Obsessed with Ex- years and years

[hoping2heal]

Robyn,

 

This guy is not a proper friend - or - if you consider a friend, someone who has sex with you and uses you for comfort and companionship while not committing to you or offering you anything in return then yikes!

 

I don't know how such an arrangement as this would do anything less than tear a person down.

[grlfriendinacoma]

Hi Robyn,

 

I just wanted to tell you that as hard as it may seem now, if you cut this guy out of your life, yes, you'll hurt, but you're also going to feel a sense of relief.

 

I was in a similar relationship for SEVEN YEARS. The differences were that we were exclusive, but he never really committed. As other posters have said, I stuck around and gave him all the benefits of a girlfriend without him really giving me a place in his life. Just three weeks go, I had it. We talked and mutually ended things. I cried, but I knew in my heart it was time to move on. When a guy says he isn't available, believe it and move on.

 

I don't want to hijack your thread. I will tell you though that I am happier now that I don't have to obsess over what he is doing and why he hasn't texted/called/etc. You need to tell yourself: I DESERVE MORE. I AM WORTH IT.

 

I'm curious, how old are you?

 

Best wishes,

 

Sara:D

[Simon Phoenix]

I apologize in advance as my thinking is likely flawed.

 

 

Why not keep him around as your backup option while you find his replacement?

 

 

Plenty of dumpers have kept the unknowing dumpee around as an option as they searched for greener pastures.

 

Yeah, this is a car crash waiting to happen. There is no way on this planet she can shift her mindset 180 degrees like that while staying in contact with him. She would need to be away from him completely without contact for several years minimum to even be in the ballpark of being able to execute this, and even then, I don't think it would work. With all due respect, this is an awful idea.

 

OP, you are dead to rights here and have been dead to rights for years. Once a man has established you as a friend with benefits, you aren't getting out of it. It does not happen. He gets whatever he wants -- sex, support, friendship, sex, sex, sex -- without having to give you anything you want emotionally. Why the heck would he give that up? You have rammed your head into a tree at 65 miles per hour without a helmet for a half-decade now, and all you are is concussed.

 

You must listen to Zahara and cut this dude off immediately. Your current approach sucks and has sucked for years. It's time to do something different.

[robynredness]

Hi Robyn,

 

I just wanted to tell you that as hard as it may seem now, if you cut this guy out of your life, yes, you'll hurt, but you're also going to feel a sense of relief.

 

I was in a similar relationship for SEVEN YEARS. The differences were that we were exclusive, but he never really committed. As other posters have said, I stuck around and gave him all the benefits of a girlfriend without him really giving me a place in his life. Just three weeks go, I had it. We talked and mutually ended things. I cried, but I knew in my heart it was time to move on. When a guy says he isn't available, believe it and move on.

 

I don't want to hijack your thread. I will tell you though that I am happier now that I don't have to obsess over what he is doing and why he hasn't texted/called/etc. You need to tell yourself: I DESERVE MORE. I AM WORTH IT.

 

I'm curious, how old are you?

 

Best wishes,

 

Sara:D

 

I'm 25. We dated before becoming f buddies so it's coming up 8/9 years he's been in my life in some shape or form now. Shameful I know.

[Haydn]

The advice here is really good for the most part.

 

You've lost yourself and forgotten about you. I was similar. This place helped. Not at all easy. Take it slow and implement the advice here. There will be times when it's unbearable. But it will slowly diminish. Don't think about a new bloke, that will happen when you least expect it. Good luck.

[robynredness]

The truth is that you don't have a man there right now. You have some crumbs that he has given you. You don't have a mutually fulfilling relationship with a man who loves you.

 

How do begin to figure out who you are? Like Zahara said, what were your interests before him? For me, I had always wanted to volunteer at a free clinic (I'm a nurse), so I researched some places and found what I thought might be a good fit for me. It was scary because I didn't know anybody at first, but, now, I look forward to going there every month. I've met some great people as well, people I would have never met otherwise.

 

Something else I did was become involved in a women's group at my church, which was also something I gave up when with my ex. I signed up, and they put me in a small, women's group, and these women have become good friends to me. I've been doing art since I was little, and I want to start back with that again when I can get the space.

 

All of this didn't happen overnight. This spring will mark 2 yrs. since my breakup, and it's taken me this long to create an entirely new life, free from him. It's been well worth it though, and I have no desire for him to be a part of my life in any way. I feel so fulfilled and free in a way that I never did with him. All because I'm investing in myself.

 

The first step is to cut contact and go through the grief. The first months are really hard, but you must make a commitment to stay NC. I would invest in some books on grief and see a counselor if possible. I had never grieved before, so I needed help navigating the process. Also, lean on your friends, though they may not be completely sympathetic because this has been going on for so long. I doubt they know how bad it still is for you. Maybe there is one friend you can confide in or one family member. I can give you the names of some good books if you like.

