toscaroscura Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I've seen mentioned around this forum for a while, the terms "clingy" or "pushy" when applied to men by women. Some men feel that women label normal men who are merely serious-minded about relationships as "clingy". But women counter that there is a big difference between a serious guy and a clingy one. I'll share my experience. I dated this man, he's mid-20s and I'm mid-30s. He is attractive and very sweet, and from the beginning he was all in. At the time, I found it refreshing as I had dated some real liars before him. But soon he started to feel stifling to me. He texted me constantly throughout the day. Like constantly. Our text conversations had no real substance to them. They were mostly about mundane stuff, his dog, or how he felt about me. He was very mushy from the get-go. In person, he was very subdued. I like stoic guys, but there has to be an active mind underneath it, which brings me to... I like an intellectual connection. Often I'd try to discuss something deeper/try to get his opinions on things. He wouldn't bite, or he would tell me that his opinion was whatever I wanted. This was very disappointing. I want that bouncing of ideas back and forth! I don't even care if we disagree; I am fascinated by how minds work and why people think how they do. Also I have a silly sense of humor and like to joke around, whereas he was very sensitive and it just fell flat a lot of the time. He told me he was in love with me after only one month. But considering our interactions were without much depth, I found that confession to be awkward. I was married for many years as well. To me, one month is a tiny drop in a bucket and far too soon to know if you're in love with someone. He would talk about living with me, having kids, getting married. He told me he missed me multiple times per day. I am introverted, so his smothering ways didn't help. So I would say that he was "clingy". He's a handsome guy, he's kind, he's not a psycho, but honestly all of this just killed my attraction for him. So to everyone else, am I being fair? Or not? Women, what makes a man "clingy"?
aggie382 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I think that's clingy. Clingy to me is the constant need to be in contact or maintain connection as though they're afraid you'll forget they exist. There's no space for you mentally or physically to miss them. 4
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 It's when they like you more than you like them. 4
Author toscaroscura Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 It's when they like you more than you like them. One could certainly say that, in my example, he liked me more than I liked him. But it's not like the potential wasn't there for me to fall for him. But when you smother a flame, it dies, so to speak. 4
denise_xo Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 To me, the word clingy is associated with an unhealthy form of dependence. I see it as unrelated to how much someone likes me compared to my own interest. It describes a person who is overly dependent on confirmation from other people, which in a relationship can easily translate into actions where you're continuously needing reassurance in different ways and where healthy boundaries are not maintained. 5
Tayken Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 @OP...it is subjective and open to interpretation. One person's meat and all that
preraph Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 It's clingy and it's a little just not compatible. Maybe if he was interested in some of what you are and liked to talk on your level, you wouldn't have minded so much. I had one once who'd follow me to the bathroom and every other place I walked in my house. He was sweet, but I have dogs for that.
Author toscaroscura Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 I probably wouldn't have minded AS much were we more compatible, but I do know my own nature (independent and introverted), so I suspect it still would have chafed. It might have taken longer to bother me though.
Rommex Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Clingy is a word that today's modern woman throws around without meaning.
me85 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Clingy can be considered as unattractive. There's a fine line. I don't know, if I'm head over heels for a person I don't mind some clinginess. In the beginning, that's usually ok with me but once the honeymoon stage is over I'm not going to want to talk to a bf every second of the day or spend every waking moment with him.
cdt76 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Smother as in she lives an hour away and texting her daily and meeting up once a week .....that's smothering? Because that was what she told me. 1
somedude81 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 It's when they like you more than you like them. Why is that a bad thing? I would never dump or get turned off by a girl because she liked me more than I liked her. In a relationship somebody is always going to like the other more than they like him/her. IMO since the men are the pursuers it's completely natural for him to like the girl more than she likes him. If he didn't like her then he wouldn't have pursued her in the first place.
Author toscaroscura Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Clingy is a word that today's modern woman throws around without meaning. How so? What are your experiences?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I didn't say it's a bad thing. I think relationships work best when they're well-balanced. In some of the cases you read about here, one person is obviously a lot more interested than the other person. Instead of facing that simple truth, they get frustrated, angry, and sad that the feelings are not reciprocated. They continue hot pursuit of a person who clearly doesn't feel so hot about them - and that's when they get called clingy, etc.
coolheadal Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) Maybe if more relationships were right on track there won't be as much clingy going around. Guys that cling a lot want to make sure they can trust the women they're with. Then the women finds they're too clingy and they back off. When they back off the women tends to start to seek other lovers or become a cheater. I am not saying this happens always. Another form of cling is that they love you so much they don't want to do anything else but just be by your side. A lot of couples have issues with this too. Got to figure out what you want out of the relationship? Do you want to be with someone who rather cheats on you or one the clings too you out of love? Edited December 29, 2014 by coolheadal 1
Author toscaroscura Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Got to figure out what you want out of the relationship? Do you want to be with someone who rather cheats on you or one the clings too you out of love? Well, it's not an either-or thing: either you have someone stifling you or get cheated on. I prefer a nice trustworthy relationship with a secure attachment (as opposed to an anxious clingy attachment). As far as my own situation, I don't even think it's because he didn't trust me. I don't multi-date and am faithful and straight-forward. But who knows, that might have been a fear of his! The problem with fears like that is, there really isn't much you can do to convince them not to be afraid.
