Infidelity in a sexless marriage

[insert_name]

It looks like hes been hit with a list of conditions in order for her to stay. So she sees herself as totally in the right. There has been no discussion about sex or any concession on her part as to the amount of intimacy he gets. Marriage counselling is not on the agenda.

 

I think hes going to put it with it, for the sake of his access to his child. He said if it wasnt for the kid then he would be walking right now.

 

What a desperate situation, I shudder to think how this will pan out long term.

 

The thing I take from this is to always be sure who you are marrying, I never thought they suited each other personality and temperament wise and rushed into marriage and kids far too early.

[oldshirt]

It looks like hes been hit with a list of conditions in order for her to stay. So she sees herself as totally in the right. There has been no discussion about sex or any concession on her part as to the amount of intimacy he gets. Marriage counselling is not on the agenda.

 

I think hes going to put it with it, for the sake of his access to his child. He said if it wasnt for the kid then he would be walking right now.

 

What a desperate situation, I shudder to think how this will pan out long term.

 

The thing I take from this is to always be sure who you are marrying, I never thought they suited each other personality and temperament wise and rushed into marriage and kids far too early.

 

If he stays, he has no right to bitch either at this point. He knows she's not into him and does not have a sexual desire for him.

 

His infidelities may possibly stimulate some kind of primitive competitive desire for him and briefly stimulate some activity but the chances are more likely that this will shut her down for good and their sex life will be permanently over.

 

If he chooses to stay and live that, that is his choice as well.

[autumnnight]

It looks like hes been hit with a list of conditions in order for her to stay. So she sees herself as totally in the right. There has been no discussion about sex or any concession on her part as to the amount of intimacy he gets. Marriage counselling is not on the agenda.

 

I think hes going to put it with it, for the sake of his access to his child. He said if it wasnt for the kid then he would be walking right now.

 

What a desperate situation, I shudder to think how this will pan out long term.

 

The thing I take from this is to always be sure who you are marrying, I never thought they suited each other personality and temperament wise and rushed into marriage and kids far too early.

 

Actually, this is another reason - outside of the moral aspect - that I think cheating is a bad idea. No matter how selfish a spouse may have been, once the other spouse cheats, the BS is basically absolved of all marital responsibility. All that matters is the cheating. So if a starved spouse wants to have a leg to stand on, they need to stay faithful. Otherwise all of their pain goes out the window once they stray.

[oldshirt]

It looks like hes been hit with a list of conditions in order for her to stay. So she sees herself as totally in the right. There has been no discussion about sex or any concession on her part as to the amount of intimacy he gets. Marriage counselling is not on the agenda.

 

.

 

Then that is just dumbness and buffoonness on his part.

[goodyblue]

Actually, this is another reason - outside of the moral aspect - that I think cheating is a bad idea. No matter how selfish a spouse may have been, once the other spouse cheats, the BS is basically absolved of all marital responsibility. All that matters is the cheating. So if a starved spouse wants to have a leg to stand on, they need to stay faithful. Otherwise all of their pain goes out the window once they stray.

 

This is true in the eyes of the bs. After so many years my guy no longer cared. He was interested in protecting his reputation and assets, that's it. For him the marriage was over, it didn't matter what she thought anymore and just wanted out.

[insert_name]

My friend has been told to cut contact with his friends that knew (ive been unfriended from facebook), hes been told its going to take him years of hard work to get back to where they were (which wasnt good in the first place) and years before she can even contemplate having sex with him again. When he tried to bring up about his needs not being met she told him he was being immature and he should put his family before his own needs. She seems to be looking at it purely from how it affects her as she told him that she doesnt need sex, implying if she doesnt need it then he should be able to go without it as well. She has refused to acknowledge it as an issue. Its all on him. He needs to change, she doesnt.

 

Needless to say, I dont think she is handling this well at all. They both need to work on getting the spark back into the relationship, because of his cheating she has the perfect excuse not to improve and shes now demanding a courtship phase where he has to work hard for the benefit of a woman who has no drive and is happy stagnating in front of the TV every night.

