I hope I'm not a...

[Gloria25]

Sociopath and/or a narcissist when it comes to relationships...

 

I already know that cuz of my childhood it's hard for me to "connect" to others. I keep people at a distance. Maybe it's cuz I'm guarding my heart?

 

I watched both Basic Instincts...and, part of me got scared cuz like when Tramell (Sharon Stone's character) would say certain things, I guess I could identify with those things.

 

Like when she was talking about the rockstar that got killed. They asked if she "loved" him and she was like 'nah, I loved what he could do for me...he was good with his hands, bla bla'. I also can say that I never "loved" a guy, but I sure liked what he could "do for me" in the bedroom and for that reason, would do what I could to keep him around.

 

In the 2nd Basic Instinct at the trial the doctor was talking about how she thrives on excitement and stuff and while I think I'm a boring person - but I do get a rush out of certain things. I also like exciting sex.

 

No, no Jodi Arias here. I am not gonna boil anyone's bunny or something stupid. Actually, I cannot stand Jodi Arias. I think she's a manipulative self-centered attention ho. I've also seen Fatal Attraction - the movie - and I'm like 'that chick is nutz, guy told her what it was from day one'. Then, she traps him by getting preggo from one weekend. That's nutz.

 

I just think that maybe that's a reason why I can't land a guy. I can't "connect" with a guy. While I don't have a need for them to pay my bills and/or take care for me, I just want them when I want them to take care of my "needs" like when it comes to sex and giving me that temporary "connection" I guess?

 

The thread I posted today got me thinking about this, but I've been thinking about this for a while...

 

Any guys ever meet a woman that they just felt couldn't "connect" with? Any women out there with similar feelings/experiences?

 

Is there any hope for Gloria25?

 

Can't a guy just accept me with my limitations?

Edited December 30, 2014 by Gloria25

[aggie382]

Tell us about your relationships with your friends.

[Gloria25]

Tell us about your relationships with your friends.

 

I don't have many "friends"....

 

I only keep like one to three females that I'm close to.

 

But, I also keep my female friends at a distance. One, that I'm really close to, she lives in another state and that's how it's been most of our friendship. I go to visit her and she visits me at times.

 

The other females I'm close to, while they live in the same state, they live like 40 min to one hour away.

 

Odd, cuz my mum is the same way and I argue at her cuz she doesn't like to socialize with people.

 

Now in the workplace, I've made and make friendly relationships with people. I get along, but it takes me a while to trust people. But, sometimes when I do, I get diarrhea of the mouth/emotions.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I've read a lot of what you've written on various threads here and I must say, I don't think you're a sociopath, just extremely closed off and slightly out of touch. Other than a few tangential commonalities, I really don't see much in the way of sociopathy in your personality.

 

You and I have a startling amount in common by the way.

[Gloria25]

I don't have many "friends"....

 

I only keep like one to three females that I'm close to.

 

But, I also keep my female friends at a distance. One, that I'm really close to, she lives in another state and that's how it's been most of our friendship. I go to visit her and she visits me at times.

 

Funny you know....the friend I am speaking of. People say they don't trust her. I think she's too nice. People don't know her. But I understand why she doesn't trust people.

 

I mean, she does so much for people who don't appreciate her and walk all over her.

 

I guess she and I have lots in common...lol.

 

We also are driven, educated, hard working women. I must say I have a lot of respect for her. I believe I connect well with women I respect.

[Danda]

I think it's a rather positive sign that you understand yourself so well and don't get caught up in trying to be anything you're not. Sociopaths and malignant narcissists engage in deliberate manipulation in order to use people and treat them like toys, with total disregard for the 'toys' feelings or well being. Often an S or MN will even get a kick out of hurting others.

 

If you simply know yourself well, are honest and upfront about what you want/need and don't want/need, that's a good thing, not a bad thing. Maybe your needs aren't typical, but that doesn't make them wrong.

