Infidelity in a sexless marriage

[insert_name]

My friend's affair finally got exposed just after Christmas. According to him he and his wife have hardly had sex since their only child was born 4 years ago. Having the child seemed to put her right off of sex. My friend also has a high sex drive so whilst he undoubtedly was in the wrong for cheating I thought she would not be surprised to find this out and it would blow over quickly for the sake of the kid, the main thing being that she found out 'behind closed doors' so there was no public losing of face involved.

 

But it appears she has really gone off the deep end like it was totally unexpected and all the blame is being put on him, this I find really surprising. She has known him.long enough to know how high his sex drive is, did she really think he was just going to sit there politely and accept that he was hardly ever going to have sex again and just be happy with that? To me this is a big white elephant in the room and as a married couple its both their job to tackle it and come to a compromise early on- this was obviously not done. Undoubtedly he should have left before committing the affair, so has to accept most of the blame but I don't think her naievety is an excuse for her part in going off sex and blindly carrying on thinking everything was going to be tickety boo. So I feel bad for him in the sense that he has no say in whatever happens from here and is the bad guy because she holds the moral high ground, when she has to admit that she had no interest in whether his needs were met.

 

So I am interested in what the female POV is on this? If you went off sex how would you deal with this in regard to your husband's sex drive?

[Rainbowlove]

IDK...

 

But there are plenty of us here who have had normal sex lives with our partners/spouses and had an affair anyway....

 

How important is sex in the relationship? Does a lot of sex mean happy marriage? Does no sex mean unhappy marriage?

 

Those are questions left for the individual couple to answer.

[denise_xo]

I had a period of low sex drive in my marriage, and then I offered my H to open up our relationship. He was not interested that solution.

 

In cases like the one you describe, I think the person who intends to go outside of the marriage for sex needs to make that crystal clear to his/her spouse before the act.

[insert_name]

I had a period of low sex drive in my marriage, and then I offered my H to open up our relationship. He was not interested that solution.

 

In cases like the one you describe, I think the person who intends to go outside of the marriage for sex needs to make that crystal clear to his/her spouse before the act.

 

Hes definitely brought it up in the past as its been an issue before, when she first went off sex after giving birth they had a row because she had an issue with him using pornography as a replacement, so she knew it was a problem way back then. Its like she considered her life as a sexual being was over....so his should be too! I don't know quite how blunt he was about how far he was willing to go at that point....but as I say its a very naieve defence for her to say that this was unexpected. Women have sex under lock and key and so they should be proactive in helping to resolve issues in that department, her reaction to his affair shows that she literally thought his sex drive was out of sight and out of mind and nothing for her to concern herself about.

[spanz1]

I had a period of low sex drive in my marriage, and then I offered my H to open up our relationship. He was not interested that solution.

 

In cases like the one you describe, I think the person who intends to go outside of the marriage for sex needs to make that crystal clear to his/her spouse before the act.

 

 

 

exactly.

first you ask how to reignite the sex in the marriage.

then you ask for permission to go outside the marriage.

and it that does not work, you simply TELL THEM you are going outside the marriage.

 

 

That is the ideal way to handle a non-repentant refuser spouse.

 

 

The only thing your friend did wrong was not to ask for a hall pass. It might have been a big enough shock so that his wife would have come to her senses and starting giving him marital sex again.

 

 

other than that....what the heck did she expect from him, a monk's lifestyle for the rest of his life? he never signed up for THAT! his wife is a selfish idiot, possibly even clinically nuts.

Edited December 29, 2014 by spanz1

[BetrayedH]

Your friend had an obligation to either fix his marriage or leave it. He did neither. Instead he chose an illogical, unethical, and destructive path that probably went against his own beliefs. And he probably went to great lengths to keep it from his wife. She was denied a vote. His piss poor decision to have an affair was entirely his own.

