TabbyHearts Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Hi Guys! New to the site and happy to have found a place for advice and general community warm fuzzies I've been online dating for a few years, with plenty of breaks in between, and really appreciate a sounding board for all these experiences. I guess without giving a full history, I'll cut to the current chase. I've gone on two dates with a man I met online. Our first was last Thursday and our second was on Sunday, 3 days later. There are a lot of things that went right throughout both of these dates: I knew I would enjoy his company, I had a feeling before we met. We majorly hit it off and turns out we know someone very close in common (guy I have worked with for 8 years is his best friend). We had lots of other things in common and it turns out I have actually seen this guy before in the flesh. He says he remembers seeing me too and I made a joke "and you didn't just fall in love with me then?!" to which he replied "Well I'm falling in love with you now!" (LINE) Anyway on the first date he tells me he really likes me/I'm so pretty, etc. and then schedules a specific second date for Sunday. We made out a lot and there was chemistry for certain. Sunday rolls around and this time we meet for brunch. He kisses me upon meeting and we hold hands across the table the whole time (well except when eating ). Before we leave he says "I'm not going to see you for a few weeks now, I have Christmas plans and then one of my friends is coming back into town and then we're all going away for 5 days over New Year's, but keep January 10th free to do something." January 10th at this point was 3 weeks away, but I like the fact that he clearly had looked at his schedule, thought of this date as the next possible time he could see me, and since it was the end of the second date, he didn't have to ask me out again if he wasn't feeling it. All that stuff I believe are good signs. So the "problem" is: his lack of communication is annoying the hell out of me. My advice to someone who asked me "I can't meet up with this girl for 3 weeks, how should I behave in the meantime?" would be to strike a balance of not getting over attached to communication, leaving nothing to discuss when you DO see each other, but send her a quick sweet/funny message every few days to let her know there's still an interest and to not lose momentum and risk losing her. This guy has not contacted me at all. I sent him a text the day after Christmas and he did reply, but he literally for the past week now has not reached out, despite making a specific date with me in the future. I've heard of guys taking the advice to not contact between dates, save it all for face to face. I'm interested to hear your opinions, and of course ultimately the true test will come when the 10th of January rolls around. Also, I can see he's on the dating site quite frequently (hey, we've had 2 dates, I expect nothing in this regard, don't think I have the right to), but it irks me a tiny, tiny bit.
aggie382 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Not hearing from a guy between dates when the dates are a couple days apart wouldn't bother me too much. But not hearing from him for weeks on end between dates would just not fly. 3
Tina747 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I can definitely understand why it irks you. It might probably me too... But on the other hand the Holiday season does usually involve a lot of activity with friends, family and travel and considering you have just started dating and you seem to be a good match it might not hurt to wait till the 10th and see how things go from there. Maybe continue to go online in the mean time too and open yourself up to other possibilities just in case. And if it ends up working out with him then wonderful. If not, then you didn't invest yourself too much. However, if after the next date he continues to go weeks in between with no real contact I would assume he is just not into it enough. 2
rs3399 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I can understand it bothering you but some guys just don't like to text or aren't very active on their phones. Was he communicating a lot before he went away? The fact that he scheduled a date with you before leaving would seem like he is pretty interested and maybe doesn't realize he should be texting you when you already have set plans
Author TabbyHearts Posted December 28, 2014 Author Posted December 28, 2014 Was he communicating a lot before he went away? The fact that he scheduled a date with you before leaving would seem like he is pretty interested and maybe doesn't realize he should be texting you when you already have set plans Not really. We spoke online for one day which sparked the interest and then we texted for a week before we met up, it was maybe a random text every day or two him just saying 'hope you had a nice day'. I do have to admit that it's not like we had long daily text convos and then radio silence. We've maybe had 3 'conversations' outside of our dates. It's totally plausible that he thinks, we have plans, I'll talk to her then, no need to rush. I suppose what I meant by seeing that's he's on the dating site is a small part of me is like...oh he can talk to new girls but not to me. But that's the crazy talking, and to be honest, it's what you get for online dating..I'm having conversations with other guys too, but I'm most excited by him. I guess his silence is kind of making me question if we ever will make it to a third date. But I texted him just the once and he did reply, so it's all down to him now, I really want him to show me that he is interested! A small text even once a week while we're waiting would go a long way.
