Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Yep, it's not appealing! I think it's odd that lately this forum is full of guys mad that girls are calling guys "clingy" when it is such a trope for GIRLS to be the clingy ones that guys are trying to disentangle from! Like that whole "clinging levels of girls" that is ALL OVER the Internets, guys say stuff like "she's a stage 4 clinger" all the time. So I think they have a clue about clingy! It might just be news that it might be THEM!! Men are the new women. Women are the new men! Kinda sad. 2
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 The last guy I went on a date with was like this. After ONE date, he texted me on Christmas, "Merry Christmas, Ruby! Love you" And I'm like :confused: I pointed out the absurdity of that text comment, in a light-hearted way, also wishing him a nice holiday. Then he ranted at me for not accepting his "love" on a day like Christmas The fact that he ranted at you is a huge red flag. If he was just infatuated and excited, he'd probably just admit that he got carried away, especially if he really liked you. But the ranting suggests that he was trying to manipulate you, and got angry when you didn't fall for it.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 The fact that he ranted at you is a huge red flag. If he was just infatuated and excited, he'd probably just admit that he got carried away, especially if he really liked you. But the ranting suggests that he was trying to manipulate you, and got angry when you didn't fall for it. I tried communicating with him off and on, and at first he would say he got carried away because he liked me and was very interested. But when he didn't get the reaction he wanted, yes, he resorted to negativity. He told me all the women in our city are flaky, the men are selfish and cheap, and I should be glad to have the interest of an upstanding guy like him. Sooo attractive 1
Danda Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Seems like clingy is subjective because different people have different boundaries. I think clingy happens when Person A is overstepping Person B's boundaries a lot. What can make it complicated though is when people don't make their boundaries clear, and so you won't always know if you're overstepping them, and then an accusation of clingy can take you by surprise. That's probably where a lot of people get bent about the topic, I'd imagine. Like when the person you're dating seems fine with texting for hours every night, and then suddenly one day you're told that you're clingy. It feels kind of like a BS excuse because if you had drawn that gun first, you could have accused them of being clingy, since they willing texted along with you like it was no problem. But then I can also see why some people probably struggle to set clear boundaries. If I really liked a guy and we were newly dating, and I needed more breathing room so to speak, I would be nervous on how exactly to tell him without it coming across wrong or discouraging him across the board. And while logic dictates that "the right guy won't take it the wrong way" frankly after so many times disappointed it's easy to get desperate. Messy stuff, romance is.
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 That is true. In the very beginning, I was excited about him, and I wanted to give it a good go. But his behavior quickly became too much, too soon. Especially the confession of being in love with me. I do set boundaries and (I think) state them clearly and calmly. I'm never cruel about things, although I was honest and gently let him know I couldn't return those feelings at this stage. It's definitely hard to navigate those waters with someone you barely know, and I like to have a spirit of good faith. Also, I admit to being pretty inexperienced at this whole dating thing.
newlyborn Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 But then I can also see why some people probably struggle to set clear boundaries. If I really liked a guy and we were newly dating, and I needed more breathing room so to speak, I would be nervous on how exactly to tell him without it coming across wrong or discouraging him across the board. And while logic dictates that "the right guy won't take it the wrong way" frankly after so many times disappointed it's easy to get desperate. Messy stuff, romance is. i was seeing a guy that told me in advance that he needed a lot of alone time. i let him set the pace and just watched to see if he consistently came around, which he did. i remember once after a really great day together, he told me that he was going to cut dinner short. because he was so attentive and chatty when together but i knew he was naturally introverted, i let him have his space. in that moment, i wanted to complain and push because i was so enjoying his company. but what i felt more was tremendous respect for him for being brave enough to let me down in that moment but with a plan to come back again and again. he set quite a standard for being kind, communicative, and attentive while also maintaining his boundaries. this is a rare skill. it is too bad he now lives far away... 3
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 i was seeing a guy that told me in advance that he needed a lot of alone time. i let him set the pace and just watched to see if he consistently came around, which he did. i remember once after a really great day together, he told me that he was going to cut dinner short. because he was so attentive and chatty when together but i knew he was naturally introverted, i let him have his space. in that moment, i wanted to complain and push because i was so enjoying his company. but what i felt more was tremendous respect for him for being brave enough to let me down in that moment but with a plan to come back again and again. he set quite a standard for being kind, communicative, and attentive while also maintaining his boundaries. this is a rare skill. it is too bad he now lives far away... I remember I told the guy once that I just needed a break from the constant texting. I was spending time with my son and also enjoying some time to myself to refresh (my son, being introverted as well, is great to hang out with during these times, even though I'm not technically "alone"). Not 2 hours go by and he's back at it, texting me. I told him I really needed a longer break and he was like "but it was 2 hours!" :( 2
contact1 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I remember I told the guy once that I just needed a break from the constant texting. I was spending time with my son and also enjoying some time to myself to refresh (my son, being introverted as well, is great to hang out with during these times, even though I'm not technically "alone"). Not 2 hours go by and he's back at it, texting me. I told him I really needed a longer break and he was like "but it was 2 hours!" :( Heaven forbid you go out of town for the weekend, that would be so heartless of you! I could just never understand this need of constant connection with someone, well maybe I can, if the relationship is the only thing you make your life about. But wow, how exhausting and stressful would have be, not having any other hobbies or things to do. 3
Rommex Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I tried communicating with him off and on, and at first he would say he got carried away because he liked me and was very interested. But when he didn't get the reaction he wanted, yes, he resorted to negativity. He told me all the women in our city are flaky, the men are selfish and cheap, and I should be glad to have the interest of an upstanding guy like him. Sooo attractive Most of the women are flaky in any city.
