DancinBallerina Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Hey all, So after having a date with a guy beginning of December, which seems to have run its course, I think (you can read about it here), I decided to try PoF once more. I know . .I know, I really should give it up, but my friend who met her now husband, met him online and keeps encouraging me to keep at it. PoF I know perhaps not being one of the great sites to join but hey ho. Anyway 2 x guys messaged me a few days ago, both not really my cup of tea, but I thought I need to broaden my horizons, in terms of ditching the ideal man ''Tall, Dark, Handsome'' which is nothing more than a fantasy I think and date men I would never go for. I have been nattering with both for a couple of days, and both seem very keen to meet, which is no problem. However out of the 2, one just seems to persistently message, to the point where I feel a bit suffocated? It's no longer banter, more like a forced conversation which makes me think when/if I am to meet this man, will there be anything left to talk about? Not only that I feel like I am being interviewed - I do enough of that in my job, don't need it whilst dating. However the other guy I seem to click with quite well; 3 years older than myself (the persistent questioner is giving me 8 years), seems to get/understand my wit and sense of humour, and doesn't take himself seriously or bombard with me XYZ questions. So my question to you all is this - have any of you faced the persistent questioner? Bombarded with messages to the point where you can't think?? Look forward to hearing from you all PS: Oh, and I don't think I will go on a date with this guy . . it's all a bit too much! Don't quite know how to 'shake' him off politely though..suggestions? Or shall I do the 'fade out' technique? . .
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Persistent questioners fall into 2 categories: the social awkward person who doesn't realize where to draw the line when following the advice to be interested in the other person or the professional (lawyer or journalist) who just does this out of habit. Gently but firmly tell the pest, I mean persistent questioner, that he needs to back off & power down. Give him a bit of a break / the benefit of the doubt until you actually meet. It's tough to maintain witty & charming via e-mail / text. Go to the 1st meeting sooner rather than later & see if he's any better in person. 2
toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 He may just be desperately trying to keep your interest and is a bit awkward about it. He may be a controlling a$$. But it doesn't matter because you don't sound into him anyway. Usually I'm not a fan of the fade, but I think in this situation it might be the only thing you can do. It seems like if you send him an "I don't think we're a match, thanks and good luck" message, he will just try to argue you out of your position.
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Persistent questioners fall into 2 categories: the social awkward person who doesn't realize where to draw the line when following the advice to be interested in the other person or the professional (lawyer or journalist) who just does this out of habit. Gently but firmly tell the pest, I mean persistent questioner, that he needs to back off & power down. Give him a bit of a break / the benefit of the doubt until you actually meet. It's tough to maintain witty & charming via e-mail / text. Go to the 1st meeting sooner rather than later & see if he's any better in person. How do you politely tell someone to back off?? The other guy is the witty/charming one, this one (Mr Questioner), just appears "too full on" which I don't like. I mentioned about wanting to do something new in the NY, and he said "We can do this, that and this"....I wasn't referring to it being a couple thing, purely for myself as what I do isn't enough.
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) He may just be desperately trying to keep your interest and is a bit awkward about it. He may be a controlling a$$. But it doesn't matter because you don't sound into him anyway. Usually I'm not a fan of the fade, but I think in this situation it might be the only thing you can do. It seems like if you send him an "I don't think we're a match, thanks and good luck" message, he will just try to argue you out of your position. I think you've hit the nail on the head! He even messaged me this earlier: "Just moving fish tank"...is random, and serves no substance! :-/ What do I say to that...? Lol I've had the fade out done to me and its not nice. But think in this situation it's necessary as like you said, I think he'll argue it til Kingdom come and not let me breathe... Edited December 30, 2014 by DancinBallerina
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Anymore thoughts anyone??
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Anymore thoughts anyone?? You've only spoken to him online, you've never met. Just stop responding. PERIOD. You don't owe him anything at all. If you feel the need to say something, simply say "thanks for corresponding, but I don't think we are a match". Done. It's not like you've met him or "known" him. If you had met him, then I'd say you should at least call and say you're no longer interested. Since you haven't, no big deal. 1
Danda Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Haha I have been the "persistent questioner" before, just a female version of it I guess. Back when I was methodically trying to overcome social awkwardness, would basically follow a more deliberate back-and-forth pattern, of ask a question and give my own answer to the question, then wait for them to give their answer, then find something about that answer to ask another question, repeated until they'd stop responding. It wasn't until I found a couple helpful blogs like that rules revisited one and realized that I should ask just one question, and if they don't ask me one back then I need to move on, not ask them 400 more questions LOL.
TB Rhine Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I think part of this whole "breaking out of your old routine" business should involve questioning the things that make you feel "suffocated" and really evaluating what it is that's making you want to check out of those relationships. People (especially women) really need to abandon the "ewww... he actually LIKES me... what a LOSER" mentality if they expect to ever have a relationship with someone other than an aloof a***ole. Ask yourself just what it is about a guy actually being enthusiastic about the prospect of pursuing a relationship with you that you find so repellant.
