We've made real progress, but I don't know what else to do anymore.

December 29, 2014

Hello everyone. Unfortunately I need some serious help with my situation. I am very confused/lost about what I should do to help me and my ex girlfriend figure things out together. I will try to explain things as best as I can, while also not making things too wordy and boring for someone to read through. However, I have a feeling this will be very long though, so sorry in advance. I can't stress how much I want things to work out between us, and I feel lost. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Here it goes----

So me and my ex-girlfriend of almost 4 years met on my 18th birthday, and she was 19 (I am now 22, and she is 23). We instantly hit it off, and things were honestly unbelievable now that I look back at it. We were deeply in love throughout our entire relationship. I know we were young, but I'm telling you, this was not your usual relationship. Things were amazing. We had our issues, but everything was always small and we could never stay mad at each other. We honestly were inseparable, beyond close with each other. We shared a connection like you see in the movies. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I guess you just have to see it to believe it.

Around the 3 year mark in our relationship, I think I started to get a bit lazy. I stopped doing all of the little things that mattered the most to her. I never made big mistakes, but I have to admit, I definitely got lazy and didn't even notice I was doing it at the time. She tried to talk to me about it many times (not directly telling me that I was being lazy, but kind of beating around the bush about it in a way. She has never been good at opening up and communicating, but she did try many times to talk to me about it in her own way.) Overall I ignored the talks, because I was simply too naive to see how lazy and just plain selfish I was being towards her. I have to admit, she did everything for the relationship. She gave her 100% of herself to me, and she was not getting the same in return. So after she tried many times to talk about the things that were bothering her, she started to hold it in and just stopped telling me about it completely.

So at the beginning of September (09/14) of this year, after a pretty big fight about something that I don't even remember(something small), her frustrations finally boiled over and she told me that she wanted to take a break. She said that everything is just too much to deal with for her at the moment, and she was extremely hurt and confused about how she felt. Unfortunately, this was finally the thing that made me wake up and see how unbelievably bad that I was taking her for granted.

I did what is probably expected. I begged, pleaded, cried, sent her flowers multiple times, wrote letters, everything. She was for the most part very cold-hearted towards me, even though there was moments when she was caring/compassionate. This girl has the biggest heart out of anyone I have ever met in my entire life, and she is honestly one of the nicest people I know, so it was a completely different girl that I was seeing after the breakup. I was very confused by this, because I know how real everything me and her had together was, and now it was just the complete opposite from her.

So over the next maybe month/month and a half, we stayed in contact, albeit because even though she was very cold most of the time, I didn't want to give up on her and I wanted to fix things. We went through a couple brief no-contact periods of maybe 5 days or a week, but for the most part stayed in contact. I guess you have to know her to understand it, but I sincerely feel no-contact is actually the wrong way to go about things with her. I know it is supposed to be for me to heal, but at the same time I didn't want to lose her. I slowly started to understand why things failed and what went wrong. A combination of me taking her for granted and being too young and naive to realize it, coupled with a lack of good communication and things that were once perfect, no longer were. I told her that I knew where I went wrong, and I explained to her that I was just too naive to realize it at the time, but things will be different and I wasn't going to give up on her. I told her that I would keep fighting for her, because she was worth it and I knew that me and her had something special that I couldn't just walk away from. Overall she wanted me to keep fighting, I guess as a way of proving how serious I was about making things work with her. Obviously I wasn't too serious towards the end of our relationship, so I think she seriously doubted how serious I was after the breakup about making things work. I also think she enjoyed having all of the power in the relationship, since she felt so powerless all throughout the last 6 months/year of our relationship.

So around the beginning/middle of November (11/14), things finally started to get better. We agreed to take things one day at a time, and just be friends for the moment and see where things would take us. It started out as just texting all day and talking on the phone at night, but it quickly progressed because of the connection me and her have. After maybe a week, we actually were spending time together again. Going out on dates, going to movies, things like that. Even though she was scared of how they would react, she even started spending time with my family again (my family and her are very, very close. She pretty much sees my mom as if she was her own.) We even got back to having a sexual relationship with each other, and you could just tell that she couldn't be any happier. It wasn't just an act, it was completely genuine and it was obvious. I was beyond happy that things were finally started to improve for us. We didn't talk about long term things yet, we just kept taking things day by day. We knew we needed to work on communication, so we kept a journal together because I felt it might be easier for her to talk to me about how shes feeling if she were able to just write it down. We wrote back and forth in it a few different times.

