A cure for "oneitis"?

[chronicteadrinker]

Hello everyone, I'm new here.

 

About halfway through the year I met a girl at university who I liked a lot. I talked with her and after a while managed to get her number. Little by little we got to talk almost every single day about all kinds of stuff and it all felt really nice, I enjoyed it.

Eventually I got myself to ask her out. She said yes, but to wait a few weeks since at the time we were full with exams and such. Around a week ago the time came when we went out... The date itself had its ups and downs, but we did talk a LOT, which was nice. Despite it not being perfect, I quite enjoyed myself and I believe she had a good time too (we stayed up until late and she could have left a lot earlier if she had wanted to).

 

During all that time, it didn't feel right to make a move... But I felt like I had to, that it was then or never (we had been talking for 4 months already). Besides before going out we had had coffee together or gone out to eat, so I felt this had to be different if I didn't want to be just a friend. So before parting ways I asked her "Can I see you off with a kiss?" (again, it didn't feel right to just MAKE the move). That ruined everything. She kind of brushed it off at first, but then she was all out saying it had made her uncomfortable and whatnot. We pretended I'd said nothing for a little while, and then I said goodbye to her.

 

A day later I talked to her again; she soon replied and we were off talking as if nothing had happened. This went on toward the next day... From the way she replied, I interpreted things were alright. And it somehow felt wrong to just ignore what had happened. So I told her I was sorry for the other day, that I had not wanted to make her uncomfortable. She said there was no prob. I thought if I had ended it like so, it would all be over and we'd just be friends.... On hindsight it doesn't sound like the best idea, but immediately after that I told her I had enjoyed the rest of the date, and asked her if she wanted to go out again sometime. To which she did not reply.

 

I greeted her for Christmas (an idea from a friend, besides I just wanted an excuse to talk to her), to which she replied readily. I followed it up with a "How is it going?", an she never again replied.

 

I have reason to believe she is going out with someone else now, and am feeling quite down about the whole thing.

 

Google searches and this forum lead me to the term "oneitis", which I believe describes my present situation quite well... I'd like to get over things and move on, but neither one of those is very easy to me right now.

 

It's still hard to not think about it, and it makes me feel pretty stupid as well. I believe the "cure" most people recommend for this situation is to date other girls, but... well, it's just not so simple for me right now. Where do I meet them? Most of my friends are out of town right now, and I'm not too good at getting girls at parties or clubs anyways. University was about the best I could get, and I believe I was pretty lucky this one time as well.

 

What should I do? I'd like to not feel so absorbed by this issue and also I'd like to be able to DO something about my predicament.

 

Thank you for reading through and for any time you give to this, I sincerely appreciate it.

Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

I followed it up with a "How is it going?", an she never again replied. I have reason to believe she is going out with someone else now, and am feeling quite down about the whole thing.

 

Yea, you need to move on and forget this girl. Although I think the the mistake you spoke of earlier in the post... asking if you could kiss her, was the opposite of what you thought. You were friendzoned long before you ever thought about kissing her. She thought of you as a brother. Sure, she'll let you take her out and buy her meals... but, going in for the kiss... eweeee, gross.

 

From now on you need to show sexual interest from the moment you meet a woman, and start escalating it early. Don't give them a chance to FZ you- make them wet in their panties. First use your mind, your dominant male persona, eye contact, subtle touching, compliments and attention... and when you're ready to kiss her, don't ask permission... pull her close, cup her head in your hands and kiss her like you mean it without her having any real choice in the matter.

 

If she screams and runs so be it- at least you didn't wast 6 months being friendly and then having to convert it to romance. But if you've done a good job of showing your dominance chances are that the kiss will not only go well, but she'll be kissing you back and wanting more.

 

Make them either accept or reject you for the dominant, sexual male that you are, and never ever try to work your way in the backdoor by being friends first... it just doesn't work.

[Danda]

Yea, you need to move on and forget this girl. Although I think the the mistake you spoke of earlier in the post... asking if you could kiss her, was the opposite of what you thought. You were friendzoned long before you ever thought about kissing her. She thought of you as a brother. Sure, she'll let you take her out and buy her meals... but, going in for the kiss... eweeee, gross.

 

From now on you need to show sexual interest from the moment you meet a woman, and start escalating it early. Don't give them a chance to FZ you- make them wet in their panties. First use your mind, your dominant male persona, eye contact, subtle touching, compliments and attention... and when you're ready to kiss her, don't ask permission... pull her close, cup her head in your hands and kiss her like you mean it without her having any real choice in the matter.

 

If she screams and runs so be it- at least you didn't wast 6 months being friendly and then having to convert it to romance. But if you've done a good job of showing your dominance chances are that the kiss will not only go well, but she'll be kissing you back and wanting more.

 

Make them either accept or reject you for the dominant, sexual male that you are, and never ever try to work your way in the backdoor by being friends first... it just doesn't work.

 

To add to this: If she is interested in your romantically it will show earlier on than months into you two getting to know each other. I can't say I recommend going in for a passionate kiss no-holds-barred without any green lights, but if you combine early green lights with Sal's advice, it's spot-on perfect.