Danda Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I think part of this whole "breaking out of your old routine" business should involve questioning the things that make you feel "suffocated" and really evaluating what it is that's making you want to check out of those relationships. People (especially women) really need to abandon the "ewww... he actually LIKES me... what a LOSER" mentality if they expect to ever have a relationship with someone other than an aloof a***ole. Ask yourself just what it is about a guy actually being enthusiastic about the prospect of pursuing a relationship with you that you find so repellant. Not sure that is her specific issue, I got the impression that they just need to set up a date already instead of sending 50 messages a day but no request for an actual date, I could be wrong, though. But I do know what you mean, I think, as far as the whole self-sabotage low-self-esteem thing. Makes me figure it must happen at least once in a while, where a guy is terrified to approach a woman because he's convinced no woman will want him and he'll just get rejected, finally does, and the gal is so convinced that a man couldn't possibly really be into her that she rejects him. Lol humans.
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Not sure that is her specific issue, I got the impression that they just need to set up a date already instead of sending 50 messages a day but no request for an actual date, I could be wrong, though. But I do know what you mean, I think, as far as the whole self-sabotage low-self-esteem thing. Makes me figure it must happen at least once in a while, where a guy is terrified to approach a woman because he's convinced no woman will want him and he'll just get rejected, finally does, and the gal is so convinced that a man couldn't possibly really be into her that she rejects him. Lol humans. She said she really isn't into going out with him in the end. But I agree, she really has nothing to lose by setting up a meeting with him. It wouldn't be a date per se, just a nice cup of coffee, etc. just to see what he's like in person and then decide. I personally think that's the way it should go with any OLD guy who doesn't really turn you off by being rude, insulting, sexual, etc. Why weed out potential dates by their online "technique".
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 How do you politely tell someone to back off?? The other guy is the witty/charming one, this one (Mr Questioner), just appears "too full on" which I don't like. I mentioned about wanting to do something new in the NY, and he said "We can do this, that and this"....I wasn't referring to it being a couple thing, purely for myself as what I do isn't enough. I'd say something along the lines of I'm so flattered that you are taking the time to ask me all these Qs but I'm sorry to say it feels a bit overwhelming. While I want to get to know you too I don't appreciate being "interviewed". Can we get together for coffee on XYZ date at place? Hopefully when we meet the e-mails can taper off without anyone appearing rude.
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 You've only spoken to him online, you've never met. Just stop responding. PERIOD. You don't owe him anything at all. If you feel the need to say something, simply say "thanks for corresponding, but I don't think we are a match". Done. It's not like you've met him or "known" him. If you had met him, then I'd say you should at least call and say you're no longer interested. Since you haven't, no big deal. I ignored . . . and then he persisted to send 5 more messages literally having a conversation with himself, but getting slightly angry at me for not responding! So I have blocked his number from my phone and Whatsapp. I feel bad, but like you said I owe him nothing, and I feel if I had gone on a date with him, he would have become possessive.
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Haha I have been the "persistent questioner" before, just a female version of it I guess. Back when I was methodically trying to overcome social awkwardness, would basically follow a more deliberate back-and-forth pattern, of ask a question and give my own answer to the question, then wait for them to give their answer, then find something about that answer to ask another question, repeated until they'd stop responding. It wasn't until I found a couple helpful blogs like that rules revisited one and realized that I should ask just one question, and if they don't ask me one back then I need to move on, not ask them 400 more questions LOL. I don't mind Qs . .I really don't, but asking the most ridic. things, i.e. ''What food do you like?'' . .And then jumping from that to ''The inside of my car is frozen'' :confused: - simply too much too soon. I have now blocked him so my phone will be nice and quiet!
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 I think part of this whole "breaking out of your old routine" business should involve questioning the things that make you feel "suffocated" and really evaluating what it is that's making you want to check out of those relationships. People (especially women) really need to abandon the "ewww... he actually LIKES me... what a LOSER" mentality if they expect to ever have a relationship with someone other than an aloof a***ole. Ask yourself just what it is about a guy actually being enthusiastic about the prospect of pursuing a relationship with you that you find so repellant. Ok!? I like enthusiasm..but when it's persistant messaging, chopping and changing the topics to the point where I don't know if I am coming or going, it's too much. And part way through, I just lost interest full stop - the messaging being the cause, but I think it was the whole comment he said ''In the new year we can do something together'' when I meant for myself. Yes, I want a relationship but at the same time, I believe each party in a relationship need their own space; I don't like being smothered.
