rainedbows Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for years. He is a great guy that has always been good to me but lately has gotten, well... lazy. We both work full time, but I take care of the house for the most part. He does what I ask and his few guy chores (if he remembers). Lately, he does them less and less. He will mow 2/3 of the yard and won't finish the rest because "there is a hole back there" (there isn't) and a list of other things that seem petty but I end up doing them or get more work because they weren't done. He constantly, jokingly, pokes fun of me for stuff I occasionally forget, and I can't stand it because he doesn't do anything. I walk past everything he's made a mess of or left undone, and then he touches me or wants to be intimate and I just don't want to anymore. I don't know if I'm asking too much or if I'm justified to feel this way. I just feel disrespected right now and when he touches anything besides my hand or back, I just feel angry. I do love him, but I feel upset with him more and more. I've tried telling him and he just doesn't get it and things still don't change. I don't know what else to do... any suggestions would be great! Thank you!
toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Passive aggressive behavior is a bear to deal with. I wish I had some advice for you, but I can only offer sympathy. He knows he can get away with it and you'll just clean up after him. 5
Gloria25 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I think the meeting needs to be called to order.... All this passive aggressive stuff needs to go. Relationships need good communication. Maybe you two need to sit down and outline your expectations. 1
Author rainedbows Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 I guess I never thought of it as passive-aggressive behavior, but now it's pretty clear. I feel like I have tried to talk to him about it - it's just never well received and in the end I feel unheard and more frustrated.
newlyborn Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I guess I never thought of it as passive-aggressive behavior, but now it's pretty clear. I feel like I have tried to talk to him about it - it's just never well received and in the end I feel unheard and more frustrated. the best thing i have read on passive-aggression, with great ideas for dealing with it. The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka 2
sm2281 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for years. He is a great guy that has always been good to me but lately has gotten, well... lazy. We both work full time, but I take care of the house for the most part. He does what I ask and his few guy chores (if he remembers). Lately, he does them less and less. He will mow 2/3 of the yard and won't finish the rest because "there is a hole back there" (there isn't) and a list of other things that seem petty but I end up doing them or get more work because they weren't done. He constantly, jokingly, pokes fun of me for stuff I occasionally forget, and I can't stand it because he doesn't do anything. I walk past everything he's made a mess of or left undone, and then he touches me or wants to be intimate and I just don't want to anymore. I don't know if I'm asking too much or if I'm justified to feel this way. I just feel disrespected right now and when he touches anything besides my hand or back, I just feel angry. I do love him, but I feel upset with him more and more. I've tried telling him and he just doesn't get it and things still don't change. I don't know what else to do... any suggestions would be great! Thank you! I dont think you are being un reasonable or havig high expectations. . . . I think he needs to put in his part. 2
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 A hole in the yard so he can't finish? he leaves part of it? WTF. That would piss me off. Lazy and not caring enough to lift a finger because he probably has had 'mom' do everything for him growing up. Does he do his own laundry or expect you to do it? If you cook , does he do the dishes afterwards? Set rules. Stick it to the fridge and don't let him get away with such lazy behaviour. 2
Danda Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 If I were you I wouldn't do any of his half of the work or clean up any of his messes. Eventually it will get ridiculous, the house will be a disaster and the yard will be jacked up. Then you can be upset about it, and if he doesn't fix it himself, then leave. Passive-aggressive people rely on you to save face for them, to draw conclusions where they refuse to speak, try to fix things and smooth things over for them, do the crap they should be doing themselves, etc. When you stop doing that for a passive-aggressive person, then suddenly they're not passive-aggressive anymore. They're just a blatantly crazy a-hole. Lynne Namka's article is pretty good, but she's still approaching the situation as "Here is how to fix a dysfunctional person," and that's pretty much the worse-ever mentality one can have when dealing with dysfunctional people. You will drive yourself bat**** crazy trying to 'fix' a dysfunctional boyfriend/girlfriend. In her article she even makes the big, all caps point of you not being his therapist, and then goes on to give the reader great advice on how to be a therapist. A passive-aggressive person will absolutely love driving you up the wall while you try to teach their grown adult ass about feelings. Total waste of time and sanity, in my honest opinion. They know what they are doing and don't care about your feelings. Let them reap. 3
Author rainedbows Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Thank you, everyone! All the advice has helped a lot.