[endlessabyss]

It's all good, buddy.

 

 

You were just going with your gut feeling. Dating is so complicated these days, it's hard to know what others are thinking, and were to go with these things.

 

 

Just keep this in mind, the kissing incident wasn't the deal breaker. If she was really into you that wouldn't of mattered. Like one of the above posters said, it does sound like a "friend zone" situation, so next time make it known early what your intentions are.

 

 

Also, try to look at this from the positive angle. It's a learning experience, so learn from your failure. Apply what you learned from this mistake to the next opportunity, and try to not get discouraged on when the next occasion will come along. It may come tomorrow, it may come five years from now, but it will come.

[chronicteadrinker]

Thanks a lot everyone!!!!

 

Your advice helps me a lot, I would not have come to the things you've pointed out on my own. I'm definitely quite introverted and I still have a lot to learn about all this. I believe the memory of this experience will help me be more direct in my approach, I'll make sure to put your advice to the best use I can the next chance I get.

Also, this helps me focus on what I can do about things from now on rather than just being sulky about it all - which comes as a big relief.

 

You are absolutely right endlessabyss, I should take this as a learning experience. I will do what I can on my end to meet new girls, but I should not stress myself if it takes some time to get another chance either.

 

Again, your words of encouragement are a big help, and they let me keep a positive attitude. I believe I can now look at things with a cooler head.

[oldshirt]

A number of issues taking place here. Let's start with your own comfort zones and wants and desires. If you are interested in a girl and and to take her out, ask her out. Make it that simple.

 

If you are comfortable with her and want to touch or kiss her, slowly and incrementally move in and do so. (If she's not cool with it, she will move away or tell you to stop. Don't be a masher and just rush in. Do it incrementally to give her an out.)

 

If you aren't comfortable and feel real awkward, then don't feel compelled to do something you aren't into just because you think you should. That is insincere.

 

You are too much in your own head and thinking to much and worried about what she is thinking. Let your actions be congruent with what is in your heart and let her actions be your guide as to what she is thinking/feeling. If she is running away screaming, then it's apparent she's not into it. If she tears your clothes off and ravages you, she is.

 

The friendzone is another issue here. You get friend zoned when you set yourself up to be a nonsexual friend. If you spend a lot of time building up an asexual relationship, then any girl will feel freaked out and uncomfortable if you suddenly make a sexual move. If you set yourself up as one of her girlfriends, she will expect you to be a girlfriend. You need to work on flirtation and wearing your masculinity and sexuality on your sleeve. Don't be afraid to be a virile, sexual being interested in romance and sexuality. You can respect people's boundaries and still not act like a castrated weenie.

 

I'll address the oneitis, in my next post.

[oldshirt]

 

Google searches and this forum lead me to the term "oneitis", which I believe describes my present situation quite well... I'd like to get over things and move on, but neither one of those is very easy to me right now.

 

It's still hard to not think about it, and it makes me feel pretty stupid as well. I believe the "cure" most people recommend for this situation is to date other girls, but... well, it's just not so simple for me right now. Where do I meet them? Most of my friends are out of town right now, and I'm not too good at getting girls at parties or clubs anyways. University was about the best I could get, and I believe I was pretty lucky this one time as well.

 

 

 

I concur, you have a case of oneitis.

 

Your further description is textbook oneitis. You believe that your options are limited and this has been your one big chance at love and that you were "lucky" to get one awkward date with her and now that you blew it (which you really didn't) now you are going to suffer indefinitely in a sexual wasteland of despair and isolation.

 

...textbook

 

 

But you are correct in that the cure for oneitis is to get out and date multiple girls and gain experience. As you get more experience and more social skills and dating skills you will quickly learn that this gal was not "special" and that she is not your one chance at love.

 

Once you have gone out with several girls, you will have the realization that you have the skills and abilities to go out with several girls.

 

This all goes back to the biblical concept of, "give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and he can feed himself for life."

 

Right now you feel you were given a fish and this was a one-time shot. And now that has passed you feel a famine coming on. That is oneitis.

 

You need to learn to fish. You learn to fish by opening your eyes and seeing all the women that are there and you start approaching them and asking them out despite the fact you don't think they are perfect or "the one."

[oldshirt]

 

Make them either accept or reject you for the dominant, sexual male that you are, and never ever try to work your way in the backdoor by being friends first... it just doesn't work.

 

I wish I had read the other responses first. This is what I was getting at but this statement above is much more concise.

 

Show your interest and intent early and either take the early rejection before you waste weeks and months, or enjoy the success.

 

Trying to work around the back door through friendship does not work. Women do not romance and sex up with their friends. They do that kind of stuff with men they are attracted to and feel sexual desire for.

 

If you want friendship, set up a fishing trip or play video games with your guy buddies. If you want to go on real dates and have romance and sexuality, you must lead off with male dominance, flirtation and seduction. Attraction must come first, then you can establish comfort and report.