nofeelings22 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Funny, I feel just the opposite after 25 years of marriage. I think you and I have had a lot of the exact same experiences, except our marriages were polar opposites. You need the fire, because you didn't have it. I feel I need the security because I didn't have it to the extent I wanted to. I long for a stable relationship with someone who is not diagnosed mentally ill. Ha ha ha I mean, they still need to be hot/attractive... Another alternative I've been kicking around is just to say screw the whole thing and just date until the end, like so many people are doing now. I think your method seems reasonably satisfying and fun... considering doing that as well.
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 It's amazing how people are dancing around what seems like a fairly simple question, and trying to hybridize the options Why is that amazing? From your posts I don't think you have had a relationship with a woman that you liked, but those of us who have experienced good ones are likely to not see that as an either/or choice. Pardon the cliche', but with a coin having two sides which leads to us humans having both good and bad qualities, I'll have to lean more towards the former. Well of course it behooves a person to be aware of the chasm of the good and bad before you go in with both feet Which is the good and which is the bad side in this question? Anyway speaking for myself, I need all of that stuff EXCEPT for "bad passion," which to me means drama, jealousy, rage, and a lot of other stuff I can't live with.
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 If somebody is a passionate person by nature, having passion in their life is probably required for them to be content, so it can't be one or the other?
Tayken Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Why is that amazing? From your posts I don't think you have had a relationship with a woman that you liked, but those of us who have experienced good ones are likely to not see that as an either/or choice. Which is the good and which is the bad side in this question? Anyway speaking for myself, I need all of that stuff EXCEPT for "bad passion," which to me means drama, jealousy, rage, and a lot of other stuff I can't live with. Wrong in your assumption.....you had "good ones" to the point that you are now here ...right.
nofeelings22 Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) So Robert, it seems you and I have very similar lives, except our marriages were polar opposites. You are looking for the flame you didn't have. I'm looking for the higher level of security you just don't get marrying the diagnosed mentally ill. But I have to say, a large part of me feels like saying screw the whole thing and go the sugar route a while.... Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
CrystalCastles Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I like that. My ex's favorite trick was to run in the bedroom and slam the door whenever she didn't want to talk about something. If I tried to follow her in she would hold the door handle! It was like dealing with a three-year old. [And no I never struck her or ever threatened to do so. She had no reason to be afraid of me. It was how she avoided confrontation of any sort. That or she just called me names.] But what about anger? Passion is a two-sided coin. You don't seriously claim to be living a life of bliss, do you? Robert, how long ago did your marriage end? I took a look at your posting history, and you left your wife over 2 years ago. Why have you not moved on? Why are you still bringing up your ex ad nauseum? We all get how much you hate her, alright? Maybe you need to put her behind you and continue on with your life.And while you're at it, maybe you should also get it through your head that not every marriage fails, and not every woman is your ex. Surprise surprise. You ask, in your OP, a question which you present as either or. I don't believe you can be happy with only one of those two things. At least, I can't. I want to have good passion- I want to have great sex, I want to lust after my partner, I want us to be spontaneous and fun. And I have that, in my relationship, and its been that way for the entire duration of my relationship (6 months). But I want to know he won't leave me. I want security, I want to never worry that he's cheating on me or that he doesn't love me. I think life is too short to stick with a boring but secure person, or a passionate but drama-filled person. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I have comfort and security from my family so I am not desperate to find it elsewhere. Most purely comfort/security marriages seem depressing to me and like someone else said, like another full time job. On the other hand if passion means stress and drama then no thanks. I have a simple rule: if relationship adds more happiness to my life than when I am single, then I will stay. I have never found this though so I am not holding my breath. 1
Author Robert Z Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) Robert, how long ago did your marriage end? I took a look at your posting history, and you left your wife over 2 years ago.. Because she has been dragging out property issues to this day and trying to screw me at every turn. So I am constantly reminded. And the marriage itself ended four years ago now. But it has been very complicated and we retain some mutual interests. But she has certainly shown her true colors. It has confirmed my worst suspicions about her intentions all along. She is a con artist. She will lie, cheat, and steal to get what she wants, including lying to a judge while under oath. I have sat there and watched her do it several times. Beyond that, I want other men to know what a living hell marriage can be. And you don't get over 25 year of hell like a bad day at the beach. And you never completely get over a betrayal that cost a large percentage of your life. She stole the best years of my life based on a lie. I can never have that back. I want men to know that. It was a trap, pure and simple. And I was far too trusting. Edited December 29, 2014 by Robert Z
