A1135 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I am becoming more and more frustrated with my sex life. Its now to the point that its not just about the quantity but the type. When we do have sex (about once a month) its always the same. There is no variety no willingness from my wife to experiment. Its just getting more and more frustrating for me. This ontop of the fact that last week she told me that she feels guilty for the lack of sex and that she dosent want to talk about it anymore. No more discussion case closed, it is what it is and its not going to change just learn to deal with it. To say this mad me mad was an under statement but in my usual beta way i just rolled over and tried to sleep. I think i have tried everything except being a total alpha dick which i dont think will work on her and MC. For those of you who have gone done the MC route did it work if your partner just didnt want to talk about it anymore?
dichotomy Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) I always had to drag her there. It was helpful to find a MC who was both a female and a sex therapist. It helped some on the sexual part. Mostly in the quality of the sex we have, she puts in more effort/acting - that part went from bad to "just ok". Quantity of sex has not improved much, maybe a little but not near what I or therapist wanted. But its something. The most benefit I got was not sexual. It was having someone on my side. You get messed up - thinking your a bad spouse or something (I have my defects and can be an ass at times and I hold on to past issues). After several months of therapy this therapist told my wife I was a pretty great husband and many women would be happy to have me - and she should get back her kinky old self with me twice a week. That was a great help in my own personal journey and allowed me to stop trying to please her so much, doing the "sexual rain dances" hoping she would shower me with sex. It also allowed me (when we were going to session) to ramp down my badgering her on sex - as the female therapist would do this for me (what? why no sex this week? whats wrong with BJ's they are great!). In other words I could relax because I knew this female therapist would say what needed to be said for me. I got caring sympathy and support ... from a kind of surrogate OW. Still I do want to continue to help her get back to this...thanks to the therapist(s) I know understand she has a kind of emotional/marriage/sexual relationship illness or defect. She also has developed a number of health/physical/medical issues which I now think contribute to some of her desire. The therapist no longer wishes to see us both - only my wife, but that is not going to work. If we (me and therapist) want her back in therapy we have to go as a couple again. Will see if I can do this again in 2015, but she is more resistant than ever, and and angry - I think she struggles internally (denial or resistance) - that the problem is her. I see more lashing out and anger as we approach the core..... what ever that is..and as I stop doing the rain dances I used to do in the marriage to appease her. I worry sometimes now that she will be the one to leave me. But this is my case -sorry to vent. I do think you should go into marriage/sex therapy with an open mind and let someone else take this over for you. Then focus on you and your growth as a man, maybe IC on the side while you also go to MC. Edited December 30, 2014 by dichotomy 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 She's right,it is what it is,BUT you don't have to deal with it. There are plenty of women willing and wanting to have sex. It's your decision to end the marriage though,if you choose to do so,and in my opinion,lack of intimacy is a good reason. No sense in you being hung out to dry for someone elses lack of libido. 2
central Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 You know exactly where you stand with her in regards to this issue. MC won't work because she doesn't want to talk about it, much less change anything. You have no good options other than to d1tch the b1tch and move on to a happier version of life. 1
loveboid Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Sometimes I wonder if women just pick a guy with a job who they have no sexual attraction for and fake it to get the marriage proposal. Or it could be she just doesn't know how to communicate to resolve little resentments that happen in any marriage but that are resolved gracefully and openly. I would let her go. She is probably horny just not for you. Staying in this relationship makes you both vulnerable to affairs. Whatever is keeping you together now would keep you together throughout the affairs and you'd cause more heart ache for yourselves and your affair partners.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Sometimes I wonder if women just pick a guy with a job who they have no sexual attraction for and fake it to get the marriage proposal.. Many women are just looking for a decent situation to settle into, with guy they know is reliable, steady and dependent so they can have a nice little sanctuary...women need security and stability to be happy and a lot less paranoid, many are willing to forego the romance and sexual aspect of it if those needs are met...but it's a trade-off they were well aware and one they decided without your consideration. So she'll do what she can to avoid your "issue" because it doesn't really affect her, and she'll just hope it magically goes away or you just shut up. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 she told me that she feels guilty for the lack of sex and that she dosent want to talk about it anymore. No more discussion case closed, it is what it is and its not going to change just learn to deal with it. Certainly shows what you're up against as her position is internally inconsistent. Someone who feels guilt or responsibility normally also addresses their role in the situation. Why would you put up with this ??? Mr. Lucky
tommyr Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Clearly your wife believes that she can make decisions controlling your sexlife without consulting you or your agreement. Inform her this goes both ways. Inform her that since she has stopped doing the "sex" part of the marital vows (... to have and to hold...) you are no longer doing the "monogamy" part of those same vows. Follow this up by joining some of the pilates classes at your gym and going out afterwards for coffee with the ladies. She can just learn to deal with that. 2
spanz1 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 do you have kids? if not, just serve her with divorce papers. such and insensitive controlling person should not be married. If you do have kids...that becomes tougher. despite what you see written, a divorce WILL screw them up somewhat. so ask her for an open marriage. how can she refuse if she is so against having sex.
