OLD is just a sick game and Im done with it [update]

[Trenton100]

So if you have the same experiences in "real life", are you going to quit dating there too?

 

Because, that I know of, almost no one ever gets it right the first time and that applies to all dating. I'd have been ridiculously surprised if after getting divorced, the first woman you dated was your "soulmate".

 

It's all a learning process and definitely trial and error. I know you posted in another thread about how football girl is a downer... but man, you should read your threads/posts from the last week because when it comes to dating, you are just as much a downer.

 

Take a step back and come into it with a positive attitude and confidence or don't at all.

 

 

Yeah well if you ever dealt with what I have you would be downer too, buddy. I don't want to hear about confidence. I have that in spades. Thanks.

[Rommex]

I had to meet over 50 apparently compatible women to find a few I wanted to continue dating. You can't expect great results quickly - unless you get very lucky. After all, most people you meet aren't really compatible, so it takes time and many dates to find one who is.

 

It'll take a lot of guys 10 or even 20 or more years to line up 50 dates.

[Danda]

It's all relative. I've spent a grand on a date several times in NY and Miami.

 

Depends where you are. Midwest? A lot more reasonable.

 

Hopefully nowhere in the U.S. are two cups of coffee $75 lol. I do know prices are generally lower//higher in some areas than others, but I don't think guys should be buying a bunch of drinks and dinner for a woman on a first date. I think if they get into more serious dating with a woman then they can pamper her a bit from time to time if they'd like, but dropping big bucks over and over again for two hours of wtfishappeningrightnow would demoralize anyone.

[Detectingfreak]

Hopefully nowhere in the U.S. are two cups of coffee $75 lol. I do know prices are generally lower//higher in some areas than others, but I don't think guys should be buying a bunch of drinks and dinner for a woman on a first date. I think if they get into more serious dating with a woman then they can pamper her a bit from time to time if they'd like, but dropping big bucks over and over again for two hours of wtfishappeningrightnow would demoralize anyone.

 

In 2014 your expected to pay for their meal. Its how f'd up this soceity has become. Im done with dating period. Woman are money wasters!!!

[Rommex]

In 2014 your expected to pay for their meal. Its how f'd up this soceity has become. Im done with dating period. Woman are money wasters!!!

 

Not always. A few times I've tried to pay and she had the nerve to find it offensive.

[Detectingfreak]

B-b-b-b-but none of those people, apart (maybe) from the hardcore Christian (not liking weed is hardly an offence and I know little else about her), could be seen in a million years as being normal women.

A few phone calls with each over about a week, would have sorted all that incompatiblity out for you, and you wouldn't have had to spend a penny on meals and drink.

 

In washington state, tons of woman smoke weed. Its just finding the right one who doesnt want to go overboard everyday. You must live a sheltered life if you dont think woman smoke weed cuz a lot of them do. If they dont have a job then they all do. 90% of woman who i have met through friends stay home all day, smoke weed and their boyfriends work.

[elaine567]

In washington state, tons of woman smoke weed. Its just finding the right one who doesnt want to go overboard everyday. You must live a sheltered life if you dont think woman smoke weed cuz a lot of them do. If they dont have a job then they all do. 90% of woman who i have met through friends stay home all day, smoke weed and their boyfriends work.

I know lots of folk smoke weed but a person who doesn't lke weed seems to be a deal breaker for you. I cannot judge whether she is "normal" based solely on the fact she doesn't like weed, can I?

Many "normal" people will not like weed.

[okc85]

I've used okcupid. for years, met dozens of people, nothing ever amounted.

 

I used match.com TWICE, and that's where I met actual long term partners.

 

Match had people 'more my style.' Okcupid is more trendy and young and hip. I'm just a person (30 years old) who wants a relatively simple life, and a long term relationship, and match.com turned out better for me. So, it might help to use a paid site, or just use a few different sites.

 

First, all the angry people need to stop being so damn angry. Do you know that your anger radiates? We humans give off vibes all the time. If you're going into dates (whether they are someone from okcupid or a girl from a club) with a crap attitude, you're subconsciously sabotaging yourself.

