hockeymom123 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I have been married for 12 years and my husband became involved with a female co-worker. He claimed it was strictly a friendship but I know for a fact that it was more than that. He managed to work through things but I've noticed the past few weeks he's been on edge and snaps at me... Which was happening when he was involved with this other person. Last night he went out for a guys night and came home around 3am.He ended up at a small bar with a single friend of his. I have no issue with him going out as he doesn't do it often. What has me bothered is that this afternoon I was doing laundry and pulled his underwear from last night out if the jeans he wore to wash and noticed lots of dried "white stuff" in them. He's been very distant today and has said very little to me. I don't make a habit of checking his underwear and I only noticed because there was quite a bit and obvious. Since I don't "inspect" his underwear on a regular basis.... I am wondering if this is normal or should I be concerned? We've been through a lot given his history and I don't want to immediately jump to the conclusion that something is up but I have a nagging feeling that something is going on
autumnnight Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I think you should quietly snoop. In fact, I'd probably test the underwear. Honestly, he shouldn't be pulling all nighters at bars given his history. Did he come clean and work to regain your trust the first time or sweep it under the carpet? 1
Author hockeymom123 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 He definitely didn't come clean and got caught on several occasions. He still says it was only a friendship and claims nothing happened between them. Things have been for the past year and I honestly don't care that he went out but I'm puzzled by the underwear. I don't make a habit of checking them but this was definitely noticeable. How do you test it?
autumnnight Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Some chain drug stores have kits, or I know you can send them to labs. You'd have to look it up on the internet. The fact that he never took responsibility or had remorse is concerning. I don't know the methods, but I know there are ways to get phone and text records and search his computer. I know you probably feel invasive doing that but he is your spouse, he has cheated before, and YOU as his spouse have a right to the info. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. 1
newmoon Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 you don't need to test his underwear, or snoop or anything else. just trust your intuition. you forgave him once and he probably knows you'll forgive him again, so why not cheat again or do whatever he wants. whatever you think he's doing, he probably is. 4
fellini Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Don't bother to test his underwear. It's in his underwear. You need to get HIM to talk honestly, not his underwear. won't take him 10 seconds to come up with an explanation. 1
Lilac33 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I have been married for 12 years and my husband became involved with a female co-worker. He claimed it was strictly a friendship but I know for a fact that it was more than that. He managed to work through things but I've noticed the past few weeks he's been on edge and snaps at me... Which was happening when he was involved with this other person. Last night he went out for a guys night and came home around 3am.He ended up at a small bar with a single friend of his. I have no issue with him going out as he doesn't do it often. What has me bothered is that this afternoon I was doing laundry and pulled his underwear from last night out if the jeans he wore to wash and noticed lots of dried "white stuff" in them. He's been very distant today and has said very little to me. I don't make a habit of checking his underwear and I only noticed because there was quite a bit and obvious. Since I don't "inspect" his underwear on a regular basis.... I am wondering if this is normal or should I be concerned? We've been through a lot given his history and I don't want to immediately jump to the conclusion that something is up but I have a nagging feeling that something is going on Cheating husbands lie. Unfortunately i think you already have that gut feeling and when you have it, its the first step in knowing something is wrong. I also have been married 12 years and one of the first things that can give it away is when they are completely avoiding you as if nothing happened or the other extreme buying presents. Go check his phone bill... 1
autumnnight Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Don't bother to test his underwear. It's in his underwear. You need to get HIM to talk honestly, not his underwear. won't take him 10 seconds to come up with an explanation. If he has cheating experience, he has a ready lie. Never ask a cheater if they are cheating. Now that I think though, I'm not sure you'd get much from men's. I've only ever heard of women's being tested. I would put a keyloggers on his computer and try to get phone and text records. 1
spanz1 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 if he was having sex with a woman, why would he have cum on his underwear. if it was in a room, they would have removed their clothes. if it was in a car, you would more likely see stains on his pants. i am thinking this is a red herring. if you are really concerne, put a VAR in his car and see if anything is happening. 1
Author hockeymom123 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 I don't know for sure that anything happened. Just more puzzled by the underwear. Not point in even asking because he will only deny... What does red herring mean? Lol
BetrayedH Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I have been married for 12 years and my husband became involved with a female co-worker. He claimed it was strictly a friendship but I know for a fact that it was more than that. He managed to work through things but... The problem here is that you've got a partner in life that is still lying straight to your face about his infidelities. 5
Hope Shimmers Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Wow. No wonder I have no desire to get married again. If I ever marry again and get to the point of having to consider sending my husband's underwear to a lab to determine if he's cheating, I will have hit rock bottom as a married woman. Being single is one thousand times better. 7
fellini Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 And if you test the underwear but find out it's not his sperm.... Maybe he masturbates. Maybe he got a hand job. .... Ill save you some time and money: If everything is working fine in the plumbing, you husband could have sperm in his underwear. Now I don't know how you are going to get from there to infidelity. 2
Lokin4AReason Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 looks of that, I say its horrible brewing over the horizon =0/ sounds like you two need some time together or time to make an appointment w/ a marriage counselor .... IMO
SycamoreCircle Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Phooey to VAR's, underwear testing and phone records. Ask him point blank during breakfast if he's cheating on you. Then don't say a word. Don't take your eyes off him. You can tell by someone's body language if they're lying. You know this man through and through. 3
spanz1 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 What does red herring mean? Lol its just a saying, like "there is nothing to worry about". herring, the fish, are normally silver colored. every once in a while you find one colored red, but although it looks odd, it still tastes the same
