How to let someone down who has HIV or AIDS

[ediebrick]

Earlier in the week I posted an earlier thread asking whether HIV - persons would date someone with HIV. I was hoping everybody would say, "yes, i would. HIV isn't a deal breaker" but instead everybody said the opposite. My friends also all said the same thing...

 

Earlier this year I opened a private practice. I received a call through the local HIV center asking whether I could provide medication management services to persons at the local HIV center, many of whom are on Medicaid. I said I would like to see the center before I agreed to anything. Thus, the owner told me to tour the facility When I arrived, a nice guy started showing me around and was very talkative to me. He then asked me for my business card to give to the center's director.

 

Later that night, I receive a text saying "I hope I'm not bothering you. You make a really good impression" I knew he was flirting w me and responded because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Now he is texting me everyday alluding that he wants to take me to lunch and telling me how beautiful I am. I keep texting back bc I don't want to hurt his feelings. If he were HIV negative I would definitely date him, but I can only assume he is positive.

 

So here is my question:

1) How do you politely ask someone their respective serostatus?

2) If they are positive, how do you turn them down nicely??

 

I guess I feel bad because I am sure HIV + people are rejected all the time, and I hate, hate hurting people's feelings!

Edited December 28, 2014 by ediebrick

[amaysngrace]

Go to lunch with him and offer your friendship if you want. It doesn't mean you have to swap spit.

[SomeDude16]

Interesting situation. I'd say if you like him and the only hang up is the HIV/Aids then go out with him to see if you are even compatible. If you feel a connection fine. When he try's to escalate ask the question if he has HIV, because of the nature of his work you want to be sure. Go from there.

 

Not sure where you live but in 32 states Criminal transmission of HIV can be a felony, so lying really isn't an option...

[most_distant_galaxy]

I understand why you dont want to hurt his feelings. But if he is HIV+ he probably knows that most women would risk their health being with him and he would be understanding. I would tell him that I'd like to hang out as friends. Then, I would try to learn whether he is HIV+... For instance I would assume that he has it and I would ask him casually how long is he HIV+ and discuss how HIV+ people have a lot better quality of life nowdays etc etc. And if he was indeed, I would tell him later that Im not looking to date because I just broke up with someone or because Im developing my career, something like that.

[anne1707]

Not everybody in that thread said they would not date anybody who is HIV+.

 

For a start, don't assume that this guy is HIV just because he is from the centre, although it is a definite possibility. If he is, I would suspect he would be pretty open about that because of his work and would also realise that for some people, dating him would not be an option. However I would imagine he is also pretty up to speed on how to safely have a relationship if things were to progress.

 

Key things - don't assume, don't judge. Read up on transmission - there is a lot of assumed nonsense as your previous thread showed from some of the responses.

[evanescentworld]

The fact a person has HIV does not automatically mean that (a) you would get it or that (b) either they or you will die because of it.

 

The treatment and management of HIV has moved forward by so many leaps and bounds that it is fortunately (here in the West, anyway) a massively critical medical issue.

It also doesn't mean that the person contracted it via 'shady' dealings with others, improper behaviour, risky sex or irresponsible partnering.

 

I lost 3 very good friends to HIV/AIDS, around 20 years ago.

Given today's treatments, they would all still be alive, if the medical advances made of late, had been available then.

[preraph]

I don't know why someone who worked there would be HIV+. Isn't he just an employee or caregiver or something? Certainly you should feel free to ask or just go out on a lunch and see if the subject comes up and if not, bring it up. I had male friends, a handful of them, die from HIV who said they were being careful. I don't necessarily believe they were as careful as they said, but anyway, it's nothing to mess around with. But unless this guy is a patient, there is no reason to think he has HIV just from being around HIV in the workplace.

[preraph]

 

I lost 3 very good friends to HIV/AIDS, around 20 years ago.

Given today's treatments, they would all still be alive, if the medical advances made of late, had been available then.

 

Evanescentworld, just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I had three close friends I lost from AIDs plus some of their friends, who were more my acquaintances. One of them was like a brother to me, and I was asked to give the eulogy. I think of them every day and miss them. I hope that dark time is behind us, but meanwhile I am left completely without my entire gay-guy circle of friends, so there has been no coming back from it for me. It left a particular void that remains unfilled.

[Toodaloo]

Just because someone works at an AIDs clinic does not mean that they have AIDs/ HIV... If I am brutal I would imagine that they are more likely NOT to have it as they need to stay healthy to do their job and will be only to aware of the risks and how to prevent the disease spreading...

 

I think you need to be a bit more positive about this chap.

[evanescentworld]

......The treatment and management of HIV has moved forward by so many leaps and bounds that it is fortunately (here in the West, anyway) a massively critical medical issue.

 

This SHOULD read:

The treatment and management of HIV has moved forward by so many leaps and bounds that it is fortunately (here in the West, anyway) NOT a massively critical medical issue.

 

 

Evanescentworld, just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I had three close friends I lost from AIDs plus some of their friends, who were more my acquaintances. One of them was like a brother to me, and I was asked to give the eulogy. I think of them every day and miss them. I hope that dark time is behind us, but meanwhile I am left completely without my entire gay-guy circle of friends, so there has been no coming back from it for me. It left a particular void that remains unfilled.