todreaminblue Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 you have to keep the spark alive in a marriage i feel..for some it takes work for others it might come easy..the spark is passion.....contentment and security should be there if the marriage is healthy.....i think if there is not contentment and security theres possibly a lack of trust....and thats a problem.i really do believe you need all three..correction..maybe i need all three to marry..........deb 1
CrystalCastles Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Beyond that, I want other men to know what a living hell marriage can be. And you don't get over 25 year of hell like a bad day at the beach. And you never completely get over a betrayal that cost a large percentage of your life. She stole the best years of my life based on a lie. I can never have that back. I want men to know that. It was a trap, pure and simple. And I was far too trusting. Yes, but she is one woman. One. There are bad people and there are good people. Unfortunately your wife was a bad person, but it is utterly ridiculous that you feel the need to "warn" other men about getting married. Other men are with other women, who are not your wife. Their marriages will not be yours. It is ridiculous that you make these statements based on your sole experience and no other information. Anecdotal evidence is not reliable evidence. 3
CALOVELY Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Because she has been dragging out property issues to this day and trying to screw me at every turn. So I am constantly reminded. And the marriage itself ended four years ago now. But it has been very complicated and we retain some mutual interests. But she has certainly shown her true colors. It has confirmed my worst suspicions about her intentions all along. She is a con artist. She will lie, cheat, and steal to get what she wants, including lying to a judge while under oath. I have sat there and watched her do it several times. Beyond that, I want other men to know what a living hell marriage can be. And you don't get over 25 year of hell like a bad day at the beach. And you never completely get over a betrayal that cost a large percentage of your life. She stole the best years of my life based on a lie. I can never have that back. I want men to know that. It was a trap, pure and simple. And I was far too trusting. What was the lie? To answer your question, I prefer passion. For some reason I am most comfortable when my life is a series of excitements. In a way, that is my comfort and makes me feel secure.
Danda Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 LRT/Marriage without passion is like being really good friends with your roommate. It is an overall positive thing, for sure, but you still have something missing in your life (if you value romance/sex/passion/etc). My second boyfriend and I were together for a bit over 3 years. Extremely close as friends, not close at all as lovers. Zero passion, only had sex twice, no romance, very low physical affection if I didn't initiate, and even then I was usually ignored. We would have some amazing conversations, stimulating debates, a **** ton of fun hiking/camping/hunting together, lots of shared laughter while sharing a bowl and watching effed up documentaries at 3AM, etc. Really was the best friendship of my thus-far life, I think, but there was always that awkward sadness, the loneliness that was hard to articulate, the jealousy and frustration brimming under the surface, threatening to explode into some Jerry Springer level fight on any given evening. To this day I don't know if I regret it all or not. It's a weird mix of both, I guess. But I know it wasn't normal and it left a couple marks on me.
BlueIris Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) Luckily, in reality it isn’t an either/or proposition. But if the scales tip in one direction, I prefer to have a marriage founded more on security than passions. The men I dated who described themselves as passionate were too high-drama and volatile, were black and white thinkers, generated too much conflict. I prefer solvers and builders. Edited December 29, 2014 by BlueIris 1
Tayken Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 I have comfort and security from my family so I am not desperate to find it elsewhere. Most purely comfort/security marriages seem depressing to me and like someone else said, like another full time job. On the other hand if passion means stress and drama then no thanks. I have a simple rule: if relationship adds more happiness to my life than when I am single, then I will stay. I have never found this though so I am not holding my breath. Bold 1: I concur with this, and how many times have we read here people looking for someone to "make them happy" in terms of comfort and security, which leaves you wondering if indeed SOME women actually do set out with ulterior motives of security as opposed to sincere honest relationships. Divorced mothers for a examples looking for a guy to help put a roof over them and their kids head, as well as take care of the financial stuff all for the sake of some lousy sex. Bold 2: This is a good yardstick to apply, and that is how I have been viewing my dating thus far.
