Infidelity in a sexless marriage

[spanz1]

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be in a relationship harbouring a huge guilty secret.

 

I'd much rather live without sex.

 

that would be your choice, based on your libido and background.

 

 

Another person, one who has a very strong libido and really HAS tried everything to reverse a sexless marriage...is not going to take your proposed celibate path.

 

 

People here should not project their own morals or way of thinking on others. Sassy is well within her rights to do what she does, especially since she asked for an open marriage and was denied. If THAT does not get the spouse to start rethinking the who "sexless thing", your spouse saying they want to screw other guys...then it is basically over. at that point you either divorce or become roommates. Sassy is a roommate now. good for her

[sandylee1]

My guy went for 12 years with no sex or emotional intimacy in his marriage. He tried to get her into AA, to get them into CC,and IC,tried to get her to talk to their pastor etc. to no avail.

 

Then we began our relationship. He left her for 'us' in a matter of months and we have been together for a few years now. His ex was blind sided because even though he talked and talked, she would address nothing so he gave up. She says she was blind sided, did nothing wrong, their marriage was great and he would never have strayed if I hadn't lured him away.

 

We are really happy. She is still bitter and miserable. Sad. But he should still have at least separated before we began a relationship. Even though his family love and accept me now it could have gone either way. We were lucky his family are forgiving people.

 

12 years with no sex. My word, how on earth she thought this was okay is unbelievable. I think it's called burying your head in the sand.

[BetrayedH]

I am a wife in a sexless marriage who has chosen to engage in sex outside the marriage. Call it piss poor decisions, poor communication, wrong all you like. Living in a sexless marriage is more than just not getting sex. It damages your self esteem, your self image and is just downright depressing.

 

When you feel like you're doing everything right in the marriage and not getting intimacy in return it really does a number on you. Especially when attempts to communicate this are rebuffed. Or laughed at. Or you are gaslighted yourself to think you're the one going crazy ("What do you mean, we have sex ALL the time") uh-huh. Happens both ways.

 

<snip>

 

I asked for more sex. Never happened. I asked for counselling very early on. Never happened. I bought toys to spice things up. Never used them (except alone). I asked for an open relationship. Denied.

 

...

 

Yep, sexless marriages suck. I hear you entirely. Mine started right after the birth of our first child. As others have said, it was like she flipped a switch from being a wife to a mother. I tried everything: initiating more, initiating less (sometimes not for months at a time), caring conversations, arguments, more romance, more support around the house, non-sexual attention, better grooming - even got her a script for a "women's libido" pill since she claimed that was the problem. I tried it all and it all failed. In all, it was seven years of horrible and painful rejection that hit me to the core. You'd think I would have an affair after all that.

 

Then I discovered my wife's year-long affair with her boss, replete with some 60+ mid-day hotel stays and a threesome with a hooker.

 

That's ok. I'm sure the sexless marriage was my fault and that it caused her affair. Poor thing.

[Satu]

In that case I would have to ask if you are male or female, because that is a great underestimation of a normal male's sex drive let alone a male in which it is very strong. My friend did not cheat lightly, it literally is a need, a biological imperative much like a woman getting broody except its far more regular and therefore harder to satisfy. After seeing what my friend has gone through I'm glad that for a male I have quite a low sex drive so I am not as affected to seek out sex as he is.

 

Its my belief that women have no idea how powerful a man's need for sex is and I think this is the issue at the root of this situation. I think my friend's wife literally thinks that he can go without it and suck it up easily for the sake of their marriage and so she doesn't have to concede any ground that she does not want to. Its just never going to work like that. His mistake, moreso than the cheating, was not being absolutely clear as to what would happen if the lack of sex was not addressed and worked on.

 

What reason do you have to believe that a man's sex drive is any stronger than a females?

 

I know of nothing concrete to support that assertion.

[insert_name]

Yep, sexless marriages suck. I hear you entirely. Mine started right after the birth of our first child. As others have said, it was like she flipped a switch from being a wife to a mother. I tried everything: initiating more, initiating less (sometimes not for months at a time), caring conversations, arguments, more romance, more support around the house, non-sexual attention, better grooming - even got her a script for a "women's libido" pill since she claimed that was the problem. I tried it all and it all failed. In all, it was seven years of horrible and painful rejection that hit me to the core. You'd think I would have an affair after all that.