 

Just wanting sex when you feel like it and being honest about it, compared to someone who wants lots of attention/intimacy but manipulates the **** out of people in an attempt to get it - the underlying significant difference is honesty and respect (or lack thereof).

 

If you're honest and respectful then it doesn't matter what you want, you're doing it right.

[Tiger Lily]

Is there any hope for Gloria25?

 

I think that if you're concerned about this, you're probably not a sociopath. A sociopath wouldn't even care that this is an issue. It would just be completely normal in his/her mind that others are only objects. So, is there hope for you....of course!

 

But, if you're really concerned, you might be able to find a basic questionnaire online that could offer some more insight into any symptoms you think you have. See here, but you might find a better source out there.

 

Even if you have SOME symptoms you don't think are the best, there is definitely help out there. Counseling can offer techniques on developing more empathy for others. And of course, God's love is always my top answer for all problems. Don't forget Jesus!

[Gloria25]

I think it's a rather positive sign that you understand yourself so well and don't get caught up in trying to be anything you're not. Sociopaths and malignant narcissists engage in deliberate manipulation in order to use people and treat them like toys, with total disregard for the 'toys' feelings or well being. Often an S or MN will even get a kick out of hurting others.

 

If you simply know yourself well, are honest and upfront about what you want/need and don't want/need, that's a good thing, not a bad thing. Maybe your needs aren't typical, but that doesn't make them wrong.

 

Just wanting sex when you feel like it and being honest about it, compared to someone who wants lots of attention/intimacy but manipulates the **** out of people in an attempt to get it - the underlying significant difference is honesty and respect (or lack thereof).

 

If you're honest and respectful then it doesn't matter what you want, you're doing it right.

 

I don't know, I guess I'll try outlining that when I start dating soon. I still think it's not gonna work. People usually need more than just great sex. I might have them for a while, but they'll eventually move on.

 

I guess I'll also try to look for more in RLs, but that would me being phony I guess. They'll sniff it out soon.

 

Maybe I just need to go with what works for me and stop worrying about what other people think.

[Gloria25]

I think that if you're concerned about this, you're probably not a sociopath. A sociopath wouldn't even care that this is an issue. It would just be completely normal in his/her mind that others are only objects. So, is there hope for you....of course!

 

But, if you're really concerned, you might be able to find a basic questionnaire online that could offer some more insight into any symptoms you think you have. See here, but you might find a better source out there.

 

Even if you have SOME symptoms you don't think are the best, there is definitely help out there. Counseling can offer techniques on developing more empathy for others. And of course, God's love is always my top answer for all problems. Don't forget Jesus!

 

Agreed, I've pondered this. I believe sociopaths, narcissists could care less what others think and/or see what I'm concerned about as an issue.

 

I sometimes think that I'm capable of love, but cuz of my childhood and bad experiences in dating, that I'm not gonna let anyone hurt me - so I keep them at a distance until I can trust them. And, I also keep them at a distance where there's a "connection", but something I can control so they can't hurt me.

 

Thanks for the link...

[Tiger Lily]

I sometimes think that I'm capable of love, but cuz of my childhood and bad experiences in dating, that I'm not gonna let anyone hurt me - so I keep them at a distance until I can trust them. And, I also keep them at a distance where there's a "connection", but something I can control so they can't hurt me.

 

Yes, that seems like a much more likely scenario (). I'm sorry you've been through so much . I definitely see how keeping your distance is an attempt to protect yourself. People can hurt us...no doubt. And pushing others away kind of turns into a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy. When people can't get close, it's harder for you to see the good in them, and easier for you to justify keeping your distance.

 

I 100% think you can learn to build trust with others and let your guard down. But it takes a lot of work, and a lot if time (imo).

 

But hey, new year....maybe this could be the start of a new beginning towards breaking down some of those walls.

[whichwayisup]

I sometimes think that I'm capable of love, but cuz of my childhood and bad experiences in dating, that I'm not gonna let anyone hurt me - so I keep them at a distance until I can trust them. And, I also keep them at a distance where there's a "connection", but something I can control so they can't hurt me.

