Sugarkane Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 This guy is no prize. These selfish, users are a dime a dozen. He probably laughs at you behind your back. 1
cif Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I agree with others.. He knows how you feel and uses that to get what he wants - sex. Dont contact him. It will just feed his ego.
Author robynredness Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 I've heard he's dating again. All those years I gave to him and he's now gone to find someone new- I was there all along and he's chosen to search for someone else. I'm on my knees. I want to get in touch and tell him how angry and completely heart broken I am. Why is this so hard. I feel completely ridiculous. I've just read through all of this advice, everything everyone said is true and always was true. But god it still stings so much. Why not me? Really? You want to chase the guy that: 1. You dated for two years that wasn't exactly amazing? 2. The guy that dumped you? 3. The guy that demoted you to a fbuddy for 6 years? 4. The guy that always said he didn't love you? 5. The guy that always said he didn't want to be with you? 6. The guy that only came around because he could get sex and company from you? 7. The guy that cheated on his girlfriend with you? You're going through denial and bargaining. It's stages of grief and healing. You will start questioning and doubting yourself. It's normal. Just don't react on it. These are passing emotions. If after 6 years you still want to ask him if he wants you, then go ahead. But deep down you already know the answer. A man that wants you doesn't keep you as a fbuddy for 6 years. Your best bet is holding on to your dignity and pushing through.
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I've heard he's dating again. All those years I gave to him and he's now gone to find someone new- I was there all along and he's chosen to search for someone else. I'm on my knees. I want to get in touch and tell him how angry and completely heart broken I am. Why is this so hard. I feel completely ridiculous. I've just read through all of this advice, everything everyone said is true and always was true. But god it still stings so much. Why not me? I'm so sorry and completely empathize with you. Even after I had been NC for a year and was pretty much over my ex, it stung a bit to hear he was engaged. It's easy to fall into the trap of "why not me?" and "but I gave him X number of years and was always there for him." Even though those thought patterns didn't take root, they still crossed my mind. I can only imagine how bad it would have been for me if I had found out about his new woman a year ago. The fact that he didn't want a relationship with you isn't a judgement on you as a person. You have got to get out of that mindset because it is terribly unhealthy. You aren't owed a relationship with him because you were his FWB for 4 years and dated him for 2. None of us is owed any relationship based on the length of time we were with someone. We aren't owed a relationship based on our loyalty to the person. I was with my ex for 3 years, waiting around like a fool to marry him. He got engaged to some other woman very quickly after he ended it with me. We both made sh*tty investments in our choice of partners, but it doesn't mean we're worth less because the toads didn't "pick" us. That type of thinking is very toxic. I have to be frank with you. Any man who would keep a woman around for 4 years as a FWB, knowing full well that the woman loved him, is an absolute prick. You need to take the responsibility for staying in the situation too, but his behavior is repulsive in my mind. Read this post, and buy her book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It's the best 7.99 I've spent in the past year. ?Why him/her and not me?? Not everything is about us! | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue
sandylee1 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I've heard he's dating again. All those years I gave to him and he's now gone to find someone new- I was there all along and he's chosen to search for someone else. I'm on my knees. I want to get in touch and tell him how angry and completely heart broken I am. Why is this so hard. I feel completely ridiculous. I've just read through all of this advice, everything everyone said is true and always was true. But god it still stings so much. Why not me? Don't contact him. Keep telling yourself : He used me I deserve better I can and will get better I'm not going to be his free poke mate He is wearing me down and eroding my self esteem I'm not wasting any more years of my life on this user No one who even cares for you a tiny bit would do this. For the future, don't become anyone's fbuddy again. Your way better than that. 2
