Comfortable....

[aggie382]

Why do certain things happen to me?

 

Maybe it's just a difference in world view and outlook, but unless we're talking about losing my father on 9/11 or a drunk driver hitting my ex, I've never lived my life thinking that anything happens to me. Every single thing that happens happens because we've made it so.

 

So yeah, if you're having trouble with guys, it likely has to do with you and your choices and behaviors. I'm not saying it's all on you, but you're definitely contributing to it somehow.

[toscaroscura]

Well, I forgot to add that cuz we were gone for so long - at that time my cel did not have service where we went training to. The battery was also low. I tried calling him back, but phone died.

 

Lol.

 

So it was only a misunderstanding, but the cavalier way you dismissed his feelings (as evidenced by your somewhat mocking tone here) probably left an impression that his feelings weren't important to you at all.

[CALOVELY]

I'm going on 40 here...

 

And, while cuz of my age and experience I've gotten to learn to be comfortable under my own skin...when certain things keep on happening to "me", how can I not wonder what's going on.

 

Really, I mean I'm going on 40 and if I have "all that" goin' on for me. Why do certain things happen to me?

 

That's kind of the purpose of my thread. Maybe I need to change the guys I pick?

 

You certainly have the life experience then. It sounds like you are accomplished but that does not mean others think so. "All that" is relative in other words. I caution you to think things keep happening to you. There is a pattern here and you are the common denominator. Either you need to change or you need to adjust your picker. Finding out which one it is is the key. It could be a bit of both. The good thing is you sound willing to try.

[aggie382]

So it was only a misunderstanding, but the cavalier way you dismissed his feelings (as evidenced by your somewhat mocking tone here) probably left an impression that his feelings weren't important to you at all.

 

Yeah.

 

Gloria, you have to be careful with tone and word choice and what you focus on or do or do not include. I'm assuming I'm misreading you as well, but this whole thing isn't coming across well and can easily leave someone with the wrong impression.

 

Then again, in expressing essentially the whole hamburger vs. steak thing, it sounds like you think more highly of yourself than you do others? I guess I don't understand??

[CALOVELY]

Did you mean to quote me? I am not the OP.

 

Why is there a Pinterest url in your post?

 

I did not mean to quote you and I have no idea why something relating to Pinterest showed up. Odd. Sorry about that!

[hoping2heal]

I think I posted a while back on how I heard some men rate women on like a scale of 1 to 5 with like 3 being "pretty", but not unattractive or ok like a 1 or 2...And, not too pretty like a 4 or a 5.

 

I can get where some people would feel "comfortable" with a certain type. I mean, if you get a person outside your league (well who you "think" is outside your league) you gotta probably worry about all the guys trying to ask her out on a date, if she'll get bored with you. I got it.

 

I mean for example. I am fit. I work out on the regular. But do I want a gym rat? Noooo. I don't have time for people on weird/strict diets, who live at the gym and are probably so self absorbed about their looks.

 

But.....

 

What I don't get is taking "comfortable" with wanting a downgrade.

 

I'm not the prettiest, richest, or smartest chick, but I don't get why/how I get dissed for chicks that are sometimes manipulative and/or don't have their stuff together. Now, I have had people say I'm condescending, but I believe that I treat my guys really well. I'm too nice (a doormat) if you will, cuz I'm trying so hard not to scare away a guy.

 

One time I got involved with a guy who was in the military. I had my degree and outranked him and I had lots of responsibilities. He didn't. I didn't care. I just liked "him". Well, I started getting the fade...come to find out, he was messing with some chick 21 yr old who wasn't going to college, who's job in life was to "babysit" her sister or something (I guess she was a "dependa" in training). When I asked him "WTF"? He said he didn't feel "comfortable" around me. He did try to get back with me like a year later, but I was too hurt. I don't wanna be with someone who thinks they don't deserve the likes of me.

 

So, that's why I try to find someone at or above me. I've kinda "been there and done that" with guys like I mentioned above.

 

But, I'm starting this thread cuz I just don't get why some people get a taste of steak but prefer hamburger. I just don't get it. I rather be alone than take a downgrade or settle or obsess over someone who showed me attention.