shet Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 As said, it's a word that was on shaky ground when it entered vogue and has been abused into meaninglessness since. It's an accusation someone less committed flings at another more committed; or someone less romantic at someone more romantic; or someone believing they're too busy at someone with more time; someone less emotional at someone more emotional; you can carry this on ad infinitum, the point is, it's a bullying hurtful phrase used by someone who perceives they're in a position of strength from indifference, against someone vulnerable. Use of it nearly always belies a lack of emotional intelligence, since it's so simplistic. Personally, even hearing someone say it, even if they're merely acquaintances, is a red flag for their personality. If someone won't leave you alone for 5 minutes, say "you won't leave me alone for 5 minutes, I need space", not "you're clingy". If someone sends you goodnight and goodmorning texts every day and this is too much for you, say "these morning and night texts are too much for me, I love you but please stop sending them", not "you're clingy". Et cetera.
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 So you would prefer to be told specifics on how you are clingy? For the record, I *did* voice specifics to the guy I dated. I told him to please stop telling me he misses me multiple times per day. I did bring up the lack of engagement with discussions. I have no problem being up-front and stating my needs. But ultimately it did little to help. He just got hurt feelings.
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Clingy = like a barnacle that cannot survive without the thing its attached to and I think it's not a "guy" thing, a LOT of women are clingy as well. It's mostly weak people who don't have a fulfilling life going on for themselves and who want to attach quickly and fairly indiscriminately. 1
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Clingy = like a barnacle that cannot survive without the thing its attached to and I think it's not a "guy" thing, a LOT of women are clingy as well. It's mostly weak people who don't have a fulfilling life going on for themselves and who want to attach quickly and fairly indiscriminately. And that's a big issue around it. This guy hadn't known me well at all. In fact, he seemed to avoid getting to really know me, as he dodged my attempts at deep conversations. So all the "love" and mushiness, offered up in an extremely short time-span, just rang very false and made me uncomfortable.
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 And that's a big issue around it. This guy hadn't known me well at all. In fact, he seemed to avoid getting to really know me, as he dodged my attempts at deep conversations. So all the "love" and mushiness, offered up in an extremely short time-span, just rang very false and made me uncomfortable. Yep, it's not appealing! I think it's odd that lately this forum is full of guys mad that girls are calling guys "clingy" when it is such a trope for GIRLS to be the clingy ones that guys are trying to disentangle from! Like that whole "clinging levels of girls" that is ALL OVER the Internets, guys say stuff like "she's a stage 4 clinger" all the time. So I think they have a clue about clingy! It might just be news that it might be THEM!! 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 If someone won't leave you alone for 5 minutes, say "you won't leave me alone for 5 minutes, I need space", not "you're clingy". Seriously if someone won't leave me alone for 5 minutes they ARE clingy whether I tell them or not! 1
Author toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 Yep, it's not appealing! I think it's odd that lately this forum is full of guys mad that girls are calling guys "clingy" when it is such a trope for GIRLS to be the clingy ones that guys are trying to disentangle from! Like that whole "clinging levels of girls" that is ALL OVER the Internets, guys say stuff like "she's a stage 4 clinger" all the time. So I think they have a clue about clingy! It might just be news that it might be THEM!! I have also noticed these guys will never specify just how the women felt they were clingy, or what they did to get that reaction, only that they have been unjustly accused. Perhaps they are afraid we will agree with those women.
organizedchaos Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Why is that a bad thing? I would never dump or get turned off by a girl because she liked me more than I liked her. In a relationship somebody is always going to like the other more than they like him/her. IMO since the men are the pursuers it's completely natural for him to like the girl more than she likes him. If he didn't like her then he wouldn't have pursued her in the first place. You don't see how the actions of the guy in the op story was clingy??? 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 And that's a big issue around it. This guy hadn't known me well at all. In fact, he seemed to avoid getting to really know me, as he dodged my attempts at deep conversations. So all the "love" and mushiness, offered up in an extremely short time-span, just rang very false and made me uncomfortable. The last guy I went on a date with was like this. After ONE date, he texted me on Christmas, "Merry Christmas, Ruby! Love you" And I'm like :confused: I pointed out the absurdity of that text comment, in a light-hearted way, also wishing him a nice holiday. Then he ranted at me for not accepting his "love" on a day like Christmas
.thumb.jpg.e010a34a1f44ee68eb47e600a9b1a6be.jpg)
Recommended Posts