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 its just a saying, like "there is nothing to worry about". herring, the fish, are normally silver colored. every once in a while you find one colored red, but although it looks odd, it still tastes the same Actually, a red herring is something one puts in place in order to confuse or mislead another person away from the main. It was an incorrect use of the term. A true red herring would be if, say OPs husband intentionally placed the suspicious underwear within her view to make her suspect he was cheating (again) to to out gambling all night. Anyway, that concludes today's lesson on modern idioms Anyway OP, given your husband's history it's no surprise your first thought was to suspect another infedeity, however I think you might be jumping the gun a bit here. I mean, it's possible the substance you found was merely seminal fluid (prec*m) from sporadic periods of arousal during the day/night. Alternatively, is it possible he and this friend of his went to a strip club instead of whatever bar they said they were at? 1
oldshirt Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 A sitting president got impeached with similar evidence so this is pretty damming evidence. I wouldn't waste time or breath asking him anything, he will just deny it. He probably already has cover stories lined up in case you do ask. Go the other route and get VAR, computer and phone evidence then decide what your course of action is going to be and then start working on that. Confront him only when you have your plan in place and have everything all worked out and notifying him is the last piece of the puzzle. 2
Author hockeymom123 Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Thank you so much for all the advise. The hard part for me is not jumping to conclusions as things have been good for the past year. Our communication has improved and our sex life is great. He's an amazing father to our 2 boys and rarely goes out unless its a couples thing and we are together. He still works at the same place as the other woman so I have no way of knowing if they still talk... Which I'm sure they do but he would never admit it. Up until now... I've had no reason to suspect anything else has been going on. I left the underwear in plain view on top of the laundry basket and left it on top of the bed. He didn't even seem to notice. I get you can be aroused and it mean nothing except for the fact that he was out and not with me. We don't have strip clubs where we live and he showered and put on clean clothes before he left. I know he was at a friends house for most of the night with no women but went to the bar with a newly single male friend after. I would have thought nothing of it until I saw the stain. I checked phone records and there is nothing but he knows I have checked them in the past. If he is still talking to her and she has an iPhone too... The phone numbers won't show up. I'm sure he knows that as well so at this point.... There's no way of knowing I guess. I'm definitely not trying to make light of things but I would also feel awful for accusing him if nothing is going on. That's where I'm really torn because we have worked hard at repairing our relationship. I forgave but can't forget. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened and I'm not sure how to get past that. It's definitely not how I want to live my life.
jellybean89 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I would let it go. Like Hope, I can't imagine checking a spouses underwear. Who know what it is, but the suggestion to "test" it seems way over dramatic. Carry on as usual. Keep the lines of communication open. No spouse should spend their days watching their spouse...that's not a marriage. 2
Author hockeymom123 Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 I agree. I have no interest in testing his underwear. I just thought it was strange and made me question things all over again. I want to think that things are good but also have that nagging feeling like he still has a relationship with the co-worker but is a lot better at hiding it. Affairs suck that's for sure. We did marriage counseling but it was a waste of time. He was still talking to her while we were "working through things" and the counsellor was not helpful at all. He didn't even want us to address what happened and said we can't control each other actions. A lot of money wasted and was of no benefit
autumnnight Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I would let it go. Like Hope, I can't imagine checking a spouses underwear. Who know what it is, but the suggestion to "test" it seems way over dramatic. Carry on as usual. Keep the lines of communication open. No spouse should spend their days watching their spouse...that's not a marriage. If one has ever been betrayed, then one knows that it is normal to worry. I have heard many WS and OW say things about how "I don't want to be in a marriage where I am snooping, testing underwear, etc" Of course they don't. Because they know what it is like to hide something. Testing may be a bit over the top. Being aware and doing some snooping given his track record is not.
goodyblue Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 If one has ever been betrayed, then one knows that it is normal to worry. I have heard many WS and OW say things about how "I don't want to be in a marriage where I am snooping, testing underwear, etc" Of course they don't. Because they know what it is like to hide something. Testing may be a bit over the top. Being aware and doing some snooping given his track record is not. I have said I don't want be in a marriage where I am snooping, lol. I believe if I was feeling that way all the time the marriage would be over. But, given that there has been infidelity in the past and you stayed together, I would so probably do a little snooping just to feel better if nothing else. I hope everything is ok.
SycamoreCircle Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 We did marriage counseling but it was a waste of time. He was still talking to her while we were "working through things" and the counsellor was not helpful at all. He didn't even want us to address what happened and said we can't control each other actions. A lot of money wasted and was of no benefit Forget white emulsion in his drawers, this is the real RED FLAG! You went to marriage counseling and he was still in contact with his affair partner?! 2
Maggie Lane Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Year three of our marriage...I had the same things happening with my H. I know what you are going through and suspected the same. This is not a M issue, and this is more obvious than that or just "normal" plumbing going on. I am ashamed to say I had to go to the low I did to try and get answers....I asked my H and he denied it and chastized me for looking for signs to validate my gut. How "embarrassed" he was that I DID this to HIM. 9 years later, I finally get confirmation he is cheating on me with number %@$ - who knows??? - and he says you know? you were right on with your question 9 years ago, i was cheating and it was with our neighbor across the street. Women have great 6th sense. Go with your gut...do not stop with the placating answers that you "want" to hear (we all want to believe our spouse wouldn't do these things). Get to the bottom of it before you feel so bad about yourself that you fall prey to an affair yourself due to low self esteem and rejection like I did. Even if it means hearing things you don't want to hear, deal with the issue now if it is there. To have to wait 9 years and add to the cluster F like I did makes reconcilliation all that more difficult. I have come lean with my H about what I have done. My H and I are now as you call Madhatters, and I have to say, month 2 after full disclosure (on my part), is extremely difficult to say the least. I wish the best for you and your family. ~ Sleepless in Seattle. Edited December 31, 2014 by Maggie Lane
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