Because of how close me and her are and the connection we share, things progressed rather quickly. Around the middle of this month (12/14), it practically felt like we were together again. Spending time with each other daily, she even told me that things felt perfect, and that this is what she had always wanted from me, and she wished I would have done this sooner. We had conversations about marriage, and starting a family. She told me she wanted to spend her life with me, and that she was 100% committed to making things work. It felt perfect, like we were really going to make it through this. We had a serious conversation one day, and she told me that the reason it took a long time for her to finally give me a chance was because she is just so afraid of fully investing herself into the relationship again, and me letting her down and going back to how things used to be, and her getting hurt again. She was afraid of being vulnerable, so she put up all of these walls around herself, and that's why she was cold towards me. And she told me that she finally felt like she could let those walls down and commit herself again and that I wouldn't let her down and that I'd take care of her. And I would, I know I would never make the same mistakes again, because this girl is everything to me. However, she also told me she enjoyed going out with her girlfriends and not having to wonder if I'd be upset if she went with them, and things like that. I think she just thought it was nice to be able to do things with her girlfriends without having to let me know or say anything about it. I don't think I ever had a problem with her going out before, but I think she was just worried that it might have bothered me or something, because we practically did everything together. She also said that she was very confused about whether or not she wanted to put the effort into the relationship or not, because or how afraid she was of being hurt again, but that she is finally feeling like she is making the right decision and isn't so confused anymore.

So yea, basically we were back to spending time with each other daily, and things couldn't have been better in my eyes. Yea we had a few bumps/arguments, but who doesn't? That's going to happen, we both know that, its just the way that we deal with the arguments that will make the biggest differences. Things were good. On Thursday of last week, Christmas (actually supposed to be our 4 year anniversary) she came over and spent the afternoon with my family, and at night we went to see my Grandmother at her nursing home, who has recently had a massive stroke and has been struggling to pull through things. This was the first time that my girlfriend had been with me so see my Grandmother since her stroke, and I could tell that my grandmother was so happy to see her. My girlfriend even got kind of teary-eyed because she said it was very hard seeing my grandma like that because she had missed her a lot, and that it made her happy seeing that my grandma was so happy to see her. We went out to dinner after the visit with my grandma, and things felt absolutely perfect. I told her it felt like I was falling in love with her all over again, and she said she also felt the same thing.

Friday we had a good day, and she went out to dinner with a couple of her friends that night, and even called me when she got home and we talked on the phone for maybe a half hour about just random things/usual things.

Saturday morning things felt kind of weird. I called her while she was on her way to work, and I could just tell something was off, so I started to talk about what we were going to do that night, and that maybe we could go to a new restaurant or something like that. She gave kind of a "I don't know, I think I might go out with one of the girls again, but I'm not sure." answer and I'll admit, I got upset, and also a little scared. I said something back kind of like "Well if you haven't made plans with her yet how about we make some instead?" and her response was "because I don't know if she wants to go or not, I'm going to find out in a little." and I said something back like "Well I don't really want to be a plan B that you hang out with just because your other plan fails, if you don't want to do anything you could just tell me instead of leaving me on hold." and she just kind of stayed quiet on the other end of the phone. I asked her "You're acting weird, whats going on? Is everything okay? I don't want to get into an argument here." and her response was "Nothings wrong, I don't want to get into an argument either, but you keep pushing." I said back to her, "I know, I'm sorry for pushing, but I just love spending time with you and it's something I look forward to daily." and she didn't really say anything back. I asked her "Do you want me to back off?" and unfortunately her response was "Yea, a little." As you can imagine, this was a complete shock to me and it also hurt. Probably much more than it should of I guess, but I don't know. I responded "okay, I'll back off. Just text me then." And we said bye and that we loved each other and hung up.

I was scared that things were falling apart, but I felt like we had gotten far enough that one little incident would easily blow over and we'd be fine. I made the mistake of bringing her Starbucks to her job, and also going to pick up lunch for my family there as well (she works at a restaurant) that afternoon, thinking maybe the Starbucks might be a small gesture that makes her feel special. This was a huge mistake. She got upset that I went to her work after she asked me to back off a little, and I realized that the moment I tried speaking to her at her job. I didn't do it to piss her off, I did it to help the situation, but that definitely didn't go as planned. I got the food and told her I was sorry for going, and that I would give her space, and I left.

I didn't text her at all for the rest of the day, and I even went out with my friends that night to a couple of bars as well and had a pretty good time. I didn't want to sit at home feeling sad, so going out was definitely helpful with that.

The next day (Sunday), I texted her around 1 in the afternoon, telling her that I hoped she was having a good day at work and that I was going to be bringing our dog to her house later that night (we have sort-of like a shared dog. My family loves the dog, and so does hers, so we basically share him back and forth. Sounds kind of cheesy I know, but we both love the dog.) After maybe 30 or 45 minutes, she replied that she was very sorry, but she didn't want to do this anymore. For the most part, I was surprised at her response, somewhat devastated actually, but I kept myself together and remained calm, because I knew that just two days before we were happier than ever together, and that feelings don't just change overnight. I figured this was just another "I'm scared that I'm falling too far in love in this, and that I'm too vulnerable here and I'm at risk of getting hurt again" kind of things. I knew how good everything had been going, so knowing that made it a lot easier to stay calm. I basically replied to her letting her know that I wouldn't fight her or argue with her about it, and that I would respect her wishes if that's what she wanted, and that the rollercoaster of hot/cold feelings from her was started to be overwhelming. I said that I would bring our dog to her house later, say a few things that I thought should be said, and that I would respect her wishes.

