kendahke Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Imagine that you two are married, when she's having problems with her career, stressed about her job etc ....would she be asking to take a break from a marriage then too? Holmes drops the mike. FTW THAT is what I'm sayin'...
sober and dry Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 When someone in the future asks for a break I will just trow one chance of resolving the issues together, if not, then I'm sorry but it's a break forever. It may look like a black or white thinking but, what Holmes said is the reality.
lolablue17 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Thank you for your update... Let's just assume she really doesn't want to totally break-up. Let's assume she is really busy with her career and she can't handle a relationship. Busy people use to "fire fighting". She pays attention only to urgent things which needed an urgent treatment. So why on earth are you letting her to absolutely controlling your life? Be yourself, be a man and get a hold of your position. I advice you to go NC. Don't answer anymore of her mails, texts, what ever. Disappear, get out of her life... dont "be there for her" and dont be at all!!!! Now, after she will notice that, let's see how urgent is for her to loose you. This will come from her heart, not with blur words. This is also a good test to see how much you're important to her. Right now you're just one of her duties, and not high priority. Why would you want her at all??? Why do you agree to wait for someone who puts you in priority number 99 in her life? Go NC. If she's coming to you crying begging you to take her back, that is the only proof for you that she cares for you. Not less that that. MOVE ON!!!!
Leigh 87 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Stop playing into the break! You either want to stay and work on a relationship or you do not! There are no grey areas! If you're truly in love, you fight to make things work with the right person! You don't just have "breaks" from a committed relationship! Good God and to think about how she would have handled a marriage:sick: Things are tough and " oh, well I want space, yeah, let's not text and call and hang out like usual until I am ready to" Yeah. Right. I feel sorry for the OP.
sober and dry Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 A break or "break", some time, some space, or whatever you want to call, 99% of the times it is just an blunt excuse to get somewhat away from the RS, and guess what's the must probable result from this?!
No_Go Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Not to sound cynic but... I personally pull the "career talk" only when I am not sure if I want to be with the person. Else I will cut sleep, eat, friends, but will keep focusing on my work AND my significant other. Maybe is temporary but I wouldn't invest too much emotionally in her.
sober and dry Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Not to sound cynic but... I personally pull the "career talk" only when I am not sure if I want to be with the person. Else I will cut sleep, eat, friends, but will keep focusing on my work AND my significant other. Maybe is temporary but I wouldn't invest too much emotionally in her. Well so that's a shame on you if you pull the "career talk" or what ever to make a decision. Grow up a little will you... Putting fake labels at stuff obviously just doesn't help you or anyone else making a choice. Why can you just be sincere and just say it or make it without clouding the other person?
No_Go Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Calm down, sober, sometimes the truth hurts, don't you think? If it is s long relationship with a lot of trust, I am all for the truth, but sometimes just telling "I'm bored from you and you're not very attractive; still we have a lot in common so I need to think" can hurt the other a lot... I just wanted to share with the user the female perspective of "I need a break for my career/other excuse" Edited January 22, 2015 by No_Go
sober and dry Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Calm down, sober, sometimes the truth hurts, don't you think? If it is s long relationship with a lot of trust, I am all for the truth, but sometimes just telling "I'm bored from you and you're not very attractive; still we have a lot in common so I need to think" can hurt the other a lot... I just wanted to share with the user the female perspective of "I need a break for my career/other excuse" First of all, sorry for being a bit rude, I know. Yes I understood that you wanted to share your perspective, but my opinion is that. Sure truth sometimes hurts, but also a hidden truth that later is reveled hurts even more won't say so? Besides, IF it's the truth why keep it hidden or delayed? I can't see any reason for this. So why the need for a excuse? Maybe that's just my personality and I can be wrong. I'm a guy how says every truth right in the face right at first sight and that's what I expect from everyone else around me. I would prefer you had said me "I'm bored from you and you're not very attractive; still we have a lot in common so I need to think" now, than some time later after I developed some more feelings for you and invested in that! That way a would just get some space for booth of us and let it roll to see were it goes. If you tell me this later on I would just be upset because of the investment I made "all along" with you thinking this by the way. Now imagine if I get to that conclusion without you even saying it? I would just be pissed with you and see you no more, never again. I do use this to any kind of RS, romantic or friendly. Besides, for ME, putting your career above the "love of my life" when things are not right int the RS is just a stab in that person. A stab that personally, I think it will do a lot of damage. Edited January 22, 2015 by sober and dry 1
No_Go Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I actually see your point. I am working on getting more direct in relationships. I was btw myself in a situation in which the guy (that I really liked) kept me hanging for weeks, and in the end send me a message "...I met someone else". I KNEW he made up this white lie not to tell me directly that he is not into me. Did it irritate me? Yes, but mainly the waiting time, not the white lie itself. So in short, in my opinion the biggest problem in the situation described in this thread is not the (possibly) white lie "career over love" but in her decision to ask for "break" and not for clean ending of their relationship. First of all, sorry for being a bit rude, I know. Yes I understood that you wanted to share your perspective, but my opinion is that. Sure truth sometimes hurts, but also a hidden truth that later is reveled hurts even more won't say so? Besides, IF it's the truth why keep it hidden or delayed? I can't see any reason for this. So why the need for a excuse? Maybe that's just my personality and I can be wrong. I'm a guy how says every truth right in the face right at first sight and that's what I expect from everyone else around me. I would prefer you had said me "I'm bored from you and you're not very attractive; still we have a lot in common so I need to think" now, than some time later after I developed some more feelings for you and invested in that! That way a would just get some space for booth of us and let it roll to see were it goes. If you tell me this later on I would just be upset because of the investment I made "all along" with you thinking this by the way. Now imagine if I get to that conclusion without you even saying it? I would just be pissed with you and see you no more, never again. I do use this to any kind of RS, romantic or friendly. Besides, for ME, putting your career above the "love of my life" when things are not right int the RS is just a stab in that person. A stab that personally, I think it will do a lot of damage.