This doesn't make you a narcissist or anything close to a sociopath. You are someone who doesn't trust easily and you don't want too many people getting close to you, it has to be on your terms and when you're ready.

 

You care and have empathy/sympathy for people, you're honest, compassionate, and are genuine. All traits that N's do not have!

[toscaroscura]

They say a true narcissist or sociopath would never ask "Am I a narcissist/sociopath?" let alone worry about it.

[Got it]

You may have some level of disassociative personality disorder. If you are truly worried about this, and interested in changing/understanding, seek professional mental help.

[autumnnight]

They say a true narcissist or sociopath would never ask "Am I a narcissist/sociopath?" let alone worry about it.

 

While this can be true, a better question to ponder is WHY are they asking if they might be a sociopath. Are they asking because they themselves are concerned and do not want to be disconnected from people? Or are they asking because they are afraid people might be noticing or think they are a sociopath?

 

I think it can be hard for a sociopath who hasn't just "rolled with who they are" to discern if what they think they feel is real or just so ingrained and rehearsed that it "feels' real. Typically a true sociopath can genuinely feel anger and disgust and irritation and condescension...but not much else and certainly not the more tender emotions.

 

I think if the OP is asking out of a real concern for herself and a desire to connect, then she is likely NOT a sociopath or narcissist. But let's just say I have learned you can tell almost nothing about someone over the internet, no matter how much you interact with them, if they REALLY want to hide who they are. I don't think the OP is doing that, but a lot of people online are scary. That is why you will never see me share any real specifics about my life.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If you reach a point where you want to connect with other people you are going to have to be willing and ready to let go of a LOT of your preconceived notions about what's going on between other people around you that you see. Just let go, acknowledge that you may have been on a very wrong track for a long time and now it's time to try to learn new things about people. You have so many negative prejudices against "females/ chicks" and it seems like you spend a huge amount of energy trying to not be like "them" - but you don't even understand "them." Also relationships - they're not like you seem to think they are!

One more thing - stuff you watch on ID, Law and Order, etc. are not really good mileposts to refer to when navigating life!!

[Anela]

Funny you know....the friend I am speaking of. People say they don't trust her. I think she's too nice. People don't know her. But I understand why she doesn't trust people.

 

I mean, she does so much for people who don't appreciate her and walk all over her.

 

I guess she and I have lots in common...lol.

 

We also are driven, educated, hard working women. I must say I have a lot of respect for her. I believe I connect well with women I respect.

 

I used to be that way. I remember gaining friends, because I didn't respond in kind, when they were nasty. Just the other night, I had a friend tell me that I'm always so kind. I try to be, but I had to learn to stand up for myself. I had one person comment, years ago, that I hadn't hit below the belt as we'd been arguing. They were standing there, looking rather stunned, because all of my responses hadn't been nasty.

 

I didn't trust many people of either sex, for a while, but I'm glad that I do now.

[salparadise]

They say a true narcissist or sociopath would never ask "Am I a narcissist/sociopath?" let alone worry about it.

 

They say, eh?

 

They also say that we didn't land a man on the moon in 1969. Never believe anything they say.

[BC1980]

They say a true narcissist or sociopath would never ask "Am I a narcissist/sociopath?" let alone worry about it.

 

I don't know about sociopaths, but I've read that narcissists can think there is something wrong with them. However, they will likely not be concerned enough to delve into the issue. It would be like a fleeting thought. In dealing with my ex, who I think has narcissistic traits, he would look to other people to mimic "correct" behavior. He possessed little or no empathy, so he wouldn't organically know how to act in a situation. So I would think he knew something was off with him, but that thought was probably buried so deep that he didn't acknowledge it.

[Danda]

They say, eh?

 

They also say that we didn't land a man on the moon in 1969. Never believe anything they say.