Got it Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 (edited) So Robert, it seems you and I have very similar lives, except our marriages were polar opposites. You are looking for the flame you didn't have. I'm looking for the higher level of security you just don't get marrying the diagnosed mentally ill. But I have to say, a large part of me feels like saying screw the whole thing and go the sugar route a while.... I think this definitely plays a factor as well. Since my first marriage lacked the passion, I have prioritized it with the knowledge/caution on the negative side of it. So it is a fluid balancing act between the passion and contentment/security. I am a passionate person by nature, and a strong personality, so I need someone that can match it. That is something that attracted me to my husband, and keeps me attracted, is his strong personality that is balanced by a logical mind and a soft heart. So, sure, I think all three, just a give or take every day. But no passion, doesn't work for me. I had that, it is just a very deep friendship. Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Woggle Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Both but I urge anybody who wants a healthy relationship to stay away from people who view the two as mutually exclusive. Of course they aren't but many people view it that way. I say that if somebody can only find passion through drama and strife they are actually a very boring person. 4
Author Robert Z Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) So Robert, it seems you and I have very similar lives, except our marriages were polar opposites. You are looking for the flame you didn't have. I'm looking for the higher level of security you just don't get marrying the diagnosed mentally ill. But I have to say, a large part of me feels like saying screw the whole thing and go the sugar route a while.... What surprised me was the level of passion that I found. Now I'm hooked! I should have loved my wife a fraction as much. In a sense it isn't hard to understand why I fell in love. In effect I had intimate contact with about 40 gorgeous women [escorts and strippers]. One was bound to light my fire given the numbers, don't you think. And I did get to be great friends with one stripper who rocked my world. It was incredible! She actually got me to produce a spontaneous primordial growl!!! I've never made such a sound in my entire life. I swear I sounded just like Worf on Star Trek! I could hardly believe my own ears. She ended up being my barber!!! She was about to finally go out with me when she met the love of her life. Missed by THAT much! But she was another one who brought things out of me that I didn't know existed. I am still seriously debating if I should essentially date sugar babies. Maybe I can strike gold twice. Maybe the next one will love me back. But I am pursuing all suitable candidates for the moment. The advantage of dating sugar babies is that you can date out of your league and still have a shot. But at the moment I am having some luck with a number of women I thought would be out of my league. So we will see. The day may come when I will want contentment. But for now I choose fire. And I'm such a sucker for beautiful women that I'm highly flammable. Burn baby burn. PS - the power thread - you like-ah the brain teaser, eh? Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
nofeelings22 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 What surprised me was the level of passion that I found. Now I'm hooked! I should have loved my wife a fraction as much. In a sense it isn't hard to understand why I fell in love. In effect I had intimate contact with about 40 gorgeous women [escorts and strippers]. One was bound to light my fire given the numbers, don't you think. And I did get to be great friends with one stripper who rocked my world. It was incredible! She actually got me to produce a spontaneous primordial growl!!! I've never made such a sound in my entire life. I swear I sounded just like Worf on Star Trek! I could hardly believe my own ears. She ended up being my barber!!! She was about to finally go out with me when she met the love of her life. Missed by THAT much! But she was another one who brought things out of me that I didn't know existed. I am still seriously debating if I should essentially date sugar babies. Maybe I can strike gold twice. Maybe the next one will love me back. But I am pursuing all suitable candidates for the moment. The advantage of dating sugar babies is that you can date out of your league and still have a shot. But at the moment I am having some luck with a number of women I thought would be out of my league. So we will see. The day may come when I will want contentment. But for now I choose fire. And I'm such a sucker for beautiful women that I'm highly flammable. Burn baby burn. PS - the power thread - you like-ah the brain teaser, eh? Thanks for this response. Makes complete sense. One of the various things women look for is financial security. You can't go around bragging on POF that you're doing well financially, which means some of the hottest ones skip you, missing out. At least with the route you have gone, they know up front, so you can lead with one of your many strengths. It's like a backdoor in. I'm going to hit that approach as well. Right now I did get a POF girl who is of great quality and driving 10 hours to come see me this week. The compatibility is there and she is 10 years older than the oldest girl I've been with since my marriage ended. She is 32. That's possible relationship material. Many of my 18-23 yo super hotties have come from the EDM scene, but no harm in adding another whole group in. Throw enough sh%t at the wall, some is bound to stick. And power thread... agreed. ha ha ha But I have too many brain teasers in real life. I am on loveshack to relax!