Newlywed80 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 This ontop of the fact that last week she told me that she feels guilty for the lack of sex and that she dosent want to talk about it anymore. No more discussion case closed, it is what it is and its not going to change just learn to deal with it. To say this mad me mad was an under statement but in my usual beta way i just rolled over and tried to sleep. I think i have tried everything except being a total alpha dick which i dont think will work on her and MC. For those of you who have gone done the MC route did it work if your partner just didnt want to talk about it anymore? I am going through the same thing (the post is called Sexless Marriage...by a Wife), and I completely understand. We have sex about once every 3 months, so I can sympathize entirely. I also feel like I've tried everything with my husband, to no avail. He also never wants to discuss it, and in fact, he gets angry. Your wife is lucky she has you, that you talk about it without being a dick, and that you would even consider MC. My husband would not. I hope everything works out, but would love to know if/how you eventually get her to discuss it with you and/or a counsellor? My husband refuses to see a doctor or see someone to discuss this issue and consistently makes it out to be my fault, which is why I'm the one on these message boards, while I'm not even sure that it's a concern of his.
Newlywed80 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Sometimes I wonder if women just pick a guy with a job who they have no sexual attraction for and fake it to get the marriage proposal. I would let her go. She is probably horny just not for you. Staying in this relationship makes you both vulnerable to affairs. Whatever is keeping you together now would keep you together throughout the affairs and you'd cause more heart ache for yourselves and your affair partners. As someone who is a female, and is going through the same issue, I wonder why the majority of articles, message boards, etc. deal with men not receiving sex from their wives, and then have angry follow up comments made by men that the wife is a bitch, etc. There are women in this situation to, who are married to men with low sex drives. On the reverse side, I often wonder if my husband just got married to me to put up the facade of having a perfect life (i.e. education, good career, marriage, and eventually kids and home in the suburbs). I don't necessarily think it's that his wife is horny for someone else. His wife, like my husband, probably just doesn't have much of a sexual desire in general, but is too afraid to admit her inadequacies. I don't know all of the details of the story, but she could also be tired from work, children, housekeeping, etc. That said, I do think she could find more time than once a month, as could my husband, or at least talk about it and/or fake it for the sake of the marriage... 1
Newlywed80 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 This ontop of the fact that last week she told me that she feels guilty for the lack of sex and that she dosent want to talk about it anymore. No more discussion case closed, it is what it is and its not going to change just learn to deal with it. To say this mad me mad was an under statement but in my usual beta way i just rolled over and tried to sleep. I think i have tried everything except being a total alpha dick which i dont think will work on her and MC. For those of you who have gone done the MC route did it work if your partner just didnt want to talk about it anymore? I also wanted to add in that what I don't understand about my own situation, which seems similar to yours, is why the spouse refuses to discuss it to the extent that they do? I figure in this crazy life filled with moments of stress, if you have one person who is on your side and cares enough to discuss such an important issue with you, that person is worth talking to...it makes me even more sad to think that the one I married doesn't want to discuss these things with me at all...its impacts both of us and I would genuinely like to see him (and of course, myself), lead a life that experiences the joys of sex and intimacy. Either that, or we just need to move on...