 

Then I discovered my wife's year-long affair with her boss, replete with some 60+ mid-day hotel stays and a threesome with a hooker.

 

That's ok. I'm sure the sexless marriage was my fault and that it caused her affair. Poor thing.

 

Wow, seriously?!

 

Women can be so cold about sex and how it affects a man.

 

I don't think there is any possibility of an affair on my friends wifes part- she seems too meek and passionless to have the motivation. But your situation certainly gives further food for thought as the circumstances are similar.

[CALOVELY]

Is your friend certain his wife is not cheating? There are several men here on Loveshack who were in similar situations with a wife who did not have a sex drive, or so they thought.

 

Is your friend prepared to continue with the affair? How is his wife handling this?

[insert_name]

What reason do you have to believe that a man's sex drive is any stronger than a females?

 

I know of nothing concrete to support that assertion.

 

Nothing proven in terms of scientific study- however if a female's desire for sex was as strong as a man's I am sure it would be more obvious in society- in that sex would be more liberally spread around than it is because women would not be able to resist having sex at the drop of a hat with whoever whenever. Men will sleep with women they deem not very physically attractive due to their need to have sex- my friend being a case in point. I don't hear of any instances where a woman actively pursues a man who she does not find attrzctive simply because she has to have sex. I am sure there are probably anomalies here but its an exception rather than the norm. As per Briffault's law, for the most part women dictate when sex takes place and the way they can do this is because their desire for sex does not compel them to lose all their inhibitions in pursuit of it. Most men are the complete opposite.

 

For something more scientific:

The Reality of the Male Sex Drive | Psychology Today

 

I agree with the premise that masturbation is a good measurement of strength of sex drive and I am pretty sure (again bar the odd anomaly) that men will have women beat in this area.

[insert_name]

Is your friend certain his wife is not cheating? There are several men here on Loveshack who were in similar situations with a wife who did not have a sex drive, or so they thought.

 

Is your friend prepared to continue with the affair? How is his wife handling this?

 

Yes, you really can never be 100% sure. I am usually on the money with my assessment of people's characters and in her case I really think she doesn't have it in her to do it, or the opportunity. Like I say, her life is the child and I would be very surprised if she was moonlighting as some guys mistress or whatever.

 

See my previous posts above for how its panning out. Suffice to say that its all his fault and hes being made to feel lucky that shes staying with him, both of their personal circumstances would be less than ideal if she left. Hes not holding a strong hand, but neither is she. They will probably stay together and both continue to be unhappy.

Edited December 30, 2014 by insert_name

[CALOVELY]

Nothing proven in terms of scientific study- however if a female's desire for sex was as strong as a man's I am sure it would be more obvious in society- in that sex would be more liberally spread around than it is because women would not be able to resist having sex at the drop of a hat with whoever whenever.

 

 

Women have been told to restrict their sexuality and those who did not were social outcasts. It has only be very recently in the scheme of human history that women have been able to 1. Acknowledge their sex drive. 2. Have sex outside of marriage. 3. Enjoy sex. 4. Have sex without a pregnancy. It was not because they lacked the same urges, it was that the stigma was too severe to act on them.

 

There is still pressure for women to have a low number of partners. It is difficult to gauge sex drives because of this. All things considered equal and no woman would face scorn because she had sex? It may very well be as high a drive as a man. Once the puritanical stigma of women as non-sexual beings continues to dissipate, I would not be surprised if a few generations from now women are as liberal sexually as men.

[CALOVELY]

Yes, you really can never be 100% sure. I am usually on the money with my assessment of people's characters and in her case I really think she doesn't have it in her to do it, or the opportunity. Like I say, her life is the child and I would be very surprised if she was moonlighting as some guys mistress or whatever.

 

See my previous posts above for how its panning out. Suffice to say that its all his fault and hes being made to feel lucky that shes staying with him, both of their personal circumstances would be less than ideal if she left. Hes not holding a strong hand, but neither is she. They will probably stay together and both continue to be unhappy.

