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We've made real progress, but I don't know what else to do anymore.

RyanSmith

By RyanSmith
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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It would be much better if you told her just one more time what she means to you and that you're going NC and that she should only break it if she wants to work on the relationship. Then cut your ties. The ball is in her court. She can then choose to deal with her confusion and pride whichever way she wants.

 

 

Well I took my time last Tuesday before leaving work and wrote out a fairly long email letting her know everything that I wanted to say when I last saw her, but wasn't able to really get it all out, basically just telling her what I really thought of the whole situation, and that I was no longer going to be around to wait for her.

 

Usually I word everything really carefully so that she doesn't get all super upset or blow up because I said the wrong thing that she didn't like (completely ridiculous way to go about things by the way) but not in the email. It was probably the only time since all of this started that I actually completely spoke what was actually on my mind without tiptoeing around things and walking on eggshells about how just completely exhausted I am with dealing with all of the BS in the relationship and just simply couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't mean or rude or anything like that, but I was just simply 100% honest with her about how I felt and what was going on between us, without trying to sugar coat anything. Basically I just told her my side of the situation and told her if she thinks everything over and decides she wants to work things out together and is completely sure about it, she knew how to contact me and we would make it happen, but if not I wished her the best in life and said good bye.

 

At the very end I asked her if she'd consider letting me keep our dog, since reality is we both know he is much better off at my house. Her family has never really been fond of him, and on the other hand my family completely loves him. I told her that I knew going over to her house to drop the dog off/pick him up would only hold me back and keep me from completely moving on, so I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to keep doing that for the time being. I told her that she doesn't need to respond to me about anything else in the email because it really didn't make a difference and that the point of the email was not to get a response, but to say my side of things completely so that I could start moving on. After I told her she didn't need to respond to anything in the rest of the email, I asked her if she could do me and my family a favor and respond about letting me keep our dog, because my family also wants to keep him as well and they would also be waiting for a response on that.

 

She replied basically that she read everything but she was leaving to dinner with her family at the moment so she couldn't respond to everything else until later, and also that she would think about it giving me the dog and talk it over with her mom, and that she would let me know, but if she did decide to let my keep him that she would still want to see him every once in a while and we would have to figure something out with that. (-Just for reference, she said talk it over with her mom because originally when we first got the dog, it was her moms dog. That changed fairly quickly and he basically became mine and my girlfriends dog. I've taken him to all his vet appointments and things like that.) I replied telling her that's fine and that she could text me or text my mom letting us know what she decided with the dog.

 

And that was the last message between us and I'm not sure if she will ever give me an answer on the dog or not. I really did think she would let me know one way or the other about the dog because she knows how much my family loves him and they have never did a single thing wrong to her, so she wouldn't want to leave them hanging. But who knows really, maybe she really is still thinking about it, I don't know. I know the email completely shocked her and surprised her that I actually stood up for myself and told her everything, and it probably hurt to read what she has actually been doing to me over the passed few months. Maybe the email and asking about the dog has actually forced her to take a hard look at everything and finally deal with her issues so she can have some clarity in her life and not keep feeling confused. I really don't know anymore.

 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat waiting her hear back from her, but I am not hopeful for it anymore. I am not sure what happened to her but I hope she figures herself out, because she definitely isn't the person she was for the first ~3 and half years of our relationship. I wish I knew how to open her eyes and get her to see what's going on but unfortunately she has to do that for herself.

 

It's a hard thing to even comprehend for me but I know I have to move on with my life for the time being without her. If she opens her eyes and figures herself out and decides she wants to work things out, then we will deal with that if the time comes, but for now I know that I just need to heal and move on one day at a time.

 

 

 

Also, I just want to say- thank you for all the help everyone. Your advice has opened my eyes and made me realize that nothing I do will make her issues with running away from her problems get any better, and by trying to help her I've actually just been enabling her. The only way I can help her is to stop enabling her and show her what her actions will get her by moving on with my life without her.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Okay, here's the harsh reality as I see it. In your first post you stated that you got lazy and she ended it with you. She also said that she was "confused". Trust me when I say this, girls are only "confused" when it comes to their feelings about you and someone else. She had someone on the side.

 

 

She broke it off with you, probably went with this other guy and found out that he wasn't looking for a relationship. He just wanted to "hit it and quit it". She then started going out with girlfriends out to the clubs, dancing with other dudes, giving out her number and what not. Only to find out that it was fun, but not fulfilling. So, she went back to what was safe and secure.