So we talked at her house, I laid everything on the table, and basically told her everything I felt about what's been going on, and how I thought things were. And I told her that I couldn't keep chasing her around if she is going to run away every time she gets a little bit scared of feels vulnerable. I asked if there was someone else and asked her to please respect me enough to tell me the truth if their was, and she promised me there wasn't anything like that, and that she was just scared and confused. Basically I told her that I can't try to change how she's feeling anymore, that it is up to her to figure out where she wants things to go and stop being confused, and that if she runs away at any sign of conflict she'll be confused for the rest of her life, and that she had to understand that. I feel like it was a good heart-to-heart conversation that she actually listened to. I told her we could keep working on things one day at a time, or we could go our separate ways, but it was up for her to decide and that I wouldn't try to fight her about it anymore or change her mind. I told her if she would like to continue talking, that I would like that, but if not then that's fine as well.

We left on a good note, hugging each other, kissing each other, and telling each other "I love you, and I'm sorry for everything" basically. She asked me to text her letting her know I got home, and I agreed. When I got home, I didn't text her because I didn't want to deal with it at the moment, and she freaked out and called me 4 times and texted asking if I was okay, and I called her back saying I was fine but I just forgot my phone in the car when I got home and that I was going to go to sleep. She said okay and I asked if she wanted me to text her and she said yes, and we hung up. I didn't text her when we got off the phone, simply because I am fairly unhappy with her.

I'll say this, I know that I am too available to her. I want to hang out with her every day, and I asked her basically every day about doing something with each other. I love this girl more than I ever knew was even possible. I think I might have smothered her a bit, and that pushed her away again, so I am doing things to change that. I signed up for a gym pass this morning, and I am going to start going daily so I can find something else to do to fill my time when I am not at work, so that I am not constantly trying to hang out with her. I don't feel like she has any sort of "want" for me, because she knows that I am always asking about doing something, or trying to hang out. I feel like she is taking me for granted, and banking on the idea that she can just decide whenever she feels like it that "ehhh, things are getting kind of scary again, I'm scared I might be falling too far in love with him, I'm just going to run away again because I know he'll keep chasing me."

But I'm also scared that if I finally decide to say screw it and give up on her, that I will lose the girl that I would do anything for. I love her and I have fought daily for this for a while now, and its just a really scary thought to think that we've came this far for things to magically disappear overnight. We have a connection that is unlike anything I have ever seen anyone else have, and I don't even know how to explain how happy things have the potential of being. And I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but I guess you'd just have to see it to believe it.

She wasn't just acting the whole time, she wasn't acting when we went so see my grandma, I know that, so it is extremely confusing that things are back to this just a few days after being that good. This girl is extremely stubborn, and NC will only push her away in my opinion. I know that she wants to be with me, but I feel like she lets her own fears and insecurities about being vulnerable completely consume her and take over her entire thought process, but I don't know how to help her. I am a smart, logical person person, I deal with people extremely well, and I feel like I can read how people feel and figure out how to help them pretty good as well, but not her. I can't figure out what I can do in this situation anymore. On one hand I can dig in and put up with the crap and keep trying and not give up, or I can say screw it and give up and risk losing her for the rest of my life in order to get her to learn that she will also be confused about things if she runs away at every sign of trouble. I know that she is expecting me to continue pursuing her, so if I completely stop I know it will be a shock to her, but I am afraid that it will only make her feel like she's making the right decision because I gave up.

It's a very sad situation, I know. I have been contemplating seeking professional help with all of this, because I am just running out of options and ideas. I asked her a while back if she'd be up for going to counseling, and she said no, so that's out of the picture as well. I want things to work out between me and her more than anything else in the world, and honestly I know deep down that's exactly what she wants too, because she was sincerely telling me that just two days ago, but she lets her fears of being hurt completely consume her and dictate her decisions. I wish I knew what to say to her to get her to see that, but she has to accept that on her own.

We haven't spoken since she asked me to text her last night. I honestly feel like going NC will only push her away and confirm her fears, because this girl is really stubborn. But I also feel like if I continue contact she will continue taking me for granted and feeling like she can always just run for the hills and I'll still be chasing her. It's a strange feeling, I feel like finish like is so close, but we just keep hitting these speed bumps that I don't know how to move passed.