 

Some of the people I have least expected have managed to surprise me. What a terrible situation for both of them. Would they be willing to go to therapy? They have a young child and waiting it out will be an eternity if they are staying together out of necessity.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think people need to think beyond what is right or wrong, that's not how the damn world works nor will it ever. And when you're pushed so far eventually you could give a flying $hit any longer about the rules, that didn't work out like they're "supposed" to.

 

And it really has little do with the excuses, in fact for many people cheating is a painful decision to make just to seek out some fulfillment and to give you back some of that piece that died in you and that you almost lost enduring the situation for what it was, which is more than about sex, it's about intimacy and feeling loved again at least to some degree if not just desired...which after time become immediate needs after a long draining and desperate process of having your needs and pleas to your partner fall on deaf ears and essentially being rejected.

 

The reality is that person can be so disconnected and careless about their partners needs that they hardly even pay attention to the fact of how you feel or what you're going through...let alone waste any of their precious time hurting or thinking about what you are lacking within the relationship...to them it's crying over spilt milk.

 

Now think of having a family and children, with of course finances, a mortgage and all sorts of things...you think people are just going to pick up and walk away? Realistically?

 

It ain't going to happen just like that, it's neither practical or even the easiest choice, you uproot the entire lives of your children because of someone who doesn't seem to give a damn about the relationship and is so damn complacent they can't even tell that their partner is cheating, until that day they do then all of a sudden they give a damn and $hit hits the fan and they start acting all surprised and dumbfounded and like they care...which if they actually were present and listening they could have picked up on one the thousand clues, but they didn't give a crap to notice the dumpster truck sitting in their living room because they have the attention span of a teenager glued to their iPhone.

 

There are differences in the people that cheat...some cheat from personal issues, some cheat to break a relationship and self destruct...others cheat out of desperation and feeling no other option in their current lives which in fact changes things the least overall and kind of fixes the problem to a degree, at least curing some of those pains.

 

I for one feel that if you're one of those people who shun your partners needs and neglect them, then your SELFISH @ss has it coming to you and I fully support that person man or woman cheating on you, as long as they are smart, responsible and safe and not acting like a reckless idiot.

 

But the point is, don't come b!itching to me about being cheated on and therefore now you demonize your partner for it when you full well knew how neglectful and she!tty of a partner you were and are...don't give me that high and mighty self defence of being in the right and the victim simply because whoever cheats is the bad guy..I'd give you a boot right off the pier and into the ocean to let you cool off and rethink that one.

 

If you're partner cheats just for the sake of cheating, that's a whole other situation...the point is, take some damn responsibility instead of playing this game of who's in the right or wrong, just so can justify and avoid your own responsibility...because maybe, just maybe, that person never wanted or planned to cheat on you, and your behavior had a lot to do with it.

 

But this forum likes to blame cheaters for everything, so carry on since it seems to make you feel better even though you just sound about as ignorant as those Jesus people protesting to gays that they're going to hell because being gay is a choice.

[BetrayedH]

Wow, seriously?!

 

Women can be so cold about sex and how it affects a man.

 

I don't think there is any possibility of an affair on my friends wifes part- she seems too meek and passionless to have the motivation. But your situation certainly gives further food for thought as the circumstances are similar.

 

My point was that the cause of infidelity is not external but internal. It is not a marital problem but a personal one. Plenty of people in bad marriages do not cheat. And plenty of people in good ones do.

 

What caused your friend to cheat was that he made a decision to cheat.

 

Your friend needs to look part these surface answers as to why he chose to nuke the marriage instead of fixing it or leaving it. Until he owns it entirely, his wife will continue to see his excuses as blameshifting and their recovery will be delayed, if it happens at all.

[Josmatjes]

My husband and I just had sex the other night after nothing for two and a half years. He didn't want it and I have been lonely,it's been awful. Three therapists, lots of date nights, communication, nothing worked. I heard every story in the book...tired, headache, not in the mood.... You would think I'm the guy....

Anyway... I had an affair.... It was wrong I know but I feel I ad no choice...

[Josmatjes]

Ninjapajamas.... I agree with you 100%.....

[Danda]

I think people need to think beyond what is right or wrong,

 

I think far too many people don't think nearly enough about concepts like right vs wrong.

 

And when you're pushed so far eventually you could give a flying $hit any longer about the rules, that didn't work out like they're "supposed" to.

 

You're just telling us about your own self, here.

