I loathe Sunday's, and Weekends, and Holidays

[ThreeYearsDumb]

I'm over this time of year. Too much time off work, no routine or schedule to keep me occupied. Spent this morning cuddling with my daughter, missing the Ex thinking this is supposed to be family time. I used to take two weeks off work for the holidays, my favorite vacation if the year. Everything I do with my daughter feels incomplete because she's not here to share it. I know I can be content without the Ex. I don't need her, but I do want her. I can't let go of my past mistakes, reliving all of the past. I understand it took both of us to mess it up. I don't have her on a pedestal. I see her flaws, and can remember exactly how she used to make me feel. But I want her anyway. It wasn't so broken that we should be over. I wake up every morning and after the first thought of her passes, I try to reclaim myself for the day. I'm trying all sorts of new things and trying to reconnect with things I used to do. By nightfall I am consumed of thoughts about her. I had my chances but never fully understood until now, when it was too late. I waited too long to truly examine myself, her and the relationship. I took too long to seek counseling for my own faults. With all the progress I've made, It only helps to illuminate that we shouldn't have given up so easily. She isn't perfect, and not the type of woman that I would have expected to love, but we brought out the best in one another for a time. She brought out emotions in me that I didn't know were possible, and animated me, charged me like I've never experienced. I just wasn't experienced enough in life to recognize it. I will hate myself for sabotaging it, and cringe in despair at some of the things I did to show neglect. I withheld affection, communication, and love because I was damaged emotionally and didn't know any better, modeling behavior i learned from parent crappy marriage. I am a better person, and have begun to hope for the future. She still only sees the old me and reminds me of my last mistakes. I want to let her know what I've learned, and communicate to her all of what I've felt and learned the past year in a half. But it's not fair to her to do so. She did wait for me and had enough so I have to let her go. I still think she is conflicted but has decided that she wants to move on. She has forced herself to, so guess I have to as well. Today I will try to let go of a little bit of regret. If I can let go a little but each day I might be ready to move on in time. I certainly the feel the weight of it. I've seen people lose decades to heartbreak, and don't want that for myself. But I understand how it happens. The mountain of regret I feel for how I acted does consume me at times. I understand why I did what I did, and it wasnt egregious. There wasn't cheating or abuse, just enough to chip away at our love each day. I didn't know how to express my feelings and when I couldn't do that she withdrew as well. She had her own issues but I can't help but think my neglect and emotional flaws were the catalyst. It's like I didn't know how to love or be loved and it took years of counseling and reflection to realize it. Of course now that I am there, she isn't. The simple answer is to move on, but when you have a kid together you want to give it every chance to work. I think it can, but she's not in that place. If I push again it will only drive her away. I don't want to give up on my family and have hope she will come around in time. I worry that when she thinks back in our relationship she will only see the bad, as she seems to now by reminding me of what I did wrong. I hope there is a spark of love left that can save us. But it has been so long, and it took me so long to realize that maybe it all just is too late. This post became longer than I intended so I guess I will wrap it up by wishing us all in the throes of heartbreak a little bit of peace as we enter the new year. I have spent the last few years on my birthday and New Years hoping for a better year. I haven't had a banner year in awhile so maybe this the one. My greatest hope for happiness would be to see my family reunited but I have to be open to possibilities aside from that. Happiness can come in many forms so let's all open our hearts to a limitless future.

[Mcnulty]

You learn, you live and you try to reconcile in your head, what you could have done better. hindsight is 20/20 vision.

 

You seem to have come a long way in recognizing your faults in the breakdown of the rel. That is food for thought and may give you a little hope (I'm guessing from your post), that she may reconsider.

 

What you can do is be the best you, right now. The best dad, a good friend, a good listener and a wise soul from here on. You may get a second chance, you may not. Hope is a good thing, as long as you strive for a better future, for you and your child.

 

I wish you luck and strength.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I hope that things continue to get better for you, friend. Have a blessed New Year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[welshbambi]

Ah man, I am sorry. If it's any consolation it has been a crappy time for me too although that does not diminish it for you.

 

First of all, well done for being able to see how you could have been better.

 

Secondly....and I wouldn't normally advocate this but.....perhaps you could put all of your self-discovery in your letter? This sounds like a similar thing to me and my ex. He was like you and I was like your wife. He is broken beyond repair and for all intents and purposes I don't think I exist to him actually, even though I did everything I could to support him. However, I am not going to pretend that, even though I know us getting back together would probably not work, it would mean the world to me to have some validation that I WAS cared for, I WAS good enough but not appreciated and that I WAS special.

 

If you decide to write the letter, amke sure you are clear that this is not an attempt to win her back even though you would be open to the idea if she wanted to. Not something that needs to be addressed straight away and if she did want to, that you would recognise the changes that would need to be made in yourself and the relationship and would want to take things slowly so that you can both re-build solid foundations of trust, openness and communication.

You would also need to say that you are writing the letter because she deserved an explanation after being patient and kind.

 

Oh man, I would give anything to have mine write that to me.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

Hi Welshbambi,

 

I'm sorry you are struggling as well. I do think it helps ease the isolation of what we're feeling to know that others are in the same boat, at least it does for me. I have considered writing the letter, but since she is in a new relationship, I don't think it is fair to them. I don't want to play the martyr and suffer in silence, but I think it is only fair to her. I have had the opportunity to express some of what I've experienced. Her response was basically why didn't you know this years ago? I think she is still confused and has sent me some mixed messages, but recently asked me if I've moved on from her yet. I told her no, but I'm working on it. She is still angry with me. I would love nothing more than to write a letter expressing more, I'm just not sure it is the time or place just now. Of course that way of thinking has sunk me before with her. Thank you for your reply! It means a lot when someone takes the time to respond with their honest advice. I hope you are coping well today!

