granolabear Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been dating just over five months and have been exclusive for almost three. Ever since we started dating he has been pretty elusive. We would see each other maybe twice a week with little communication in between. When I brought up that I didn't think this was enough he told me to make more of a effort. Even though I had tried in the past to make plans he was always busy. We are seeing each other still only once or twice a week and the communication in between has also dropped. When we hang out though he is always excited to see me and acts like he still really cares about me. Yesterday he sprung it on me that he was taking a cruise in just over a week with a few friends, not telling me exactly who, and had also made plans to go to a musical festival and a trip to south america in the coming months. Only for one did he half-heartedly ask me to go when I asked about the trip. I don't want to ruin his trips but I feel like with the lack of communication on his end and now the sudden vacations he's just not that into me.
amaysngrace Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I don't think he's that into you either. Are you sure he's only seeing you? 5
Author granolabear Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 He has introduced me to all his close friends and his family inquires about me. That being said it doesn't mean he's only seeing me. On a shallow level he also hasn't changed his facebook status to say he's in a relationship and has numerous pictures of him holding hands with girls that are just "friends" that he live downstate that he went to college with.
Zahara Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 When you're into someone, "busy" is never an excuse. It is an excuse when someone is trying to set the pace of the relationship and it looks like he's set it where you're close enough where he gets what he wants from you twice a week but keeps you far enough where he can still go about and do his own thing. If I were dating someone for 5 months exclusively, I'd love to go on a trip together. Seems like he is planning all these activities without you. I don't think he's into you either. 3
Otter2569 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I agree - something is not right. The beginning is supposedly the best part of the relationship and he is hardly involving you. I would be real suspicious of this guy. 2
cif Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 What do these weekly dates consist of? Sex? Sounds like you're a bootie call. How can taking a girlfriend you care about on vacation with you "ruin it"? Hmm 3-5 months he should not want to leave your side let alone ignore you in between dates. Dump him. 4
amaysngrace Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I'd go off and do your own thing if I were you. Don't invest more into the relationship than you're getting in return. If after five months you feel like something's not right, it probably isn't. 2
Author granolabear Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Thanks everyone. You've all told me things I have been telling myself for months. 7
Els Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 It's concerning, but I would be more concerned with him only wanting to see you once a week at the 5-month point. It does sound like he's not as invested in this R as you would like. Have the two of you ever gone on vacation together?
Author granolabear Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 We haven't. He only invited me to one when I asked him about details. He also wouldn't look at me when he asked which makes me feel as though he was just trying to be polite. When I brought up the fact that we only see each other once a week he stated that he felt all the pressure was on him and that I needed to let him know when I wanted to hang out, otherwise he was going to just keep on doing what he was doing. He said he would make time for me. I feel like he should already be doing that.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 This guy is not into you and playing the field, if he hasn't cheated on you yet he definitely will. This is not going to end well, it's clear that he's just having you as a side thing and you're not a priority...you're like a temporary employee that he never plans to hire, at some point this guy is moving on from you. Save yourself the trouble and break up with him before he breaks up with you, too many women just sit around and wait expecting or hoping things will change. Have a standard for yourself and don't come up with all these ridiculous female ideas that never work just to try and get him to change, he won't change anyway this is it, your life and relationship with him and he wont expect you leaving him...but leave him, don't bluff him just flit get him to put in effort. This will allow you to leave with some self-respect because for now he's just treating you like a FWB...and it doesn't matter that you met his family and friends..they already know he's not that into you and either way they don't care about you at the end of the day, they care about him..you're just a girl who will come and go. The reason for lack of communication is a sign slapping you in the face, but if yourelike many women you'll just leave it up to him to dump you too. 3
Conners Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I have to agree that he's just not that into you. In such early stages of the relationship he should be wanting to see you all the time. How old are you both? 2
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 He is using you as a decoy to show his family he is settling down with a girl, while in reality, the time he isn't with you, and these trips, he gets with other girls. Dump his ass. If it doesn't feel right, it's not. I'm dating someone that was like this. He only wanted to see me once a week, it only lasted 3 weeks until I dumped his ass. There was no way I was going to "fix" the situation....hell no, I had better things to do with my time, like meeting someone who actually wants to spend time with me. W 1
aggie382 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I don't really agree with anyone about this. I think it's too soon to tell if he's really all that into you, and I see nothing wrong with taking vacays without your girlfriend.