darkmoon Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) the councillor is running the show, ok, they may have good input, but they do not really know you both am wierded out by the way you both obey when the councillor says to see your wife alone Edited January 2, 2015 by darkmoon
Newlywed80 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) The most benefit I got was not sexual. It was having someone on my side. You get messed up - thinking your a bad spouse or something (I have my defects and can be an ass at times and I hold on to past issues). After several months of therapy this therapist told my wife I was a pretty great husband and many women would be happy to have me - and she should get back her kinky old self with me twice a week. That was a great help in my own personal journey and allowed me to stop trying to please her so much, doing the "sexual rain dances" hoping she would shower me with sex. Still I do want to continue to help her get back to this...thanks to the therapist(s) I know understand she has a kind of emotional/marriage/sexual relationship illness or defect. She also has developed a number of health/physical/medical issues which I now think contribute to some of her desire. The therapist no longer wishes to see us both - only my wife, but that is not going to work. If we (me and therapist) want her back in therapy we have to go as a couple again. Will see if I can do this again in 2015, but she is more resistant than ever, and and angry - I think she struggles internally (denial or resistance) - that the problem is her. I see more lashing out and anger as we approach the core..... what ever that is..and as I stop doing the rain dances I used to do in the marriage to appease her. I worry sometimes now that she will be the one to leave me.[/b][/i] If you don't mind, can I ask you a few questions? I know you posted on my thread and I do appreciate that, I didn't realize that that you've been/are going through something similar, so I can sympathize. Your comments intrigued me, and have touched on some things that I've been thinking about. 1) You mentioned it can mess you up, thinking you're a bad spouse. Did your wife point out your so-called defects, or is this how you felt personally after she kept refusing sex? In my case, when I bring up the issue, my husband seems to point out all of my defects, which I think is used to detract from his own inadequacies i.e. I'm not neat enough, not "healthy" enough, I supposedly work too much, am in front of my computer all the time. Believe me, I would gladly throw down my computer if he demanded sex!! I also find this hypocritical because he is either on his tablet or phone all the time. I've even tried to initiate "date" evenings where neither of us looks at technology, but he doesn't go for this. These little critiques and hypocrisies can seriously f*** with your mind...I often have to shake myself out of feeling inadequate. 2) You mentioned at the bottom of your post that you've stopped doing these "rain dances." What were the types of things you used to do? To what extent has that changed the dynamics of your relationship? Do you feel better personally? Is this why she's getting more angry, because you've stopped appeasing her? I ask because I think I do these "rain dances" too. For example, I try to talk about the issue, he gets angry and then I end up going to him and trying to make HIM feel happy. There's no talk of how the lack of sex, or his anger, makes me feel. Afterwards, I feel like I haven't fully stood up for myself, or I've just tried to appease him to either make him feel better, or to temporarily move on from the situation (it inevitably pops up again after another month or so) To sum, do you think stopping these rain dances might help, or no? Clearly, it's not really working for me now, as I feel like he has ALL of the power in the relationship. 3) How long have you been going through all of this? Edited January 2, 2015 by Newlywed80 1
dichotomy Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Newlywed80, Let me say my case (or my wife's) is very messed up. This was a second marriage for both of us. After our terrible first marriages - I went into deep retreat from romance and life. After her abusive marriage and death of father (at that time) went wild - casual sex (1-3 dates), simultaneous separate partners (poly) and even married men. She went from 30 years of a reserved approach and life - to 3-4 years of anything goes. I did not know any of this when we met, other than she was much more sexually aggressive then I was when we met and it took me a long while to warm up sexually as I needed intimacy and closeness to open up in the bedroom. She claimed to value fidelity and share certain religious beliefs and I trusted her. Unfortunately she continued to see the one MM (EA) until just after we got married when it all came out. Shortly after this - her interest in sex, and certain sex acts started to decline (with occasional spikes back) She had a mixture of amazement and admiration for me as successful professional and good man - while also teasing me on being reserved sexually and possessing (her view not mine) certain feminine/gay like traits. I worked hard to tone those down over the years. However, what I mean by rain dance - was do more beta crap - more domestic things (cleaning child care) more romance - special trips, gifts... etc. You know the typical BS they say women stop having sex with their husbands causes there slops and clods who do not treat them well. I even lost weight and got in shape. I was doing all this to get her to fire back up her sexual interest. But she claimed she no longer wanted to act they way she did before with me (or mainly with others) because it was disrespectful and I was not loving her to ask for it anymore. I have toned down the rain dances significantly, we stopped years ago allowing any negative comments on my masculinity (I had hard boundaries) and because I am not that person anymore anyway. 10 years. Large swings in sex, over that time, some good swings, mostly down. However after 9 months of sex therapy last year there was a slight consistent improvement in quality. Not what I want, or therapist wants, but hopeful. Edited January 2, 2015 by dichotomy