[central]

Of course it's better to leave than cheat - and leaving is what I did when faced with a sexless marriage. However, if I had cheated (and I had opportunity), it would have been an exit affair with no remorse and no chance of reconciliation, and any pain and suffering it caused her would have been earned. I took the high road though, and don't regret it. I do regret not leaving much earlier than I did.

[oldshirt]

My friend has been told to cut contact with his friends that knew (ive been unfriended from facebook), hes been told its going to take him years of hard work to get back to where they were (which wasnt good in the first place) and years before she can even contemplate having sex with him again. When he tried to bring up about his needs not being met she told him he was being immature and he should put his family before his own needs. She seems to be looking at it purely from how it affects her as she told him that she doesnt need sex, implying if she doesnt need it then he should be able to go without it as well. She has refused to acknowledge it as an issue. Its all on him. He needs to change, she doesnt.

 

Needless to say, I dont think she is handling this well at all. They both need to work on getting the spark back into the relationship, because of his cheating she has the perfect excuse not to improve and shes now demanding a courtship phase where he has to work hard for the benefit of a woman who has no drive and is happy stagnating in front of the TV every night.

 

Your friend is simply a dope.

 

And a spineless dope at that. Show him Central's post immediately above and tell him if he's gonna cheat to do it like Central laid out. Use it as an exit affair, enjoy the poontang and get a feel for what it is like to be alive again and use it for the strength and motivation to move on.

 

You'd think it would show him what he was missing and that he couldn't get out of there soon enough.

 

Tell your friend to sit down with an attorney and get a realistic picture of what his post-divorce life will be like. I think a lot of guys have a real distorted view of custody arrangements these days. This ain't your Daddy's custody and alimony judgements any more.

 

Unless there is abuse, addiction or criminal neglect, some form of shared custody is the norm these days and spousal support for life is usually a thing of the past as well.

 

I think if he were to educate himself on what a divorce would really entail, he wouldn't fear it so much.

 

I don't want to divorce and disrupt my family either but if my wife acted like that

She'd be talking to the back of my head as I was heading to the lawyers office.

[BetrayedH]

If someone can't find it in themselves to love up their partner in a year, then they waive their right to exclusivity.

 

Look, having suffered a sexless marriage for too long, I get the sentiment here. It isn't remotely right to unilaterally decide to end your spouse's sex life.

 

But is there no other choice besides lying and betrayal? I'm clearly on the record for issuing ultimatums to depriving spouses but I'm just not down for it bring a free pass to hide and cheat.

 

Having been on the receiving end of both of these scenarios, having been lied to and cheated on for a year was far worse than the sexless marriage problems.

[Sassy Girl]

My friend has been told to cut contact with his friends that knew (ive been unfriended from facebook), hes been told its going to take him years of hard work to get back to where they were (which wasnt good in the first place) and years before she can even contemplate having sex with him again. When he tried to bring up about his needs not being met she told him he was being immature and he should put his family before his own needs. She seems to be looking at it purely from how it affects her as she told him that she doesnt need sex, implying if she doesnt need it then he should be able to go without it as well. She has refused to acknowledge it as an issue. Its all on him. He needs to change, she doesnt.

 

Needless to say, I dont think she is handling this well at all. They both need to work on getting the spark back into the relationship, because of his cheating she has the perfect excuse not to improve and shes now demanding a courtship phase where he has to work hard for the benefit of a woman who has no drive and is happy stagnating in front of the TV every night.

 

This is why I will walk away from my marriage if Im found out.

 

I dont have it in me to do the 2-5 years work where he can preach to me from the moral highground about how terrible a wife I've been while he has neglected our marriage for years, just to go back to a marriage that was miserable.

 

The only reason I haven't left is because my children adore us both and are happier with us both in the house.