 

 

But, after a time, she started to get bored again. Perhaps even started to have feelings for someone else at her work possibly. When you brought her Starbucks at work, most girls would have LOVED that gesture. Lets them know that you were thinking about them. Lets them know that you thought that she's been on her feet and tired and you were thoughtful enough to bring her a pick me up. Hell, at the beginning of last month, I sent my wife flowers to her work just because. I was her hero! The other girls were gushing over the gesture and wishing their boyfriends or husbands would send them flowers. I made her feel special. You bring her a kind gesture and she got angry about it. Makes me think that the dude that she's interested in works with her and he just witnessed her boyfriend bringing her coffee. So, it pissed her off.

 

 

Then, she tells you that she wants to start going out with her girlfriends again. You JUST got back together and are still working through things. Yet, she still needs to go out with the girls when you're both not in a spot where your relationship is totally healed. Dude, this girl isn't into you as you are of her.

 

 

To be honest, I think she's just cooling her heels until something else comes along. I hope I'm wrong, but things don't look good for you. I think it's time to move on.

Edited by Chi townD
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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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Okay, here's the harsh reality as I see it. In your first post you stated that you got lazy and she ended it with you. She also said that she was "confused". Trust me when I say this, girls are only "confused" when it comes to their feelings about you and someone else. She had someone on the side.

 

 

She broke it off with you, probably went with this other guy and found out that he wasn't looking for a relationship. He just wanted to "hit it and quit it". She then started going out with girlfriends out to the clubs, dancing with other dudes, giving out her number and what not. Only to find out that it was fun, but not fulfilling. So, she went back to what was safe and secure.

 

 

But, after a time, she started to get bored again. Perhaps even started to have feelings for someone else at her work possibly. When you brought her Starbucks at work, most girls would have LOVED that gesture. Lets them know that you were thinking about them. Lets them know that you thought that she's been on her feet and tired and you were thoughtful enough to bring her a pick me up. Hell, at the beginning of last month, I sent my wife flowers to her work just because. I was her hero! The other girls were gushing over the gesture and wishing their boyfriends or husbands would send them flowers. I made her feel special. You bring her a kind gesture and she got angry about it. Makes me think that the dude that she's interested in works with her and he just witnessed her boyfriend bringing her coffee. So, it pissed her off.

 

 

Then, she tells you that she wants to start going out with her girlfriends again. You JUST got back together and are still working through things. Yet, she still needs to go out with the girls when you're both not in a spot where your relationship is totally healed. Dude, this girl isn't into you as you are of her.

 

 

To be honest, I think she's just cooling her heals until something else comes along. I hope I'm wrong, but things don't look good for you. I think it's time to move on.

 

I have thought this through many, many times. It sucks that there is no way to know 100% for sure exactly what is going on, but this is definitely something I have thought about. I feel like I have always been able to read when she is not telling the truth about something, and when I asked her when we spoke in person if there was someone else, her response seemed completely 100% genuine when she said no, but there is no way to know for sure.

 

I do believe she is genuinely confused about what she wants from me and for us. She blames her confusion on being afraid of me getting lazy again and hurting her by ignoring all of the issues and letting things get bad again like I did originally, but her confusion might come from something completely different like you said.

 

I know for a fact she has never had the opportunity to actually feel what life is like without me and actually miss me, so I think that is my only option here now. If I go back and look at everything, losing her and feeling what life was like without her is actually the one single thing that actually made me look at how everything was and realize how lazy I had gotten and how much I was taking her for granted, so maybe the same thing will happen for her as well. I really don't know.

 

I just have to move on and not wait around for her anymore. One way or the other, whether she comes back or not, I still have to quit looking towards her and leaning on her in order to make myself happy. I have a lot of things going for me in life, and I have learned a lot through all of this. I know I will get better in time, I just have to stick to what I say and continue to move on without her.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Good, but the first thing you have to do is stop blaming yourself. This isn't your fault. I bet dollars to donuts that you weren't lazy. You got comfortable in the relationship and that happens to ALL relationships. The honeymoon phase of the relationship ends and you get comfortable with each other. THAT'S NORMAL!

 

 

Her blaming the demise of the relationship on you because you were "lazy" is just her excuse that she used to end it with you. She needed an excuse and that's what she used. Lord knows she wasn't going to own any blame on this. This is all about YOU and what YOU did or didn't do. Let me ask you this. Did she shoulder any blame on the end of the relationship? I seriously doubt it. She doesn't want to be the bad guy.

 

 

Dude, it wasn't your fault.