 

Was she wrong to unlaterally choose a celibate lifestyle for her husband? Of course. But he had other options. He chose to drop a nuke on the marriage. Now that mess that he created has to be cleaned up. If he's lucky, she'll help him put the pieces back together. If he's really lucky, she'll multitask and work on her shortcomings as well. But rest assured, cleaning up the nuclear waste comes first and he can thank himself for that.

[evanescentworld]

I have to say, while the FAULT in having sex outside the marriage, is entirely his, the RESPONSIBILITY for the state of the marriage is a clean 50/50 split, and his wife is as much responsible for her "failings" as he is for his.

 

Communication has been evidently lacking.

I recognise her message.

 

And it is tragically, quite ommon for women to go off sex after a pregnancy/birth.

 

But she cannot imagine for one second that the (presumable) "I don't want sex, so you can't have it, look for it or seek gratification in other ways" thought-process is in any way reasonable.

 

I would strongly recommend counselling.

I would recommend he be encouraged to admit his fault, therein, but it would benefit her enormously to be asked 'What, if you cannot give your husband sexual satisfaction, can you do for him, would you be willing to do for him, or expect him to do, exactly?"

[goodyblue]

I have to say, while the FAULT in having sex outside the marriage, is entirely his, the RESPONSIBILITY for the state of the marriage is a clean 50/50 split, and his wife is as much responsible for her "failings" as he is for his.

 

Communication has been evidently lacking.

I recognise her message.

 

And it is tragically, quite ommon for women to go off sex after a pregnancy/birth.

 

But she cannot imagine for one second that the (presumable) "I don't want sex, so you can't have it, look for it or seek gratification in other ways" thought-process is in any way reasonable.

 

I would strongly recommend counselling.

I would recommend he be encouraged to admit his fault, therein, but it would benefit her enormously to be asked 'What, if you cannot give your husband sexual satisfaction, can you do for him, would you be willing to do for him, or expect him to do, exactly?"

 

My guy went for 12 years with no sex or emotional intimacy in his marriage. He tried to get her into AA, to get them into CC,and IC,tried to get her to talk to their pastor etc. to no avail.

 

Then we began our relationship. He left her for 'us' in a matter of months and we have been together for a few years now. His ex was blind sided because even though he talked and talked, she would address nothing so he gave up. She says she was blind sided, did nothing wrong, their marriage was great and he would never have strayed if I hadn't lured him away.

 

We are really happy. She is still bitter and miserable. Sad. But he should still have at least separated before we began a relationship. Even though his family love and accept me now it could have gone either way. We were lucky his family are forgiving people.

Edited December 29, 2014 by goodyblue

[Sassy Girl]

I am a wife in a sexless marriage who has chosen to engage in sex outside the marriage. Call it piss poor decisions, poor communication, wrong all you like. Living in a sexless marriage is more than just not getting sex. It damages your self esteem, your self image and is just downright depressing.

 

 

When you feel like you're doing everything right in the marriage and not getting intimacy in return it really does a number on you. Especially when attempts to communicate this are rebuffed. Or laughed at. Or you are gaslighted yourself to think you're the one going crazy ("What do you mean, we have sex ALL the time") uh-huh. Happens both ways.

 

 

My husband told me very early on in our relationship that if there was no sex in our relationship, he would end it. Now, theres no sex, and its on him... except now we have a bunch if little kids who adore us both.... and when I mention divorce, he gets abusive. Downright mean and nasty... he's a great dad, but a lousy husband. He has admitted his abuse to our marriage counsellor.

 

I asked for more sex. Never happened. I asked for counselling very early on. Never happened. I bought toys to spice things up. Never used them (except alone). I asked for an open relationship. Denied.

 

 

So now, my choices are leaving him because theres not enough sex (thus destroying my kids family, because mummy wants to get her freak on more), or, to do what I'm doing and, for now, keeping the family intact.

 

Make no mistake, if I'm found out, I will end the marriage. But for now, I stay.