[TheGuard13]

My friend has been told to cut contact with his friends that knew (ive been unfriended from facebook), hes been told its going to take him years of hard work to get back to where they were (which wasnt good in the first place) and years before she can even contemplate having sex with him again. When he tried to bring up about his needs not being met she told him he was being immature and he should put his family before his own needs. She seems to be looking at it purely from how it affects her as she told him that she doesnt need sex, implying if she doesnt need it then he should be able to go without it as well. She has refused to acknowledge it as an issue. Its all on him. He needs to change, she doesnt.

 

Needless to say, I dont think she is handling this well at all. They both need to work on getting the spark back into the relationship, because of his cheating she has the perfect excuse not to improve and shes now demanding a courtship phase where he has to work hard for the benefit of a woman who has no drive and is happy stagnating in front of the TV every night.

 

And I'm sure the affair is her justification for all this controlling, borderline abusive behavior?

 

Ugh.

 

Regardless of his actions, she sounds really immature and selfish.

 

I feel for him to a point, but there's no way I would stay in that kind of hell. Kids or no kids.

Edited December 30, 2014 by TheGuard13

[BetrayedH]

This is why I will walk away from my marriage if Im found out.

 

I dont have it in me to do the 2-5 years work where he can preach to me from the moral highground about how terrible a wife I've been while he has neglected our marriage for years, just to go back to a marriage that was miserable.

 

The only reason I haven't left is because my children adore us both and are happier with us both in the house.

 

I think the problem with this (other than the morality of it, if you will) is that the children may be MUCH worse off if you are discovered and have a hellacious divorce.

 

While my children are ok after their parents' divorce, it's probably only because I sheltered them entirely from the affair. Can you count on your H doing the same? It seems a huge risk for your children (a risk that they may hate you forever - fair or not) when you could do a more amiable divorce instead and justify your position for leaving if and when it becomes necessary. Meant gently, right now it seems you are taking a huge risk with them for the sake of yourself. That will be a difficult position to defend.

[Sassy Girl]

I think the problem with this (other than the morality of it, if you will) is that the children may be MUCH worse off if you are discovered and have a hellacious divorce.

 

While my children are ok after their parents' divorce, it's probably only because I sheltered them entirely from the affair. Can you count on your H doing the same? It seems a huge risk for your children (a risk that they may hate you forever - fair or not) when you could do a more amiable divorce instead and justify your position for leaving if and when it becomes necessary. Meant gently, right now it seems you are taking a huge risk with them for the sake of yourself. That will be a difficult position to defend.

 

BetrayedH Ive read your story and I actually respect your view.

 

Yes, Ive considered this. To be honest, I dont believe my H will be surprised if I am found out. We recently separated for a short time and I swore then I was done. For some INSANE reason I let him back into the house. Mainly it was because my children were missing him terribly because despite all his faults as a husband and life partner, he is a good Dad and the only one they have.

 

That being said, we have already discussed details of what a separation would look like. We have had numerous discussions about my issues with the marriage. He knows I wanted an open marriage. He knows I have threatened to find it somewhere else. His family have told him to change his attitude or he will lose his marriage. I believe none of it will come as a surprise, IF we are found out, and he knows the marriage died long ago due to his own laziness, and Im just putting the final nail in the coffin. He'll likely kick his own @ss, as well as my own. As well he should.

 

My whole family is rife with infidelity. Both my parents cheated, as did my father in law. I see how its handled, and how its affected our relationships and why. I'm aware of the risks. I mitigate them as best I can. I know its not ideal...but it is what it is.

[No Limit]

Well it certainly isn't a surprise in a sexless marriage. The only thing I don't understand is why you wouldn't talk to your partner about it. I'm also amazed that the one - alright, mostly it's the wives shutting down sexually - who stops the sex has the audacity to demand that their partner quit one of their most primal needs just because they don't want to satisfy it. Heck, I wouldn't even call obligatory roll-over-and-wait-2-minutes sex.