 

It's a common myth, yeah (not the moon thing lol, but about socs/narcs). I have pretty strong cerebral narcissism tendencies and am self-aware of it. I can lose that awareness in the moment, if my cerebral narc streak gets stung, so to speak, but I am lucky in that my knee-jerk reaction is to disengage most of the time, so then I get to cool my jets and come back to my senses before opening my mouth. It can give the illusion that I'm humble when I can actually be quite threatened and touchy when I lose a debate, and it often takes me a little while before I apologize about being wrong much of the time. I'll apologize but I often have to calm down from the "narc rage" first. I don't think struggling with tendencies always qualifies as full-blown NPD, though. I imagine full-blown hardcore NPD would lack much self-awareness, since for it to be a "disorder" I'd think it'd need to actually lead to impairing dysfunction.

 

There have also been some very interesting (although quite disturbing) interviews with psychopaths that often reveal that they are very self-aware that they are different and how they are different.

 

But just wanting sex and no serious relationship isn't the same thing as torturing animals.

[hotpotato]

I dont feel like I can connect with most people, male or female. I used to get upset about it, but not anymore. Ive found other things to do with my time. I no longer feel like I have to be a social butterfly because im a girl.

 

My mom isnt social, and neither is my aunt.

 

Im just different. I dont have any female friends. I have male acquaintances who live in other states. One of whom lives closer to the opposite coast.

[salparadise]

I already know that cuz of my childhood it's hard for me to "connect" to others. I keep people at a distance. Maybe it's cuz I'm guarding my heart?

 

Can't a guy just accept me with my limitations?

 

I guess I'll also try to look for more in RLs, but that would me being phony I guess. They'll sniff it out soon.

 

Maybe I just need to go with what works for me and stop worrying about what other people think.

 

I sometimes think that I'm capable of love, but cuz of my childhood and bad experiences in dating, that I'm not gonna let anyone hurt me - so I keep them at a distance until I can trust them. And, I also keep them at a distance where there's a "connection", but something I can control so they can't hurt me.

 

 

I don't believe you should be analyzing it in terms of self-diagnosis and applying labels. All of this stuff exists on a continuum, and extreme cases may meet the criteria for certain diagnoses... but nobody is capable of being objective enough to assess themselves. Such tendencies are also present, more or less, in healthy people. It's good that you are being introspective and thinking about overcoming whatever barriers you have to developing real, healthy connections.

 

Early childhood experiences and disruption (or non-formation) of the mother/child bonding are thought to be key in the inability to form healthy romantic relationships. It's essentially comes down to our sense of worthiness; whether we can accept ourselves deep within and believe that we are truly, inherently lovable just for who we are. Our ability to love is equal to our ability and willingness to allow ourselves to be vulnerable... and that courage comes from one's sense of inherent worthiness.

 

The opposite of this ability is debilitating fear that our brokenness will be discovered––fear of abandonment, rejection, shame... and protecting ourselves from these unthinkable eventualities by not disclosing our true feelings (the definition of intimacy), and not allowing anyone to get close enough to hurt us. Being self-focused rather than generous and other-focused, self-sabotaging, avoidance, inability to trust... ironically, all strategies to avoid the risk being deemed unworthy by someone we've allowed to become important to us (become vulnerable to), which would be likened to the undeniable confirmation of our worst fear... that we actually are broken and unworthy, despite our best effort to hide if from the world and ourselves. It's a logical catch-22 of sorts.

 

The brain develops differently for those who have this full sense of security (via maternal bonding) vs. those whose fear and insecurity are activated during early development due to absence of this fundamental affirmation (probably combined with a biological predispostion). New neuro-pathways can be formed even in adulthood with work and practice and awareness. Therapy.

 

Here's a secret... we're all broken, and we're all still worthy of love. It's all about being afraid and doing it anyway... because what else is there, really?

 

Brené Brown has a wonderful TED TALK about these issues. It's worth watching... as many times as it takes to integrate the concepts.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Talk Video | TED.com

[gaius]

That connecting feeling is really just your brain encouraging you toward emotional intimacy with said person. Like the feeling you get when you have to pee or poop. If you don't really have a great need or desire for that intimacy then you're not gonna get the feeling. Not all that complicated.