Again, I'm sorry for the length of all of this, I just really wanted to lay everything out so everything was clear. I feel like its hard to explain how close me and this girl really are with each other, but I guess you just have to see it to understand. I love this girl, and I don't want to lose her. I want to make things work with her, and I really need help figuring out what I can do here. I am doing new things starting today to keep myself busy so that I am not so available all the time to her and won't smother her, but she won't get the chance to see that if I completely give up and cut her off. I know usually everyone's first response is "Go NC...", and that might be the case here as well, and that's fine, I think I am strong enough to do that now, but I wanted to lay everything out accurately so that people could give their honest opinion on how to go about things. Again, any help is extremely appreciated here. I know many people have gone through similar things. I just feel like this girl is worth digging in and weathering the storm for, but I'm not sure how to help the situation anymore unfortunately.

December 29, 2014

But I'm also scared that if I finally decide to say screw it and give up on her, that I will lose the girl that I would do anything for. I love her and I have fought daily for this for a while now, and its just a really scary thought to think that we've came this far for things to magically disappear overnight.

One person can't fight for a relationship. It takes two.

We have a connection that is unlike anything I have ever seen anyone else have, and I don't even know how to explain how happy things have the potential of being. And I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but I guess you'd just have to see it to believe it.

Don't project. What you find valuable in your relationship, may not be the same for the other. Dumpees often make the mistake of idealizing the relationship, when infact, if it was that great, your partner would never consider leaving.

This girl is extremely stubborn, and NC will only push her away in my opinion.

No, NC will give you an answer. If she realizes your value, she'll be back. NC won't keep her away. If she never comes back, then that will be your answer. Her being stubborn doesn't justify you chasing her down.

I know that she wants to be with me, but I feel like she lets her own fears and insecurities about being vulnerable completely consume her and take over her entire thought process, but I don't know how to help her.

Again, don't project. If she wants to be with you she won't be saying she doesn't want to do this anymore. And whatever emotional issues she has, it isn't your responsibility to fix her. She has to fix herself.

I am a smart, logical person person, I deal with people extremely well, and I feel like I can read how people feel and figure out how to help them pretty good as well, but not her.

You can't see clarity when you are in an emotional fog.

I can't figure out what I can do in this situation anymore. On one hand I can dig in and put up with the crap and keep trying and not give up, or I can say screw it and give up and risk losing her for the rest of my life in order to get her to learn that she will also be confused about things if she runs away at every sign of trouble. I know that she is expecting me to continue pursuing her, so if I completely stop I know it will be a shock to her, but I am afraid that it will only make her feel like she's making the right decision because I gave up.

Translation: I'm going to cling because I'm scared to let go. If I go NC, and she never returns, I'm too afraid to accept that reality.

We haven't spoken since she asked me to text her last night. I honestly feel like going NC will only push her away and confirm her fears, because this girl is really stubborn. But I also feel like if I continue contact she will continue taking me for granted and feeling like she can always just run for the hills and I'll still be chasing her. It's a strange feeling, I feel like finish like is so close, but we just keep hitting these speed bumps that I don't know how to move passed.

It has nothing to do with her being stubborn, insecure, etc. You keep coming up with these justifications so that you can find reasons to hold on.

December 29, 2014

Don't project. What you find valuable in your relationship, may not be the same for the other. Dumpees often make the mistake of idealizing the relationship, when infact, if it was that great, your partner would never consider leaving.

But these are things she has recently said herself as well, and I mean recently as in like 4 or 5 days ago. Was she lying about it? Maybe, but these are things she has always said to me about us, none of it is new. I realize I am assuming some things about what she feels because I feel like I know her fairly well, but these are things she has very recently said herself as well, that's why the abrupt change is so confusing for me.

You can't see clarity when you are in an emotional fog.

I can understand that, I know I clearly haven't made the most logical decisions here with her, but it's difficult to look at things from a different perspective when you're so attached and invested in something.

Translation: I'm going to cling because I'm scared to let go. If I go NC, and she never returns, I'm too afraid to accept that reality.

As hard as it is to face it and admit it, I guess you're right about this. I'm scared if I walk away and give up I'll never hear from her again, and I'm scared that If it comes to that, I'll think "what if I did this instead..."

December 29, 2014

But these are things she has recently said herself as well, and I mean recently as in like 4 or 5 days ago. Was she lying about it? Maybe, but these are things she has always said to me about us, none of it is new. I realize I am assuming some things about what she feels because I feel like I know her fairly well, but these are things she has very recently said herself as well, that's why the abrupt change is so confusing for me.

Say and do are two different things. What she's said isn't being backed up by action. Infact what she's said was followed by telling you she doesn't want it anymore. You can analyze everything but when someone is telling you what you don't want to hear, listen.

As hard as it is to face it and admit it, I guess you're right about this. I'm scared if I walk away and give up I'll never hear from her again, and I'm scared that If it comes to that, I'll think "what if I did this instead..."