 

You shouldn't be forced to sex, but you also shouldn't be forced to never have sex again.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH Ive read your story and I actually respect your view.

 

Yes, Ive considered this. To be honest, I dont believe my H will be surprised if I am found out. We recently separated for a short time and I swore then I was done. For some INSANE reason I let him back into the house. Mainly it was because my children were missing him terribly because despite all his faults as a husband and life partner, he is a good Dad and the only one they have.

 

That being said, we have already discussed details of what a separation would look like. We have had numerous discussions about my issues with the marriage. He knows I wanted an open marriage. He knows I have threatened to find it somewhere else. His family have told him to change his attitude or he will lose his marriage. I believe none of it will come as a surprise, IF we are found out, and he knows the marriage died long ago due to his own laziness, and Im just putting the final nail in the coffin. He'll likely kick his own @ss, as well as my own. As well he should.

 

My whole family is rife with infidelity. Both my parents cheated, as did my father in law. I see how its handled, and how its affected our relationships and why. I'm aware of the risks. I mitigate them as best I can. I know its not ideal...but it is what it is.

 

For what it's worth, I'm not judging. I was legitimately curious about the "what if" and haven't studied your threads anywhere near enough to render an informed opinion, for lack of a better term.

 

I recognize that sexless marriages (and other dealbreaker situations) are frankly awful and put people in dilemmas. I have just really learned to separate cause and effect. I am really working hard not to put my decisions on someone else's actions. I think it's an important life lesson, you know?

 

I would like to be proud of the decisions I've made in life. If there are mistakes (and I've made many), I don't want to put the blame on anyone else. And I hope the same for everyone on these boards.

[salparadise]

I don't believe that a lack of sex irresistibly compels a man to put his boots on and find a woman to have sex with outside a marriage.

 

Kangaroos, fish, and rabbits have no choice about their sex drive, but men do.

 

He did it because he wanted to.

 

Lets not blame the wife.

 

Somethings needs to be fixed for sure, but infidelity should not be the first port of call.

 

Well, if you read the posts, everyone pretty much agrees with you, satu.

And actually, I don't thnk we know whether the couple in question have had counselling, or how thins stand at present. But something needs to be done.

 

But yes, many are of the same opinion.

 

Eh, ya know most of those who are of the same opinion are standing with their toes touching the moral line they've drawn in the sand. If I had a nickel for every time someone used the word should!

 

I think she's as much to blame in the situation as he is... if my understanding is correct, that she completely cut him off emotionally as well as physically. That's just too much to expect a mere mortal to endure, and that's not the $hit he signed up for. It should be sunny and 85 degrees here today, except that it's the end of December.

[BetrayedH]

Well it certainly isn't a surprise in a sexless marriage. The only thing I don't understand is why you wouldn't talk to your partner about it. I'm also amazed that the one - alright, mostly it's the wives shutting down sexually - who stops the sex has the audacity to demand that their partner quit one of their most primal needs just because they don't want to satisfy it. Heck, I wouldn't even call obligatory roll-over-and-wait-2-minutes sex.

 

You shouldn't be forced to sex, but you also shouldn't be forced to never have sex again.

 

It's a very gradual process with lots of excuses. No one wants to "force" their partner to do anything they don't want to do and that's played upon heavily. Before you know it, it's been once or twice a month sex for a couple years and the validity of the excuses has diminishing returns. It really does do a number to the ego.

 

I'm very grateful to have a partner now that won't let that happen. It really sucks that it happens in so many marriages. I loved my wife plenty and just couldn't win. Hell, I'd happily have settled for a tie.

[truncated]

When I read posts like the OP, I am always thinking "what is the wife's side to this story"?

 

What does "nearly sexless" mean? Does it men once a year, once a month, once a week? If this guy has as high a sex drive as the op says, the is it just posisble that they are having way more sex than he makes it sound, but it simply isn't enough for him? Has his sex dive dramatically increased for some reason or other? Was he attracted to this other woman and is trying to justfy his actions?