 

If you want to quit OLD, go ahead. But the comments here have been just plain ridiculous.

 

First of all, it's 2015. People do not 'get out' the way they used to. Our sense of community is gone. Once you hit 30, your chances for meeting someone IRL start to dwindle. I don't know many other single people in my social circle.

 

So what exactly is wrong with using online dating, where I can see so many fellow single people? We found a place to meet.

 

Here are some hints.

 

Try to meet someone who hasn't used the site very long. Do not date a 'serial user' (The people who make Okcupid their whole life are the ppl to avoid.)

 

DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Why should you, anyway? you're meeting someone for coffee. Have a coffee and a chat. Spend 3 bucks, then part ways. Text if you'd like to meet again. That's it, don't envision this person as your nexy gf/bf, maybe it'll happen, but why rush the process?

 

It happens when it's meant to happen.

 

I know online dating is not the way we are 'meant to date' but technically we are also not 'meant' to use computers, or phones, or any of the other stuff we do in a modern life. We just have to 'evolve' and learn how to use these things to our advantage.

 

Plus, bad dates give you GREAT stories. Lighten up and have some fun with it. Write some fun stories about your terrible dates! Someday, you can share them with your partner. (Who might be from OLD........or the supermarket.)

[idoltree]

Done. Over it. Here has been my experiences up to this point.

 

First girl I met online. One date. It went well. First one since my divorce. Kiss at the end. Told her its been a while since I kissed another girl (obviously) so I hope it was ok. She said yes. Next day we text. I send about two simply describing some of my hobbies and what I liked about her. Simple things. Nothing heavy. She tells me that it was a turn off that I asked if the kiss was ok and told me I lacked confidence. Done.

 

Second girl. Talked for a week. Took her out and she got hammered off of 75 bucks, acted like a jerk and left. My car was parked at her place and I walked back to it myself. She texts me the next day "I guess I was a jerk last night. Oh well. It happens." Done.

 

Third girl. Had a nice dinner. 90 bucks. No chemistry. Not so sour over that one. She was cool. But from what could tell, she dates alot. Done.

 

Fourth girl. Ended up being a four month deal. But for those four months all I heard about was her kids, her kids and nothing but sexting. As soon as I tried sparking some romantic emotion into it, she avoided me. No thanks. Done.

 

Fifth is the exception to online. Met her outside. She was addicted to Adderall, texted at 3am, never appreciated ant gesture of romance and was so vain it drove me nuts. All about the sex though. Done.

 

Sixth girl never saw a date. She called me, had a great 2 hour conversation. Told me she would talk to me tomorrow. Never called. Texted and said she had a court that morning, her dad had to go to the hospital and she left her phone there. Bull. Done.

 

Trenton, we talked about this. Do not make first dates from online dating expensive. It is not like a first date where you've already met the person and know there is attraction in chemistry. It's a first meeting. Take them to coffee. If you like one another, then ask them to dinner for the next date. In fact, start referring to them as "first meetings" instead of "first dates" so that you finally grasp the difference and understand that you have been sabotaging yourself; these women haven't sabotaged you because they don't owe you anything.

 

I'm really not a fan of the attitude "I did all this for her and got nothing."

 

First, rejection is not just a thing that males experience. Women also experience the fade, the guy who seems into you and never calls, or the guy where you have a sinking feeling that sleeping with him was a bad idea. That last one is similar to how you feel used for having paid for expensive first dates with no results. Who do we have to blame for sleeping with a guy early on? Ourselves. So, shall we get mad at the entirety of mankind or the method we used to meet these men? Or shall we be rational and understand that people of all genders can be flaky, but that we only need to meet one person for the experience to be worth it? And, in the meantime, we might be smarter about having sex/spending money with people we've just met, and we may get some funny date stories to tell our friends.

 

Second, don't take dating so seriously or you will get burned out quickly. That is what has happened to you. You are coming out of a divorce and had high expectations for what dating was going to be like. Well, welcome to the reality of it. People who are married and don't want to be think being single is awesome. People who are single and don't want to be think being married is awesome. The reality is that you do the best you can and try not to freak out about disappointing things, because what else are you gonna do?