 

People who seem 'judgemental' usually just don't like others speaking down of them vicariously.

 

I was in a sexless LTR for over 3 years and didn't cheat. I didn't cheat because of the internal moral code by which I am ruled.

 

So when someone else says that they cheated because they didn't have sex for years, instead of leaving their LTR/Marriage, I know for a fact that they are full of ****. The cheated because their desires outweighed their internal moral code. It says to me that they don't value loyalty, or integrity.

 

It's not so much that I see them as 'bad, bad oh for shame' or whatever. I just see them as weak. And when they try to insist that everyone, which would include me, is just as weak as they are, I don't accept that. Because I'm not.

 

I'm all for people admitting and facing their flaws and weaknesses. We all have our own unique set of both.

 

But I don't accept the notion of people projecting their flaws and weaknesses onto me. That's not how personal growth happens.

 

People who cheat may or may not be terrible people. Some of them aren't. Some pretty terrible people in the world have never cheated, either.

 

But refusing personal responsibility is refusing personal empowerment and the refusing personal growth. Guilt and shame are very painful, uncomfortable emotions but we have to grapple them down and embrace them in order to become better people over time.

 

I've never cheated but I'm no saint in my life's history, either. And nor will I try to insist that everyone secretly has the weaknesses/flaws that I do, or that anyone who recognizes some of the things I've done as bad must just be 'judgemental' people.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think far too many people don't think nearly enough about concepts like right vs wrong.

 

People don't give a damn about right or wrong, they care about whether that opinion aligns with their own to benefit their ideals and to justify them however conveniently it may be from a very one-sided perspective...and as ridiculous, nonsensical or hypocritical it may be...all the while denying and/or overlooking the blatant hypocrisy within their own thoughts or beliefs.

 

In order to determine right or wrong, you must be able to understand both opposing views...otherwise you are clearly biased rather than fair.

 

You're just telling us about your own self, here.

 

People who seem 'judgemental' usually just don't like others speaking down of them vicariously.

 

Not a whole lot above to do with me actually, but I understand how they would feel. But If it were I however, I wouldn't be in a sexless marriage six months...let alone years, I wouldn't make it for 10 years or what people usually endure, it's too much a sacrifice.

 

I was in a sexless LTR for over 3 years and didn't cheat. I didn't cheat because of the internal moral code by which I am ruled.

 

So when someone else says that they cheated because they didn't have sex for years, instead of leaving their LTR/Marriage, I know for a fact that they are full of ****. The cheated because their desires outweighed their internal moral code. It says to me that they don't value loyalty, or integrity.

 

Yeah, you're just instead using different words and calling them immoral who don't have the same integrity as you, in so many words...no need to sugar-coat the truth. But it's certainly not what I believe.

 

I don't believe it's the "internal code" that keeps people from doing things...more than their own fear, their own inability to take action, their own inability to do things that are dangerous or too outside their comfort zone, like not getting that tattoo you've always wanted...oh my, what would others think of me!

 

I believe it's the influence of society, parents, family, and the image they get in their heads about their reputation, it's their own guilt and shame, their fear of the consequences that keep them afraid, and on how people will judge you or how people would think of them, and how you may even judge yourself in the end because you let what everyone else says influence the way you truly feel about something...and that is what I believe keeps people from doing the vast majority of things, feeling like they have to be someone that fits in this perfect box. So It's a combination of factors, not just simply morals.

 

I see people get punched in the face and not do anything...some people claim that's because that person doesn't believe in violence or isn't a neanderthal like the other and the other person is wrong for hitting them...I think it's probably because they were a pussy and were afraid to defend themselves.

 

Anything can be spun in any way you like it, and nothing sounds better than covering up an actual flaw within yourself with some noble and righteous label that may you sounds like a more awesome person. I'm not saying you didn't cheat because you were a better person, but probably because realistically you couldn't do it even if you actually wanted to, fear would have played a huge factor, risk and consequence likely a factor you couldn't swallow because you were still trying to save the damn relationship...that wasn't strength though.

 

And if there's anything weak IMO, it's staying in a relationship without sex for 3 years...it takes a person with balls/ovaries to be a stronger person IMO, to take some kind of initiative and action, breaking the rules if the other person isn't exactly playing by them or honoring them, and could give a flying crap about you. I'm not a mule chained with ropes, I don't just go around in circles every time you crack the whip on me, I'd kick someone in the nuts and try to free myself and maybe the person chaining me there would think i undeserving of me to do so, so be it.