 

 

Thank you. I hadn't really realised how little of myself there is left. I go to work,come home, watch tv and sleep. Rinse and repeat. I centre my time on interactions with him. I centre my conversations on him. I plan to do things...with him. I have lost interest in everything. I was so young when I met him I don't even know what I wash interested in back then- I was a young teenager! I've grown up but taken him with me throughout my twenties. My identity is ...him.

[Zahara]

Thank you. I hadn't really realised how little of myself there is left. I go to work,come home, watch tv and sleep. Rinse and repeat. I centre my time on interactions with him. I centre my conversations on him. I plan to do things...with him. I have lost interest in everything. I was so young when I met him I don't even know what I wash interested in back then- I was a young teenager! I've grown up but taken him with me throughout my twenties. My identity is ...him.

 

What have you decided in terms of taking steps forward at this very moment to change your path?

 

What are you planning to do?

[robynredness]

What have you decided in terms of taking steps forward at this very moment to change your path?

 

What are you planning to do?

 

I have yet to contact him- it will be a week tomorrow. I have started joining my flatmate when she goes to her gym classes. I have deleted his number (although I do know it off by heart but at least it's not in my phone I suppose)

 

I have tried to list what I can remember I used to be interested in- in the hope I can start these things up in the new year- but I'm finding that very difficult.

 

The Christmas present he got me I've tucked away out of sight. I know you will say throw everything out but I'm finding that also quite hard. I've been reading back over this thread a lot- reading the comments over and over does genuinely help- feeling I can kick it, other people have done it.

 

I think the test will be not contacting him over the next few days. It's baby steps xx

[I'mNotYourGirl]

Thank you. I hadn't really realised how little of myself there is left. I go to work,come home, watch tv and sleep. Rinse and repeat. I centre my time on interactions with him. I centre my conversations on him. I plan to do things...with him. I have lost interest in everything. I was so young when I met him I don't even know what I wash interested in back then- I was a young teenager! I've grown up but taken him with me throughout my twenties. My identity is ...him.

 

 

Your story really moved me and i really want to help. Pull yourself together and cut this toxic man from your life. No more coming back from work and watching tv. After work you will go out with friends. Party,doing sport, learning something new.Find hobby. I'm sure you are good in something. Stop thinking about this man. He is using you in the most humiliating way. You said you don't love him so much that you would die without him. You are just accustomed to him. I don't want to sound cold and cruel but he doesn't care about you. He only take care about his needs. You will see his true colors when you tell him this: If you want to be f-buddies from now on you must pay my rent, do shopping, buy me new car, and take me to vacations.

You will see he will run away like scared dog. Why he can have whatever he wants from you and you can't even get love? Leave his ass and you will start to feel happy and alive.

[Zahara]

I have yet to contact him- it will be a week tomorrow. I have started joining my flatmate when she goes to her gym classes. I have deleted his number (although I do know it off by heart but at least it's not in my phone I suppose)

 

Block his number. Deleting doesn't do much when he contacts you and ropes you back in. If you truly want to move on from this you need to go cold turkey NC. You may have the willpower to stay away from contact, but you cannot be accessible to him whereby he can jeopardize your efforts to heal.

 

I have tried to list what I can remember I used to be interested in- in the hope I can start these things up in the new year- but I'm finding that very difficult.

 

There is no rush. You don't have to start making lists and jumping into it right away.

 

The Christmas present he got me I've tucked away out of sight. I know you will say throw everything out but I'm finding that also quite hard. I've been reading back over this thread a lot- reading the comments over and over does genuinely help- feeling I can kick it, other people have done it.

 

You don't have to throw it away but yes, keep it hidden and tucked away so it isn't reminding you of it. Maybe when you have moved on, you can revisit it and then decide what to do with it.

 

I think the test will be not contacting him over the next few days. It's baby steps xx

 

Again, block him. When you feel the desire to contact, read this thread or post on here and ask for help in terms of getting you through that urge. The urge always passes. It comes and it goes but you must never act on it/react. Call your friend. Call your mother, they have the gift of knocking sense in your head. Post here. Go for a walk. Remind yourself that you need to break the cycle. Tell yourself that you deserve better.

[robynredness]

Block his number. Deleting doesn't do much when he contacts you and ropes you back in. If you truly want to move on from this you need to go cold turkey NC. You may have the willpower to stay away from contact, but you cannot be accessible to him whereby he can jeopardize your efforts to heal.

 

 

 

There is no rush. You don't have to start making lists and jumping into it right away.

 

 

 

You don't have to throw it away but yes, keep it hidden and tucked away so it isn't reminding you of it. Maybe when you have moved on, you can revisit it and then decide what to do with it.