Look, she made the conscious choice to give you a second chance. She progressed with you and moved forward. For whatever reason, she's decided that she can't go forward. How much more chasing, fighting, waiting are you going to keep doing? At some point, your partner needs to fight for you as well.

If you walk away, it gives her the opportunity to feel the loss of you, it forces her to feel your absence and if she she realizes what she's lost -- she will be back, through hell and high water. But if you keep on standby, it only enables her current behavior and it doesn't push her to take a hard look as to whether she wants a relationship with you or not.

December 29, 2014

I have only one point to make:

If she wants some space, and she wants you to back off a bit, do it.

December 29, 2014

If you walk away, it gives her the opportunity to feel the loss of you, it forces her to feel your absence and if she she realizes what she's lost -- she will be back, through hell and high water. But if you keep on standby, it only enables her current behavior and it doesn't push her to take a hard look as to whether she wants a relationship with you or not.

This is what I have to remember to keep telling myself. I know that I have only been enabling her actions so far, it is just hard to walk away. She hasn't had the chance to really feel alone and like I am actually gone through any of this. The couple times we went NC before were always prefaced with "We should give each other space, we'll talk again in a week or so when things cool off a little...." so it wouldn't feel like things were done for good. She has said many times as well that she doesn't want things to be done for good, and that she is just confused, but what is she doing to correct that? Nothing. She hasn't had to face anything because she knows I'll be there. I just hoped that there was another way to get her to open her eyes and see what's going on right in front of her besides completely cutting her off and letting go.

It's very frustrating and hard to deal with but it is what it is.

December 29, 2014

The gym is a good idea to spend some of your time , maybe spend more time with your friends ,been available all the time for her isnt working so maybe if you are busy she will start to worry she might lose you

December 29, 2014

She has said many times as well that she doesn't want things to be done for good, and that she is just confused, but what is she doing to correct that? Nothing. She hasn't had to face anything because she knows I'll be there.

And the longer you stay there on standby, the longer she leans on her "confusion" crutch. Plus, this isn't a new and young relationship. You've been together for years and if after all this time she's confused, it's rather telling. I have to wonder if she wants out, is afraid to be alone but keeps you on the backburner while she transitions her way to the other side.

I just hoped that there was another way to get her to open her eyes and see what's going on right in front of her besides completely cutting her off and letting go.

No other way. She has to come to terms with her own decision. You can't force, push, nudge, pester -- or work that out for them. She has to open her own eyes.

December 29, 2014

I have to wonder if she wants out, is afraid to be alone but keeps you on the backburner while she transitions her way to the other side.

This was my thought after the first couple weeks after the breakup, but when things started to get better I started to think maybe she really was just confused about how she was feeling. But now here we are again, so who knows? I know that she hasn't had to actually feel alone once in this whole situation, she has always known I'd be there for her. So I guess the only way she'll ever have to face the reality of this situation is to take away her options. I just have to stick with that and not go back on what I say. She has had all of the power over everything in this whole situation, I hate it. I guess I can't expect a different result if I continue doing the same things, I just wasn't sure that I've done everything I can besides NC to salvage things, but obviously I can't do it alone.

December 29, 2014

Be upfront with her. Tell her you want her and you want a relationship with her and you're wanting to put 100% to make this work but you cannot sit back and be in a semi, not sure, maybe situation with her. Tell her that it's a difficult situation for you to be in when you want what you cannot have and sitting back waiting for maybe/if/when she decides to chose you is emotionally painful. You ask for space and no contact for awhile. It allows you some relief from the anxiety and hurt and it also will give you some control and clarity in your life.

December 29, 2014

Be upfront with her. Tell her you want her and you want a relationship with her and you're wanting to put 100% to make this work but you cannot sit back and be in a semi, not sure, maybe situation with her. Tell her that it's a difficult situation for you to be in when you want what you cannot have and sitting back waiting for maybe/if/when she decides to chose is emotionally painful. You ask for space and no contact for awhile. It allows you some relief from the anxiety and hurt and it also will give you some control and clarity in your life.

I told her most of this last night in the conversation we had when I took our dog over, with the exception being I didn't ask for space and no contact, I just left it up to her basically saying that it was up to her where things were going to go.

But she did ask me to text her last night after I got off the phone with her when I got home, and I haven't yet, so maybe the thought of me being gone has already started in her head.. or maybe she doesn't really care either way, but I highly doubt that. I find it hard to believe that her feelings for everything changed overnight, that's why it's so frustrating that she's back to the "confused" stuff. Not texting her last night should be good enough to let her know that I want my own space from this right? Or should I text her and let her know that I want some space for a while?