 

 

So yeah, I'm sorry to these women who can't find time for their husbands, but really, I don't get it. I have a bunch of kids under 10, my youngest is still a baby, I have a full time high pressure career earning six figures, plus I do the lions share of the housework, I'm attractive and in my 30s....and I still want sex and intimacy. I just don't get it.

[Satu]

I don't believe that a lack of sex irresistibly compels a man to put his boots on and find a woman to have sex with outside a marriage.

 

Kangaroos, fish, and rabbits have no choice about their sex drive, but men do.

 

He did it because he wanted to.

 

Lets not blame the wife.

 

Somethings needs to be fixed for sure, but infidelity should not be the first port of call.

[Tayken]

I am a wife in a sexless marriage who has chosen to engage in sex outside the marriage. Call it piss poor decisions, poor communication, wrong all you like. Living in a sexless marriage is more than just not getting sex. It damages your self esteem, your self image and is just downright depressing.

 

 

When you feel like you're doing everything right in the marriage and not getting intimacy in return it really does a number on you. Especially when attempts to communicate this are rebuffed. Or laughed at. Or you are gaslighted yourself to think you're the one going crazy ("What do you mean, we have sex ALL the time") uh-huh. Happens both ways.

 

 

My husband told me very early on in our relationship that if there was no sex in our relationship, he would end it. Now, theres no sex, and its on him... except now we have a bunch if little kids who adore us both.... and when I mention divorce, he gets abusive. Downright mean and nasty... he's a great dad, but a lousy husband. He has admitted his abuse to our marriage counsellor.

 

I asked for more sex. Never happened. I asked for counselling very early on. Never happened. I bought toys to spice things up. Never used them (except alone). I asked for an open relationship. Denied.

 

 

So now, my choices are leaving him because theres not enough sex (thus destroying my kids family, because mummy wants to get her freak on more), or, to do what I'm doing and, for now, keeping the family intact.

Make no mistake, if I'm found out, I will end the marriage. But for now, I stay.

 

 

So yeah, I'm sorry to these women who can't find time for their husbands, but really, I don't get it. I have a bunch of kids under 10, my youngest is still a baby, I have a full time high pressure career earning six figures, plus I do the lions share of the housework, I'm attractive and in my 30s....and I still want sex and intimacy. I just don't get it.

 

 

Bold 1: Wow, so your husband is being cuckhold. You are brave to admit it on here, and am sure there are many more doing just that but won't admit to it on a public forum.

 

Bold 2: You do realize you can start the divorce proceeding if he likes it or not? All am hearing is excuses for you to continue living with him, banging other guys and claiming to want to keep the family intact.

 

For those that subscribe to married people have it all good, here is just one of those cases that says otherwise i.e. a facade' to the outside world.

[evanescentworld]

Well, if you read the posts, everyone pretty much agrees with you, satu.

And actually, I don't thnk we know whether the couple in question have had counselling, or how thins stand at present. But something needs to be done.

 

But yes, many are of the same opinion.

[goodyblue]

I am a wife in a sexless marriage who has chosen to engage in sex outside the marriage. Call it piss poor decisions, poor communication, wrong all you like. Living in a sexless marriage is more than just not getting sex. It damages your self esteem, your self image and is just downright depressing.

 

 

When you feel like you're doing everything right in the marriage and not getting intimacy in return it really does a number on you. Especially when attempts to communicate this are rebuffed. Or laughed at. Or you are gaslighted yourself to think you're the one going crazy ("What do you mean, we have sex ALL the time") uh-huh. Happens both ways.

 

 

My husband told me very early on in our relationship that if there was no sex in our relationship, he would end it. Now, theres no sex, and its on him... except now we have a bunch if little kids who adore us both.... and when I mention divorce, he gets abusive. Downright mean and nasty... he's a great dad, but a lousy husband. He has admitted his abuse to our marriage counsellor.