 

What you see as loyalty I see as blindness and naivety, what you see as integrity I see as a safety net or excuse as to why you couldn't or wouldn't do something.

 

It's not so much that I see them as 'bad, bad oh for shame' or whatever. I just see them as weak. And when they try to insist that everyone, which would include me, is just as weak as they are, I don't accept that. Because I'm not.

 

I'm all for people admitting and facing their flaws and weaknesses. We all have our own unique set of both.

 

But I don't accept the notion of people projecting their flaws and weaknesses onto me. That's not how personal growth happens.

 

People who cheat may or may not be terrible people. Some of them aren't. Some pretty terrible people in the world have never cheated, either.

 

But refusing personal responsibility is refusing personal empowerment and the refusing personal growth. Guilt and shame are very painful, uncomfortable emotions but we have to grapple them down and embrace them in order to become better people over time.

 

I've never cheated but I'm no saint in my life's history, either. And nor will I try to insist that everyone secretly has the weaknesses/flaws that I do, or that anyone who recognizes some of the things I've done as bad must just be 'judgemental' people.

 

You're weak to me as I said, chaining themselves with their own locks through their own convictions rather than setting themselves free. Some of us aren't slaves to conformation, some of us don't stand in the good line and just do what were supposed to, especially when we can tell the whole damn system is rigged, and the only people playing fair are usually the stupid ones.

 

I'm the bad cheater, I'm the kind of cheater you hate...I'm the guy that cheated on good women for no good reason, just because I could, just because I wanted more, because I needed more.

 

Sassy girl is not the same and shouldn't be categorized as such. I would have cut that @sshole a long time ago, I would have never pleaded and begged a woman to fill my needs, I have too much pride for that, I would've just gotten it somewhere else.

 

BetrayedH has obviously been betrayed, you can't really equate that to truth, without a whole lot of biased perspective...the guy was screwed over by what seems to be a very messed up situation and I feel for the guy but I could never trust his judgment on the situation.

 

But I've also seen a whole lot of "good women" do things I would never do...I've seen some twisted crap, some cold-blooded, heartless crap that to me goes way beyond cheating on someone...but that's just my opinion. There's a lot of hypocrisy out there, and a whole lot of bad people think that their crap doesn't stink, they just don't have the self awareness or even care to recognize.

 

Everyone is allowed to judge...but it doesn't ever make you a better person, I'm sure we'd dethrone a lot of saints in a hurry if we had everyone's history laid out here for everyone to transparently see, that would flip peoples worlds upside down to have to face judgment...because a lot of people can dish it out, but couldn't ever take it.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[sweet_pea]

My friend's affair finally got exposed just after Christmas. According to him he and his wife have hardly had sex since their only child was born 4 years ago. Having the child seemed to put her right off of sex. My friend also has a high sex drive so whilst he undoubtedly was in the wrong for cheating I thought she would not be surprised to find this out and it would blow over quickly for the sake of the kid, the main thing being that she found out 'behind closed doors' so there was no public losing of face involved.

 

But it appears she has really gone off the deep end like it was totally unexpected and all the blame is being put on him, this I find really surprising. She has known him.long enough to know how high his sex drive is, did she really think he was just going to sit there politely and accept that he was hardly ever going to have sex again and just be happy with that? To me this is a big white elephant in the room and as a married couple its both their job to tackle it and come to a compromise early on- this was obviously not done. Undoubtedly he should have left before committing the affair, so has to accept most of the blame but I don't think her naievety is an excuse for her part in going off sex and blindly carrying on thinking everything was going to be tickety boo. So I feel bad for him in the sense that he has no say in whatever happens from here and is the bad guy because she holds the moral high ground, when she has to admit that she had no interest in whether his needs were met.

 

So I am interested in what the female POV is on this? If you went off sex how would you deal with this in regard to your husband's sex drive?

 

You do realize his wife didn't have much of a say when it came to the affair either? Unless he told her he was going to cheat (which it appears he didn't). It is interesting that you feel bad for him, even though he brought this upon himself, rather than his wife who appears to be blindsided and hurt by his infidelity.