 

I can't stop being independent, athletic. I can't give back my degrees and accomplishments. I can't hide that I know how to handiwork and been "handling my business" on my own w/o depending on guys and am getting tired for being penalized for it. I don't know what more I can do to make a guy feel "comfortable" around me.

 

Or maybe it's certain guys I'm picking?

 

In bold is probably a lot of the real problem. It is not sincere and comes off as such and people will hit the snooze button. No one likes a doormat. Not men, not women.

[Gloria25]

Yeah.

 

Gloria, you have to be careful with tone and word choice and what you focus on or do or do not include. I'm assuming I'm misreading you as well, but this whole thing isn't coming across well and can easily leave someone with the wrong impression.

 

Then again, in expressing essentially the whole hamburger vs. steak thing, it sounds like you think more highly of yourself than you do others? I guess I don't understand??

 

Like I said, I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, etc. I don't know if the "steak" vs "hamburger" example is extreme, but I just see myself as having more to offer than some chicks I see landing guys and that I've been dumped for.

 

I was looking at some pics recently. These chicks are "supposedly" in "serious" relationships. Does it hurt to put on a little make-up and jewelry or do something with your hair when you go out with your "main squeeze"? Especially on the holidays or special events? I mean, I've gone to sporting events and still put on makeup. What's wrong with looking like a woman at a sporting event? But, these guys seem to be content with their "woman" not doing that for them. I'm assuming these guys are happy being "comfortable".

 

Again, when I go out with a guy I'm seeing - regardless of the type of relationship - I see looking nice for him as just something "normal" to do. I just wonder if guys who never got a woman to do that for them on the regular prefer "comfortable" women.

 

BTW, I dress very casual. Shoot, some people say I dress to casual and/or older than my age. But again, when I'm out and about with a guy, I'm gonna look nice for him.

[toscaroscura]

Ouch. There's a lot of judgement of other women's appearances and bodies here. It's all very "Queen bee-ish" and frankly juvenile.

 

Their men probably think they are beautiful the way they are.

[Gloria25]

In bold is probably a lot of the real problem. It is not sincere and comes off as such and people will hit the snooze button. No one likes a doormat. Not men, not women.

 

Agreed, I seem to notice that in me trying too hard to make a guy "comfortable", I'm trying too hard.

 

I mean, like sometimes when I go out with chicks or to certain gatherings, I'll dress down cuz I don't want the women to pick at me or think I'm trying to take their guy.

 

One time for Halloween I went dressed as a Flapper and the chicks were cold to me the whole evening. Few days that followed, a gf told me she was starting a new diet.

 

One time I went out of town to spend time with gfs and again, people were staring at me and then talking about how they need to go and start working out again.

 

Again, I'm NOT Halle Berry, I'm an average lookin' chick and am not high-maintenance, but I find myself dressing down at times cuz I don't want to deal with the attention.

[aggie382]

Like I said, I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, etc. I don't know if the "steak" vs "hamburger" example is extreme, but I just see myself as having more to offer than some chicks I see landing guys and that I've been dumped for.

 

It's one of those 'to each their own' things. Beauty, intelligence, wit, humor, are all in the eye of the beholder. There are things in people I don't see that others do, and vice versa.

 

I was looking at some pics recently. These chicks are "supposedly" in "serious" relationships. Does it hurt to put on a little make-up and jewelry or do something with your hair when you go out with your "main squeeze"? Especially on the holidays or special events? I mean, I've gone to sporting events and still put on makeup. What's wrong with looking like a woman at a sporting event? But, these guys seem to be content with their "woman" not doing that for them. I'm assuming these guys are happy being "comfortable".

 

Orrrrrrrrr their men don't like their women to be covered in makeup? My friends and I make fun of women who put on makeup for every event. You're imposing your standards on other people. Some guys really do like their women less done up, whether at a Mavs game or the mall. I mean, just as you're sitting there jugding women who don't get all dressed up and put makeup on, I'm sitting here wondering who judges others for not getting dressed up to go to the mall??

 

It's diff'rent strokes. It's not 'comfortable.'

[Gloria25]

Ouch. There's a lot of judgement of other women's appearances and bodies here. It's all very "Queen bee-ish" and frankly juvenile.