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Who knows maybe he hasn't come out of the closet, and using you as part of a charade. Maybe that's why he is being so secretive about who he is traveling with.
Conners Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I don't really agree with anyone about this. I think it's too soon to tell if he's really all that into you, and I see nothing wrong with taking vacays without your girlfriend. You make a valid point, I traveled to the states for a month without my boyfriend 6 months in, however I had this trip booked before we started dating. It's not just the trips that are a concern though.. he only sees her twice a week with minimal contact in between. He obviously doesn't care or miss her that much if he cant check in with a text or phone call in that time. 1
coolheadal Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 There is someone else involved. He's not telling you the whole truth here. There are signs your not seeing, because you don't want to see it. You just hope things are going to work out. But he's not waiting on you! He's made other plans going on his trip without you! (Hint he's made other plans) (Hint he's going a on trip without you) (Hint communications is not like before) ( Hint you only see each other once a week) All of these hints are saying what he should have told you before it got like this, that's he's seeing someone else. Of course he's also cheating on you this way. This guy really playing mind games here. No morals and yet he's getting away with it. So who's in control in this so call relationship. Not you he is calling all the shots. Best to wake-up from this awful nightmare and get out when you can. RIGHT NOW! 2
bathtub-row Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 We haven't. He only invited me to one when I asked him about details. He also wouldn't look at me when he asked which makes me feel as though he was just trying to be polite. When I brought up the fact that we only see each other once a week he stated that he felt all the pressure was on him and that I needed to let him know when I wanted to hang out, otherwise he was going to just keep on doing what he was doing. He said he would make time for me. I feel like he should already be doing that. There's absolutly nothing polite about his behavior. Why are you putting up with this?? The discussion I would have with him would be very brief: I want to end our relationship because I want a guy who loves to be with me and who doesn't treat me like an afterthought. I wouldn't care what he would have to say about why he does what he does, I would still end it. You cannot change people and there's no point in being with a guy like this. 2
samaraa Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Agree with other posters; this guy isn't that into you, and might have someone on the side. Even if he doesn't, so what--you're not getting what you need and deserve from the relationship. He knows it and doesn't really care. He's more interested in himself, his activities, and planning his trips--excluding you. This isn't the normal behavior of a caring, exclusive boyfriend. Instead of making more effort when you share your feelings, and spending more time with you (which he should want to do at this point anyway), he pushes you to make plans with him yourself. That in itself isn't so bizarre, but in this case, seems to be a way of avoiding and shifting the blame and responsibility away from his own lack of attention and care, onto you. Because when you do try to make plans, he just turns you down. Yet he can make trip plans for himself. Hmmm... As an aside, this rang so similar to a past relationship that I created a login to reply. Same deal--guy seemed excited when he was with me, but was otherwise "busy." He'd also shift the responsibility to me to make plans, then turn me down. I was also in friendly contact with his family. He also planned trips without me and obviously didn't want me to join. Turns out he had another girlfriend, and was cheating on both of us with other women. This might not be the same case, but either way, I'd drop this guy immediately. His behavior will likely only worsen. Don't waste your time to find out. You deserve better.
