nlynnc Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Hi, hopefully this is the right forum for my situation, first time on here. So I have been with my bf for almost 3 years. We have 2 very young kids together. Our relationship has been so rocky the whole time! I think alot of it has to do with his dysfunction though. When I was prego with first child found him emailing people on craigslist to hook up. He said he never did and I moved past it. He also have a big anger problem and none of our problems get solved bc he cant talk about anything without gettting mad or offended and then just ends up walking away. He had a bad childhood and he needs to heal from what happened to him. He is always crabby and I feel like I always am walking on egg shells wondering what Im going to do wrong or when he`s going to get mad at something. Anyways, 2 weeks ago I though I was DONE WITH HIM FOR GOOD, besides talking about our kids. I found texts on his phone about meeting up with someone for sex (another guy) so disgusting! Didnt talk to him for a week and that whole time sent me at least one text a day saying he loves me and misses me and hopes I had a good day. Never responded back. Well I am a very forgiving woman with alot of compassion for him and I did miss him and deep down I would HATE to see him in a new relationship. Can someone give me advice if im just co dependant on him or is it just gonna be that much harder to move on from him bc we have kids together? Im just sooooo confused why I would still want him when he has hurt me time after time and has basically cheated on me and has lied to me over and over. I dont get why I can`t let him fully go and move on!? ITS SO FRUSTRATING!!!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Well, the brief answer is tied to your recognizing and valuing your investment IN him (even though he is a scoundrel). I suspect that your deep devotion to him is connected to you yourself feeling quite alone (otherwise) and unsure just what you would do if you didn't have him as well. But the first move is to separate (the lowlife that is) him from that which is your own emotional investment IN him. Your own instincts yearn to give, and keep giving yourself, and your devotion to a partner (and that is a really GOOD instinct to have), but I'm guessing that when outsiders/(3rd parties) grade him as an individual, he doesn't get high marks. You aren't able to assess him truly/fully/completely because you are always looking through the tinted glass that is your emotional investment IN him (and it won't let you be objective). If you want a chance at a happy and thriving future, you'll have to kick this scoundrel to the curb. Do it for you. D.T.M.F.A. !!
Author nlynnc Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Wow, thank you for that advice/encouragement! It is very true that I do look at him from the emotional investment I have with him. I KNOW its better if I move on. I have changed so much and slowly lowered my standards being with him. I need to get `me` back and get healthy again. His dysfunction and anger has taken a toll on me and has worn off on me. I hate that! And yes, alot of it is I don`t know what to do without him. Its so extremely hard.
coolheadal Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Most would say to move on but you have kids together so that changes things. But the has a temper and gets very angry with you if you try to talk to him. Again his past behavior is lurking in his mind. All you can do is see consoling to help with his other habit cheating behind your back plus the lying is bad life too. Making dates with others online. Do you really want that to continue? I see you have morals he doesn't. Really stuck with him now and have to live like this and your kids need a dad and mom. This is a tough job you'll need to really thing this one out. But walking on eggshells with it not the way to live too.
Author nlynnc Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Exactly, thats why I have stuck with him through all the crap he does, is because I`ve been trying to make it work so we could get married and be a healthy family together. But thats just not happening. Plus how do I trust him after knowing that he has a lust compulsion for men he will always struggle with that and I cant monitor everything he does or be his babysitter. (also I didnt know any of this about him until I was prego w our 1st)
coolheadal Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Sounds like he's bi for also. That another issue you have to deal with. I know you would leave but then the kids need a father. Really hard for you. What about your family are they nearby? Can you move in with them until you and your Bf can work things out. But I know going to be hard for him to stop doing what he does lying and cheating Sounds like it getting really bad now. The truth of the matter is he won't change for you. Right now it's you, him and his BF and the kids. Something to really think hard about too.
Author nlynnc Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Yes, he probably wont admit to that too. And thats something that has REALLY gotten me down. I feel like I was lied to our whole first part of the relationship and not really knowing who he truly was. Ya I moved in with my parents 2 weeks ago and they are a life saver! I just keep going back n forth with should I let him go for good (besides talking about the kids) because my heart wants to help him and be there for him and not give up on him. But I`m probably not going to be the one to help him anyways, i`ll just be enabling him right?
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