klandes Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 So he wants me to move in with him...it's been almost a year now, we're both commited and serious about each other, we practically spend every night together. However, when he asked me, it was during the time when he could not stand the fact i had a guy roommate, he was crazy with jealousy over this guy. Well, he still can'd stand the idea. So, i told him that i need time to think about it, cohabitation sometimes ruins relationships. Besides, the fact that we're college students and we're still struggling to pay the bills... and not to be cocky, but i do feel like i'm more independent, i pay my own bills with no need from my parents unless i'm tight, he's a total momma's boy, and i doubt that'll change anytime soon, he's always tight with the dough so i sense arguments and the likes of married life coming along. I just get the feeling i'm gonna have to worry or hold the rent burden on my own. You see, i'm stressing about this, 'cause it sounded like an ultimatum, it's either "we move in, or we break up". He said he's sure of the way he feels about me, he wants to commit, he's found what he was looking for... those were his words, how can i give him an answer that i'm not so sure of? I definitely don't wanna break up... i'm crazy about this guy. But I have to make up my mind soon, nyc rents are not so easy to find. I get the feeling we're too young, but then again it might be easier, no jealousy in between from opposite-sex roommies, besides one-bedroom places tend to be nicer and cheaper. I know my parents would despise this idea, but I'd like advice from couples who went through the cohabitation issue and what were the outcomes.
moimeme Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 I'm not against living together, but I figure it's part of engagement - as in, if you're gonna marry the guy, then move in with him until the deed's done. That gives you time to practice being married and decide if it's really for you. I think it's a bad idea otherwise.
SoleMate Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 I lived with my boyfriend for years. I don't think I would EVER do that again. Here's the realities and some opinion for your situation: * Sharing a place, especially in a tough rental climate, makes breakups so much harder, you both are tempted to stay in something that's not working * Research shows that living together is actually a risk factor for couples who are otherwise similar in every way to those who do not live together. It appears that the "living together" model - which is like Marriage Lite for those who are not committed enough to marry - can actually tend to CAUSE some destructive behaviors and attitudes. Mostly selfishness, looking out for #1, using emotional force to get the other person to do his/her share as you see it * His irresponsibility will tend to increase the above effect. You'll have lots of arguments over his failkure to meet his share of your agreed financial arrangements * One of the hardest incompatibilities to bridge is spendthrift vs. frugal saver/planner. The only way it would work would be for him to turn his paycheck over to you, so you can make sure the bills get covered before the liquor, toys, travel, entertainment, gifts to Mom, etc. do. Some husbands will do this - will he? * If he's not committed enough to you to shape up his finances so you both can have a future together, then...he's not committed enough to you to make living together work BTW, this is not coming from an anti-premarital or non-marital sex viewpoint. It really has to do with durability of relationships.
SoleMate Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 Here's one cohabitation study, by a respected sociologist: http://chronicle.uchicago.edu/000302/cohabit.shtml "...Waite found that two types of cohabitation arrangements exist: those in which the partners intend to marry and those in which they do not. Partners who cohabit with the intention of marrying share many of the characteristics of married people, she found. Those who cohabit without the intention of marrying often have short relationships with few benefits...many of the people who choose cohabitation...believe their partnerships will last... "Couples with no intention of marrying who decide to cohabit are forming unstable living arrangements that can have negative effects on their emotional, financial and sometimes physical well-being..."
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