 

Their men probably think they are beautiful the way they are.

 

How is it juvenile? These chicks got guys picking them. They obviously are doing something "right".

 

And, that's the point of this thread. Maybe I need to do "less" and maybe guys will be "comfortable" with me?

 

But again, that's not me. I like to be me. I don't want to change how I present myself to a guy so he'll feel "comfortable" with me.

 

I give up. That's another reason why I go into dating droughts. I, despite going on 40, can't figure out how this crap works.

[Gloria25]

 

It's diff'rent strokes. It's not 'comfortable.'

 

Ok, agreed...

 

I believe I need to pick different guys. I want a guy who wants/expects certain things in a woman. I don't want some guy too "comfortable" with me...because before you know it, I'd end up like my 50's who look like 60's neighbors who look repulsive cuz they are "comfortable" with each other.

 

BTW, I wear very light make up and yes, I often make fun of the women who literally wear a "mask" and even go to bed with the "mask" on.

[aggie382]

Ok, agreed...

 

I believe I need to pick different guys. I want a guy who wants/expects certain things in a woman. I don't want some guy too "comfortable" with me...because before you know it, I'd end up like my 50's who look like 60's neighbors who look repulsive.

 

BTW, I wear very light make up and yes, I often make fun of the women who literally wear a "mask" and even go to bed with the "mask" on.

 

In the OP you say you don't want to be with someone who cares so much about looks, yet it sounds like that's exactly what you do want. So perhaps you'd be best suited finding dates at the gym after all?

[Leigh 87]

No, I never got to know the 21 yr old. But, obviously there wasn't a thing there. He came asking me for another chance and I was like "nope".

 

But without even knowing her. I think we, especially after doing the "dating-go-round" can look and see things from the outside.

 

Again, like I said, chick had nothing going for her. I don't see how that's attractive to a guy.

 

But she was probably cute and attractive and able just just put him at ease. She could have just gotten along and clicked better.

[toscaroscura]

I was looking at some pics recently. These chicks are "supposedly" in "serious" relationships. Does it hurt to put on a little make-up and jewelry or do something with your hair when you go out with your "main squeeze"? Especially on the holidays or special events? I mean, I've gone to sporting events and still put on makeup. What's wrong with looking like a woman at a sporting event? But, these guys seem to be content with their "woman" not doing that for them. I'm assuming these guys are happy being "comfortable".

 

 

.

 

It's the bolded part; it reminds me of a teenage girl looking down her nose at an "ugly" girl. And putting "women" in quotes, as if not dolling oneself up makes her less of a woman.

 

It's fine to want to look good, and to look good for your man. But your posts reek of judgement on these supposed "lesser" unattractive women. You can take pride in your appearance without slagging off on other women who are plainer in presentation. It smacks of having to tear others down to build yourself up.

[Gloria25]

In the OP you say you don't want to be with someone who cares so much about looks, yet it sounds like that's exactly what you do want. So perhaps you'd be best suited finding dates at the gym after all?

 

I want the "in between"...

 

I don't want someone uptight, but I don't want someone "too comfortable" either.

 

Look, I had neighbors as a kid. Both were obese. The kids were overweight. Went to their house at times. Their home smelled like feet. The parents didn't look nice - even for each other. I don't want someone that comfortable.

 

Hope I'm making sense here. But again, I think it boils down to "different strokes for different folks". I just need to move on and find someone like me and stop thinking something's wrong with me.

[Gloria25]

It's the bolded part; it reminds me of a teenage girl looking down her nose at an "ugly" girl. And putting "women" in quotes, as if not dolling oneself up makes her less of a woman.

 

It's fine to want to look good, and to look good for your man. But your posts reek of judgement on these supposed "lesser" unattractive women. You can take pride in your appearance without slagging off on other women who are plainer in presentation. It smacks of having to tear others down to build yourself up.

 

How is it putting down anyone? I didn't call anyone ugly here.

 

I just guess I gotta respect certain guys don't want their women to do anything special for them.

 

So, again, I'm gonna forget certain people and whatever floats their boat and look for me - someone who appreciates a certain things in a woman.

