OLD is just a sick game and Im done with it [update]

[writergal]

anyway, I am not trying to start some flame war. I am not young either, I'm almost 30. I just don't think saying things like 'online dating is a sick game' is productive at all. Yes, online dating has a touch of 'marketing' to it, but that doesn't mean that you can't find great people on there. The trick is to NOT spend days, weeks, months chatting before you meet.

 

Anyway, if someone doesn't like OLD, they don't have to do it. That's all. I don't want to fight about this. I was just trying to put a positive spin on this depressing thread, I didn't mean to offend.

 

You didn't offend me. I am 43 and have dated offline for most of my life, until 5 years ago when I first tried online dating. For you youngun's, who grew up with technology (unlike my generation who grew up with sci-fi versions of the iPhone and tablets and computers visible in tv shows like Buck Rogers and Battlestar Galactica), of course online dating makes sense to you. You'd rather text your friend who is standing 3 feet away from you, than talk to that person. I've seen this happen, by the way. It's scary! Technology has changed the way people interact and communicate with each other. There are pros and cons to it for sure.

 

Your online dating experience is different than mine, or the OP's. I get that you were trying to inject positivity about online dating here and your effort is noted.

 

I just think that offline dating shouldn't be discounted. After all, it's why the human species still exists.

 

And most thread discussions around online dating tend to have mixed views with a lot of negative views about it, based on people's negative experiences with it. But if it works for you, then good on you. Online dating doesn't work for me.

 

I refuse to invest my time emailing back and forth with anyone online (I've been burned quite enough having tried that already), before I've met them in person for a date. To do that is backwards. Trust should be earned. Personal information should be revealed only after trust is established. I'd rather have my personal information come up naturally in a conversation, than have to share my personal life with a complete stranger before I meet him as a way to entice that person to like me, which is what online dating profiles are meant to do. It's awkward and unnatural for me. A lot of people are fine with that but it's just not for me anymore.

Edited December 30, 2014 by writergal

[mysteryscape]

Personally, I think the ONLY advantage of OLD is it allows people to connect who wouldn't otherwise. Everything else about it is far inferior, imho. If normal human interactions hadn't become so fractured, OLD wouldn't stand a chance. I know few people who have continued to use it. Either they try it and give up, or they never bothered with it at all. Some continuing users I know are post-college young people who use it to try to hook up or otherwise foster their love lives. The results are pretty sad.

 

I think a person could do a lot better going to bars. Trouble is, not everyone wants to do this, especially as they get older.

[Detectingfreak]

Just use porn. Ive switched to porn fully because my ex abused me and made it so im super scared to even make moves beyond making out with other woman. Woman want guys who can make moves. Trenton if your like me and cant make moves just switch to porn. youll be a lot happier and satisfied. Plus you dont have to worry about the woman saying no. That was my biggest fear after my ex was the word no. We wernt alloud to say no in our relationship so i didnt even knew it existed.

 

Im not trolling. This actually happened to me. Im 25 and just got out of my first two year relationship a year ago. My ex took advantage of the fact that it was my first relationship so she conditioned me and ruined me for other women. Went to counseling half the year and gaining independence finally.

 

Trenton wait a year before getting back to dating.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Detectingfreak

[elaine567]

Just use porn. Ive switched to porn fully because my ex abused me and made it so im super scared to even make moves beyond making out with other woman. Woman want guys who can make moves. Trenton if your like me and cant make moves just switch to porn. youll be a lot happier and satisfied. Plus you dont have to worry about the woman saying no. That was my biggest fear after my ex was the word no. We wernt alloud to say no in our relationship so i didnt even knew it existed.

 

Im not trolling. This actually happened to me. Im 25 and just got out of my first two year relationship a year ago. My ex took advantage of the fact that it was my first relationship so she conditioned me and ruined me for other women. Went to counseling half the year and gaining independence finally.

 

Trenton wait a year before getting back to dating.

 

OK, you have been hurt and are using porn, but where do you see yourself at 35, 45, 55, 65, 75? Are you going to be single for life?

[missliss908]

Online dating started to work for me once I stopped constantly blaming the 'weirdos' online and stepped back to see why I kept falling into the same traps.