mangetout Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Then wait it out. Don't text him. Let him text you. I personally think he should be making effort by keeping you interested. Three weeks is a long time and anything can happen. You could go on a date with another person as far as he is concerned. So if he is interested then he will text you 3
Author TabbyHearts Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 still no word besides his reply the day after Christmas to my text. Life gets back to normal tomorrow for most people so I half expect to hear from him this week, especially since he "made a date" with me for Saturday, but I'm starting to feel disappointed. I don't want to be waiting around all week for his text, it makes me wonder why I even get involved in dating in the first place. I guess you have to try, right? In the past my impatience would get the better of me and I would force the issue by texting the guy, but this time I'm trying to do things differently. I do wonder if I take the initiative, maybe things will work out...on the other hand I want HIM to get in touch with ME, I want to know that he is interested. I think I've already made my interest clear. Man do I hate disappointment.
vivi_angel89 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I'm in the same situation as you right now. It's been going on like this for the past 2 months. I held on because I was hoping that he liked me. I think he is simply not that into you...I know it sucks to hear this but trust me, if someone really likes you, he won't disappear for weeks without asking you how you are doing. You deserve so much better! 2
EgoJoe Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 He has a life. He set a date and will give you his undivided attention then. If you want to talk to him. Call him. He'll probably be very happy about it. I have a brand new love interest in my life and we had several crazy dates. She initiates, I respond, I let her know "I'm very busy but I'd love to see your creative work, it will be a welcome distraction when I can afford it." We have tentative plans for later this week. I think about her and I see immense potential but it's important for me to not overdue it and to give her an opportunity to miss me. If she called right now I'd be happy, thank her and if I could talk I would, if I couldn't I'd call her back later after telling her I was too busy to talk right now. Hope this helps, good luck.
Author TabbyHearts Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 thank you for this perspective EgoJoe....one question. If you see huge potential, etc...how come you don't want to lock her down, let alone initiate contact with her?
Gottabestrong Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Hi Tabby, this sucks. Guys who were really interested in me never went more than a couple days without contacting me, those who did always turned out not to be. Hope I am wrong, but I would not get my hopes up about this guy, even if he gets in touch to confirm the date for Saturday. My advice - if you can stand it - would be to not get in touch to confirm if you still have plans for Saturday, but wait for him to do that. If you have not heard from him by a certain date you are happy with, I would assume the date is off and if he then texts you - say on Saturday - I would not reply for a while and then tell him I thought the date was off when he did not get in touch to firm up plans. Good luck!
Author TabbyHearts Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Thanks Gottabestrong! My gut says that he will still get in touch, but either way I am leaning towards believing that he asked me, he initiated the plan, so he needs to be the man and follow through. I know that by Saturday night at the latest I will have my answer, it's the waiting and the wondering for the next 5 days that is getting to me.
mortensorchid Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 At this point, in the beginning of some new / potential relationship, it's been my experience that if you have not heard from the man within the first 24/48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again 90% of the time. 10% of the time (which this man is falling into), he might call you a few days/weeks later, and you might have a second get together with him, but after that it's done. That 10% will call because they were mildly interested in you, or they were just calling to see if you were waiting by the phone, or they were bored, etc. But he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to a second get together. After the second get together, you will not hear from him again because he's not that into you.
EgoJoe Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Because if I know she's interested it becomes a matter of quality of interaction versus quantity. Women have all sorts of Men barking at their door, phone etc. I'm not claiming to know his mindset merely telling you. Pick up the phone and call him. Tell him things changed you're free sooner and would love to see him specifically. See how he reacts. I had plans for this weekend with new girl but it's becoming painfully obvious that we are falling like a sack of bricks for each other. So we're getting together tonight. Because she texts me and tells me she's interested, she calls me and she shares the details of her life with me without over sharing. A lot of good guys who are not doormats are catching on to the fact that we are harder to come by than good women. Just call him and talk to him, ask him why he hasn't called. You'll be happier and he'll be taken back in a good way from your approach
Author TabbyHearts Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Update: He never got in touch. The day of our supposed 3rd date has come and gone and he's another guy who ghosted. I am disappointed, he had a lot of qualities that I'm looking for in a guy, but obviously I'm trying to be mindful of the things I didn't like about him, mainly the fact that he has disrespected me! Rejection sucks, but I'm thankful for 3 things: 1) It didn't drag on. He could have continued to date me further and further and taken months of my life 2) This person did not exist in my life 1 month ago. It goes to show that someone can come along out of nowhere that you can end up liking, it has happened before and it will happen again! 3) At least I had a good makeout session out of the whole ordeal, even if I did end up with a cold. I'm still having feelings of anger towards him because I do feel like he led me on, but I just have to look at it all as another lesson and more dating experience under my belt. Who knows, maybe one day I'll actually get good at dating! Thanks for all your opinions and advice anyway
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Don't ever expect communication when someone has company or is on vacation or out of town. It's just a mindset. They WANT to get out of their daily routine and welcome the change. If he hadn't told you, then that would be one thing. But he told you exactly. You barely know him and can't expect him to be doing daily "sweet nothings." It would be ludicrous. He has a life. He may be a guy who always has a life apart from his girlfriend. Many people do.