While we talked last night she cried the whole time, and it's just like "Really? What are you even crying about? This is what you want, why cry about it???" but I know it isn't easy for her either. She also feels bad for doing this again, but I don't think she knows what she wants, and she hasn't had to make a decision because I am always there waiting. I think she just really needs to sit down and think about things and stop running from her problems, and she'll realize what's right in front of her. But I have to accept that I can't make her do that, she has to do it on her own. Maybe disappearing completely will push her to have that conversation with herself, I don't know.

December 29, 2014

Not texting her last night should be good enough to let her know that I want my own space from this right? Or should I text her and let her know that I want some space for a while?

You should text her and tell her what you need.

While we talked last night she cried the whole time, and it's just like "Really? What are you even crying about? This is what you want, why cry about it???" but I know it isn't easy for her either. She also feels bad for doing this again, but I don't think she knows what she wants, and she hasn't had to make a decision because I am always there waiting. I think she just really needs to sit down and think about things and stop running from her problems, and she'll realize what's right in front of her. But I have to accept that I can't make her do that, she has to do it on her own. Maybe disappearing completely will push her to have that conversation with herself, I don't know.

Eh, the crying. Most times they do this because they're feeling guilt so they present tears to soften the blow and to make it look like they're hurting as well. I've had relationships with the "confused" and they cry and do the whole woe is me. Most times it's coming from a place of not being able to have the courage to just end it.

December 29, 2014

You should text her and tell her what you need

But would that be more effective for what I'm trying to achieve with getting her to think "maybe he really is gone, maybe I should sit down and look at things before it's too late" rather than just leaving it and walking away without saying anything? Either way I am prepared to not speak with her, but it just seems like disappearing with no explanation will force her to actually deal with reality instead of running from it. It seems like if I actually told her "I need space." that she'll take that as "He's going away for a while but he'll be back." I'm not trying to play mind games with her, but at the same time she needs to take things seriously and deal with her feelings as well.

December 29, 2014

But would that be more effective for what I'm trying to achieve with getting her to think "maybe he really is gone, maybe I should sit down and look at things before it's too late" rather than just leaving it and walking away without saying anything? Either way I am prepared to not speak with her, but it just seems like disappearing with no explanation will force her to actually deal with reality instead of running from it. It seems like if I actually told her "I need space." that she'll take that as "He's going away for a while but he'll be back." I'm not trying to play mind games with her, but at the same time she needs to take things seriously and deal with her feelings as well.

That is why I said to be upfront with her and tell her what you need. Tell her you need strict NC then and that she should only contact you if she truly wants to work on the relationship. That way she knows the deal and she can't break NC for la dee dah reasons and she knows that the ball is seriously in her court and that you're not playing backburner boy to her confusion anymore.

December 29, 2014

Take some time to read around here a bit and you will see yours is not only not unique. It's down right common. Read, read and read some more. You will see...

December 29, 2014

That is why I said to be upfront with her and tell her what you need. Tell her you need strict NC then and that she should only contact you if she truly wants to work on the relationship. That way she knows the deal and she can't break NC for la dee dah reasons and she knows that the ball is seriously in her court and that you're not playing backburner boy to her confusion anymore.

^This^ is good advice.

December 30, 2014

That is why I said to be upfront with her and tell her what you need. Tell her you need strict NC then and that she should only contact you if she truly wants to work on the relationship. That way she knows the deal and she can't break NC for la dee dah reasons and she knows that the ball is seriously in her court and that you're not playing backburner boy to her confusion anymore.

I do think this is the best thing, I don't think she ever takes me seriously when I tell her I've had enough, because frankly I have said it multiple times now without any real action.

However I did tell her basically exactly what you're saying I should text her and say when I spoke with her face to face Sunday night, so I think texting her again saying basically the same thing again will only be seen by her as "He already said that, he's probably still on the hook like he usually would be, why else would he text me the same thing?" So I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I haven't talked to her since Sunday, and I can already tell you that this is unusual for me. I think she counts on me saying "I'm done I don't want to wait around for you anymore", and then still talking to her and chasing, so hopefully the silence from my side has already made her think a little bit.

But who knows what she's thinking honestly. I know last Thursday and Friday were not just acts on her part, because she wouldn't have ever agreed to go see my grandma if she wasn't serious. She also was doing all kinds of subtle little things for the past few weeks now that wouldn't have been happening if it was all just an act. You know, just subconscious little things that you do without even thinking about with someone you love.

It's hard to be helpless in the whole situation and not be able to say or do anything to help her out. She's obviously confused about how she feels because feelings don't just disappear overnight, and the hardest part I think is feeling helpless in being able to help her figure things out for herself. I guess I'm not completely helpless in the situation though, I can help her by showing her what her actions are causing and quit enabling her. I guess I had just hoped there would be an easier way.