 

 

I'm just starting to do this too. Why did I keep dating "weirdos"? I was blaming everyone else for a while until I took a step back. I realized that I was the common denominator in the situation and was saying yes to everyone who asked for my number/a date.

[Eighty_nine]

I think the odds of meeting people you're not compatible with via OLD are pretty much the same as meeting people you're not compatible with IRL. The difference is you can often figure that out without having to go on an official 'date' with them.

 

I started OLD back in January. Met 11 people from Jan-Oct.

Of those 11: I only liked 3. Of those 3, only 2 returned my interest. Of those 2, I only had any sustainable chemistry with 1... my current boyfriend, who I've been dating 2.5 months.

 

I'm just saying, it's tough out there, but not impossible.

[Trenton100]

Because people aren't very self aware and don't like to see that maybe they're the problem, lol. It's easier to blame the world.

 

 

Negative. Self awareness has nothing to do with it.

 

 

No, you don't. You even started a thread here about being embarrassed to ask a pretty simple "dating how-to" question.

 

You're flailing and frustrated. There's nothing confident about that.

 

 

If I keep beating a dead horse, I'm not going to be happy about it, am I?

 

 

Frustration and self confidence have nothing to do with each other in this case. I can be frustrated all I want. Just because I asked questions about something, doesn't mean I don't have confidence. You did see the list, right? I would think seven different dates suggests otherwise.

[Trenton100]

The trick is to NOT spend days, weeks, months chatting before you meet.

 

 

But that's exactly how 99% of people do it.

[Philosopher]

I've been doing online dating for a while now and have generally found that the dates go one of four ways:

 

For 50% of dates, there is absolutely no chemistry or it obvious that we have little in common and the date ends after one drink and we don't hear back from each other except for maybe one or two texts.

 

On 10% of dates, I will find the girl I dated somewhat interesting and attractive, however it is obvious that the attraction was not mutual. Again there is little texting afterwards and no attempt to set up a subsequent date.

 

For 20% of dates, the date appears to go well, with me seeing signs that they are keen to continue dating. However after an hour or so they will usually make some excuse to end the date. Despite me knowing that the flirting was probably just them being friendly and the excuse to leave was probably a sign that they are not that interested, I will be emboldened by the apparent success of the date and suggest meeting up again. This is usually met by either a "sorry there was no spark" text reply, some vague promise of a second date that never materialises or in some cases no response at all.

 

Finally for the last 20% of dates, the first date goes well and it is obvious that we both liked each other and we end up meeting for a subsequent date. However after a few dates it either becomes apparent that we have little in common and the dates fizzle out or the girl decides to call it off for some reason that is never usually revealed.

 

Like many others I suspect that these dating failures are due to me lacking the know-how to work out whom I will truly get on well with from their profile. Despite all of this I stick with Online dating just because it is relatively easy to meet girls and set up dates, at least compared to other methods. In fact I am checking my dating profile right now.

[Trenton100]

You didn't offend me. I am 43 and have dated offline for most of my life, until 5 years ago when I first tried online dating. For you youngun's, who grew up with technology (unlike my generation who grew up with sci-fi versions of the iPhone and tablets and computers visible in tv shows like Buck Rogers and Battlestar Galactica), of course online dating makes sense to you. You'd rather text your friend who is standing 3 feet away from you, than talk to that person. I've seen this happen, by the way. It's scary! Technology has changed the way people interact and communicate with each other. There are pros and cons to it for sure.

 

Your online dating experience is different than mine, or the OP's. I get that you were trying to inject positivity about online dating here and your effort is noted.

 

I just think that offline dating shouldn't be discounted. After all, it's why the human species still exists.

 

And most thread discussions around online dating tend to have mixed views with a lot of negative views about it, based on people's negative experiences with it. But if it works for you, then good on you. Online dating doesn't work for me.

 

I refuse to invest my time emailing back and forth with anyone online (I've been burned quite enough having tried that already), before I've met them in person for a date. To do that is backwards. Trust should be earned. Personal information should be revealed only after trust is established. I'd rather have my personal information come up naturally in a conversation, than have to share my personal life with a complete stranger before I meet him as a way to entice that person to like me, which is what online dating profiles are meant to do. It's awkward and unnatural for me. A lot of people are fine with that but it's just not for me anymore.

