Author A1135 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Has your wife always been reluctant to have sex with you? If so, what about her sexual past? Have you ever seen or even heard about her sexual side? There's a small and unfortunate chance that she's axexual. From your op post, she exhibits some of the traits of a closet asexual. If she's that way, then she will never be sexually attracted to anyone. That will never change. I was actually just researching that this morning. She does have a lot of the traits of an asexual person. She has never had a big sexual past, she has only slept with 5 people, never had a ONS, always slept with the guy 3 weeks into dating. Has never been very kinky, she had never really watched porn or had sex toys until me. Her previous long term relationship nhad very little sex, from what she has told me I would be 95% sure that her partner was cheating on her but she was never certain (sounds like she was the wife to cook and look after the home and he had 2 or 3 girls for sex). If she is asexual then it sounds like there is nothing i can do
bathtub-row Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 If she is asexual then it sounds like there is nothing i can do Wow. Unreal. There is ALWAYS something you can do. Three things immediately come to mind: 1) accept it and be happy, 2) leave her, or 3) have affairs (not recommended). Or, you could choose door #4: stay, never talk about or have sex again, and be miserable. So, you see? There's a lot you can do. She actually threw down the gauntlet. The ball is now in your court. 4
tommyr Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I have turned it off from time to time to see what happens and she gets really grumpy. No point having two miserable people in the house That is a total Nice Guy response, which is a big part of your problem. There is no point having you be the only miserable person in the house while she gets exactly what she wants: a dutiful and faithful husband who she doesn't have to sleep with yet still is really Nice to her. 1
spanz1 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Oh and we hug a lot. She says that i need sex and she needs cuddles so i give her cuddles and she gives me..... nothing I just threw up in my mouth a little. You really have to take charge here. tell her you never signed up or a sexless marriage, and that you either need more sex, or you are going to go find it somewhere else. don't put up with they shyte
silversp Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Ok, here is my view from being the one who didn't want sex: There-at least with me-a lot of things that go inside a woman's head AND body. A lot of times I was worried about something (pick one-finances, health, kids) and just could not get in the mood. The other times? Sex would cause pain either during or afterwards-that gives you a lot to be reluctant about. Also, my body. Having kids is fricking hell on your body. Yeah, I see all the celebrity or other moms that seem to be unscathed. From outward appearances, I seem unscathed too when I was younger (I am 58 now) But added weight, stretch marks, sagging boobs from breastfeeding--I could go on and on. In this stupid society where looks are everything it can be a sledgehammer to your self esteem to have these things happen to you all because you chose to bring forth a life. So that can be a damper--"I think I look bad so therefore he will think I look bad." One of the other posters mentioned BJs...well if you have TMJ BJs are not that much fun to do. Also for whatever reason, I seem to get a sore throat afterwards and I am no Linda Lovelace KWIM? Fricken life shouldn't be like a porn movie. I told this to my friend once and he said it changed how he looked at relationships--I call it the "Cream of Wheat Theory": If you were to have a stroke and were no longer able to feed yourself, would your wife be there to spoon the cream of wheat into your mouth? Would you be there for her? If you were to unable to get an erection from said stroke, would you expect your wife to leave you because you could not have sex anymore? Or seek sex from elsewhere? Is sex really that important to you or are you confusing it with proof of love from your wife? Clearly there is something going on with her. It is most likely painful for her to feel like she is not giving you what you think you need. But becoming a mother can really scramble a lot for a woman. Have you thought about just not bringing it up and trying to do other things with her without expecting sex--go on a date. Find something funny to laugh together about. Certainly you married her for a reason--what was that? Certainly (hopefully) it wasn't for the sex?
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) A lot of times I was worried about something (pick one-finances, health, kids) and just could not get in the mood. The other times? Sex would cause pain either during or afterwards-that gives you a lot to be reluctant about. Also, my body. Having kids is fricking hell on your body. Yeah, I see all the celebrity or other moms that seem to be unscathed. From outward appearances, I seem unscathed too when I was younger (I am 58 now) But added weight, stretch marks, sagging boobs from breastfeeding--I could go on and on. In this stupid society where looks are everything it can be a sledgehammer to your self esteem to have these things happen to you all because you chose to bring forth a life. So that can be a damper--"I think I look bad so therefore he will think I look bad." One of the other posters mentioned BJs...well if you have TMJ BJs are not that much fun to do. Also for whatever reason, I seem to get a sore throat afterwards and I am no Linda Lovelace KWIM? Fricken life shouldn't be like a porn movie. I told this to my friend once and he said it changed how he looked at relationships--I call it the "Cream of Wheat Theory": If you were to have a stroke and were no longer able to feed yourself, would your wife be there to spoon the cream of wheat into your mouth? Would you be there for her? If you were to unable to get an erection from said stroke, would you expect your wife to leave you because you could not have sex anymore? Or seek sex from elsewhere? Is sex really that important to you or are you confusing it with proof of love from your wife? Clearly there is something going on with her. It is most likely painful for her to feel like she is not giving you what you think you need. But becoming a mother can really scramble a lot for a woman. Have you thought about just not bringing it up and trying to do other things with her without expecting sex--go on a date. Find something funny to laugh together about. Certainly you married her for a reason--what was that? Certainly (hopefully) it wasn't for the sex? You have a lot of right reasons for doing the wrong thing. Were you to put as much work into healthy intimacy as you do in justifying its denial, can't help but wonder how different your life would be. Avoiding sex because you're worried about finances (among other things) simply assures greater financial troubles - divorce and single parenthood are expensive propositions. And yes, amongst the many reasons I married my wife, "the sex" was one of them... Mr. Lucky Edited January 11, 2015 by Mr. Lucky 2
bathtub-row Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I would say to anyone who doesn't like sex, then don't get married. If you do marry, make sure that person understands that you're not into sex. That way, they've been warned. 2
Honypooh Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I find that when I do engage in sex, the worry about bills, kids, house repairs....etc. all falls away. I feel more focused and better able to handle the little( and not so little) stresses in life.
