wanting to lock you down is an excuse for him to keep his options open. If after two months you're not getting the exclusivity you'd like at this stage, it's time to move on. 7
mikethemechanic Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) Ever consider the possibility that he's not into you? Edited December 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
somedude81 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I've been dating this guy for 2 months. I took my time with him and just had sex with him for the first time last week. Things were great between us. Before having sex, I've asked him if he was having sex with other girls and he said no. However during sex it felt weird because he barely made eye contact with me even though I told him to do so. This week, I've found a used condom in his garbage because it was empty so I saw what was in it... I didnt tell him about it because I wanted him to tell me the truth and we're not exclusive but I thought that after 2 months of dating, he would have the decency to stop ****ing other girls. If you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive. You should have had that talk with him before having sex. Yes it does seem that he lied to you about not having sex with other girls, so he is not in the clear either. What happens next is up to you. My suggestion is that if you do want to stay with him, have the exclusivity talk. 2
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I've been dating this guy for 2 months. I took my time with him and just had sex with him for the first time last week. Things were great between us. Before having sex, I've asked him if he was having sex with other girls and he said no. However during sex it felt weird because he barely made eye contact with me even though I told him to do so. This week, I've found a used condom in his garbage because it was empty so I saw what was in it... I didnt tell him about it because I wanted him to tell me the truth and we're not exclusive but I thought that after 2 months of dating, he would have the decency to stop ****ing other girls. So I had "the talk" with him and asked him if he was dating other girls and he said no. Ive asked him how he would feel if I'd be dating and having sex with other guys and he said he would't like that but he won't tell me what to do because it's "too early to be exclusive" and that he is going away for 3 weeks and doesnt want to be selsifh by locking me down during his trip blabla. Should I dump him or wait for him to come back from his trip and continue dating him? This is the reason that the exclusivity discussion should happen before you have sex PERIOD. Unless you are both on the same page before intimacy, he doesn't owe you anything. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but it's true. If it's too early to be exclusive, it's too early to have sex. You should move on from this one now. 6
aggie382 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 If you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive. You should have had that talk with him before having sex. Yes it does seem that he lied to you about not having sex with other girls, so he is not in the clear either. What happens next is up to you. My suggestion is that if you do want to stay with him, have the exclusivity talk. The OP did bring up exclusivity and he said it's too soon. 2
SunnySide0418 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I'm surprised no one has mentioned this but what kind of an idiot would leave a used condom in his garbage knowing the girl he's dating is coming over???? 8
somedude81 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 The OP did bring up exclusivity and he said it's too soon. OK, I somehow missed that point. They had sex. Had the talk. He said that he doesn't want to be exclusive. IMO things are a little out of order but everything is in the open now.
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 This is the reason that the exclusivity discussion should happen before you have sex PERIOD. Unless you are both on the same page before intimacy, he doesn't owe you anything. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but it's true. If it's too early to be exclusive, it's too early to have sex. You should move on from this one now. You sound angry with him. You share responsibility in this situation. If a man wants to be intimate with you and does not open the exclusivity discussion, it is your responsibiity to do so. Many women will sleep with a man before that discussion and when it doesn't happen, they feel used. They've allowed themselves to be put in that position. Women also do this because they are afraid that opening that conversation will push him away when, in fact, it doesn't make or break it. If he tells you to move on after the discussion, he would likely have dumped you at some point in the near future anyway. If he accepts it, great. You say you did open that conversation and he said it's too soon. That was your answer. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I bumped out before I could finish my last post. But bottomline, there is no point in bringing up exclusivity with a man, getting the answer you got, and then continuing to have sex with him. 4
Satu Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Should I dump him or wait for him to come back from his trip and continue dating him? You found out that he was sleeping with someone else. Have you considered the fact that he might be sleeping with more than one other? You should. 1
guest569 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Hey, I think "are you screwing other people?" Was the option for him to say no but i plan to. He was dishonest, or at the very least, deceptive. Go easy on OP, this guy is a twat. Could it be the same condom from when you had sex? Still, the no eye contact thing, I wouldn't go near him again. Ignore and find better.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I think you think you are in a relationship with this guy, Yet he feels you are only dating, and seeing other people isn't a lie, He's told you the answer about exclusivity, even if it isn't what you demanded, So why do you feel the need to keep his sex life reprimanded? I see no wrong here except for awkward communication, Maybe get tested too and make sure you have immunization, But I do think you should consider that your answer has already been told, But he hasn't lied to you, nor is his heart full of gold.