[welshbambi]

Well I think you are being very considerate of her feelings, and you right that sending her a letter if she has started a new relationship would not be right. It would be kinda awkward.

 

Just a word of warning, if she is angry with you then don't allow her to punish you indefinitely for your behaviour. Yes, you could have done better in your relationship but you didn't and it sucks but she is moving on and dragging your transgressions through the mud at every opportunity to make herself feel better will not facilitate moving on for either of you.

 

I say this because my ex stuffed over his ex-wife, who he had two kids with, as badly as he stuffed me over really. She really does hate him (and now I can see why!) but even 2 years on she still takes every chance she can to hurt him, wind him up and generally punish him. As a result, he is like a puppet on a string and he doesn't do anything in his life if he thinks it will upset her because she just rainstorms him with abuse. He is terrified she will take the kids away (he gets them every weekend) and although he could fight for access, the likelihood is he would see them less under a court ruling because of "quality time" policy.

 

So whilst it is wonderful that you are considering her own needs over yours, don't allow yourself to become a doormat to be punished for the foreseeable.

[ThreeYearsDumb]

I do have tendencies to still put her needs over my own. It has been my default setting for awhile. Sometimes it is because putting my daughters needs first also falls in line with her needs over mine, but others it is because I still want to make her happy. I know it's not my job, but I want to see her happy. I don't think I've been a complete doormat, but I have always tried to make coparenting easier by putting both of their needs first. It is something I need to be conscious of everyday. Obviously my daughter comes first, that is a given

[welshbambi]

Of course, and that is exactly how it should be.

 

Oh were there a magic wand we could all wave to make these things easier!!!

[ralfgarnett]

I'm over this time of year. Too much time off work, no routine or schedule to keep me occupied. Spent this morning cuddling with my daughter, missing the Ex thinking this is supposed to be family time. I used to take two weeks off work for the holidays, my favorite vacation if the year. Everything I do with my daughter feels incomplete because she's not here to share it. I know I can be content without the Ex. I don't need her, but I do want her. I can't let go of my past mistakes, reliving all of the past. I understand it took both of us to mess it up. I don't have her on a pedestal. I see her flaws, and can remember exactly how she used to make me feel. But I want her anyway. It wasn't so broken that we should be over. I wake up every morning and after the first thought of her passes, I try to reclaim myself for the day. I'm trying all sorts of new things and trying to reconnect with things I used to do. By nightfall I am consumed of thoughts about her. I had my chances but never fully understood until now, when it was too late. I waited too long to truly examine myself, her and the relationship. I took too long to seek counseling for my own faults. With all the progress I've made, It only helps to illuminate that we shouldn't have given up so easily. She isn't perfect, and not the type of woman that I would have expected to love, but we brought out the best in one another for a time. She brought out emotions in me that I didn't know were possible, and animated me, charged me like I've never experienced. I just wasn't experienced enough in life to recognize it. I will hate myself for sabotaging it, and cringe in despair at some of the things I did to show neglect. I withheld affection, communication, and love because I was damaged emotionally and didn't know any better, modeling behavior i learned from parent crappy marriage. I am a better person, and have begun to hope for the future. She still only sees the old me and reminds me of my last mistakes. I want to let her know what I've learned, and communicate to her all of what I've felt and learned the past year in a half. But it's not fair to her to do so. She did wait for me and had enough so I have to let her go. I still think she is conflicted but has decided that she wants to move on. She has forced herself to, so guess I have to as well. Today I will try to let go of a little bit of regret. If I can let go a little but each day I might be ready to move on in time. I certainly the feel the weight of it. I've seen people lose decades to heartbreak, and don't want that for myself. But I understand how it happens. The mountain of regret I feel for how I acted does consume me at times. I understand why I did what I did, and it wasnt egregious. There wasn't cheating or abuse, just enough to chip away at our love each day. I didn't know how to express my feelings and when I couldn't do that she withdrew as well. She had her own issues but I can't help but think my neglect and emotional flaws were the catalyst. It's like I didn't know how to love or be loved and it took years of counseling and reflection to realize it. Of course now that I am there, she isn't. The simple answer is to move on, but when you have a kid together you want to give it every chance to work. I think it can, but she's not in that place. If I push again it will only drive her away. I don't want to give up on my family and have hope she will come around in time. I worry that when she thinks back in our relationship she will only see the bad, as she seems to now by reminding me of what I did wrong. I hope there is a spark of love left that can save us. But it has been so long, and it took me so long to realize that maybe it all just is too late. This post became longer than I intended so I guess I will wrap it up by wishing us all in the throes of heartbreak a little bit of peace as we enter the new year. I have spent the last few years on my birthday and New Years hoping for a better year. I haven't had a banner year in awhile so maybe this the one. My greatest hope for happiness would be to see my family reunited but I have to be open to possibilities aside from that. Happiness can come in many forms so let's all open our hearts to a limitless future.

 

 

I agree with you about the time of year, too much time spent in the boozer when she was here I hardly ever went, too much time to dwell and think and ruminate oddly though I am feeling quite calm at the moment maybe its the anti depressants are working, I wish she was here though its been a crap xmas and I expect a crap NY but what can we do ?, we just need to keep mind body and soul together and get through the best we can