You also have my deepest sympathies and I can totally equate with your sentiment of an unfillable void....It's a tragedy that although great strides have been made lately with regard to medication for this disease, it was not in time to help our close friends.

Lovely, gentle, friendly people, with whom I could talk about everything and anything, and always with fun, good humour and total ease.

Even when it was known they were HiV positive, it deterred nobody in their circle from being with them (and remember the virus was more dangerous then!) and they faced their (then inevitable) imminent demise with courage and fortitude.

What a loss. I miss them.

 

Death is not on the agenda, with HiV, nowadays, or certainly, not as definitely as it was in the late 80's and early 90's....

[evanescentworld]

To underpin my previous post, I have added this informative link.

[Robert]

Let's swing this back on topic, which is:

 

How to let someone down who has HIV or AIDS

Thanks

[aggie382]

Before letting him down, don't you need to know that he actually has HIV? Working at a homeless shelter doesn't mean a person is homeless. Working at a dialysis center doesn't mean a person's kidneys are bad.

 

It sounds like you're really freaked out just at the idea of HIV.

 

I'd find a way to find out his status first. Take him to lunch, ask him what it's like being positive. Something like that. If he's indeed positive, just act like a FRIEND.

[ediebrick]

My first question was how to ask without being rude so I am keeping an open mind.

 

To the people who respectfully said that I need to educate myself about HIV, I just wanted to say that I recently graduated from medical school and during my schooling I worked in an HIV clinic. I saw many people who started out as serodiscordant couples who ended up both HIV +. Although it is difficult to contract HIV if you are safe, it does happen!

 

I think I will just have to ask him his status

[aggie382]

My first question was how to ask without being rude so I am keeping an open mind.

 

To the people who respectfully said that I need to educate myself about HIV, I just wanted to say that I recently graduated from medical school and during my schooling I worked in an HIV clinic. I saw many people who started out as serodiscordant couples who ended up both HIV +. Although it is difficult to contract HIV if you are safe, it does happen!

 

I think I will just have to ask him his status

 

I'm sure people weren't assuming and will not assume in the future that you are positive just because you work(ed) there, the way you are making that assumption towards others who work at an HIV clinic.

[Maleficent]

Not everybody in that thread said they would not date anybody who is HIV+.

 

For a start, don't assume that this guy is HIV just because he is from the centre, although it is a definite possibility. If he is, I would suspect he would be pretty open about that because of his work and would also realise that for some people, dating him would not be an option. However I would imagine he is also pretty up to speed on how to safely have a relationship if things were to progress.

 

Key things - don't assume, don't judge. Read up on transmission - there is a lot of assumed nonsense as your previous thread showed from some of the responses.

 

This. My ex worked in a centre for people with HIV (was also not infected). I will also assume he would be upfront about being HIV+ if he was.

 

OP going on a few dates with him does not mean you have to put yourself in a situation where you could get sick.

Just make sure you know if he is HIV+ before having sex with him.

 

As far as asking him, a part of me thinks he is probably used to it and if he not HIV+, he might prefer you ask him rather than assume he is HIV+ and refuse his advances...

Just try to ask him in the most polite way possible.

 

As far as hurting people's feelings. Well, considering your health is on the line, I'd say you are totally entitled to refusing to date someone who is HIV+.

[anne1707]

My first question was how to ask without being rude so I am keeping an open mind.

 

To the people who respectfully said that I need to educate myself about HIV, I just wanted to say that I recently graduated from medical school and during my schooling I worked in an HIV clinic. I saw many people who started out as serodiscordant couples who ended up both HIV +. Although it is difficult to contract HIV if you are safe, it does happen!

 

I think I will just have to ask him his status

 

Well to be fair, based on your OP, how were we supposed to know this was your level of expertise? Sadly, as you will know, too many people are pretty ignorant on how HIV can be transmitted.

 

However as you say, there are no absolute guarantees of 100% safe sex and I am sure this guy would appreciate an honest let down rather than a lie in an attempt to protect his feelings (assuming you find out he is HIV). He probably has to put up with too many polite lies like that if that is the situation.

[todreaminblue]

just like you have stated, you would find out what his status was first there is just as much of a chance he is negative as he is positive.....

 

if it does turn out he is positive ....i would avoid all the bs and just be straight up, people with hiv are no less deserving of respectful honesty than any other person without the illness.....honesty doesn't mean rudeness just fact.....the fact being you would feel comfortable dating someone who had hiv because however minute it might be there is still that risk even with safe sex of contracting the illness..i snot rude...just truth.. and all you can and do want to offer is your friendship.

 

whenever i want to say something right without hurting anyone elses feelings doesn't matter what the case is, if i try to put myself in their shoes.....and treat them how i would want to be treated...with respect...with honesty with compassion.......it always works out right..

 

 

 

sometimes you cant avoid hurting someone......but there is a way you can lessen and soothe the sting....just imagine that its you that you are talking too.....good luck....deb