 

If there's less sex than he wants, then why? What is the dynamic in their marriage that could be feeding in to all of this? What's her health like? Is she on birth control pills ( they can dramatically reduce a woman's sex drive), is there an issue with depression?

 

Did she gain a lot of weight during the pregnancy and he finds her unattarctive now and is subtly letting her know that ( and sorry, wanting lots of sex with soemone doesn't always make them feel attractive), or is he saying hurtful things to her?

 

Maybe he's just not the super stud he'd like to think he is, and if it comes down to the five minute mile vs. gettng some sleep, she'd rather sleep.

 

I'm not saying any of these are what's going on. The reality could be that he's great in bed and is very kind and considerate to her and she's acting like a total b@tch to him. I'm just saying there are two sides, and labling her as a cold unacring fish without knowing what her side is isn't helpful.

 

A friend can see the guy one way, when he could be acting very differently to his wife...or not.

Edited December 31, 2014 by truncated

[autumnnight]

When I read posts like the OP, I am always thinking "what is the wife's side to this story"?

 

What does "nearly sexless" mean? Does it men once a year, once a month, once a week? If this guy has as high a sex drive as the op says, the is it just posisble that they are having way more sex than he makes it sound, but it simply isn't enough for him? Has his sex dive dramatically increased for some reason or other? Was he attracted to this other woman and is trying to justfy his actions?

 

If there's less sex than he wants, then why? What is the dynamic in their marriage that could be feeding in to all of this? What's her health like? Is she on birth control pills ( they can dramatically reduce a woman's sex drive), is there an issue with depression?

 

Did she gain a lot of weight during the pregnancy and he finds her unattarctive now and is subtly letting her know that ( and sorry, wanting lots of sex with soemone doesn't always make them feel attractive), or is he saying hurtful things to her?

 

Maybe he's just not the super stud he'd like to think he is, and if it comes down to the five minute mile vs. gettng some sleep, she'd rather sleep.

 

I'm not saying any of these are what's going on. The reality could be that he's great in bed and is very kind and considerate to her and she's acting like a total b@tch to him. I'm just saying there are two sides, and labling her as a cold unacring fish without knowing what her side is isn't helpful.

 

A friend can see the guy one way, when he could be acting very differently to his wife...or not.

 

 

I have to say, this kind of post is exactly why most people in sexless marriages suffer in silence and misery. Posting about the pain and loneliness just to have it minimized and implied it's your fault your spouse won't touch you just isn't worth it.

[denise_xo]

I think the problem with this (other than the morality of it, if you will) is that the children may be MUCH worse off if you are discovered and have a hellacious divorce.

 

I'll second this. My parents divorced after my father's repeated infidelity (not due to a sexless marriage). From a kid's point of view, I think knowing that your parents divorced because they couldn't solve their differences is really a much better place to be than to know that your parents divorced because someone slept around behind the other parent's back.

[salparadise]

I have to say, this kind of post is exactly why most people in sexless marriages suffer in silence and misery. Posting about the pain and loneliness just to have it minimized and implied it's your fault your spouse won't touch you just isn't worth it.

 

^^^ Exactly! I can't believe a person (he-she-it-whatever) actually said "Maybe he's just not the super stud he'd like to think he is, and if it comes down to the five minute mile vs. gettng some sleep, she'd rather sleep."

 

When sex isn't happening, there's a lot more missing than sex.

[truncated]

I have to say, this kind of post is exactly why most people in sexless marriages suffer in silence and misery. Posting about the pain and loneliness just to have it minimized and implied it's your fault your spouse won't touch you just isn't worth it.

 

 

You either didn;t read the whole thing, or only saw the parts that you wanted to see.

 

"I'm not saying any of these are what's going on. The reality could be that he's great in bed and is very kind and considerate to her and she's acting like a total b@tch to him."