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 This guy isn't even half a boyfriend, and he's using you as a plaything when it's convenient for him. Everything you say about him spells CHEATER. End it now. Delete, block, forget. 1
MissBee Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been dating just over five months and have been exclusive for almost three. Ever since we started dating he has been pretty elusive. We would see each other maybe twice a week with little communication in between. When I brought up that I didn't think this was enough he told me to make more of a effort. Even though I had tried in the past to make plans he was always busy. We are seeing each other still only once or twice a week and the communication in between has also dropped. When we hang out though he is always excited to see me and acts like he still really cares about me. Yesterday he sprung it on me that he was taking a cruise in just over a week with a few friends, not telling me exactly who, and had also made plans to go to a musical festival and a trip to south america in the coming months. Only for one did he half-heartedly ask me to go when I asked about the trip. I don't want to ruin his trips but I feel like with the lack of communication on his end and now the sudden vacations he's just not that into me. I think you're right. This sounds more like a FWB than a relationship to me. In relationships people genuinely like each other and genuinely on their own want to see them and be around them, especially in the beginning. If the entire relationship has been one where he's been elusive, you talk once or twice with no communication in between and he just blames you, then he's going out of the country with friends and just lets you know...yeppp this dude is NOT that into you and you can do better. You're obviously not happy with things and that's what matters. You can be with someone who will communicate in a more compatible way and will include you a lot more. This guy is not it and like I said, most people are their best in the beginning so if you feel neglected, left out, rarely see or speak to him and aren't included, it will not get better.I'd let him go personally. 1
MissBee Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) I don't really agree with anyone about this. I think it's too soon to tell if he's really all that into you, and I see nothing wrong with taking vacays without your girlfriend. You think being in an exclusive relationship for 5 months is too soon to see if someone is into you? This doesn't make any sense to me. Someone is into you or not. Someone into you is most into you early on or to put it differently, when someone really likes you the beginning stages of dating and being together tend to be a lot more involved than what we're seeing here. It's not something you wait to develop like film. You don't agree to a relationship THEN figure out if you like someone. You like them first, date and then for more serious commitment, that's what time reveals, not just being into them, that's default mode. Even on a date, I'm into the guy after the date or not. It's something I feel or don't and that is what leads me to seeing him more and if I see him more those feelings automatically grow or don't. I think this is how it works for most people. The problem is not one of whether or not someone can go on vacation without their gf, of course they can, but the weird part as most people have said is that early on is when people are most giddy and excited about the person (when they really like them) and always want to see them so it is suspicious that aside from this trip in every other way he does not seem to be genuinely excited and invested in the OP and seem to be able to take or leave her. She also hadn't even heard of this trip or his plans to go to South America until he seemed to offhand bring them up. Sorry...but all those things are huge red flags IMO. In all my relationships my boyfriends couldn't get enough of me or me them early on. Eventually we calmed down a bit, but still saw each other more than OP and her guy. They were my dates for most things and me theirs not out of force or feeling like they had to but because they wanted to or even if they went out with friend alone or I went out with friends without them at the end of the night we'd want to see each other. I've had trips planned before I started dating boyfriends and of course they didn't come but once we were a couple I told them I'd be going on the trip, I didn't make any out of country or out of state plans without letting them know. Because I genuinely cared about them and valued them I kept them abreast of everything and seeing each other was no issue (like the pulling of teeth to see each other here). Edited December 31, 2014 by MissBee
preraph Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I don't think you always have to take vacations with your current gf, and you haven't been with him very long either to expect that. I wouldn't count on this being a permanent relationship, but it's not because he's doing vacation with people he's known longer than you and is friends with. It may not even be up to him to ask you. On a cruise, you have 2 to a tiny cabin and chances are he's already got his roommate and that's the only way to do it. Plus cruises are expensive so to ask you to go would cost thousands of dollars either to you or to him. People enjoy their friends. I have always almost without fail gone to concerts with friends or by myself rather than with a BF in tow. I had an early high school concert date that put me off ever taking one to a show, unless it was them inviting me and they had the tickets and I didn't have access to tickets. You can't force anyone to to spend more time or do everything with you and it's just not reasonable to ask the latter. Chill out a little and enjoy your time you do have with him and it's likely to go better than if you keep pressuring for more time and to be included in every facet of his life.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It comes down to the fact that you two seem to be on 2 different pages. He has no qualms about going on vacations without you and seeing you once/twice a week. You want to go on a vacation with him and spend more time with him. If you're really into the guy, initiate and plan a vacation or push to spend more time together. If he does not reciprocate or is not responsive to your efforts..ditch him.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 In re-reading your original post, I see that you have made some effort and he hasn't been available. Also, he made no mention of making more of an effort in the relationship when you expressed how you felt and turned it around on you...not good. It seems he cares nothing about your wants and needs. Your "relationship" sounds more like casual dating. Not a relationship. DUMP HIM. 1
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