Author PizzaMuffin Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Had a long talk with my sister tonight, who is a very insightful (and brutal) person who happens to know my ex. I've decided to let it go. I might text her back about the money, I might not but either way I'm just going to tell her to keep it and not bother me about it again. I'm just accepting that she's an ex now, and it's time to move forward. What happens, happens. In the meantime, it's time to focus on myself and my goals and not worry about her. I appreciate all the advice everyone here offered. This has been a great community, and it's actually helped a lot. HOPEFULLY I won't have to come back here with another sad story, but instead I might be able to offer someone some help who's been in my shoes. Thank you, guys and gals. Cheers 1
Author PizzaMuffin Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Okay, quick update then I'm done..... Replied to her text with "You we me nothing. Don't sweat it" And now moving on to NO CONTACT.
Standard-Fare Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 If it were me I'd want a real conversation with her. I wouldn't want her to get away with pulling this softball "I need a break" crap when she actually meant "I want to break up, I just don't want to deal with the drama and emotions of that." I mean, what lessons will she learn from this? Will she even realize how callous and hurtful she's been? I'd want to stare her down and force some honesty out of her. But another part of me thinks you have the right idea to be the bigger person to just let it go. Displaying and vulnerability and hurt to someone who's shut down on you always puts you in an inferior, needy position.
Author PizzaMuffin Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 If it were me I'd want a real conversation with her. I wouldn't want her to get away with pulling this softball "I need a break" crap when she actually meant "I want to break up, I just don't want to deal with the drama and emotions of that." I mean, what lessons will she learn from this? Will she even realize how callous and hurtful she's been? I'd want to stare her down and force some honesty out of her. But another part of me thinks you have the right idea to be the bigger person to just let it go. Displaying and vulnerability and hurt to someone who's shut down on you always puts you in an inferior, needy position. Believe me, there's a HUGE part of me that probably still wants that. When it comes to finances, stuff like that lingers with her. My message is basically saying "It was never about the money" and I hope it gets through. There's a part of me that wants her to face what she's done, but honestly in her mind she probably doesn't think she's done anything. Either way, regardless of her thoughts I need to move on and forget about her for awhile. If she comes a' knockin', I'll deal with it then. Or won't. Who knows. Hah! I'm going to Colorado for a week on a ski trip starting Saturday. That'll be some good time to clear my head and get back in my groove.
Standard-Fare Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Believe me, there's a HUGE part of me that probably still wants that. When it comes to finances, stuff like that lingers with her. My message is basically saying "It was never about the money" and I hope it gets through. There's a part of me that wants her to face what she's done, but honestly in her mind she probably doesn't think she's done anything. Either way, regardless of her thoughts I need to move on and forget about her for awhile. If she comes a' knockin', I'll deal with it then. Or won't. Who knows. Hah! I'm going to Colorado for a week on a ski trip starting Saturday. That'll be some good time to clear my head and get back in my groove. Well, the bold above is the problem. She should have to acknowledge the fact that way she's dealt with this is bullsh*t. But good call on that ski trip. Enjoy yourself! 1
Author PizzaMuffin Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Alrighty, so it's been awhile since I've posted on here but seeing I figured since I'm still going through some stuff, and others might benefit from hearing my situation I decided to update: It's been several months since I first posted, and A LOT has changed. I've lost 50lbs, had a complete makeover (Had long hair, chopped it all off) and got my acting career on track. I've had a lot of work recently, and things have been going excellently. I'm still seeing a councilor every week to help me through life, and the situation that was dealt, and I've moved forward far more than I had ever imagined. In other words, things DO get better I have to admit though, I've still had the ex lingering in my mind. I've been in limited contact with her for the past several months, due to being in the same business and having several mutual friends. We've been friendly, but not TOO friendly. I've spent much time trying to keep focus on myself. About a week and a half ago, I was matched up with her profile on an online dating site (we even had a 98% match rate) It crushed me that I had to see her profile, especially since one of the pictures of her was one that I took but oh well. She hadn't logged into her account in two months either. I made the choice that it's time to get her out of my life for good so I can stop worrying about reconciliation. Fast forward to this week....She sends me a business related email with the "Hey you" greeting, and then told me we need to meet up for drinks next time she's in town and it would be good to catch up. Well, this has completely thrown me for a loop. It's EXACTLY what I've been wanting this whole time, and now that it's happening I have no idea how to even process it. I figured she was done with me. After all, she's mentioned many times she never stays friends with her exes. She still hasn't taken down pics of me on her social media sites. She's still kept me around for whatever reason (maybe a backup? I dunno) but I do find it amusing that I do this complete 180 and a few weeks later she mentions we need to have drinks. I'm not currently seeing anybody else, and as far as I know she's not either, otherwise I doubt she would ask to meet up. I feel I did the right thing by eliminating contact as much as possible, and sure enough she ends up being the one to initiate some sort of "catch up" Anybody have experience with something like this? I mean, this was the girl I thought I was going to marry, so I let her go to see if it was meant to be. I don't know if this is the sign that maybe she really IS the person I'm suppose to be and don't want to miss out on the opportunity if that is the case. Either way, I've reached a point in my life where I know I'm going to be just fine without her. I'm obviously a bit confused as to why she wants to meet up, but I can't overanalyze it too much....can I? Anyways, thoughts?
ravfour4 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Play it cool. Be yourself and don't try to restart the relationship - that is done and over with. Just enjoy each other's company and see what happens, go in with zero expectations. 1
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