 

I asked for more sex. Never happened. I asked for counselling very early on. Never happened. I bought toys to spice things up. Never used them (except alone). I asked for an open relationship. Denied.

 

 

So now, my choices are leaving him because theres not enough sex (thus destroying my kids family, because mummy wants to get her freak on more), or, to do what I'm doing and, for now, keeping the family intact.

 

Make no mistake, if I'm found out, I will end the marriage. But for now, I stay.

 

 

So yeah, I'm sorry to these women who can't find time for their husbands, but really, I don't get it. I have a bunch of kids under 10, my youngest is still a baby, I have a full time high pressure career earning six figures, plus I do the lions share of the housework, I'm attractive and in my 30s....and I still want sex and intimacy. I just don't get it.

 

I don't get it either.

 

Something else... why is it that when a person has a sexless marriage and steps out, they are going to help and the other partner is held blameless when it does so much emotional damage to the spurned partner. When my guy and I became involved he was so neglected he took every tiny thing I did and absorbed it like a dry sponge. He still does. I guess I should thank his ex for showing him what he does not want so that he appreciates the things I do that he does want.

[ascendotum]

Your friend had an obligation to either fix his marriage or leave it. He did neither. Instead he chose an illogical, unethical, and destructive path that probably went against his own beliefs. And he probably went to great lengths to keep it from his wife. She was denied a vote. His piss poor decision to have an affair was entirely his own.

 

Was she wrong to unlaterally choose a celibate lifestyle for her husband? Of course. But he had other options. He chose to drop a nuke on the marriage. Now that mess that he created has to be cleaned up. If he's lucky, she'll help him put the pieces back together. If he's really lucky, she'll multitask and work on her shortcomings as well. But rest assured, cleaning up the nuclear waste comes first and he can thank himself for that.

 

I actually think they BOTH have an obligation to fix the marriage not him. The broken bit was with her. If he was jerking off to porn and that was making her cranky and they had been without sex for many months, then that to me is more illogical than him seeking sex with someone else willing. I personally think he should have given her a heads up that zero sex life is not going to be sustainable and he will eventually seek it elsewhere, so she could not act all shocked.

 

I known of or read of quite a number of marriages like this that are sexless and the happy partner is shocked and really bitter that their horny spouse cheated on them. Like the OP said, they' blindly carrying on thinking everything was going to be tickety boo'. For better or worse so suck it up honey.

[Satu]

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be in a relationship harbouring a huge guilty secret.

 

I'd much rather live without sex.

[BlueIris]

To me this is a big white elephant in the room and as a married couple its both their job to tackle it and come to a compromise early on- this was obviously not done.

 

I agree with this. I think your friend was dishonest and disrespectful of his wife and of the marriage and family when he chose not to talk to her about it and work toward a mutual solution. Hopefully she would have also been candid about her feelings and needs too and they could have created an even closer bond. Their failure or refusal to discuss that elephant in the room was greater error.

 

If I stopped having sex with my husband, we'd talk about it and figure out why and how we could build a new sex life. I couldn't marry someone that couldn't talk openly with me about this.

[Tayken]

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be in a relationship harbouring a huge guilty secret.

 

I'd much rather live without sex.

 

Yes....Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there living just like this for reasons ranging from

 

- I don't want to be alone

- I'll have to start all over again

- the house

- cars

- friends talking

- Facebook status

[autumnnight]

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be in a relationship harbouring a huge guilty secret.

 

I'd much rather live without sex.

 

I agree that there is No, None, ZERO excuse to cheat. Ever.

 

However, the above quote sort of minimizes the real, legitimate, hurt and pain of a sexless marriage. It is NOT an excuse to cheat ever. But "just doing without" is not an answer either. Making someone who has suffered in a sexless marriage feel as if it's a shallow pain doesn't help them. Neither does blaming THEM for not getting the sex they need (and it IS a legitimate need).

[Satu]

I agree that there is No, None, ZERO excuse to cheat. Ever.