 

Maybe in your own situation ( I don;t know what it is) things are very different and it really is a case of one spouse unfailry denying sex. My post was intended to show that there are two sides to the story, and all that's being expressed in the OP is one side, and second hand at that.

[truncated]

^^^ Exactly! I can't believe a person (he-she-it-whatever) actually said "Maybe he's just not the super stud he'd like to think he is, and if it comes down to the five minute mile vs. gettng some sleep, she'd rather sleep."

 

When sex isn't happening, there's a lot more missing than sex.

 

Exactly.

 

WHich was the point of my post. Taken in isolation,it's imposisble to say why there is no sex in a marraige, or even if it is really 'no sex'. I was not referring to anyones martaige, except the one in the OP, and all the informtaion that is given there comes second hand.

 

 

What if the OP's friend is cruel to his wife. What if he treats her badly "behind closed doors", what if he is abusive, what if she is il, what is she has post partum depression, etc., etc., etc.

 

People read "no sex", and immediately form an opinion of his wife as being cld and uncarring about his needs, when the truth may be very different in their situation. Would it change anyone's view of her if more fcats about the situation were known? All we are hearing is his side, not hers.

 

( again, I am only talking about the OP's situation, and not anyone else's)

[truncated]

I have to say, this kind of post is exactly why most people in sexless marriages suffer in silence and misery. Posting about the pain and loneliness just to have it minimized and implied it's your fault your spouse won't touch you just isn't worth it.

 

 

and come to think of it, this kind of response is why so many are afraid to say why there isn't more sex in their marraige.

 

I dodn't know about your marraige, and I don;t know if or why it's sexless.

 

Look at it form the point of view from someone else's marraige ( not your own, yours may be very different). Let's say a wife doesn;t wnat to ahve sex becuase her hsuabnd treats her badly, or treats sex like it's just for his own pleasre while ignoring hers. She does talk to him about it, but nothing changes. She continues to try to get through to him, but he won't listen. It's no longer an expression of love, partnership and caring, but more a sign of how he refuses to listen to her and care about how she feels.

 

 

Eventually she shuts down, and either does the whole "obligatory sex' thing, or just stops trying altogether, meanhwile, feeling like cr@p about herself becuase she feels like she really doesn't matter to him.

 

To his point of view, there's no sex and it's her fault because she's denying him.SHe may ahve a very different point of view.

 

She tells her story to others, what kind of repsonse do you think she'll get? The repsonses to this thread alone are a good demonstrration, ranging form she's cold and not meeting his needs to she deserbes to be cheated on and it's all her own fault.Hiw do you think that would make someone in that situation feel?

 

there are some marraige where the person who is being denied sex is really doing everything they can to make things better, and really tried hard to make sex good for their spouse, and the opposite is also true.

[Got it]

Exactly.

 

WHich was the point of my post. Taken in isolation,it's imposisble to say why there is no sex in a marraige, or even if it is really 'no sex'. I was not referring to anyones martaige, except the one in the OP, and all the informtaion that is given there comes second hand.

 

 

What if the OP's friend is cruel to his wife. What if he treats her badly "behind closed doors", what if he is abusive, what if she is il, what is she has post partum depression, etc., etc., etc.

 

People read "no sex", and immediately form an opinion of his wife as being cld and uncarring about his needs, when the truth may be very different in their situation. Would it change anyone's view of her if more fcats about the situation were known? All we are hearing is his side, not hers.

 

( again, I am only talking about the OP's situation, and not anyone else's)

 

I think what gets overshadowed a good bit is the number of marriages where it is the wife want sex and the husband not wanting any/much.

 

And I think with topics like a couple's sex history, trying to have a clear understanding of what is actually happening and what each party perceive as happening is very difficult. Sex is so warped with emotion tied to childhood issues, self esteem, acceptance, hang ups, etc. that there is more dialogue not being said than actually being said. So I am sure there is a little out of every column that is happening.

 

Sex and finances are the two biggest hot spots in any relationship. It exposes the strengths and the weakness of each party and the partnership as whole.