Frivolous Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) I'm not sticking up for you BF because it sounds like he is being a disrespectful, lazy little toe rag. However, from my past experience women can sometimes be their own worst enemy when it comes to household duties. If he leaves something, tell him to pick it up, don't just pick up after him and then translate it into he doesn't care about me anymore so I don't want to be intimate, not exactly logical is it? Just put him straight, lay out his responsibilities and make it deadly clear that if he doesn't stick to it then you will be very unhappy. Often blokes don't even realise the gravity of the situation, sadly! Edit: I would also like to add that I don't think labeling the OP's BF as passive aggressive with no personal experience of the guy is very constructive. Edited December 30, 2014 by Frivolous 1
venusishername Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) I went through this with my ex. He refused to ever clean the bathroom because he claimed he was a 'germaphobe'. He was just lazy. Like your bf mowing the grass 'around the hole'. No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I felt the same way after awhile, the anger you describe when he touches you sexually or wants to be intimate... there's a term for it and it's called RESENTMENT. I've been in your shoes, and I know myself and I DEMAND a man that can pull his weight if he's going to be with me. If you are that kind of person, you need to dump the guy because I promise you, he's not going to change. You can simply bring it up, tell him you want him to do xyz differently. He may not think you care or are bothered by it. It's worth mentioning. But it sounds like you have, and he just doesn't give a damn. Some people are just lazy and that's who they are. Had other people doing the hard work for them. It says a lot about their character, you know? You don't want to be with someone who feels so entitled. If you don't really care and are willing to yield on this, then I'm sure you feel comfortable enough communicating repeatedly that you want him to pitch in more around the house. But your resentment is based in something valid. Listen to it. Edited December 30, 2014 by venusishername 1
Omei Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) Does he do other things you cannot? I asked my mom once why dad never cleans the house he'll do the dishes sometimes etc once I asked my mother doesn't it piss you off he doesn't help clean the house and her answer was I knew your father wasn't a cleaner when we married I tried but its just not who he is, he does all the things I cannot do, and the more I thought about the type of things my father does I realized the jobs were bigger and harder than just cleaning a house hes the one who actually has to fix it when it comes down to it. No matter who's job its supposed to be my mother always says you want it done so bad then do it yourself and so she cleans for both of them but there are plenty of jobs my dad does that she couldnt ever do. Anyway what im saying is think about it is there things he does that you could never do or help with? Be greatful for those Im more like your bf prob if I work all day I dont want to clean the house and I live alone so I don't till I feel like it, one of my biggest worries for my future relationship is having a partner live in my house and coming home to hear them tell me what to clean lol Ps in the past I complained a lot to a ex about his cleaning habits he wasn't a cleaner I moaned and groaned everything he didn't clean and ignored all the effort he put into everything else it backfired on me so thats why I offer this perspective. Edited December 30, 2014 by Omei 1
Author rainedbows Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Venus... you really put it into words for me - resentment is what it is. I thought maybe that's what he was feeling for not doing the things he used to (and maybe he does now that I don't like him to touch me, haha) or that he just forgets, which I could understand occasionally. I'm not immaculate by any means, but I certainly keep a clean house. Omei... it's frustrating because I really only ask him to do the things I can't do or would be difficult, like mow the yard. I have learned that if I want something done I can and will do it myself! I have went out and mowed myself and I thought he would feel bad. The last time it got bad, the dog went back and got a bunch of burrs in her fur so I took her to the groomer to get the most expensive bath package and gave him the bill. It recently snowed so I haven't had the opportunity to see if that will have any effect in filling that elusive hole. It's frustrating because he was so helpful for so long, and then it kind of petered out. There was no drastic change, so I think he just got comfortable and tested some boundaries that I didn't become aware of until pretty recently.
SparklingandBroken Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I know it's easy for me to say; but get out now. I was married to a man, who I also believe to be a narcissist. Before we got married, we talked about chore-sharing and how if one person cooks a meal, the other does the dishes, etc. do you think that EVER happened? He was ok at times--if his brother was staying with us he would help me clean (probably more as a competition with his brother). I had cancer and he would lead my family to believe that he did everything, when in reality he did jack sh*t. I had to go to the hospital for 72 hours straight of chemo infusion, and so I told him that I washed his clothes, but he would have to take them out of the dryer. 3 days later, I get home sick as a dog and clothes were where I left them. His response? "I knew you'd get around to it." And regarding the don't let him get away with it comments--I once left pots and pans in the sink for almost a MONTH because he promised he would do them. After that, I was sick of the stress of an unkept environment and ended up doing them. This behavior crossed into other areas of our relationship. He would go out and say things like "I'll be home at one" and then never show up until 7am. I resented him and he got the satisfaction of casting me as the nagging wife. I think he's an extreme case, but if you find any similarities I would urge you to run far, far away.
mac7716 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 From a males point of view, i see this sort of behavior from my mother and step father. What i see is and lets just concentrate on the house chorus - my mums expectations far outweigh that of my step dads. The house is clean however my mums standards are much greater than his, what i see from my mum is her trying to tell him he hasn't cleaned up correctly without actually explaining how or why it isn't up to standard, sometimes with these cases it ends up being the smallest things that annoy us all. I know you have explained to him he inst doing enough, have you explained to him what your standards are and how its achieved, it isn't as patronizing as it sounds, i mentioned to my mum this and she has now changed the wording she uses and explains to my step dad in a language he will understand, i have seen this work wonders with just a simple twist on it.
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