Author Robert Z Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) I would like to remind everyone that the question does not imply that passion and contentment are mutually exclusive elements of a relationship. Rather I asked which do you value more? In that sense it is exclusive. I doubt any relationship can have perfect balance except where lightning strikes. So aside from the extremely lucky, one or the other will be lacking to some degree in any relationship. So on which would you rather yield. And I think it is fair to say that nothing is all good or all bad; and there are no free rides. Every option in life comes with a price. Contentment can mean boredom. Passion can mean conflict. One of the most passionate relationships that I've ever had was with a Spanish girl who had stereotypically hot Latin blood! Man, the sex was incredible but I couldn't handle her temper. Edited December 30, 2014 by Robert Z
Got it Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I would like to remind everyone that the question does not imply that passion and contentment are mutually exclusive elements of a relationship. Rather I asked which do you value more? In that sense it is exclusive. I doubt any relationship can have perfect balance except where lightning strikes. So aside from the extremely lucky, one or the other will be lacking to some degree in any relationship. So on which would you rather yield. And I think it is fair to say that nothing is all good or all bad; and there are no free rides. Every option in life comes with a price. Contentment can mean boredom. Passion can mean conflict. One of the most passionate relationships that I've ever had was with a Spanish girl who had stereotypically hot Latin blood! Man, the sex was incredible but I couldn't handle her temper. I think also where you are in life will affect this. In my younger years, because of my childhood, I needed security in the way of predictability more than passion. I grew up with parents who were very "passionate" in a pretty dysfunctional way and was tired of the drama. So my ex husband was so attractive because he was the antithesis of passion. He was a steady eddy, analytical, even keeled person. And I needed that desperately at that time. So a more even amount of both is what will help get through the ebb and flow . Too much one side or the other and you stand to feel unfulfilled.
nofeelings22 Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) My wife was 8 years younger and though crazy, was one of the hottest girls on the planet, kid you not. 5"1"(i like short), maybe 100lbs, beautiful brunette with D's. Crazy as hell though. Diagnosed mentally ill. So, I went for fire last time. Shooting for a little more security this time. But.. being with her had me regress to her age outwardly, rather than her acting older. I also just plain relate better to younger people. I have no idea how to socialize with people who have houses, kids, dogs, career titles the care about, etc. , The virtual army of super hot 18-23 yo girls I have been with originated through that music scene. Somehow I'm able to fit in and be thought of as cool, while at the same time being a better guy than the young ones thanks to experience. So... fish in a barrel. Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Robert Z Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) But.. being with her had me regress to her age outwardly, rather than her acting older. I also just plain relate better to younger people. I have no idea how to socialize with people who have houses, kids, dogs, career titles the care about, etc. Same here... at least so far. But my days at the strip club were what I called, forgive the expression, hot babe boot camp. I figured saturation therapy was the key to comfort and familiarity after 25 years of bleh. So that set the tone. But I did see an escort who was probably close to 40. We ended up friends and still maintain contact. We didn't have quite the right chemistry but we got along great. [politics got touchy! ] But most escorts that I've seen were under 30. I dated a few younger women that I met online but to no avail. And one wanted to use whips on me! But I'm just looking to have fun. If I'm attracted to someone I'm not going to ask for a resume. , The virtual army of super hot 18-23 yo girls I have been with originated through that music scene. Somehow I'm able to fit in and be thought of as cool, while at the same time being a better guy than the young ones thanks to experience. So... fish in a barrel. Funny, I never seriously considered the rave scene. I'll have to ask my sb what she thinks. Edited December 30, 2014 by Robert Z
Rainbowlove Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 After twenty years of marriage, security and contentment are ever present. Passion, deep passion...comes and goes. It's normal for us. Kids, work, bills, and life get in the way of constant deep passion in terms of sex, but passion between the couple can be the kiss in the corner when the kids are watching TV or the warm hug when someone's doing dishes, or cooking...passion takes on many forms, but contentment and security are the foundation of longevity in a relationship for me. 1
Shepp Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Passion. (Obviously both, but if its either or, then passion)j The good with the bad, the electricity, romance & sex, along with the arguing over who's responsible for the lost TV remote or why wherever I stand in the bathroom is exactly where she wants to be standing. I've got all the contentment and security a guy could need in my family, im lucky, so im free to go after passion in a relationship!
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