Author robynredness Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 In years before he had decided to start dating and said that he'd happily still see me and sleep with me until he met someone he could get serious with. I'm ashamed to say that I stood by whilst he want on dates and hoped that they wouldn't hit it off so I could see him again. He never really found anyone so we just carried on as we are. When id said I didn't think I could handle being his bit on the side whilst he actively looked for someone else, his argument was "I don't care if you were dating id still want to see you and have sex with you"- so I found it hard to say no. I do wonder now if this would be the same situation. I am sorry to post, I was terribly depressed and felt awful last night. I am wondering who he is seeing, what she's like and if she's happy. I will read the linked post. Thanks for the kind words. These feelings don't seem to shift and they bring everything else crashing down with it. If I do hear that he has met someone else I'm not quite sure what I will do or how I will cope. It seems so ridiculous to get so tied up in knots over one person. But thank you xx I'm so sorry and completely empathize with you. Even after I had been NC for a year and was pretty much over my ex, it stung a bit to hear he was engaged. It's easy to fall into the trap of "why not me?" and "but I gave him X number of years and was always there for him." Even though those thought patterns didn't take root, they still crossed my mind. I can only imagine how bad it would have been for me if I had found out about his new woman a year ago. The fact that he didn't want a relationship with you isn't a judgement on you as a person. You have got to get out of that mindset because it is terribly unhealthy. You aren't owed a relationship with him because you were his FWB for 4 years and dated him for 2. None of us is owed any relationship based on the length of time we were with someone. We aren't owed a relationship based on our loyalty to the person. I was with my ex for 3 years, waiting around like a fool to marry him. He got engaged to some other woman very quickly after he ended it with me. We both made sh*tty investments in our choice of partners, but it doesn't mean we're worth less because the toads didn't "pick" us. That type of thinking is very toxic. I have to be frank with you. Any man who would keep a woman around for 4 years as a FWB, knowing full well that the woman loved him, is an absolute prick. You need to take the responsibility for staying in the situation too, but his behavior is repulsive in my mind. Read this post, and buy her book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It's the best 7.99 I've spent in the past year. ?Why him/her and not me?? Not everything is about us! | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Right now, you don't need to worry about him finding someone else and how you might feel that day. You need to focus on yourself and rebuilding your life. 1
Author robynredness Posted February 15, 2015 Author Posted February 15, 2015 Right now, you don't need to worry about him finding someone else and how you might feel that day. You need to focus on yourself and rebuilding your life. Thanks BC. I had a look through Natalie's website/ she's very good. Can I ask how to start rebuilding my life? It sounds so stupid, but if I have a full day to do something/ I do nothing. It will pass me by. Nothing interests me. I don't know what would make me happy,.. What job... Activity... What people. I never feel like doing anything. I did go on anti depressants a while back- but I didn't enjoy how detached they made me feel. Maybe I should just embrace them Again. Thank you for replying xxcc
BC1980 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks BC. I had a look through Natalie's website/ she's very good. Can I ask how to start rebuilding my life? It sounds so stupid, but if I have a full day to do something/ I do nothing. It will pass me by. Nothing interests me. I don't know what would make me happy,.. What job... Activity... What people. I never feel like doing anything. I did go on anti depressants a while back- but I didn't enjoy how detached they made me feel. Maybe I should just embrace them Again. Thank you for replying xxcc The Baggage Reclaim website is very empowering, and I used to look at it almost daily. You would probably also like her book, "The No Contact Rule," which I also read. Here are some suggestions for building a new life: 1. Goals at work. Going back to school to further career. 2. Fitness goals. I'm trying to run a 5K and have some hiking goals. 3. Volunteer. I started volunteering at a free clinic and have made some friends there. Plus, it's just a great thing to do. 4. I invested more time into old hobbies (gardening, art, reading, writing). 5. I started hanging out more with old friends and some people at work who had asked me to hang out before. 6. A lot of people suggest Meet Ups, but I've never done this before. Do any of those interest you? 2
erklat Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 I remember that hell when you have to scrape the remainders of your life after a heartbreak. BC gave you a few very good reasons. For example I went in depressed and completely lost - I went out much less depressed (I have genetic inclination towards lack of Serotonine and I'm 99% on meds 4 life) and completely rebuilt. I even started to enjoy doing what I went to school for and I'm getting pretty good at it. It was also a major source for depression. Remember that all the pain is in vain if you remain the same as you were. It rhymes. I think I'll put it in my sig.
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