Author TabbyHearts Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Don't ever expect communication when someone has company or is on vacation or out of town. It's just a mindset. They WANT to get out of their daily routine and welcome the change. If he hadn't told you, then that would be one thing. But he told you exactly. You barely know him and can't expect him to be doing daily "sweet nothings." It would be ludicrous. He has a life. He may be a guy who always has a life apart from his girlfriend. Many people do. I didn't expect daily "sweet nothings", in fact I wouldn't have wanted that since we had only been on 2 dates. My point when starting this thread was wondering if, when the next date is not until a few weeks away, it was normal for a man who said he was interested to not text at all. My personal feeling on this, during the situation and now having been through the situation, is that the person should keep at least a small level of communication if the next date cannot happen for several weeks due to circumstances. If anything, out of fear that you might lose someone you are interested in. My point now is: the date didn't happen. He never got in touch with me again so in the end, his lack of communication meant it was over. It just would have been nice to know instead of me having to wonder for 3 weeks. 1
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I think at the time he made the schedule, he meant to keep it. I've known guys who disappeared so long that I was certain I'd never see them again and then they show up as if it's the most normal thing in the world just to visit, not even just to get laid. I mean, it's not great and can be frustrating, but seems like a lot of guys who are popular and stay busy and social, this will occur. I guess they're the same ones who won't remember your 10 year anniversary either. There's a lot of those out there. With only a couple of dates under your belt with him, you have to be prepared not to be uppermost in his mind. He likely did blow off the date because he had someone else pop up he wanted to try. He's probably not anywhere near ready to settle down with a woman yet.
Scaatys2014 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Sorry to hear Tabby, going thru this myself. Reading your story sounded parallel to mine. Going on 3 days of not hearing from him after a fantastic date and him telling me he's looking forward to seeing me again, right down to the amazing kiss.....I don't get it either although I HAVE to agree with preraph because it has happened before. He will be in touch at some point and my advice to you is not answer him for a few days. Its so hard because as women we think if we don't reach out they will forget about me but a guy friend of mine said not reaching out makes them wonder what you're up to, then they have to find out. So, carry on as if you have bigger fish to fry! He will catch up some point, and if he doesn't, who cares!
lovexocoach Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that experience. Unfortunately that's what dating is all about - you're going to get your hopes up about someone and then have disappointments. If a guy is really into you he would contact you and keep in touch with you unless there was a legitimate emergency and he couldn't communicate with you. Keep in mind that at this point you didn't know very much about this guy and about his life. He may have genuinely been into you at the time, made plans with you because he was caught up in the moment, and then life got in the way. Holidays are the worst time, too - too many things going on, too many distractions. Guys disappear for all sorts of reasons. Contacting him would have been a mistake. You're approaching this situation and dating the right way, in my opinion, and you did the right thing. You're showing maturity and wisdom. Chalk it up to experience. Better to move on and invest your energies looking for and finding someone who is interested in you and treats you the way you want to be treated.
Author TabbyHearts Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Thanks for your replies and words of encouragement as well, everybody! While I agree with not chasing someone who is sending you a clear message that they are not interested, for my own peace of mind to be able to go about living my life, I wanted to be amicable. Since I live in a city where it's not unheard of to bump into people, and since we know a person in common (who I work with), I decided to send him a text saying good luck and all the best. It was just like that, professional really. He replied very quickly, and said he was very sorry he didn't get back in touch, he had enjoyed our time together immensely and is interested in me but realized that his "life is so crazy right now, anyone in it would have to take a back seat." He ended the text saying "I need to be alone at the minute, but if that ever changes, I'd like to be able to give you a call." Now, I know that when someone says "I'm not ready for a relationship" it usually means...with YOU. I'm not holding my breath for this guy and I won't stop looking for someone. I know this could be a line, letting me down gently, etc., but the bottom line for me now is, it ended amicably. If I bump into him on the street or out one night, instead of getting nervous and avoiding him, or worse shooting him a nasty look, I can rest easy. That's why I did what I did. Oh and my reply to that was "If nothing has changed with me, then I'm sure that would be nice. All the best."
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Bottom line you have expectations, and you wanted to be treated a certain way. If it's not there, don't let these promising dates fool you, look at the over all picture. Go by their actions not what they tell you. I don't care what other say that it is unrealistic to communicate between dates. I know if someone is really into you they want to be in contact with you period. Guys won't text or call you because they don't want to. That right there should be a red flag.....and wasn't it tho huh?
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