TB Rhine Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 What is "clingy"? Acting like you like him/her. Showing more enthusiasm for, or investment in, the relationship than your "partner" does. Having actual expectations of how your significant other ought to treat you. Basically, being anything other than an aloof a**hole or a frigid, dismissive *****.
Detectingfreak Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Thats clingy. I used to be very clingy towards woman but now I do not care if they text me back or not. Took me awhile to get to be not clingy. 1
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Acting like you like him/her. Showing more enthusiasm for, or investment in, the relationship than your "partner" does. Having actual expectations of how your significant other ought to treat you. Basically, being anything other than an aloof a**hole or a frigid, dismissive *****. I act like I like people as well. I'm a believer in that, not playing stupid games to hide how much you like someone. Even if this philosophy gets me burned more (it does!), I still believe in being true to myself and actively showing my like. And I appreciate that in a partner. I have no time for purposely aloof jerks who think they are gifting me with their scraps of attention. I've been down that road and no thanks! But there comes a point where the sentiment rings false and feels smothering. Where it's less about their real feelings for me and more about their own insecurities. Do you not think my story featured a man displaying clingy behavior? If you don't, why is that?
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Acting like you like him/her. Showing more enthusiasm for, or investment in, the relationship than your "partner" does. Having actual expectations of how your significant other ought to treat you. Basically, being anything other than an aloof a**hole or a frigid, dismissive *****. If you really would like to know what people (mostly women on this thread) think is "clingy" why not read the posts? "A**hole" is not the opposite of "clingy" a person can be both at the same time quite easily, like the guy who said "love you" after one date and then ranted at her for being put off by it! 1
Frivolous Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Fact is, clingy comes in many form and shouldn't really be considered a negative thing. Sometimes people just have a clingy personality, or they don't have a lot going on in their life so when they meet someone new it's like getting a new toy that becomes center of attention. Clingy is only really an issue if it continues long term. However clingy that continues long term is just a sign that one person is more into it than the other, or on the rare occasion they're just psycho. In any case, if someone feels that their partner is clingy then it comes down to fundamental compatibility. The OP is older, more experienced and is just not on the same wave length
TB Rhine Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 "A**hole" is not the opposite of "clingy" No, being aloof is the opposite of being clingy. And aloof people behave that way either because they don't give a sh*t about you, they're playing some game to try and maintain the upper hand in their interaction with you, or because they're emotionally shut down. Most such people are a**holes, at least with respect to how they treat others.
chaitj90 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think clingy to a certain degree is a good thing. Clingy shows that he is INTO you. But when it becomes NEEDY, then it's a whole new story. NEEDY - he DEPENDS on you for EVERYTHING CLINGY - he WANTS to do EVERYTHING with - not a bad thing! See this interesting article on the prospective of a guy and how a girl may be clingy - 13 Signs that Say You are a Clingy Girlfriend
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 No, being aloof is the opposite of being clingy. And aloof people behave that way either because they don't give a sh*t about you, they're playing some game to try and maintain the upper hand in their interaction with you, or because they're emotionally shut down. Most such people are a**holes, at least with respect to how they treat others. Whatever. I don't like clingy people. I'm not trying to maintain the upper hand in my relationship. He would dislike me if I were clingy. We're not emotionally shut down. We treat each other awesomely! How would you explain this? Please please don't tell me that I'm lying!
Author toscaroscura Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 No, being aloof is the opposite of being clingy. And aloof people behave that way either because they don't give a sh*t about you, they're playing some game to try and maintain the upper hand in their interaction with you, or because they're emotionally shut down. Most such people are a**holes, at least with respect to how they treat others. There is a huge ocean in between being an aloof a**hole and behaving as the guy in my story did. I like attentive and interested. I am attentive and interested. No hard-to-get games here. But there is a healthy limit, especially when you're talking about the earliest weeks of a relationship. Did you even read my OP? I noticed you dodged my previous post. If you feel I judged this guy unfairly, I'd like to hear why. From your posting history recently, you seem set out to prove that women just want aloof a**holes and conveniently ignore anything posted that doesn't further that goal.
ready4therightone Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 You know, some of these clingy situations would be solved with some honesty. Im 35 and not clingy at all. I recently met someone new and let myself go all in with her as we seemed on the same page. It was great, I was pretty excited and thought I had found what i was looking for. Then her unfinished love with an ex surfaced. Now i'm emotionally invested and she's back with an ex. I gave her the space she asked for. Im a dummy and listen to her say that she needs a couple days to give him the boot. Days turn into a month and stringing me along making me think that she was getting rid of him. Send her flowers to her work and turns out she's on vacation for New Years with him and her ex is turns out to be her boss and I look like an *******. I tell her off and get accused of being clingy. Excuse me but I was strung into a situation I didn't need and based on what she was telling me against my better judgement, thought I could stick around and wait for her. Now i'm clingy since things are going great instead of being strung for a backup. I should have dropped the idea of her the minute the ex came into picture. I will be vetting people regarding exes from here on out.
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 You know, some of these clingy situations would be solved with some honesty. Im 35 and not clingy at all. From your story I agree that you don't seem clingy at all, you were just in a messed up situation and got the worst of it, I'm sorry! "Clingy" like probably every other negative term can be used against a person when it's not true, that woman was just trying to put you down so she could justify the crap she'd pulled on you. You dodged a bullet my friend!
chaitj90 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I totally agree with you. I was also the "backup" once with a girl I was dating. We had a lot of fun and got a long really great. Then one day, we 'bumped' into the ex, the next thing I know, I am "if I don't find someone by the time I'm 30, you and I will get married and be together" - WTF???
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