Author vivi_angel89 Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Hey, I think "are you screwing other people?" Was the option for him to say no but i plan to. He was dishonest, or at the very least, deceptive. Go easy on OP, this guy is a twat. Could it be the same condom from when you had sex? Still, the no eye contact thing, I wouldn't go near him again. Ignore and find better. I am 100% sure it wasn't the condom we used because he already emptied his garbage after I left his place. It's hard to decide if he was right or wrong to do what he did, because we aren't exclusive but if you really like someone, I think you kinda stop having sex with other people... I definitely won't have sex with him until we would be exclusive but I feel like at this point, the bad things are irreversible. I am not sure how to cope with the fact that I know that he is having sex with other women. I'm just confused because when we are together he is really lovely and makes me feel good. However, when he is not around, he doesnt make me feel that way.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I am 100% sure it wasn't the condom we used because he already emptied his garbage after I left his place. It's hard to decide if he was right or wrong to do what he did, because we aren't exclusive but if you really like someone, I think you kinda stop having sex with other people... No. If you're exclusive with someone you stop having sex with other people. If you really like someone you might consider it, but you're not obligated to. How could he be in the wrong for doing what any other single guy would do? But going based on the assumption that you stop sleeping with others if you like someone for a moment, have you considered the possibility that maybe he doesn't "really like" you? I definitely won't have sex with him until we would be exclusive but I feel like at this point, the bad things are irreversible. I am not sure how to cope with the fact that I know that he is having sex with other women. I'm just confused because when we are together he is really lovely and makes me feel good. However, when he is not around, he doesn't make me feel that way. I'm confused by this but if you're trying to say he's inattentive/disinterested when you're apart than I think it's rather safe to say he's probably not interested in having a real relationship with you. I'm sure you're a cool girl and nice to be around and whatnot but he's making things plain as day for you yet you continue to let your hopes and assumptions cloud your judgement. 1
DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 He wants to have his cake and eat it! My advice = dump and move on. Plenty more fish in the sea. . . 1
TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 He was wrong for lieing to get what he wanted is that really the caliber of man you want to have as a bf? from my experiences there are two reasons one would avoid eye contact 1. They feel disgusted with the person in some way 2. They feel guilty in some way for something..Neither of those are winning sinareos for you OP. Plus hes pretty much told you in so many words with his weak excuses and self serving babble that HEY WERE BOTH SINGLE..Cause after all hes going away and doesn't want to be burdened with a guilty conscious cause he is going to sleep around! So all that being said if your into being lied to and used then by all means continue to accept his breadcrumbs of affection when he gets back..
somedude81 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I am 100% sure it wasn't the condom we used because he already emptied his garbage after I left his place. It's hard to decide if he was right or wrong to do what he did, because we aren't exclusive but if you really like someone, I think you kinda stop having sex with other people... That is more of an assumption and a judgement call on the guy's character. Technically what he did wasn't wrong because he wasn't lying or cheating. Though I do feel when you get to a point where you really like somebody they should become your focus. The fact that he did this means that he isn't as serious as you though the was. I definitely won't have sex with him until we would be exclusive but I feel like at this point, the bad things are irreversible. I am not sure how to cope with the fact that I know that he is having sex with other women. It's up to you how you want to take this and what to do next. But yes, don't have sex with him again without him telling you that you guys are exclusive.
spiderowl Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It sounds like he's planning to have fun on his trip and doesn't want to 'lock you down' because he knows he won't be locked down. It's not so much that he might be having sex with other girls, it's that he's lying to you about it. The trust seems to have gone. I'd give him a chance to explain the condom though before finally deciding. It would be interesting to see what explanation he comes up with! 1
spiderowl Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 He was wrong for lieing to get what he wanted is that really the caliber of man you want to have as a bf? from my experiences there are two reasons one would avoid eye contact 1. They feel disgusted with the person in some way 2. They feel guilty in some way for something..Neither of those are winning sinareos for you OP. Plus hes pretty much told you in so many words with his weak excuses and self serving babble that HEY WERE BOTH SINGLE..Cause after all hes going away and doesn't want to be burdened with a guilty conscious cause he is going to sleep around! So all that being said if your into being lied to and used then by all means continue to accept his breadcrumbs of affection when he gets back.. I would not judge him on the eye contact. Some people just find it very uncomfortable, especially those on the autistic spectrum. Autism is not that obvious so, although it could be that he is shifty, do not make lack of eye contact your final deciding factor. 1
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