 

I do wonder how much of what your friend is telling you is the truth. Has his wife also confirmed that they have been in a sexless marriage? I would be interested in hearing her side because I've learned that WS' like to rewrite marital history and twist the truth in order to justify their choices (not all of WS, but many). I wonder how much effort he has truly put into trying to fix things.

 

As to the question… if I weren't in a sexually fulfilling relationship, I would talk to my SO about it. Either end the relationship or come upon a mutually agreed upon solution/compromise!

 

Either way, sexless marriage or not, the affair was wrong in my opinion.

[ascendotum]

My point was that the cause of infidelity is not external but internal. It is not a marital problem but a personal one. Plenty of people in bad marriages do not cheat. And plenty of people in good ones do.

 

What caused your friend to cheat was that he made a decision to cheat.

 

Your friend needs to look part these surface answers as to why he chose to nuke the marriage instead of fixing it or leaving it. Until he owns it entirely, his wife will continue to see his excuses as blameshifting and their recovery will be delayed, if it happens at all.

 

I disagree with this "What caused your friend to cheat was that he made a decision to cheat.". Its both internal & external but often the internal arose strictly because of the external factor. You are not extending the timeline back far enough imo. Its like saying people who grew up with a very poor, crappy nutritional diet, abusive, highly dysfunctional criminal activity on the the side family life, can't have any mitigating circumstances that they ending up being involved in crime or have poor career prospects. Its like saying America being in Irag + Afghanistan is strictly because they simply chose to stick their big nose in middle east affairs to suit their agenda. Things are not always so cut&dry.

 

While the OP's friend in this situation may have nuked the marriage with his decision to cheat, the wife's decision to call it quits on sex and likely also intimacy & affection effectively was the equivalent of spraying agent orange over the relationship year after year. It doesn't have the same 'kill the mood, jaw dropping then dirty looks' effect when announced at a dinner party but it still kills the marriage and self esteem & happiness of the other partner, just in more corrosive manner. Like NIP said, many people here see cheating is the greatest sin by a huge margin over any other crappy behavior by the other partner, but like him I don't see it that way.

 

If he owns it entirely and takes full blame, then there is big risk the wife will continue to take the moral high-ground and have the upper-hand in the marriage for years, and with no blame for her she wont have any inclination to change her ways. Cheating was really only a short term solution unless the cheater is very good at covering their tracks. I do agree with you though that the guy in this scenario should have let his wife know in discussions that a zero sex and porn life was not going to be sustainable if he was not to end up living out the rest of the marriage resentful & depressed (or walking out and breaking up the marriage that way).

 

The woman I am dating now came from a sexless marriage and didn't cheat and was proud of it (though a little less so now in the last convo we had on the subject realizing she missed out on too many of her prime yrs), but she ended up on ADs and still miserable. She offered anything goes sex acts, 3somes, open marriage, gym/diet workouts to stay thin, a change to her persona/dress style, but that didn't cut it. She ended up leaving him, and it left him somewhat shell shocked and bitter. I personally think she should of had an affair and I would not have held it against her in such circumstances. If she had of she would have likely been a happier wife & mother, would have given him peace from being guilted over their lack of sex/intimacy, and if she was good at covering her tracks, they'd likely still be together.

 

I've learned that WS' like to rewrite marital history and twist the truth in order to justify their choices (not all of WS, but many). I wonder how much effort he has truly put into trying to fix things.

This is true too.

Edited December 30, 2014 by ascendotum

[braindamage]

I don't think I've ever heard of a valid reason to cheat on someone. At the very least someone could be upfront about stepping outside the marriage when they're being deprived of sex/intimacy. Sure, it's a bandaid but I understand why people would consider it. But is there ever a reason to do it all in secret? I think not.

[insert_name]

You do realize his wife didn't have much of a say when it came to the affair either? Unless he told her he was going to cheat (which it appears he didn't). It is interesting that you feel bad for him, even though he brought this upon himself, rather than his wife who appears to be blindsided and hurt by his infidelity.

 

I do wonder how much of what your friend is telling you is the truth. Has his wife also confirmed that they have been in a sexless marriage? I would be interested in hearing her side because I've learned that WS' like to rewrite marital history and twist the truth in order to justify their choices (not all of WS, but many). I wonder how much effort he has truly put into trying to fix things.