 

However, the above quote sort of minimizes the real, legitimate, hurt and pain of a sexless marriage. It is NOT an excuse to cheat ever. But "just doing without" is not an answer either. Making someone who has suffered in a sexless marriage feel as if it's a shallow pain doesn't help them. Neither does blaming THEM for not getting the sex they need (and it IS a legitimate need).

 

I just stated my own preference. It's something that each person has to consider for themselves.

[Sassy Girl]

I agree that there is No, None, ZERO excuse to cheat. Ever.

 

However, the above quote sort of minimizes the real, legitimate, hurt and pain of a sexless marriage. It is NOT an excuse to cheat ever. But "just doing without" is not an answer either. Making someone who has suffered in a sexless marriage feel as if it's a shallow pain doesn't help them. Neither does blaming THEM for not getting the sex they need (and it IS a legitimate need).

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

 

My choice to cheat was my own. Yeah, I get it...no excuses ever.

Trust me, I have been critical of cheaters for decades. My parents, my siblings...and here I am. Grade A hypocrite.

 

Ill own it, wear it. Ill own it when the piper comes calling too. I have had 2 $hitty options...I took the one that makes me feel better, despite having sold some of my soul for it. Oh well...wasnt really worth much anyways.

[autumnnight]

I just stated my own preference. It's something that each person has to consider for themselves.

 

I'm sure most people would prefer that their spouse care about honesty AND their needs.

 

If it were me, if my spouse went years without having sex and I had done everything I could to be a good spouse, ask for help, make t clear, I would have zero guilt about leaving the marriage because I would consider them withholding the one thing I can only get from them a betrayal and a big time broken promise.

 

Cheating would just make me the bad one and it would ruin my character. Not to mention how dangerous cheating can be.

[Furious]

I am a wife in a sexless marriage who has chosen to engage in sex outside the marriage. Call it piss poor decisions, poor communication, wrong all you like. Living in a sexless marriage is more than just not getting sex. It damages your self esteem, your self image and is just downright depressing.

 

 

When you feel like you're doing everything right in the marriage and not getting intimacy in return it really does a number on you. Especially when attempts to communicate this are rebuffed. Or laughed at. Or you are gaslighted yourself to think you're the one going crazy ("What do you mean, we have sex ALL the time") uh-huh. Happens both ways.

 

 

My husband told me very early on in our relationship that if there was no sex in our relationship, he would end it. Now, theres no sex, and its on him... except now we have a bunch if little kids who adore us both.... and when I mention divorce, he gets abusive. Downright mean and nasty... he's a great dad, but a lousy husband. He has admitted his abuse to our marriage counsellor.

 

I asked for more sex. Never happened. I asked for counselling very early on. Never happened. I bought toys to spice things up. Never used them (except alone). I asked for an open relationship. Denied.

 

 

So now, my choices are leaving him because theres not enough sex (thus destroying my kids family, because mummy wants to get her freak on more), or, to do what I'm doing and, for now, keeping the family intact.

 

Make no mistake, if I'm found out, I will end the marriage. But for now, I stay.

 

 

So yeah, I'm sorry to these women who can't find time for their husbands, but really, I don't get it. I have a bunch of kids under 10, my youngest is still a baby, I have a full time high pressure career earning six figures, plus I do the lions share of the housework, I'm attractive and in my 30s....and I still want sex and intimacy. I just don't get it.

 

 

 

You have a "bunch of kids under ten and your youngest is still a baby" and yet you claim to be in a sexless marriage.

 

Not only that, you're earning six figures, work full time and do the lions share of the housework and find the time and energy to be in an affair.

 

Why grow such a big family if you're in a sexless marriage, and stay for the "bunch of kids" you've brought into the world if you're ready to end the marriage if found out?

[insert_name]

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be in a relationship harbouring a huge guilty secret.

 

I'd much rather live without sex.