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Not sure that is her specific issue, I got the impression that they just need to set up a date already instead of sending 50 messages a day but no request for an actual date, I could be wrong, though. But I do know what you mean, I think, as far as the whole self-sabotage low-self-esteem thing. Makes me figure it must happen at least once in a while, where a guy is terrified to approach a woman because he's convinced no woman will want him and he'll just get rejected, finally does, and the gal is so convinced that a man couldn't possibly really be into her that she rejects him. Lol humans. He was pushing for a date Friday, however I haven't been very well, and it was basically dependent on how I felt. But he questioned all-day, non-stop, to the point where I felt suffocated. And also the attraction just went with me losing interest.
TB Rhine Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Take this as an object lesson, guys: BE ALOOF. DO NOT SHOW INTEREST.
Detectingfreak Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 How do you politely tell someone to back off?? The other guy is the witty/charming one, this one (Mr Questioner), just appears "too full on" which I don't like. I mentioned about wanting to do something new in the NY, and he said "We can do this, that and this"....I wasn't referring to it being a couple thing, purely for myself as what I do isn't enough. He sounds like me. I always use the we term and women hate it. That's why I gave up on dating. I can't get a woman interested in me to save my life because of the we term and also being a questioner so I just gave up. lol Its a lot more fun single anyways
Detectingfreak Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 As far as making him stop: Just ignore him. I eventually stop texting woman questions if they ignore me. I just assumed they blocked me. If that doesn't work then block him.
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Take this as an object lesson, guys: BE ALOOF. DO NOT SHOW INTEREST. . . .There's a difference between showing interest and persistent questioning!! By all means ask the odd Qs, however don't start blowing up the woman's phone with ridiculous questions, and then dropping in odd texts i.e. ''I had Pizza for dinner tonight'' .. . ''I have just moved the fish tank'' . .. ''I'm drilling now'' . . .That is the kinda crap I am talking about, out of context, irrelevant! So guys take my advice - by all means message, or even better CALL, however don't bombard the woman YOU are interested in with stupid Qs . . because it sure is a quick way to turn a woman off you!! Enjoy! :)
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 He sounds like me. I always use the we term and women hate it. That's why I gave up on dating. I can't get a woman interested in me to save my life because of the we term and also being a questioner so I just gave up. lol Its a lot more fun single anyways When you start talking to a guy (or in your case girl), and you drop the ''We'' in after say 24hours talking . . that is too much!! By all means I am not saying no to doing things together, however I like my independence and free space and time. I just don't like setting myself up for a major fall should it not work out which is why I tend to just go with things and see where things go. I'm no pro to this dating lark, I am still learning, but I am gradually picking up things (what works and doesn't work), and simply notching things up to experience and moving on. And I know for a fact, coming on too strong at the beginning is a dead cert for me to do a runner . . like I did with this guy!!!
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 As far as making him stop: Just ignore him. I eventually stop texting woman questions if they ignore me. I just assumed they blocked me. If that doesn't work then block him. . . .That's the thing though . . he wouldn't stop . .literally having a conversation with himself to unanswered messages to my Whatsapp. So I have just blocked him on my phone, whatsapp and on PoF. Oh the joys of dating . . lol (It's never ending) . . .
Detectingfreak Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 . . .That's the thing though . . he wouldn't stop . .literally having a conversation with himself to unanswered messages to my Whatsapp. So I have just blocked him on my phone, whatsapp and on PoF. Oh the joys of dating . . lol (It's never ending) . . . Glad you blocked him! Thats why i dont date anymore. I plan on being single for the rest of my life and im 25
Author DancinBallerina Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Glad you blocked him! Thats why i dont date anymore. I plan on being single for the rest of my life and im 25 Not going to lie, I have felt guilty doing it (blocking him). But at the same time, I can't deal with that kinda behaviour, and we haven't even met. Imagine if I met the guy, and we 'hit it off'. . .SHEESH . .my phone would never be mine or my life for that matter! HA, im 28 . .and I often feel like that . .BUT I am still going. 25? and you're hanging up your dating gloves? Get those gloves on and get out there . To be honest, although I am on dating website, I am (as a NY resolution), going to improve social circle. I think that is part reason why I haven't met someone.
Detectingfreak Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Not going to lie, I have felt guilty doing it (blocking him). But at the same time, I can't deal with that kinda behaviour, and we haven't even met. Imagine if I met the guy, and we 'hit it off'. . .SHEESH . .my phone would never be mine or my life for that matter! HA, im 28 . .and I often feel like that . .BUT I am still going. 25? and you're hanging up your dating gloves? Get those gloves on and get out there . To be honest, although I am on dating website, I am (as a NY resolution), going to improve social circle. I think that is part reason why I haven't met someone. Trust its for the best i have milk allergy, heart problems and cant have kids. No one wants someone as damaged goods as me. Its better then having a gf like i did complain about everything including not going anywhere out tk eat when we went to new places every week and also complaing about not being able to HAve kids and saying like its my fault when i was born with all that stuff. At least you have a better chance and im rooting for you to find someone i got to have a 2 year relationship and sex. Both were on my bucket list for life accomplishments
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