 

Third, the men who have responded to this thread with similar complaints all have something in common: a belief that because a list of smiling pretty women with pictures appear on their screen, that it is a virtual candy store and they should be able to pick out the purty ones and get results. That is false and an entitled attitude that isn't going to pan out. Each of those women are human beings with individual preferences, and you may not fall under their preferences. Sometimes they don't know this until they meet you in person and chemistry is lacking. This happens to women, too.

 

And now this one. The one I actually like. She is so guarded from being treated like crap, I can't get a conversation about us out of her. She likes me. We are attracted to each other. But she's fading and fading fast. Mostly everything is text. We will see each other on Sat but by then it might be too late. Today she did nothing but complain about everything going on in her life. She tells me I'm blind for calling her beautiful and tells me she must be flawed because guys have treated her like crap. I'm half done so far. I'm not texting a single thing tomorrow. Let her come after me now. Screw this game. I'm not playing this validation crap.

This gal is a hot mess. The red flags are a'waving with this one and you want to blame the method you met her for selecting a woman who is insecure and troubled. You were attracted her for some reason, so we could also blame you. No? Okay then. Perhaps who you are attracted to is the problem.

 

My male divorced friends and exes all seemed to go through what I call a "post-divorce flailing about" period, where they f*ck anything that moves and their preferences in women are still filtered through their emotional pain. It feels so good to be desired again that they can't see that the woman in front of them is a bit off of her rocker, because, well, sex and novelty. You are in this period and need to accept that the problem may not be OLD, it may be the women that YOU are selecting for YOURSELF.

 

Damn right my patience is run out. I'm getting to old for this crap. OLD is bye bye. Time to take my chances out in the real world, the way it should be.

A sincere good luck to you. Times are a'changin. People are busier than ever, or are staring at their smartphones and wearing headphones when out in public, women are more afraid or cynical of being approached by strange men. It's best you lower your expectations for that method as well, unless you're in college and are surrounded by new friends and new possibilities. Otherwise it's going to be pretty tough.

[writergal]

I feel your pain Trenton100, as a victim of online dating as*holes myself. I deleted my OLD profile recently and will absolutely never return to that platform for meeting single men. If I have to limit myself to Meetups and social networking like the days of yore (my college days especially) then I'd rather take my chances doing it that way.

 

It really sucks that online dating has become the "norm" for the way humans socialize and date. I mean, it's just not normal. Online dating turns people into profile products to be chosen, tried out, and returned, because satisfaction is not guaranteed. Hell, why aren't there warrantee's with online dates? You pay a monthly fee, you might as well be promised your money's worth. But that's not possible with all the scammers online.

 

As Loveshack is my witness, I will never do online dating again.

[mysteryscape]

This thread is just so cynical about OLD it's painful for me even to read! sick:

[okc85]

This thread is just so cynical about OLD it's painful for me even to read! sick:

 

 

Because people aren't very self aware and don't like to see that maybe they're the problem, lol. It's easier to blame the world.

[mysteryscape]

Because people aren't very self aware and don't like to see that maybe they're the problem, lol. It's easier to blame the world.

 

Your own post tries to be positive, but it also points out much of what sucks about OLD. You even say we aren't "meant" to use OLD and then you compare to using computers, phone etc. But "dating" or what used to be called courtship or romance or whatever is so elemental that it is very hard to get over its unnaturalness. It will have effects on us, healthy or not, whether we want it to or not. Even if it's like a flood that can't be resisted, it may be a disaster nonetheless.

 

Personally, I am still very much getting used to it. I don't know if I will ever feel natural or at ease with it. I only started it out of frustration with real life as a far from young man. I am not sure that it is any better though, or even tolerable. Jury is out. Certainly the results so far have been worth far less than the effort and angst.

[aggie382]

Yeah well if you ever dealt with what I have you would be downer too, buddy. I don't want to hear about confidence. I have that in spades. Thanks.