 

Exactly.

 

 

There was this one girl who actually contacted me first. She was gorgeous. Within TWO hours she was asking me if I wanted more kids. Called me sweetheart, told me she wanted to run her hand through my hair, I needed a patio partner, a cuddle bear and had me promise I wasn't married or seeing anyone else.

 

 

The next day she texts me asking if I was the type of man to stand up for his girl. Friended me on FB. I mean it wasn't even 24 hours yet.

 

 

I sent some texts telling her about myself. I asked her if she wanted to meet up for coffee. I figure maybe she's just the affectionate type and what the hell, she only lived 5 miles away. No answer.

 

 

Sent another text 4 hours later asking her if she is even for real. No answer.

 

 

Sent one last one asking when she wants to meet up. I'm then told I was being pushy.

 

 

DONE. Really. It's like what's a guy to do with this kind of crap? And so your point enters: Another 24 hours wasted on not knowing what in God's name is going on. I never met her. But I sure as hell know if I did without OLD, nobody would have thought pushy or aggressive because the initial "let's text ad nauseam" would have never happened.

[TabbyHearts]

Exactly.

 

 

There was this one girl who actually contacted me first. She was gorgeous. Within TWO hours she was asking me if I wanted more kids. Called me sweetheart, told me she wanted to run her hand through my hair, I needed a patio partner, a cuddle bear and had me promise I wasn't married or seeing anyone else.

 

 

The next day she texts me asking if I was the type of man to stand up for his girl. Friended me on FB. I mean it wasn't even 24 hours yet.

 

 

I sent some texts telling her about myself. I asked her if she wanted to meet up for coffee. I figure maybe she's just the affectionate type and what the hell, she only lived 5 miles away. No answer.

 

 

Sent another text 4 hours later asking her if she is even for real. No answer.

 

 

Sent one last one asking when she wants to meet up. I'm then told I was being pushy.

 

 

DONE. Really. It's like what's a guy to do with this kind of crap? And so your point enters: Another 24 hours wasted on not knowing what in God's name is going on. I never met her. But I sure as hell know if I did without OLD, nobody would have thought pushy or aggressive because the initial "let's text ad nauseam" would have never happened.

 

You gotta remember about online dating that you have to weed through a lot of people who never intend to meet up. Some first and foremost aren't even for real, like you suspected with this woman. Some literally are just looking or are curious but not serious or just want an ego boost, some seem to just want to chat to someone.

 

There are plenty of people online that have no intention of actually dating offline or chicken out. I've been there and done that, I am a person who currently IS looking to actually meet IRL and start a relationship, but in all honesty there have been times in the past when I had no right to be online dating.

 

You'd like to think that everyone on a dating site is in a space in their mind where they want to meet someone special, or else why do it? It absolutely takes patience to deal with the time-wasters. Every time you speak to someone online, assume they are a time-waster. You did right to push to meet up, because you found out fast that she wasn't serious.

[aggie382]

Negative. Self awareness has nothing to do with it.

 

 

 

 

 

If I keep beating a dead horse, I'm not going to be happy about it, am I?

 

 

Frustration and self confidence have nothing to do with each other in this case. I can be frustrated all I want. Just because I asked questions about something, doesn't mean I don't have confidence. You did see the list, right? I would think seven different dates suggests otherwise.

 

Seven dates doesn't mean you have confidence. Seven dates means you went out on seven dates.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

There is no dating service in the world that can create chemistry over the Internet. No matching algorithm can predict if two people will like each other, much less fall in love. But I don't think that's what online dating is supposed to do. I think it's just a means of meeting more people that you wouldn't meet otherwise.

 

All of my first dates from the Internet were exactly the same as my dates from "reality". We met, talked, determined if we had chemistry, and usually had a good time in the process. If it didn't work out we didn't call each other again. It's that simple.

 

I think people get too wound up about all the unwritten rules and melodramatic accidents that happen from online dating. Those same things (wo/man misunderstands wo/man, drama ensues) have happened one way or another for hundreds of years. It's just that now it happens a lot more often because people have the opportunity to date more.