 

In that case I would have to ask if you are male or female, because that is a great underestimation of a normal male's sex drive let alone a male in which it is very strong. My friend did not cheat lightly, it literally is a need, a biological imperative much like a woman getting broody except its far more regular and therefore harder to satisfy. After seeing what my friend has gone through I'm glad that for a male I have quite a low sex drive so I am not as affected to seek out sex as he is.

 

Its my belief that women have no idea how powerful a man's need for sex is and I think this is the issue at the root of this situation. I think my friend's wife literally thinks that he can go without it and suck it up easily for the sake of their marriage and so she doesn't have to concede any ground that she does not want to. Its just never going to work like that. His mistake, moreso than the cheating, was not being absolutely clear as to what would happen if the lack of sex was not addressed and worked on.

Edited December 29, 2014 by insert_name

[Sassy Girl]

You have a "bunch of kids under ten and your youngest is still a baby" and yet you claim to be in a sexless marriage.

 

Not only that, you're earning six figures, work full time and do the lions share of the housework and find the time and energy to be in an affair.

 

Why grow such a big family if you're in a sexless marriage, and stay for the "bunch of kids" you've brought into the world if you're ready to end the marriage if found out?

 

For the sake of anonymity I wont disclose how may kids, suffice to say that husband wanted the kids, and knew what he needed to do to make them. So he did. We are both incredibly fertile and fell 1st month trying with each of our children. And with each child, the situation got worse and worse. It was only after the most recent, the one we had decided was our last, that I realized this situation was getting worse not better. I begged and cried and pleaded to do something. Up until 12 months ago I truly wanted to save the marriage. Now I'm just done.

 

Why is a great question. I could fill a book as to why. I believed him. I trusted him, but most of all, I thought I wasnt worth more than the crumbs I was getting from him throughout our marriage.

 

As for how I manage it? How does he find the time to be gaming 4 hours a day? Dont ask me, but he manages. I manage too...And before you go there, no, Its never during family time.

 

ETA: There are plenty of wives around who will perform to procreate, but that doesn't always equate to a fulfilling sex life...These boards are filled with examples. Just because I have children, doesn't mean my needs are being met. Not by a long shot. Apparently Im a great incubator, but not worth of real affection or intimacy. In fact, once I start showing, husband refuses to come near me. Sound healthy to you?

Edited December 29, 2014 by Sassy Girl

[Furious]

For the sake of anonymity I wont disclose how may kids, suffice to say that husband wanted the kids, and knew what he needed to do to make them. So he did. We are both incredibly fertile and fell 1st month trying with each of our children. And with each child, the situation got worse and worse. It was only after the most recent, the one we had decided was our last, that I realized this situation was getting worse not better. I begged and cried and pleaded to do something. Up until 12 months ago I truly wanted to save the marriage. Now I'm just done.

 

Why is a great question. I could fill a book as to why. I believed him. I trusted him, but most of all, I thought I wasnt worth more than the crumbs I was getting from him throughout our marriage.

 

As for how I manage it? How does he find the time to be gaming 4 hours a day? Dont ask me, but he manages. I manage too...And before you go there, no, Its never during family time.

 

ETA: There are plenty of wives around who will perform to procreate, but that doesn't always equate to a fulfilling sex life...These boards are filled with examples. Just because I have children, doesn't mean my needs are being met. Not by a long shot. Apparently Im a great incubator, but not worth of real affection or intimacy. In fact, once I start showing, husband refuses to come near me. Sound healthy to you?

 

 

No, it doesn't sound healthy all around. I can sense your contempt and can understand how you must feel, a pregnant woman who's husband refuses to come near you once you start showing. That must really hurt.

 

If this is how he treated you, it was wrong, but...you had the choice to not have anymore children with him. It likes a dysfunctional dance with the image of a happy family that behind closed doors can implode at anytime.

 

Seeking validation and filling the void is just a bandaid.