 

No, you don't. You even started a thread here about being embarrassed to ask a pretty simple "dating how-to" question.

 

You're flailing and frustrated. There's nothing confident about that.

[BlueIris]

....

Here are some hints.

 

Try to meet someone who hasn't used the site very long. Do not date a 'serial user' (The people who make Okcupid their whole life are the ppl to avoid.)

 

DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Why should you, anyway? you're meeting someone for coffee. Have a coffee and a chat. Spend 3 bucks, then part ways. Text if you'd like to meet again. That's it, don't envision this person as your nexy gf/bf, maybe it'll happen, but why rush the process?

 

It happens when it's meant to happen.

 

I know online dating is not the way we are 'meant to date' but technically we are also not 'meant' to use computers, or phones, or any of the other stuff we do in a modern life. We just have to 'evolve' and learn how to use these things to our advantage.

 

Plus, bad dates give you GREAT stories. Lighten up and have some fun with it. Write some fun stories about your terrible dates! Someday, you can share them with your partner. (Who might be from OLD........or the supermarket.)

 

I think this is really good advice, especially the bolded.

 

We're bound to become frustrated if we expect strangers to be something we want them to be.

[writergal]

Because people aren't very self aware and don't like to see that maybe they're the problem, lol. It's easier to blame the world.

 

You're kidding, right? Talk about uniformed opinion. Geesh!

 

People who don't like to online date -- who've had horrible experiences -- in your opinion aren't self aware? Au contraire!

 

Online dating is a choice, a preference. It has NOTHING to do with a lack of self awareness. If anything, people who do online dating are self aware. That's complete nonsense my friend. It's nonsense to blame someone for having a bad experience with someone they met online. It's nonsense to say that online dating isn't the problem when in fact, it is. There are so many problems with online dating as a dating platform, where do I even begin?

 

Most if not all people who use online dating misrepresent themselves and lie on their online profiles. There is no guarantee that the person you're emailing is who they say they are. You have no one to verify that person's identity like you would if you were setup through a friend or family member.

 

Some people refuse to meet you in person. They just want a digital pen-pal with no strings attached. Or they talk to you on the phone for hours yet when it comes to meeting you, they suddenly disappear never to be heard from again.

 

There's a lot of married people posing as single people who use online dating websites.

 

Online dating turns people into products. When you go online, you sift through profile photos and content like you're looking through a Sears catalog.

 

There's a lot of fake profiles online; some of which are closed profiles or "ghost" profiles that the online dating websites use as lures to reel you in to thinking you have more people to choose from than you actually do in reality. And some of those fake profiles are crooks who look to dupe people out of their money, some have succeeded.

 

Offline dating is safer, period.

 

You meet the person face to face first, then you get to know them. You don't waste hours, days or weeks emailing, texting, or calling first before you meet in person. Therefore, it's easier to determine chemistry right off the bat.

 

You may have friends / family / coworkers in common, which makes you feel more comfortable and provides you with people who can verify that person's identity and background for you. No guesswork involved.

 

You can easily date in groups of people through mutual friends which takes the pressure off.

 

Online dating is all about marketing: marketing lies through deception. Very rarely do people meet, date, and marry using online dating. It's very rare that it works out for people who use it.

 

Frankly, I think you must be very young if you think people who dislike online dating aren't self aware. So, in a sense, you lack self awareness because your opinion couldn't be farther from the truth.

[okc85]

Your own post tries to be positive, but it also points out much of what sucks about OLD. You even say we aren't "meant" to use OLD and then you compare to using computers, phone etc. But "dating" or what used to be called courtship or romance or whatever is so elemental that it is very hard to get over its unnaturalness. It will have effects on us, healthy or not, whether we want it to or not. Even if it's like a flood that can't be resisted, it may be a disaster nonetheless.

 

Personally, I am still very much getting used to it. I don't know if I will ever feel natural or at ease with it. I only started it out of frustration with real life as a far from young man. I am not sure that it is any better though, or even tolerable. Jury is out. Certainly the results so far have been worth far less than the effort and angst.