Edited December 30, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[TouchedByViolet]

I personally haven't seen any more or less games using OLD. I rarely get responses back from the ladies I email using OLD so that is my primary frustration.

 

Once you start the dating process it's just a matter of feeling them out and having good bu!!**** radar.

[elaine567]

Seems to me if you went to a party where everyone was single you may easily speak to and spend time with 7 potential mates, a few you may dismiss within minutes, some you may not even want to speak to, some will not be interested in what you have to say, some may be friendly, some will be reserved and some will be nuts. So you go home with no-one, BUT you do not then say I am never going to parties anymore as I meet no-one compatible, because that would be ridiculous. I spoke to 7 people and I didn't like any of them or they didn't like me, so no more going to parties...

 

I know OLD Dates are a bit more complicated than meeting someone at parties, but 7 people are still 7 people, meeting only 7 people is it any wonder there was no-one compatible? I know it is picking people from thousands, but how many of those thousands are truly available, how many get fltered out right away?

I think to find this perfect match, "the one", too many dismiss people on things that do not matter IRL, they filter out perfectly good people on whims.

To give up on dating and OLD because of a few bad dates is nonsense, no?

 

I do suggest that spending months texting is a waste of time and spending vast amounts on dates with people you do not really know is a waste of money. Also what seems to be missing is fun and I do not mean sexual fun I mean laughing and joking, everything seems far too serious. To some it sounds more like job interviews than just going out to have a good time and letting it flow.

[MissBee]

Done. Over it. Here has been my experiences up to this point.

 

First girl I met online. One date. It went well. First one since my divorce. Kiss at the end. Told her its been a while since I kissed another girl (obviously) so I hope it was ok. She said yes. Next day we text. I send about two simply describing some of my hobbies and what I liked about her. Simple things. Nothing heavy. She tells me that it was a turn off that I asked if the kiss was ok and told me I lacked confidence. Done.

 

Second girl. Talked for a week. Took her out and she got hammered off of 75 bucks, acted like a jerk and left. My car was parked at her place and I walked back to it myself. She texts me the next day "I guess I was a jerk last night. Oh well. It happens." Done.

 

Third girl. Had a nice dinner. 90 bucks. No chemistry. Not so sour over that one. She was cool. But from what could tell, she dates alot. Done.

 

Fourth girl. Ended up being a four month deal. But for those four months all I heard about was her kids, her kids and nothing but sexting. As soon as I tried sparking some romantic emotion into it, she avoided me. No thanks. Done.

 

Fifth is the exception to online. Met her outside. She was addicted to Adderall, texted at 3am, never appreciated ant gesture of romance and was so vain it drove me nuts. All about the sex though. Done.

 

Sixth girl never saw a date. She called me, had a great 2 hour conversation. Told me she would talk to me tomorrow. Never called. Texted and said she had a court that morning, her dad had to go to the hospital and she left her phone there. Bull. Done.

 

And now this one. The one I actually like. She is so guarded from being treated like crap, I can't get a conversation about us out of her. She likes me. We are attracted to each other. But she's fading and fading fast. Mostly everything is text. We will see each other on Sat but by then it might be too late. Today she did nothing but complain about everything going on in her life. She tells me I'm blind for calling her beautiful and tells me she must be flawed because guys have treated her like crap. I'm half done so far. I'm not texting a single thing tomorrow. Let her come after me now. Screw this game. I'm not playing this validation crap.

 

Damn right my patience is run out. I'm getting to old for this crap. OLD is bye bye. Time to take my chances out in the real world, the way it should be.

 

 

I don't get why you believe these women are this way because you met them online?

 

I have had bad dates on and offline. Crazy people online, rude people online, indecisive people, alcoholics, jerks and all the rest you meet online are people who exist offline as well, it's not like people who OLD are some special people living in their computer, they are people who live in the real world who happen to be online dating. Nothing you're saying is BECAUSE it was online. It just so happens probably that you met more of them in succession whereas offline you probably won't meet that many women in a short span to go out with...but in my own experience the odds of a date not panning out, the person disappearing or it being a bad date are just the same as in real life.