 

As to the question… if I weren't in a sexually fulfilling relationship, I would talk to my SO about it. Either end the relationship or come upon a mutually agreed upon solution/compromise!

 

Either way, sexless marriage or not, the affair was wrong in my opinion.

 

True I don't know definitively that he is telling the truth. All I can say is that knowing my friend and the AP he is most certainly not overly enamoured with her and if he had any choice he would rather be with his wife. So it seems legit that he has had to go elsewhere to get his needs met, as right or wrong as that may be.

 

You quote my OP but if you read further posts you will see that this had become an issue after the birth of the child where his wife was not happy to find him using porn on the computer so this was discussed previously hence why I cant think she would be too surprised. Again, if he is telling the truth (which I have reason to believe he is) then she has known that lack of sex was an issue and that she has since just chosen not to see it as an issue for her.

 

I don't think he has handled it well, but I think she does have to take some responsibility- you simply can't deny your husband access to sex and think that thats acceptable because its how you feel.

[oldshirt]

People shouldn't steal money. If someone leaves a stack of cash laying out unattended people shouldn't take it without permission. If someone isn't guarding and taking care of their cash, other people don't have the right to take it.

 

.....but does that mean that if someone doesn't take care of their cash that they don't bare some accountability for it being stolen??

 

IMHO if a spouse denies their partner for multiple months and has no interest in sexuality with them and makes no sincere attempt to address the issue after the other person has asked for it to be addressed, it is the same putting a stack of cash out on the street and walking away from it.

 

Whoever walks off with it is still in the wrong, but people have an obligation to protect and take care what is of value to them. If they don't protect and take care of it, then it is of no value to them and they have no right to bitch if someone walks off with it.

 

If you turn your back on your partners needs and make no sincere effort to address it, you have no right to bitch or whine when they get their needs met elsewhere.

[autumnnight]

There will never be an excuse for cheating.

 

However, until we stop thinking that cheating is the only "real" betrayal, the only one that counts, the only thing anyone has a right to be "that upset" about, we are just continuing to stick our self-righteous heads in the sand.

 

Refusing intimacy is a sexual betrayal. Hiding a gambling addiction is a betrayal. Alcohol or drug addiction is crushing to a marriage. Even willful, long term neglect will kill a marriage. Adultery is NOT the only thing that can kill a marriage, and a BS does not corner the market on pain.

 

If we treated someone starving for affection and intimacy with the same care and support that we treat a BS instead of dissecting their relationship to see why it's THEIR fault they aren't getting any, I wonder what a difference that might make.

 

There is zero excuse for cheating.

 

There is also zero excuse for withholding intimacy from your spouse for months and months or years and years. Unless you are in a vegetative state, you CAN share some kind of intimacy with your spouse. And you should. Yes, I used the word should.

[oldshirt]

I'm not saying that a sexless marriage is a free pass for cheating or that it makes it ok or is an excuse.

 

I am saying there is zero excuse for bitching about your partner getting it elsewhere after you've turned your back to him/her for months on end for no valid reason.

 

If it's been over a year, you've waived your right to be irked about it at all. By denying it for that long you have made a lifestyle choice of celibacy and you have no right to dictate your so-called partners sex life and have no say over what they do with their genitalia. At that point you are a roommate and roommates have no say over their roomies sex life.

 

....in other words, after a year it's not really even cheating.

Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[oldshirt]

If someone can't find it in themselves to love up their partner in a year, then they waive their right to exclusivity.

[oldshirt]

So clarify something - I am not commenting on the rightness or wrongness of the cheating itself.

 

I am commenting on the denier. If someone intentionally, willfully and knowingly denies their partner on an ongoing and in definate basis, they have no claim for complaint.

 

In the case of this thread, the wife has no claim here. She can either choose to live with her husband's extracurricular activities and continue to live in his house and keep her mouth shut about it. Or she can pack up and move out and find some guy she does have desire for.

 

She doesn't have a right to bitch about it. She made her own bed and that was her own lifestyle choice.

 

I'm not saying what he is doing is right or wrong. I'm saying her choice is to stay and accept his activities without complaint or leave. She waived her right to comment on his sexuality when she denied him for four years.