 

 

As much as we might dislike the changing dating landscape, there just isn't much we can do about it.

 

It's like people who didn't want to start using cars, they felt horses were just fine. Or people who didn't get cell phones. Things just change, we have to deal with it, find some way to navigate a changing world, or we will just never be happy.

 

You can learn ways to use online dating to your advantage. I am certain of that. And it does not have to be the only way you attempt to meet a partner. Meetups start online but the purpose is to get off the internet and build 'real life' interactions. Join a meetup. Join an adult sports team. Do online dating, etc.

 

I just try to be positive because I think that is the only way to survive in the dating world. Also, online dating gives you a chance to 'practice' dating, so when you DO meet the right person, the date will flow better because you've got some practice under your belt.

[okc85]

I just think people are not very self aware in general. Including myself at times. Online dating started to work for me once I stopped constantly blaming the 'weirdos' online and stepped back to see why I kept falling into the same traps.

 

But yes it is a preference. No one has to do online dating. Plenty of other ways to meet people.

[writergal]

As much as we might dislike the changing dating landscape, there just isn't much we can do about it.

 

It's like people who didn't want to start using cars, they felt horses were just fine. Or people who didn't get cell phones. Things just change, we have to deal with it, find some way to navigate a changing world, or we will just never be happy.

 

You can learn ways to use online dating to your advantage. I am certain of that. And it does not have to be the only way you attempt to meet a partner. Meetups start online but the purpose is to get off the internet and build 'real life' interactions. Join a meetup. Join an adult sports team. Do online dating, etc.

 

I just try to be positive because I think that is the only way to survive in the dating world. Also, online dating gives you a chance to 'practice' dating, so when you DO meet the right person, the date will flow better because you've got some practice under your belt.

 

Oh but there is something you can do. You can refuse to use online dating, and many people do. None of my family members and 98% of my friends met their spouses the old fashioned way, and not via online dating.

 

Online dating is a waste of time in my opinion. Meetup is different than online dating because the groups meet in person so you have that instant face to face contact and interaction to determine if chemistry is there with someone you may be attracted to.

 

Online dating does not give you a chance to practice dating. Oh dear god. All online dating does is improve your typing speed. To practice dating you need to actually go out on the dates. Online dating doesn't guarantee you that you will actually go out on dates with people whom you contact.

 

The only way to practice dating is to date offline. To meet people via social networks of friends, family, coworkers, community sports or Meetups and ask people out on dates.

 

If online dating were the only platform left for people to date, the human race would go extinct. Online dating is a terrible idea and I can speak from experience. It reverses the whole dating process and takes nature out of courtship.

[okc85]

anyway, I am not trying to start some flame war. I am not young either, I'm almost 30. I just don't think saying things like 'online dating is a sick game' is productive at all. Yes, online dating has a touch of 'marketing' to it, but that doesn't mean that you can't find great people on there. The trick is to NOT spend days, weeks, months chatting before you meet.

 

Anyway, if someone doesn't like OLD, they don't have to do it. That's all. I don't want to fight about this. I was just trying to put a positive spin on this depressing thread, I didn't mean to offend.

[okc85]

Oh but there is something you can do. You can refuse to use online dating, and many people do. None of my family members and 98% of my friends met their spouses the old fashioned way, and not via online dating.

 

Online dating is a waste of time in my opinion. Meetup is different than online dating because the groups meet in person so you have that instant face to face contact and interaction to determine if chemistry is there with someone you may be attracted to.

 

Online dating does not give you a chance to practice dating. Oh dear god. All online dating does is improve your typing speed. To practice dating you need to actually go out on the dates. Online dating doesn't guarantee you that you will actually go out on dates with people whom you contact.

 

The only way to practice dating is to date offline. To meet people via social networks of friends, family, coworkers, community sports or Meetups and ask people out on dates.

 

If online dating were the only platform left for people to date, the human race would go extinct. Online dating is a terrible idea and I can speak from experience. It reverses the whole dating process and takes nature out of courtship.