 

 

 

Again, block him. When you feel the desire to contact, read this thread or post on here and ask for help in terms of getting you through that urge. The urge always passes. It comes and it goes but you must never act on it/react. Call your friend. Call your mother, they have the gift of knocking sense in your head. Post here. Go for a walk. Remind yourself that you need to break the cycle. Tell yourself that you deserve better.

 

 

Thank you! It feels so ...nice to have people posting to help, it really does. This has probably ruined my past few years without me even realising it. Until I read al of this I ...knew it was bad/unhealthy but not quite this bad.

 

But I have started the baby steps. I told the girl I live with and she's been taking me to the gym with her just for focus on something else. Only been a few days but it's quite enjoyable so far. I don't have him on any social media so that's ok but I can block his number rather than delete- the temptation is what I'd be a sucker for. Especially if he decides to send messages to get me back to seeing him xx

[grlfriendinacoma]

I'm 25. We dated before becoming f buddies so it's coming up 8/9 years he's been in my life in some shape or form now. Shameful I know.

 

No shame. Like I said, I was dragged along for 7 years (well with a minor break in between). But guess what? I CHOSE to be dragged along. He made it very clear he didn't want a serious relationship and for one reason or another, I couldn't let go. Sometimes, it just takes time for you to open your eyes.

 

I'm glad you're focusing on your health and finding your identity without him. 25 is a great age as you are becoming more mature, but you are still young enough to make mistakes and learn (well I guess that applies to every age, but in different ways).

 

I have been training for a marathon and yesterday I ran 10 miles. I have felt so strong and proud of myself and guess what? None of that has ANYTHING to do with any man. I'm really learning to love myself and value myself and I will have higher expectations from my next partner. I know you can do the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Sara

[okc85]

OH, you're only 25?!

 

You're going to be fine! Just keep busy and rebuild your confidence.

[samaraa]

I also feel touched by your story, robynredness. Zahara has given spot-on advice. So glad to hear you're taking positive steps for your well-being. "Little drops of water make the mighty ocean;" big things are often comprised of small things. The healthy choices you make are important progress. I hope you continue to feel encouraged.

 

Posting here can be therapeutic, and you should post as often as you like. If you haven't already, I recommend you also seek a therapist--a professional who's experienced with these situations and might lend additional perspective and encouragement.

 

All the best to you.

[robynredness]

What have you decided in terms of taking steps forward at this very moment to change your path?

 

What are you planning to do?

 

So it has been really DAMN hard. I haven't broken it yet but I'm thinking....I'm thinking.... Should I get in touch with him and tell him how I feel? Should I ask him if he would consider getting back together?

 

If this is one last ...I dunno. I can't stop thinking about 'what if'.

 

If he gives the answer "no I will never want to be with you"... It's done.

 

But I was thinking of asking him if he would consider giving it one last chance - we've both changed and we could try getting together again. In all the years we've been doing this, I've never told him I want to be with him again- I think he thinks I'm happy being fbuds.

 

Or would this just be an exercise in utter humiliation? I'm sorry to ask this. It's just been on my mind.

[Zahara]

Really? You want to chase the guy that:

 

1. You dated for two years that wasn't exactly amazing?

2. The guy that dumped you?

3. The guy that demoted you to a fbuddy for 6 years?

4. The guy that always said he didn't love you?

5. The guy that always said he didn't want to be with you?

6. The guy that only came around because he could get sex and company from you?

7. The guy that cheated on his girlfriend with you?

 

You're going through denial and bargaining. It's stages of grief and healing. You will start questioning and doubting yourself. It's normal. Just don't react on it. These are passing emotions.

 

If after 6 years you still want to ask him if he wants you, then go ahead. But deep down you already know the answer. A man that wants you doesn't keep you as a fbuddy for 6 years.

 

Your best bet is holding on to your dignity and pushing through.

Edited January 11, 2015 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

So it has been really DAMN hard. I haven't broken it yet but I'm thinking....I'm thinking.... Should I get in touch with him and tell him how I feel? Should I ask him if he would consider getting back together?

 

If this is one last ...I dunno. I can't stop thinking about 'what if'.

 

If he gives the answer "no I will never want to be with you"... It's done.

 

But I was thinking of asking him if he would consider giving it one last chance - we've both changed and we could try getting together again. In all the years we've been doing this, I've never told him I want to be with him again- I think he thinks I'm happy being fbuds.

 

Or would this just be an exercise in utter humiliation? I'm sorry to ask this. It's just been on my mind.

 

Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful idea.

[okc85]

So it has been really DAMN hard. I haven't broken it yet but I'm thinking....I'm thinking.... Should I get in touch with him and tell him how I feel? Should I ask him if he would consider getting back together?