Dreading New Years Eve/New Years because we always spent it together, but it is what it is. Pretty much all of my friends are in couples too- in terrible relationships at that, somehow making it through about 15 breakups already, which I don't want to be around on New Years either, but oh well. I need to stay positive and focused, and stick with what I said so that she has no choice but to face the facts about everything.

December 30, 2014

Take some time to read around here a bit and you will see yours is not only not unique. It's down right common. Read, read and read some more. You will see...

I've noticed this after reading around a bit more. I guess I wasn't really relating my situation to others because I wasn't finding one that was exactly alike, but after reading around a bit more I can definitely see how similar it is to a lot of peoples.

I still feel like what me and this girl had was not just your normal "something special", because things really were just amazing, and anyone who knew us could see that. It's hard to explain I guess. But obviously we have some serious underlying issues that we haven't dealt with or we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

December 30, 2014

I do think this is the best thing, I don't think she ever takes me seriously when I tell her I've had enough, because frankly I have said it multiple times now without any real action.

However I did tell her basically exactly what you're saying I should text her

I believe you said everything EXCEPT that you want NC and that she should only contact you if she wants to work on the relationship. I think you don't have it in you to say that because makes it final and you are not ready. So, you'll just sit there and wait for next contact, because she will contact you and start the same cycle again. Analyzing contact and seeking help in terms how to proceed.

I know last Thursday and Friday were not just acts on her part, because she wouldn't have ever agreed to go see my grandma if she wasn't serious. She also was doing all kinds of subtle little things for the past few weeks now that wouldn't have been happening if it was all just an act. You know, just subconscious little things that you do without even thinking about with someone you love.

Ryan, if you have been on here long enough and read enough threads, what she did is nothing out of the ordinary. It happens all the time. Things are great -- we had a great vacation together but when we got home he ended it, we had a great time with my family but the next day he told me it was over, he said he wanted to marry me and start a life together but he was cheating, etc. -- people can put on a face even when inside they're contemplating ending it with you. In essence, people will and can act.

It's hard to be helpless in the whole situation and not be able to say or do anything to help her out. She's obviously confused about how she feels because feelings don't just disappear overnight, and the hardest part I think is feeling helpless in being able to help her figure things out for herself. I guess I'm not completely helpless in the situation though, I can help her by showing her what her actions are causing and quit enabling her. I guess I had just hoped there would be an easier way.

Feelings didn't dissappear overnight. It was slowly getting to the point of her accepting that she doesn't want it anymore. Dumpers don't make the decision overnight. They ponder and think about it way before the ending happens.

Dreading New Years Eve/New Years because we always spent it together, but it is what it is. Pretty much all of my friends are in couples too- in terrible relationships at that, somehow making it through about 15 breakups already, which I don't want to be around on New Years either, but oh well. I need to stay positive and focused, and stick with what I said so that she has no choice but to face the facts about everything.

I hope you stay strong.

December 30, 2014

I hope you stay strong.

Made the mistake of going on her instagram just now, and she deleted about 30 pictures we had of us on there. Damn that hurt. I don't know how to interpret it... I don't know if its an attempt to get a rise out of me (which I have to admit, she knows 100% this is EXACTLY the one thing she could do right now to get me to flip out and start contacting her again, because we have kind of talked about this before... throughout everything we still had all of the pictures going back almost 3 years on our instagrams...) or if she's doing it because she's also serious things just being done. I want to call her right now so bad, but I know I shouldn't.

I keep wondering if she really wants to make things better, but she has too much pride to go back on what she has said and feels like she would be making herself look weak. I know that would be ridiculous for her to think like that, but I also think it's ridiculous to lose her over something stupid like that.

I don't know about anything anymore, this is the absolute worst feeling I could imagine. I'm not sure what to do to move on from this girl. I've lost my best friend, she really was the only person I felt like I could really open up to, and talk about anything with. I wish I could just snap myself out of this.

December 30, 2014

When your emotions are all over the place and you have a strong urge to do something, the best course of action is usually counterintuitive... do nothing.

I pulled my hair out in NC for a long time, but now I can say, thank god I never sent a single one of those letters I wrote.

Some day later, you will thank yourself. If you do nothing, you can't screw anything up. It sounds like you both need space massively.

December 30, 2014

Made the mistake of going on her instagram just now, and she deleted about 30 pictures we had of us on there. Damn that hurt. I don't know how to interpret it... I don't know if its an attempt to get a rise out of me (which I have to admit, she knows 100% this is EXACTLY the one thing she could do right now to get me to flip out and start contacting her again, because we have kind of talked about this before... throughout everything we still had all of the pictures going back almost 3 years on our instagrams...) or if she's doing it because she's also serious things just being done. I want to call her right now so bad, but I know I shouldn't.

I keep wondering if she really wants to make things better, but she has too much pride to go back on what she has said and feels like she would be making herself look weak. I know that would be ridiculous for her to think like that, but I also think it's ridiculous to lose her over something stupid like that.

