sandylee1 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 On another forum about infidelity, someone remarked their internal feelings about their spouse having an A with a black person. The BS used derogatory racist slurs (the N word) expressing how they felt and I wondered if anyone has or knows of anything similar. Does it make the pain of betrayal worse if the AP is white and you're black? Does it have anything to do with the stereotypical image of a black male and their sexuality? Personally I don't think race has anything to do with being a good lover.
BetrayedH Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 In her writings about her affair, my exwife referred to her AP as her "Latin lover." We're both caucasians, if that matters. I suppose I could have felt threatened but his balding head and coke-bottle glasses just made it seem silly. 8
loveboid Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I suppose I could have felt threatened but his balding head and coke-bottle glasses just made it seem silly. OP, it doesn't matter about skin color. Look at the quote above...anything is used against the AP.
BetrayedH Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 OP, it doesn't matter about skin color. Look at the quote above...anything is used against the AP. You're right. I am incredibly discriminatory against people with vision and hair issues (well, the ones that are secretly f*cking my wife anyway). 14
sweet_pea Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Well, for one thing… the BS is wrong for calling someone a racial slur. I get they are in pain, but that is still wrong. I don't think the AP being a different race should hurt worse. You really have to ask yourself and examine why someone's race would make it hurt more? Why would someone having an affair with a different race hurt more than if they were the same race? I would be hurt regardless of what the AP looked like, but certainly not more because of their skin color. Stereotypes probably do have some play in why someone would hurt more. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 On another forum about infidelity, someone remarked their internal feelings about their spouse having an A with a black person. The BS used derogatory racist slurs (the N word) expressing how they felt and I wondered if anyone has or knows of anything similar. Does it make the pain of betrayal worse if the AP is white and you're black? Does it have anything to do with the stereotypical image of a black male and their sexuality? Personally I don't think race has anything to do with being a good lover. Chances are, the BS was a racist anyway, not that it makes it OK for him/her to use the N word.
Friskyone4u Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 A lot of people lash out at the AP in any way they can. That is when they cannot yet get out of denial and accept that their spouse or partner willingly climbed into bed with the AP. It is emotionally easier to blame it on the AP the truth for many The problem is the WW or WH, not the AP no matter what color 3
No Limit Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I could care less about the affair partner. They didn't marry and build a life with me. It's the consciously made and wanted betrayal that would stir my ire. I have yet to get into a situation in which somebody's skin color bothers/interests me. 2
Author sandylee1 Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Thanks for all your thoughts so far. have to say I also felt that deep down, the individual had a degree of racism and was now in denial about that. I wondered if the BS in this case felt further betrayed and humiliated because the AP was black and that it was a reflection of their own sexual ability. It was pretty shocking for me to see those slurs in black and white I'll be honest. My brother was called this name very often throughout high school and nothing ever happened to those who did the name calling. Times have changed though and I know that wouldn't happen to my children quite so overtly today. Betrayed H - you made me laugh a bit when you said 'only the ones who f*** my wife' . I agree the balding head and coke bottled glasses takes away the red hot latin lover image.
still_an_Angel Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 have to say I also felt that deep down, the individual had a degree of racism and was now in denial about that. I wondered if the BS in this case felt further betrayed and humiliated because the AP was black and that it was a reflection of their own sexual ability. For someone who is racist then it would be a double slap to discover that the AP is of the race that the BS despises.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Does it make the pain of betrayal worse if the AP is white and you're black? . Well, I guess I'm qualified to answer this one. I'm Black. My wife is White. Her AP was white. I can't possibly imagine anything hurting WORSE than it did on D Day but I can tell you his race was an issue with me for a long time after. Not because I have anything against white people. ( I'm actually bi racial and my mother is white, as are almost my entire social and professional circles) The issue was me wondering if my wife would rather have married within her race. As was implied earlier, this has everything to do with MY issues and feelings of self worth at the time. She made me feel low and put him on a pedestal, and race was just the most clear difference between us. Didn't matter to me that I was taller, in much better shape, better looking, healthier and more successful financially and professionally. In fact, it almost made me feel worse. Like all of that didn't matter if she really just wanted a white dude. I got over this nonsense pretty quickly once my self confidence returned. But I will admit that I let myself go down a pretty dark road for awhile. 7
road Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Well, I guess I'm qualified to answer this one. I'm Black. My wife is White. Her AP was white. I can't possibly imagine anything hurting WORSE than it did on D Day but I can tell you his race was an issue with me for a long time after. Not because I have anything against white people. ( I'm actually bi racial and my mother is white, as are almost my entire social and professional circles) The issue was me wondering if my wife would rather have married within her race. As was implied earlier, this has everything to do with MY issues and feelings of self worth at the time. She made me feel low and put him on a pedestal, and race was just the most clear difference between us. Didn't matter to me that I was taller, in much better shape, better looking, healthier and more successful financially and professionally. In fact, it almost made me feel worse. Like all of that didn't matter if she really just wanted a white dude. I got over this nonsense pretty quickly once my self confidence returned. But I will admit that I let myself go down a pretty dark road for awhile. Just a BS grabbing at any tool available to express anger at the AP. Does not mean they discriminate in real life. 2
Clay Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I noticed that the women that cheated on me always cheated down. I have never really understood that. I think it hurt my feelings the most because I worked so hard to build us a good life. I think that taught me the most about being cheated on. I just learned to value myself more and walk away from people that have less morals and respect for themselves. I used to have the dream of the white picket fence and the mother being at home with the kids. Well now that dream is gone and I wont be with a woman that wont work and help fight for our dreams. Clay