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fire_angel94 Member

fire_angel94

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All i can say is keep it up. I wished my boyfriend(now ex...as of today) would do those things for me like you did for her. He used to and he's gotten lazy now too. We fought over that on New Year's Eve but it ended up being me who was too needy.

 

Anyway, you've already figured yourself out. IMO if the girl is really into you, she would come back with no questions asked. Especially now that the initial issue has been resolved. I agree with the previous post which suggests that there could be someone on the side.

 

I would be thrilled if my boyfriend had come to deliver some Starbucks to me! He hardly ever leaves his house.

 

On the other hand, maybe she feels smothered. If she wants to go out with the girls try to respect that. I learnt in my past relationship that too much contact isn't good either. It hurts that you aren't the priority but you can't be the only one in her life.

 

I used to sit around at my boyfriend's place every day and we soon got really bored of being together because there wasn't much we could do together other than play games.

 

Well anyway, I feel like the magnitude of love you both had for each other were different. Move on for now and find someone who could love you just as you love them. And please find one who isn't confused about her feelings.

 

PS, to me her confusion about being let down in case u get lazy again, is just an excuse.

 

Good luck

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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On the other hand, maybe she feels smothered. If she wants to go out with the girls try to respect that. I learnt in my past relationship that too much contact isn't good either. It hurts that you aren't the priority but you can't be the only one in her life.

 

 

 

 

 

LOVED your post!

 

 

And I even agree with this! It's healthy to spend a little time apart. I would even encourage this. Or have some hobbies that are your own. You can respect each others hobbies, but have them separate. However, in this instance, I think it would have be wiser to still spend some time together while the fences still needed mending.

 

 

Other than that. Awesome post.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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Good, but the first thing you have to do is stop blaming yourself. This isn't your fault. I bet dollars to donuts that you weren't lazy. You got comfortable in the relationship and that happens to ALL relationships. The honeymoon phase of the relationship ends and you get comfortable with each other. THAT'S NORMAL!

 

 

Her blaming the demise of the relationship on you because you were "lazy" is just her excuse that she used to end it with you. She needed an excuse and that's what she used. Lord knows she wasn't going to own any blame on this. This is all about YOU and what YOU did or didn't do. Let me ask you this. Did she shoulder any blame on the end of the relationship? I seriously doubt it. She doesn't want to be the bad guy.

 

 

Dude, it wasn't your fault.

 

I know it wasn't all my fault. Trust me, I do honestly know that. She has admitted some of the blame, because she knows that there was no communication on her part. She held everything in and never allowed me to fix anything. She never told me anything was seriously wrong, only complained about certain things like if they were small issues, so I didn't realize what was really going on until it was too late.

 

I did get lazy though, there is no doubt about it. I wish I could go back, because some of the things I would or wouldn't do was just ridiculous and just completely taking her for granted, but I didn't do it on purpose. I was making mistakes and I didn't notice I was doing it at the time, and she never really let me know how much it was actually bothering her.

 

It has all been a learning experience for me, and I can honestly say that I have learned from my mistakes. I want to make things right with her but I can't do it alone, and I can't keep waiting around on her. It's hard to give up and walk away after all of the work but I don't know what other options I have.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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And I even agree with this! It's healthy to spend a little time apart. I would even encourage this. Or have some hobbies that are your own. You can respect each others hobbies, but have them separate. However, in this instance, I think it would have be wiser to still spend some time together while the fences still needed mending.

 

Oh we were definitely still spending time together. I honestly do believe that I started smothering her the past couple weeks. We were back to spending time together every day. Texting all day, talking on the phone at night, and spending time with each other pretty much daily. I was fine with her going out with her friends that night to dinner, because I knew that things were much better now and we had already made so much progress. But once things started getting bad I looked back and realized I was definitely too available to her, and was smothering her with attention. My life revolved around her, and that's where I went wrong. It sucks that you realize all of the small mistakes you're making when it's already too late.

 

I guess that says something about her though, if she can't understand that everyone is going to make mistakes and that she had someone in front of her that would have done anything, and changed anything necessary to make her feel loved and happy. All she had to do is talk to me about something she isn't happy with and we would have fixed it. If she felt smothered, she could have told me and I would have fixed it. At the first sign of something she didn't like she ran again.