Mal78 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I am becoming more and more frustrated with my sex life. Its now to the point that its not just about the quantity but the type. When we do have sex (about once a month) its always the same. There is no variety no willingness from my wife to experiment. Its just getting more and more frustrating for me. This ontop of the fact that last week she told me that she feels guilty for the lack of sex and that she dosent want to talk about it anymore. No more discussion case closed, it is what it is and its not going to change just learn to deal with it. To say this mad me mad was an under statement but in my usual beta way i just rolled over and tried to sleep. I think i have tried everything except being a total alpha dick which i dont think will work on her and MC. For those of you who have gone done the MC route did it work if your partner just didnt want to talk about it anymore? This does suck! Royally! I am just crawling out of the same boat and it took a near mental breakdown for my H to talk to me about it. What finally worked (although unconventional) was to research what us a "normal" sex life for a married couple in their mid-30's and "reason why my spouse won't have sex with me"? Then I slowly presented the findings piece by piece. My H had his own idea of "normal" and said he got his information from "sex ed class 25 years ago!! "Everybody knows that I learned it in sex-ed". Ok.. well let's research that. Nope. No evidence to connect with what you *think* you remember in sex-ed. Also, if you haven't connected all day long and at the end of the day you want sex... good luck! Foreplay starts hours/days prior to the act. Thank her, tell her she is beautiful, text her a day starting sentiment and be consistent. Do this EVERY day and make it a habit. She is clearly not connecting with you and with no connection=no sex. Also I initiated a 10 second hug rule. I explained why and it's been effort but what's 10 seconds out of anyone's life? How Hugging Makes You Healthier and Happier I don't believe no sex = affair/divorce. If you love your wife and love to be intimate than you will help find a solution. There can be a serious issue and if it were anything else threatening her ability to be physical with her than you would make efforts and understand because you love your wife. 1
Author A1135 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 do you have kids? if not, just serve her with divorce papers. such and insensitive controlling person should not be married. If you do have kids...that becomes tougher. despite what you see written, a divorce WILL screw them up somewhat. so ask her for an open marriage. how can she refuse if she is so against having sex. We do have a young son who is almost 3. Biggest reason that i wont leave for a while yet atleast.
Author A1135 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 This does suck! Royally! I am just crawling out of the same boat and it took a near mental breakdown for my H to talk to me about it. What finally worked (although unconventional) was to research what us a "normal" sex life for a married couple in their mid-30's and "reason why my spouse won't have sex with me"? Then I slowly presented the findings piece by piece. My H had his own idea of "normal" and said he got his information from "sex ed class 25 years ago!! "Everybody knows that I learned it in sex-ed". Ok.. well let's research that. Nope. No evidence to connect with what you *think* you remember in sex-ed. Also, if you haven't connected all day long and at the end of the day you want sex... good luck! Foreplay starts hours/days prior to the act. Thank her, tell her she is beautiful, text her a day starting sentiment and be consistent. Do this EVERY day and make it a habit. She is clearly not connecting with you and with no connection=no sex. Also I initiated a 10 second hug rule. I explained why and it's been effort but what's 10 seconds out of anyone's life? How Hugging Makes You Healthier and Happier I don't believe no sex = affair/divorce. If you love your wife and love to be intimate than you will help find a solution. There can be a serious issue and if it were anything else threatening her ability to be physical with her than you would make efforts and understand because you love your wife. I would lime to think that i believe that no sex wont lead to an affair or a divorce but not totally sure need to find some better ways to cope. I definitely do the whole day of foreplay hell i have even done a week of it, does not seem to matter. I even kept a spreadsheet for 6 months tracking about 10 variables and timing of my trying to see if there were any pattens. After 6 months no clear combination or reason for when she would or wouldnt be receptive.