 

Don't be fooled into thinking meeting women at a bar or wherever else will somehow guarantee they won't be awful or just not interested in more. That's the nature of dating in general...lots more loses than wins.

[Detectingfreak]

OK, you have been hurt and are using porn, but where do you see yourself at 35, 45, 55, 65, 75? Are you going to be single for life?

 

Single for life because no one wants damaged goods. I can't have kids either and that was also a deal breaker for my ex. PM me if you want to talk more in depth. I don't want to hijack this thread.

[missliss908]

I personally think you need to take a step back and take a break from OLD/dating in general for a while. You come across as frustrated and unhappy. Spend some time getting to know yourself better and do things you enjoy to make yourself feel better. Good things will come to you when you're happy and well. I know you probably tire of hearing this but it's absolutely true.

 

I'm sorry you haven't had good experiences and spoke to flaky girls, but in the grand scheme of things, it only took up a small part of your life. I understand your frustration. I got off of OLD for a while because I was so sick of the BS (am planning to start again after New Year's, with a new approach) but it's worth noting that the last date I went on was super awkward and uncomfortable and it was with a guy I met offline. Crazies and incompatible people exist in the real world too.

[spanishchick00]

I agree! OLD is a waste of time. Plus, you're a guy-which means the majority of your first dates-you probably have to pay, and your wasting your money. A bunch of flakes. I've met my share of bad experiences on OLD. I made plenty of complaints about OLD on this forum, so I feel your pain.

[WonderKid]

It's like people lost the fine art of simple communication. No one wants to talk face-to-face they'd rather text, email, snapchat all damn day. You can't even get points across on the internet. And there's so much room for misunderstandings. Don't spend weeks chatting. Ask to meet up sooner.

 

There's guys on there that are completely perverts or sneaky players. And there are girls on there looking for a ghost and with unreal expectations.

 

When all else fails, there's still Craigslist.

[BluEyeL]

I did OLD on and off for 18 months. I lost count of how many people I met. Maybe 20. I also went to meetup, and first time I did, someone asked me out and we were together 3 months, but he wasn't LTR material, I should have known.

 

Finally, after the 18 months, when I was about to give up, I met my BF of 6 months on match, and I couldn't be happier. Not sure this will be forever, and I do hate OLD but if you're persistent and patient, you can find a relationship from there. I'm glad that I didn't give up. It was rough. I had to use meditation techniques to cope with the anxiety induced by the dating crap. I'm so happy now, so I think the pain was worth it. I'm also 43.

[WonderKid]

OLDing is what you make of it. You cannot just assume success. There's a lot of factors to behold. But it's not a terrible thing either. Because there are actually legit people on there looking to date and get serious.

[kolleamm]

I hardly think OLD is a waste of time. Here's how I see it. In real life I interact with maybe a handful of beautiful women throughout the weeks and usually have no success due to the limited variety I'm presented with. In OLD I get rejected left and right on a daily basis but ever so often one interaction does eventually turn into a date.

 

Have I gotten better results with OLD than real life?

 

Yes.

 

And I do agree with what some of the others have said, maybe it's not them that's the problem, maybe it's you. Minor fix though.

[WonderKid]

XD what about the profiles that say "Just ask" on it lmao

[GravityMan]

OP (and others who feel similarly to him), it makes no sense to attack or blame OLD for your experiences. If you had met all those women at Barnes & Noble, they'd still be the same hot messes. Are you going to condemn all bookstores?

 

Flaky people are flaky. Crazy people are crazy.

 

It's reasonable to bash OLD sites if they have crappy matching options or algorithms, or if the site has a poor UI/UX and is hard to navigate, or if the privacy options suck. But not this. There are things that OLD simply cannot account for (and some people lie). OLD has benefits and drawbacks, just like meeting someone IRL. It's not for everyone. Most wise people who use dating sites use them as supplementary options, while getting out of the house and interacting with people (friends, activities, social events, etc.) is their primary.

 

I agree with missliss908...take a break for a little while. Maybe take a nice trip somewhere (if possible) or join a group that caters to a hobby of yours. When you get stressed, it's usually because you're too emotionally invested, your expectations are too high and you're on the brink of burnout. It can also mean that you're trying and/or thinking too hard. All of those things are signs that you need to take a step back.