Author sandylee1 Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Well, I guess I'm qualified to answer this one. I'm Black. My wife is White. Her AP was white. I can't possibly imagine anything hurting WORSE than it did on D Day but I can tell you his race was an issue with me for a long time after. Not because I have anything against white people. ( I'm actually bi racial and my mother is white, as are almost my entire social and professional circles) The issue was me wondering if my wife would rather have married within her race. As was implied earlier, this has everything to do with MY issues and feelings of self worth at the time. She made me feel low and put him on a pedestal, and race was just the most clear difference between us. Didn't matter to me that I was taller, in much better shape, better looking, healthier and more successful financially and professionally. In fact, it almost made me feel worse. Like all of that didn't matter if she really just wanted a white dude. I got over this nonsense pretty quickly once my self confidence returned. But I will admit that I let myself go down a pretty dark road for awhile. TrustedthenB, Thanks for your view on that. I get how you questioned in your mind if she would have rathered marry within her race. You naturally look for the physical differences. The reality is whilst racism can happen against any race, the more hurtful words historically are directed at black people. Cheating is cheating any which way. It's such a hurtful thing to experience. I personally remember many years before I got married, a BF cheating on me with a biracial girl. I had no additional feelings except,did he find her more attractive because she was biracial. Plus the fact that she was slim and I wasn't. Oddly enough he came back begging me for a second chance. Like I said, that was long long ago, but just came to mind. The poster who said it would be a double slap up, I totally agree with you. Thanks
Sub Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 My WW is Latin. I'm white. Her AP was Latin. She once said,"Being Latin made a difference." Meaning he had a leg up in that department. He spoke perfect Spanish. He had the machismo, the confidence. But here's the thing: for the other 19 years of our relationship, she said she could never be with a Latin man. And in the end, his stereotypical "Latin-ness" came through, and we're happily R'd. I didn't think twice about it, though. I have friends of all colors. His race didn't mean anything to me. Just her, for a short period of time.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Just a BS grabbing at any tool available to express anger at the AP. Does not mean they discriminate in real life. Well....sort of. Only I didn't discriminate against him for his race. Obviously, my wife, mother, extended family etc are white as well. I only took note that he was the same race as my wife, and I wondered at the time if that was her preference. I am the only non-white guy she's ever dated.
Author sandylee1 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 My WW is Latin. I'm white. Her AP was Latin. She once said,"Being Latin made a difference." Meaning he had a leg up in that department. He spoke perfect Spanish. He had the machismo, the confidence. But here's the thing: for the other 19 years of our relationship, she said she could never be with a Latin man. And in the end, his stereotypical "Latin-ness" came through, and we're happily R'd. I didn't think twice about it, though. I have friends of all colors. His race didn't mean anything to me. Just her, for a short period of time. Thanks for your reply and glad to here your happily reconciled.
spanz1 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 there is a fair amount of porn directed just at that, so maybe a wife sees interracial porn, gets turned onto it, and goes to seek it out for real. They even sell bracelets and anklets that have "BBC" letters on them stating what she is hunting for. go figure
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 there is a fair amount of porn directed just at that, so maybe a wife sees interracial porn, gets turned onto it, and goes to seek it out for real. They even sell bracelets and anklets that have "BBC" letters on them stating what she is hunting for. go figure Funny, this thread inspired me to ask my wife if MY race was ever a factor in her affair. She said yes, that OM was a bit intimidated because I'm twice his size, black, and um....you know....twice his size. lol.
drifter777 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Funny, this thread inspired me to ask my wife if MY race was ever a factor in her affair. She said yes, that OM was a bit intimidated because I'm twice his size, black, and um....you know....twice his size. lol. Why could he possibly be intimidated - did she tell him this? Really, what woman would emasculate their lover like that? And you know that you are twice his size ... how?? 1
Sassy Girl Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My AP is a different race, but thats not why I am with him. It has never been a factor. My sister as also married a man of the same race as MM. We were raised not to see race. My H was also born in in another country although he is the same colour as me. Im not much interested in the cliches or stereotypes. The fact is my MMs parents were born elsewhere, but he is the same nationality as me. he was born here and has lived here longer than me (by the mere fact that he is older than me). Conversely, his wife is the same race as myself and he is not attracted to women of his own race, so I know my race or skin colour didnt play a factor with him either.
dichotomy Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My wife's OM was from New Zealand. I developed a strong dislike for those ***ing kiwi bastards. :lmao: You will latch onto any part of the AP's differences in your hurt/pain and anger....could be race, build, age, hair, looks, education, money, what ever you feel insecure or was a contributing factor - and despise that thing. I suppose race just factors into things in a way particularity a thing like being black. I could see the same if a black couple's wife got involved with a white man. 2
Author sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Why could he possibly be intimidated - did she tell him this? Really, what woman would emasculate their lover like that? And you know that you are twice his size ... how?? People in affairs do strange things. I imagine her AP may have asked about the H and she answered the question.
Author sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I noticed again recently people's tagline on another affairs forum, things like: Me the BS 34 Him the WS 35 Her OW - white trailer trash or OW african whore I get that one would poke at perceived imperfections like height or weight. But when you race/skin colour gets mentioned it looks like that is also viewed as an imperfection.
Author sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I could see the same if a black couple's wife got involved with a white man. It would undoubtedly be an obvious difference if that happened, but I don't think it would result in racist slurs. Probably because blacks/asians are considered ethnic minorities (where I live anyway) and more of those derogatory and insulting terms are used towards them.
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