 

Uh, I meant when you actually go on DATES from online dating, which I do. I do not spend weeks chatting online. I meet right away, and i've had good experiences.

 

Yes, that IS a way to date. Dude, if you hate online dating so much, then just don't do it. Plenty of people have good luck with it, though, we're all different.

[writergal]

I just think people are not very self aware in general. Including myself at times. Online dating started to work for me once I stopped constantly blaming the 'weirdos' online and stepped back to see why I kept falling into the same traps.

 

But yes it is a preference. No one has to do online dating. Plenty of other ways to meet people.

 

I think you missed my point though about self awareness. You can't possibly predict anything about the stranger you communicate online with whom you contacted via online dating.

 

So, self awareness has nothing to do with online dating. You can't determine who is a weirdo and who isn't before you meet them, short of them making their weirdness blatantly obvious either by the content of their messages or their photos they display on their profile.

 

Self awareness is being aware of what your own feelings and desires are, being are of what your do's and don'ts are with life, your relationships and with dating.

 

To not be self aware, would mean that you are unsure of your own character, your own feelings and your own desires in life. It would mean that you have no boundaries, no standards for what kind of relationships you want, no goals in life to strive for.

 

So I think to say that people who online date lack self awareness is a sweeping generalization. There are levels of self-awareness, for sure. Some people are more confident, more in touch with themselves than others are.

[mysteryscape]

Sorry, try as I might to like it or even just make the best of it, the romantic world looks more and more like an unfolding disaster to me. And I've been around to watch it for a lot longer than most people here. Good grief, I see young people graduating from the college dating life, which is bad enough, and then they go on to Tinder, and then the "real" OLD sites.

 

I do meetup, it is fun, but it is not a substitute for a social life. Neither are hiking clubs or the other physical things I do. (A little old for boxing or UFC).

 

I feel somewhat the pain of the people posting here.

 

I think a lot of the fault is with the OLD sites themselves, they largely make their money by stirring up trouble -- premier example perhaps Tinder, exploiting and exacerbating the hookup culture.

 

Maybe someday someone will figure out how to set up OLD right and still make money off it.

 

That will be the day!

[okc85]

Well, I think it's a sweeping generalization to say that online dating is a sick game, when it has worked just fine for some people.

 

And I do think it's normal as humans to not really step back and examine why we keep falling into the same traps.

 

Why did I keep dating people who would clearly wind up hurting me, who were wildly incompatible? It wasn't online dating's fault. It was my lack of examining the reasons why I was attracted to these people in the first place.

 

No, you're right, you can't always tell if someone is a weirdo by just chatting online (a lot of times you can, but not always) that's why the first meet up should be simple, a coffee or something, so you've really not invested anything in it. And you got a coffee. And possibly a story to tell people. Then you move on. And you're not hurt because you didnt have any expectations, just a coffee and a convo.

 

I just believe in being more positive as I get older (I am almost 30, elderly, really) so once again, I am sorry if I offended. I'm just a fan of online dating for numerous reasons.

[okc85]

Sorry, try as I might to like it or even just make the best of it, the romantic world looks more and more like an unfolding disaster to me. And I've been around to watch it for a lot longer than most people here. Good grief, I see young people graduating from the college dating life, which is bad enough, and then they go on to Tinder, and then the "real" OLD sites.

 

I do meetup, it is fun, but it is not a substitute for a social life. Neither are hiking clubs or the other physical things I do. (A little old for boxing or UFC).

 

I feel somewhat the pain of the people posting here.

 

I think a lot of the fault is with the OLD sites themselves, they largely make their money by stirring up trouble -- premier example perhaps Tinder, exploiting and exacerbating the hookup culture.

 

Maybe someday someone will figure out how to set up OLD right and still make money off it.

 

That will be the day!

 

Haha, well, Tinder is pretty awful, I can't argue with that. But I've had some great experiences with match.com, a paid website. I met a great person. I am SO glad I met her, and I was soo close to just giving up on online dating forever. I'm glad I didn't give up.

 

But please do what works for you. And I really wish you the best of luck.