I don't know about anything anymore, this is the absolute worst feeling I could imagine. I'm not sure what to do to move on from this girl. I've lost my best friend, she really was the only person I felt like I could really open up to, and talk about anything with. I wish I could just snap myself out of this.

It's really very simple, Ryan. We play mental gymnastics trying to decipher their every move when it's quite straightforward.

She KNOWS you want her back. She KNOWS you want a relationship with her. She KNOWS you will do whatever it takes to be with her. Infact you told her these exact things, maybe not in those words but you've relayed your intentions and she knows that you want her back in your life again.

She doesn't have to play games to get you back. She can get you back anytime. She doesn't lose her "pride" if she wants you back. She infact wins. She knows all this. It's very simple.

Game playing does not equate to wanting you back. So don't speculate as to what tossing 30 photos mean because at the end of the day, if she really wanted a relationship with you, she'd be saving those 30 pictures and wanting a fresh start.

December 30, 2014

She doesn't have to play games to get you back. She can get you back anytime. She doesn't lose her "pride" if she wants you back. She infact wins. She knows all this. It's very simple.

I hear what you're saying, and I understand. I am really not trying to be difficult or hard headed, but she told me herself that her pride and not wanting to feel like she made the wrong decision, or like she would be going back on what she has said, was always another factor that added to the month/month and a half that things were really bad after the breakup. It's petty and ridiculous, but that's her. I know I shouldn't have to deal with that, but is it worth losing everything over? I guess if its worth losing everything over for her, it should be to me too, but unfortunately I have a hard time convincing myself it is.

That's where I got that idea from about her having too much pride to contact me. Maybe she was lying when she originally said it, but I don't see why she would.

She didn't delete me on instagram, but I feel like when she wakes up this morning to no messages/calls from me, and also sees that I deleted the pictures from mine as well she will probably freak out a little and delete me to try to get a rise out of me with that, or post up some stupid quote or something like that that she knows will get to me. It's all petty and sad.

I guess I probably should delete her first, but I am scared of never having the option to go look at her page if I miss her or something. Its embarrassing and sad to even say that, I know. Feeling pretty lousy right now.

December 30, 2014

but she told me herself that her pride and not wanting to feel like she made the wrong decision, or like she would be going back on what she has said, was always another factor that added to the month/month and a half that things were really bad after the breakup. It's petty and ridiculous, but that's her.

It's immature, illogical and dysfunctional. If she has all these issues in her head, then she really doesn't need to be roping someone onto her rollercoaster.

You're not a puppet nor are you a mindreader. She needs to grow up and make decisions and stop playing cat and mouse games. Who knows what sort of kicks and giggles she gets out of behaving this way but someone's emotional and mental health is at stake. And if your wellbeing means that much to her, she will quit the fence sitting.

I know I shouldn't have to deal with that, but is it worth losing everything over? I guess if its worth losing everything over for her, it should be to me too, but unfortunately I have a hard time convincing myself it is.

Then sit on that fence with her.

That's where I got that idea from about her having too much pride to contact me. Maybe she was lying when she originally said it, but I don't see why she would.

If she's more concerned about her pride than being with someone she loves, she's got some issues. Or maybe it's just another excuse.

She didn't delete me on instagram, but I feel like when she wakes up this morning to no messages/calls from me, and also sees that I deleted the pictures from mine as well she will probably freak out a little and delete me to try to get a rise out of me with that, or post up some stupid quote or something like that that she knows will get to me. It's all petty and sad.

No, it's all game playing.

I guess I probably should delete her first, but I am scared of never having the option to go look at her page if I miss her or something. Its embarrassing and sad to even say that, I know. Feeling pretty lousy right now.

I don't know who should delete what first. If you're doing it to get a rise out of her, then don't. It would be much better if you told her just one more time what she means to you and that you're going NC and that she should only break it if she wants to work on the relationship. Then cut your ties. The ball is in her court. She can then choose to deal with her confusion and pride whichever way she wants.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Zahara

December 30, 2014

I've noticed this after reading around a bit more. I guess I wasn't really relating my situation to others because I wasn't finding one that was exactly alike, but after reading around a bit more I can definitely see how similar it is to a lot of peoples.

I still feel like what me and this girl had was not just your normal "something special", because things really were just amazing, and anyone who knew us could see that. It's hard to explain I guess. But obviously we have some serious underlying issues that we haven't dealt with or we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Everyone comes here thinking their situation is different, but it isn't. The specifics may be different to some degree, but the general patterns of how people behave is very similar.

People were so shocked when my ex and I broke up. They thought we had something different and special too. Those are just common statements that people throw out there. I can understand YOU feeling it was very special because you were the one in love, but we often project our feelings onto others. We only have ourselves as a point of reference, so it's only natural to think the other person feels the same way. It's not logical though.

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