 

If this is one last ...I dunno. I can't stop thinking about 'what if'.

 

If he gives the answer "no I will never want to be with you"... It's done.

 

But I was thinking of asking him if he would consider giving it one last chance - we've both changed and we could try getting together again. In all the years we've been doing this, I've never told him I want to be with him again- I think he thinks I'm happy being fbuds.

 

Or would this just be an exercise in utter humiliation? I'm sorry to ask this. It's just been on my mind.

 

 

You deserve better, don't message him

[robynredness]

Really? You want to chase the guy that:

 

1. You dated for two years that wasn't exactly amazing?

2. The guy that dumped you?

3. The guy that demoted you to a fbuddy for 6 years?

4. The guy that always said he didn't love you?

5. The guy that always said he didn't want to be with you?

6. The guy that only came around because he could get sex and company from you?

7. The guy that cheated on his girlfriend with you?

 

You're going through denial and bargaining. It's stages of grief and healing. You will start questioning and doubting yourself. It's normal. Just don't react on it. These are passing emotions.

 

If after 6 years you still want to ask him if he wants you, then go ahead. But deep down you already know the answer. A man that wants you doesn't keep you as a fbuddy for 6 years.

 

Your best bet is holding on to your dignity and pushing through.

 

 

Maybe I am clutching at straws. I suppose me asking isn't going to suddenly make him say "yes I will try again" when he's been getting it all for free. Think I was hoping for something/anything to 'keep him' and hoping I talk him into being with me.

 

I can't explain why I want someone who is all the points you say above. I just feel like maybe...maybe if he didn't/doesn't know how I felt...knowing might change his mind?

But it won't... Will it

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe I am clutching at straws. I suppose me asking isn't going to suddenly make him say "yes I will try again" when he's been getting it all for free. Think I was hoping for something/anything to 'keep him' and hoping I talk him into being with me.

 

I can't explain why I want someone who is all the points you say above. I just feel like maybe...maybe if he didn't/doesn't know how I felt...knowing might change his mind?

But it won't... Will it

 

He does know. He doesn't care. There's no reason for him to go above and beyond the call of duty to get the exact same thing he's been getting for free for six years. His perception isn't going to change out of the clear blue sky -- that's not how men work.

[robynredness]

He does know. He doesn't care. There's no reason for him to go above and beyond the call of duty to get the exact same thing he's been getting for free for six years. His perception isn't going to change out of the clear blue sky -- that's not how men work.

 

So when he says "why do you get jealous when I am talking about other girls.... Why do you care... Why are you acting so strange" ....he knows why. He just doesn't want to face up to it.

 

I'm flogging that horse. Gross x

[Simon Phoenix]

So when he says "why do you get jealous when I am talking about other girls.... Why do you care... Why are you acting so strange" ....he knows why. He just doesn't want to face up to it.

 

I'm flogging that horse. Gross x

 

Yes. It's a guilt mechanism he uses to keep you in line. And he's been effective at it for more than a half-decade. You question him, he makes you feel like crap for questioning him, he gets you back to where he wants you and you willingly go along with it because your sense of self went bye-bye a long time ago.

[robynredness]

Yes. It's a guilt mechanism he uses to keep you in line. And he's been effective at it for more than a half-decade. You question him, he makes you feel like crap for questioning him, he gets you back to where he wants you and you willingly go along with it because your sense of self went bye-bye a long time ago.

 

I was thinking of telling him I want to try again because I thought he may not know. If he knows then I think id just be embarrassing myself even further. If that's possible.

 

Thanks though. R x

[Simon Phoenix]

I was thinking of telling him I want to try again because I thought he may not know. If he knows then I think id just be embarrassing myself even further. If that's possible.

 

Thanks though. R x

 

Of course he knows. I mean, you have to snap out of fantasy land and join the real world here. I'm not saying that to be mean, but you've willfully deceived yourself for a long time. It's time to move forward in your life. This guy will likely never see you as a romantic option, but it's guaranteed to never happen that way if you continue your pattern. I mean, after six years it's clear that your course of action is flawed.

 

It's time for you to stop wasting time and put yourself in position to find a man who values you romantically and not just as someone to have sex with.

[BC1980]

I was thinking of telling him I want to try again because I thought he may not know. If he knows then I think id just be embarrassing myself even further. If that's possible.

 

Thanks though. R x

 

Oh, he definitely knows that you see him as more than just sex, and I think he takes advantage of that fact. He may not be sitting somewhere laughing at you and maliciously calculating what he's doing, and he may even feel guilt about it. But make no mistake that he knows exactly how you feel.

 

I really feel for you because this has been going on for so long, but you've got to keep holding tight to your dignity if you ever want to dig yourself out of this hole.