MJJean Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I told this to my friend once and he said it changed how he looked at relationships--I call it the "Cream of Wheat Theory": If you were to have a stroke and were no longer able to feed yourself, would your wife be there to spoon the cream of wheat into your mouth? Would you be there for her? If you were to unable to get an erection from said stroke, would you expect your wife to leave you because you could not have sex anymore? Or seek sex from elsewhere? Is sex really that important to you or are you confusing it with proof of love from your wife? Certainly you married her for a reason--what was that? Certainly (hopefully) it wasn't for the sex? Yes, I believe I'd spoon feed my DH and he'd do the same for me. There is a big difference between literally being physically unable and 'Waaah, I don't wanna!" Is sex really that important? For a lot of us, YES! Sex is a big part of human pair bonding. I remember exactly why I married the DH and I must admit sex was a part of it. If we didn't have compatible sex drives I wouldn't have married him. If the sex was bad I wouldn't have married him. They have a word for people you don't have sex with. It's friends. I had friends. I wanted a husband.
insert_name Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Ok, here is my view from being the one who didn't want sex: There-at least with me-a lot of things that go inside a woman's head AND body. A lot of times I was worried about something (pick one-finances, health, kids) and just could not get in the mood. The other times? Sex would cause pain either during or afterwards-that gives you a lot to be reluctant about. Also, my body. Having kids is fricking hell on your body. Yeah, I see all the celebrity or other moms that seem to be unscathed. From outward appearances, I seem unscathed too when I was younger (I am 58 now) But added weight, stretch marks, sagging boobs from breastfeeding--I could go on and on. In this stupid society where looks are everything it can be a sledgehammer to your self esteem to have these things happen to you all because you chose to bring forth a life. So that can be a damper--"I think I look bad so therefore he will think I look bad." One of the other posters mentioned BJs...well if you have TMJ BJs are not that much fun to do. Also for whatever reason, I seem to get a sore throat afterwards and I am no Linda Lovelace KWIM? Fricken life shouldn't be like a porn movie. I told this to my friend once and he said it changed how he looked at relationships--I call it the "Cream of Wheat Theory": If you were to have a stroke and were no longer able to feed yourself, would your wife be there to spoon the cream of wheat into your mouth? Would you be there for her? If you were to unable to get an erection from said stroke, would you expect your wife to leave you because you could not have sex anymore? Or seek sex from elsewhere? Is sex really that important to you or are you confusing it with proof of love from your wife? Clearly there is something going on with her. It is most likely painful for her to feel like she is not giving you what you think you need. But becoming a mother can really scramble a lot for a woman. Have you thought about just not bringing it up and trying to do other things with her without expecting sex--go on a date. Find something funny to laugh together about. Certainly you married her for a reason--what was that? Certainly (hopefully) it wasn't for the sex? Thats exactly the attitude that someone who is not into sex exhibits- minimise the issue and shame the other person into feeling that they are being unreasonable for having a sex drive. Thats the problem here, people who have no desire for sex have no understanding of what its like for someone who has a strong sex drive and think that that person can be just like them if they stop being unreasonable and concentrate their mind on being even nicer to the 'withholding' spouse rather than whinge about not getting any. Like sex is something that its completely reasonable to give up on and go without as you get older. Sex is a reasonable expectation in a marriage unless otherwise agreed at the start, so if there is no sex then the partner who does not want it has no moral highground whatsoever and needs to be the driving force behind finding a solution. They do not have the moral highground to try and convince the sex-less partner thst they are the one being unreasonable. 1
loveboid Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Thats exactly the attitude that someone who is not into sex exhibits- minimise the issue and shame the other person into feeling that they are being unreasonable for having a sex drive. Yeah, imagine someone denying and shaming their spouse on hugs and kisses. Hardly anyone dares but they do on sex because they hide behind cultural shame that already surrounds sex.
Jswscents Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 The big issue with relationships is that everyone is always passing the blame. It takes two to make a marriage worth. Men need to learn how to make their significant other feel sexy and needed and women need to learn how to keep their men engaged above the challenges (work, family, life) we face. It's i proven fact that people whole live active sex lives are less stressed.
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