 

This isn't the same girl I fell in love with anymore.. not even close. I saw that same girl over the past few weeks when things were rapidly improving between us, and it felt good. But for whatever reason that has changed and all I can do is accept it. It's crazy how just completely different she is. I wonder if she saw herself through someone else's eyes right now, how she would feel about it. I honestly just want her to be happy. I love her enough to let her go if I'm not the person that makes her happy.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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I think the hardest part in all of this is not the feeling like I lost my girlfriend, but feeling like I lost my best friend. She was the only person I've ever felt comfortable with enough to talk about anything and everything with. I've always had somewhat of an issue with getting close to people I think, but not her. The feeling that I lost my best friend is what hurts the most.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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Well... pretty much most of yesterday and this morning have been the hardest times so far. I miss her like crazy, and I just want to call her to talk to her, but I know I won't let myself. At least for the first time in all of this I actually feel like I will be able to resist the temptations of texting/calling her.

 

Before when I tried NC I would constantly battle myself to keep from texting/calling her and always ended up losing that battle after a couple days or so, but this time it just feels different. Although I want to text/call her, I know it won't make anything better or change anything, and in reality it will only make things worse.

 

I just want to stop spending 95% of my days with thoughts of her and all of this negative stuff in my head constantly. I know this isn't actually true, but it feels like I'll never be able to move on if all I do is constantly think about her. I know there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel but I can't see it yet, I guess time is the only thing that will change that.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I just want to stop spending 95% of my days with thoughts of her and all of this negative stuff in my head constantly. I know this isn't actually true, but it feels like I'll never be able to move on if all I do is constantly think about her. I know there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel but I can't see it yet, I guess time is the only thing that will change that.

 

All very normal. Feeling like you will never meet someone else. Feeling like you will never move on. Feeling like you'll never forget her. No relief because your mind is always going in circles. We've all been through those emotions. Only way to get past it is to go through it.

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to keep pushing through. It won't always be this way.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to keep pushing through. It won't always be this way.

 

That's what I have to keep reminding myself, but it definitely isn't easy. I hope this is the reality check she needs, but if not, then at least I'll know it just wasn't meant to be.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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Haven't spoken to her since I sent my email 15 days ago. I have to admit I am a bit let down by that, I figured I would have at least gotten an answer about the dog by now, but nothing. I don't know how long it will actually take for her to actually start feeling what life is like without me in it, or if it will even matter to her. It's a horrible feeling thinking that after so long together, so many amazing times, and now it seems she could care less whether I'm in her life or not. It makes you feel worthless.

 

I miss her more than I ever knew was even possible right now, and today has definitely been the worst so far. I read somewhere that at the two week mark of NC is usually when things start setting in for people, and I can definitely feel that today, but I hope she feels that as well. Any opinions on how long it takes for something like that to actually start setting in and becoming a reality for people?

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Different strokes for different folks. Also, it depends on how long you were together. It's usually easier for people to heal when the relationship is short term verse someone that was dating for years.

 

 

It's just going to take some time. No one ever said NC was easy. But, a lot have come back to say it was worth it.

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RyanSmith Member

RyanSmith

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Different strokes for different folks. Also, it depends on how long you were together. It's usually easier for people to heal when the relationship is short term verse someone that was dating for years.

 

 

It's just going to take some time. No one ever said NC was easy. But, a lot have come back to say it was worth it.

 

We were together for almost 4 years continually, never any breaks or anything like that.

 

A part of me feels like since we were young and got into the relationship with each just after high school, she may feel like she's missing out on "being single" and just going out with the girls and having fun, since she's never really had a chance to experience that. I had a pretty wild time during high school, so I have experienced most of that and I know what it's like so I don't have any desire for that, but since she has never experienced that maybe she feels like she might miss out on something. I wish I knew how she felt.

 

Any girls that have been through the same thing of being in a relationship when you're young and feeling like you might miss out on some experiences if you stay in the relationship? Did you get it out of your system and find out that you weren't missing out on anything and decide you made a mistake? Did you find out it was the greatest thing ever?

 

I realize I can't change a single thing about how she feels towards any of this, I guess I just feel like it would help if I was able to understand things a little bit better.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Well, again. Different folks for different folks. For me, I was ready to settle down at such a young age because I convinced myself that I found "the one".

 

 

Until I discovered that she was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she called me everything in the book. I was a loser, going nowhere in life...blah....blah...

 

 

So, I decided to re-invent myself to prove that she was wrong about me. I got new hobbies and I traveled the world and did well in my career. So, I didn't need to party, get drunk and high and sleep with several different people to feel that I was filling the void of all these "experiences" I was missing out on. I created new experiences that weren't self destructive. And to tell you the truth, they were more fulfilling and memorable.

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