Author A1135 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 This does suck! Royally! I am just crawling out of the same boat and it took a near mental breakdown for my H to talk to me about it. What finally worked (although unconventional) was to research what us a "normal" sex life for a married couple in their mid-30's and "reason why my spouse won't have sex with me"? Then I slowly presented the findings piece by piece. My H had his own idea of "normal" and said he got his information from "sex ed class 25 years ago!! "Everybody knows that I learned it in sex-ed". Ok.. well let's research that. Nope. No evidence to connect with what you *think* you remember in sex-ed. Also, if you haven't connected all day long and at the end of the day you want sex... good luck! Foreplay starts hours/days prior to the act. Thank her, tell her she is beautiful, text her a day starting sentiment and be consistent. Do this EVERY day and make it a habit. She is clearly not connecting with you and with no connection=no sex. Also I initiated a 10 second hug rule. I explained why and it's been effort but what's 10 seconds out of anyone's life? How Hugging Makes You Healthier and Happier I don't believe no sex = affair/divorce. If you love your wife and love to be intimate than you will help find a solution. There can be a serious issue and if it were anything else threatening her ability to be physical with her than you would make efforts and understand because you love your wife. Oh and we hug a lot. She says that i need sex and she needs cuddles so i give her cuddles and she gives me..... nothing
Author A1135 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 I am going through the same thing (the post is called Sexless Marriage...by a Wife), and I completely understand. We have sex about once every 3 months, so I can sympathize entirely. I also feel like I've tried everything with my husband, to no avail. He also never wants to discuss it, and in fact, he gets angry. Your wife is lucky she has you, that you talk about it without being a dick, and that you would even consider MC. My husband would not. I hope everything works out, but would love to know if/how you eventually get her to discuss it with you and/or a counsellor? My husband refuses to see a doctor or see someone to discuss this issue and consistently makes it out to be my fault, which is why I'm the one on these message boards, while I'm not even sure that it's a concern of his. I have found your thread very interesting, very similar to my situation. Its clear that all the frustrutions of being the high drive partner is the same if your male or female.
tommyr Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 ... snip... After 6 months no clear combination or reason for when she would or wouldnt be receptive. Here is the reason: she does not like sex and you keep rewarding her sexless behavior (by "cuddling more" and meeting all of her needs outside the bedroom).
Author A1135 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Here is the reason: she does not like sex and you keep rewarding her sexless behavior (by "cuddling more" and meeting all of her needs outside the bedroom). I have turned it off from time to time to see what happens and she gets really grumpy. No point having two miserable people in the house
WomenWubber Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Has your wife always been reluctant to have sex with you? If so, what about her sexual past? Have you ever seen or even heard about her sexual side? There's a small and unfortunate chance that she's axexual. From your op post, she exhibits some of the traits of a closet asexual. If she's that way, then she will never be sexually attracted to anyone. That will never change. I think you owe it to your life to try to communicate your feelings to her. But if you have really tried everything in your power to solve this problem, then you still have some options. If your problem is sex and only sex, you could either just do porn to relieve your sexual needs. Or you could negotiate the possibility of an open marriage with your wife. If nothing works, then you can either accept and be stuck in a sexless marriage, or you can get out of there and look for someone else.
bathtub-row Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Sometimes I wonder if women just pick a guy with a job who they have no sexual attraction for and fake it to get the marriage proposal. I often wonder about this, too, because I read about it so much on this site. As a female, I have always enjoyed sex, and I never hear my female friends discuss distaste for sex, either, so I'm even more surprised to know it's so prevalent. I think this kind of thing falls into the category of what I think of as "entitled bad behavior" that I've personally experienced in my past marriages. With men, though, that bad behavior usually entails control, anger, etc. It's like people think that once they marry you, all courtesy and respect goes out the window, and they are suddenly entitled to behave as they please, and you're stuck with it. (Although I think the divorces helped my exes figured out that they were sadly mistaken in that kind of thinking.) What baffles me the most is the blatancy of such behavior and such an uncaring attitude about it being resolved. In the area of sex, I'm amazed at the people who tolerate this. I get it if someone has a medical problem and they work on it together as a couple. But this "too bad, that's the way it is" attitude would be a death sentence for the relationship. My favorite thing is these people who don't have sex with their partners for years and then they're shocked to find out that they're spouse cheated on them. That's priceless. OP, your wife will never respect you if you let this go on. I think you'd be better off letting her know that after giving her words some thought, you have decided that she either work on the issue with you, or you will leave her. If this doesn't get her attention, then nothing will. The truth is, this kind of thing is very bad for your health. I know some people think that's funny but it's the truth. Sex is more than an act. I know of someone who has been in a sexless marriage for 30 yrs and he has so many health problems it's just unreal. This kind of thing actually can kill you. Personally, if I had a spouse who didn't want to have sex with me, it would break my heart.
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Who cares about sex and passion and romance? Life is all about paying bills and taking care of kids!
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