kivo127 Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 I'm a 23 year old grad student and haven't had much experience dating guys (mostly because I was in a five year relationship that has since ended). Anyways, there is a guy I met and am starting to really like. We have hung out multiple times with mutual friends and have kissed on several occasions. The problem is, is that I feel like I get too fixated on one guy and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I almost feel like I'm trying too hard to make it work. I'm not sure what his feelings are for me but what is the best way to slow mine down?
Topaze Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 .....and that's the problem with becoming physically intimate with a man too soon. I can't imagine kissing a man until I am sure that he feels something for me and that he is"into me" and that takes time. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up to be used for sex and dumped. Slow down the physical intimacty until you know where you stand with this guy. Try to get to know him bettter. In the meantime, hedge your bets and date other people. Easier said than done I know.
Author kivo127 Posted March 25, 2005 Author Posted March 25, 2005 Thank you for your reply. I am definitely going to take your advice. Is there any reason to refrain from asking him what his feelings are next time he tries to kiss me or should I hold out on asking and kissing until I have a good feeling that he does like me?
Topaze Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 Next time he tries, refrain from kissing him and be honest and tell him why. See how he responds. Even if he "tells you what you want to hear" I would still hold off until you get to know him better and see if he backs up his words with actions. Some men will say ANYTHING to get insides a woman's panties. This thread gives an example of exactly the type of thing you're setting yourself up for if you're not careful and I don't think that this is what you're looking for: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59456/ For more ideas about this do a Google search for some articles on this topic by some clinical psychologists: townsend cloud "just friends"
Hund1976 Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 The problem is, is that I feel like I get too fixated on one guy and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. Love is a gamble, you have to take chances, sometimes you get hurt, but its worth it when you finally get one that works out. If you've only kissed the guy I wouldn't worry about going to far with him too quick. Most guys who are just looking for some action will only go on a couple dates with someone without getting some booty before they move on to someone else.
blind_otter Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 I don't see how kissing equals sex, being that I've done both and one definately involves a little more...intimacy...than the other. But I think this has more to do with the fear of intimacy that comes along with ending a longterm relationship like you did. I have the same problem but my friend stopped the kissing so I'm pretty sure he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. Most guys looking for action would have looked for that action already, considering what you've described he doesn't sound like that kinda guy. Believe me I've had my share of experiences.
lovesucks Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 I have just come out from a 14 year relationship and still going thru the emotional transition phrase and was not prepared to set myself up before long. That's what I told myself two and a half months ago before I met this guy out of the blue when I was most certain I was not ready to get involve so soon. But sometimes, things are not always what you plan. Now 2 and a half months later, I considerate myself quite involved with him already, both sexually and emotionally. I am experiencing a lot of things with this man I never felt or discovered before and that's why there is a very strong chemistry between us. I know that he also feels the same way. Even I still keep telling myself to slowdown my feelings and I even told him too that "I have to go slow" but it seems to me somehow we are already quite involved. I still have a voice at the back of my head to remind myself to stay cool, e.g. never call him too often and only see him twice a week (inclusive of one weekend sleeping over at my apartment). But whenever I see him, my guards are down and I fall head over heels for him. .... I guess my point is it is not difficult to control your behaviour but it is very hard to control your feelings for someone. And if you are sure this feeling you have of him is not just a sexual fling, and that he is damm serious about you IMO you got to NOT hold back and give it a fair chance. So far besides the fantastic sex between my boyfriend and I, we spend quality time together chatting, enjoying each other company to get to know each other better. We don't know if it will work out between us, if it doesn't it will mean there is another lesson learnt about yourself. If it works out, it is your lasting happiness. You can't lose either way.
Author kivo127 Posted March 26, 2005 Author Posted March 26, 2005 I'm definitely going to give the situation a chance but am going to hold out until I know I'm not just being used. I want to try to do things right for once so I feel good about my decisions in the end. It's a whole new ball game when you meet someone completely new as opposed to a friend you've known and grow feelings for. You don't know anything about their past relationships and history. I guess it just makes it all that more challenging!
Topaze Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Exactly....kissing is ot sex but it is very intimate, not to be shared with just anybody. Can you imagine continuing to kiss him, developing deeper and deepr feelings and he gives you the "just friends" speech? Trust me, it's tough enough when you hang out with a guy and develop a deep emotional bond with him WITHOUT kissing. You need to clarify where he sees the relationship, not just by his words but by his actions, before you give him your heart or your lips. This may take some time and in the meantime, you should be dating other people.
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