[aggie382]

Hope I'm making sense here. But again, I think it boils down to "different strokes for different folks". I just need to move on and find someone like me and stop thinking something's wrong with methe women guys choose to date instead of me.

 

Fixed it for you. See?

[Rejected Rosebud]

I have to be honest - it really is off-putting the way you constantly put down EVERY woman, except for your self. You are representing your personality as not a very good one, I'm sorry, but that is the way you come off and that might be a reason why men don't want to be with you. Also I have asked you a few times but what exactly are you wanting out of a man? An exclusive FWB thing?

[Leigh 87]

Agreed, I seem to notice that in me trying too hard to make a guy "comfortable", I'm trying too hard.

 

I mean, like sometimes when I go out with chicks or to certain gatherings, I'll dress down cuz I don't want the women to pick at me or think I'm trying to take their guy.

 

One time for Halloween I went dressed as a Flapper and the chicks were cold to me the whole evening. Few days that followed, a gf told me she was starting a new diet.

 

One time I went out of town to spend time with gfs and again, people were staring at me and then talking about how they need to go and start working out again.

 

Again, I'm NOT Halle Berry, I'm an average lookin' chick and am not high-maintenance, but I find myself dressing down at times cuz I don't want to deal with the attention.

 

 

 

OK well if you're average looking then it's not a surprise that some of the men you go for aren't all that attracted - and most men go on looks initially as well as getting to know a women's personality.

 

I get men by not only talking about my career goals which I have, but also.... I hate to say it, I'm more attractive than average to the men I go for. That compels them to want to get to know me.

 

A lot of men do hold out for women they find to be really attractive. It's shallow but true.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I have to be honest - it really is off-putting the way you constantly put down EVERY woman, except for your self. You are representing your personality as not a very good one, I'm sorry, but that is the way you come off and that might be a reason why men don't want to be with you. Also I have asked you a few times but what exactly are you wanting out of a man? An exclusive FWB thing?

 

Maybe she just sees women that she finds to be less attractive than she is to be getting the men she goes for ?

[Gloria25]

I have to be honest - it really is off-putting the way you constantly put down EVERY woman, except for your self. You are representing your personality as not a very good one, I'm sorry, but that is the way you come off and that might be a reason why men don't want to be with you. Also I have asked you a few times but what exactly are you wanting out of a man? An exclusive FWB thing?

 

I guess you can say that, an exclusive FWB thing...

 

But, since I've gotten my feelings trampled on recently, I don't even want them around me more than a few hours. Like I think that after we have sex, I don't even want them to spend the night...I just want them to leave and we just call each other to set up a hook-up.

 

Just like everything else in my life, nothing much a guy can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pretty much need someone to get laid with on the regular. After that, I don't even want them around.

 

I mean, relationships take too much energy and going on 40 I still don't know what guys want. I don't have time and energy to waste in this crap. I just need company now and then.

 

But seriously, I'm thinking of giving women a try. I was watching this kinda like Expendables - but the female version the other day and it was such a cool movie. I could get with a chick like in those movies. Eh, but then again, women are probably gonna want more attention then a guy would...I guess I can't win here.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Gloria25

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't even want them around me more than a few hours. Like I think that after we have sex, I don't even want them to spend the night...I just want them to leave and we just call each other to set up a hook-up.

 

Just like everything else in my life, nothing much a guy can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pretty much need someone to get laid with on the regular. After that, I don't even want them around.

 

I mean, relationships take too much energy

 

So … you're really not offering anything? Why are you surprised that these guys are looking elsewhere?

[Leigh 87]

Something is seriously amiss here of you cannot even get a FWB that offers up regular sex.

[Gloria25]

So … you're really not offering anything? Why are you surprised that these guys are looking elsewhere?

 

They're getting sex. What else more do they need?

 

Like I said, I'm done trying to offer anything else. I don't know what they want.

 

Oh, when I started this thread, I should have added that it's not just about guys settling for chicks who don't doll themselves up. They are also settling for them who don't cook and/or maintain a clean household.

 

So far I know of two chicks who didn't know how to clean their barracks room and/or condo, got married, and ended up divorced. So, I guess some guys do get tired of chicks that don't do certain things.