What's with this guy and why is he dating me?

January 3, 2015

Draw up a list of how you'd expect someone in a 'somewhat serious' relationship to treat their partner. What actions would he take/not take? This list is for you so you can see if he's matching up to reasonable expectations. If he isn't, then withdraw from the relationship because it is not what it's supposed to be. Why not tell him calmly that if you were in a serious relationship he would be doing x, y, and z. He isn't so clearly you are both free to date others and find that serious relationship.

I think he's used to being a guy in demand if he's as attractive as you say and he doesn't have to chase women. They come to him. A guy like him can become a bit lost - he has lots of opportunities but no-one that will stand up to him and make him respect her, so he carries on playing around because he can. At the same time, he has too much choice and ends up confused.

If you feel you cannot compete with other women on looks, because this guy is physically very attractive, then you need to establish respect. As he does regularly seek out your company for more than physical fun, you do have some influence here. You have the power to withdraw your company until he is more respectful and starts to plan properly to spend time with you. You can just be busy if he doesn't give you enough warning. If he doesn't plan something and make it clear you and he will be having dinner, going out to a film, or whatever, then you should assume you are a free agent and make alternative plans so he realises you are busy. Ultimately, he will understand he has to make an effort for you and be respectful or you simply won't be available.

So, no last-minute phone calls from him. If he doesn't follow through with plans, ignore his messages and do something else. If he quibbles, tell him you are not in a serious, exclusive relationship with him, then let him stew over that. The idea is that he learns that you are worth fighting for and won't be messed around. If he respects you, you may end up with a decent relationship with this guy who basically just sounds a bit spoilt.

January 3, 2015

Okay, so he finally called me last night at 7:30 asking me if I still wanted to go. I said yea. I was confused by this question since we've been planning to spend New Years together since September. He then told me we can't go to AC because he didn't have enough gas to get to the train station. We ended up going to Friday's and ordered appetizers and drinks because it was cheaper for happy hour, that's what he said. We then went to a casino and he didn't kiss me at midnight. He told me later he had a sore throat and was complaining about it. I asked him what he thought we were and he said we're in a serious or sonewhat serious relationship. I didn't ask him about monogamy or exclusivity though. So what the hell is with this guy. He barely calls me and then cancels our original New Years plans because he didn't have gas? I thought we were just casually dating, but he doesn't. He said we can go to AC maybe next month and he is planning a trip to California with me this summer. We were also in his car and a cop was coming down the street and he freaked out and got so nervous. I asked him if he had ever been in trouble with the cops and he said no, just that if he did that would be it. What's wrong with him?

You asked if what he did was bad. In my opinion, yes a little something at christmas is appropriate and expected at 6 months. Did you get him something? Or wanted to but didn't because you suspected he wouldn't get you anything? So that's disappointing how that played out. From a list of stuff you mentioned, perhaps he is very low on cash which can make dating hard to do. I think a person who is serious about you, mature and relationship-minded but in not the best financial position finds ways to make it still an evening. Or at least if this was priority to him (since he asked in september) would follow through and had enough time to save for something. That said, 6 months in, you could have paid for atlantic city trip together. It's lame that he called at 7:30pm the night of NYE. Why is he expecting that you will just be sitting there? To me, that sounds like he takes you for granted. In my experience, guys that are into you like to make a plan to make sure he books you for the evening. A lot of guys aren't great with the details of planning so i wouldn't get hung up on that part BUT to not confirm he is spending the evening with you until 7:30pm the night of seems disrespectful toward you. If you thought the two of you were just casually dating, then why would once a week be a bad thing? I think it sounds like you accept a casual dating arrangement from him but want more--he gives you a casual dating arrangement but calls it more to pacify you and string you along. To me, the NYE situation wouldn't bother me as much as the fact that there hasn't been much progression to more and not very much frequent contact. I guess six months in, I talk/text with my guy several times a day. Oh yeah, and condom-gate. That sh*t wouldn't fly with me.

January 3, 2015

If you feel you cannot compete with other women on looks, because this guy is physically very attractive, then you need to establish respect. As he does regularly seek out your company for more than physical fun, you do have some influence here.

Yes, look around and study other couples. I have seen many very good looking guys, for example 9/10's, with girls that are lesser in the looks department. If you really pay attention, one of the big things this type of relationships have in common is that those women THINK they are amazing and demand respect. Therefore, the guy thinks he has some sort of prize and wants to be with her. Truth is looks play a big part in how people get together but it's not the only reason people get together/stay together. Don't sell yourself short. Focus on qualities you have that stand out and I am big believer in doing the best with your looks that you can do. A lot of what people think is gorgeous is actually smoke and mirrors. Hey, if it gives you more confidence and draws a guy to you and has him treating you well, why not use it?!! I think when it comes to looks and either doubting or believing in your position within the relationship, you just go back to the first few dates. Consider yourself good looking enough for whoever you go out with if they've asked you out. It means you passed and are within the range of what they find attractive. They will CONTINUE to date you if you have the other stuff they look for.

January 3, 2015

Draw up a list of how you'd expect someone in a 'somewhat serious' relationship to treat their partner. What actions would he take/not take? This list is for you so you can see if he's matching up to reasonable expectations. If he isn't, then withdraw from the relationship because it is not what it's supposed to be. Why not tell him calmly that if you were in a serious relationship he would be doing x, y, and z. He isn't so clearly you are both free to date others and find that serious relationship.

I think he's used to being a guy in demand if he's as attractive as you say and he doesn't have to chase women. They come to him. A guy like him can become a bit lost - he has lots of opportunities but no-one that will stand up to him and make him respect her, so he carries on playing around because he can. At the same time, he has too much choice and ends up confused.

If you feel you cannot compete with other women on looks, because this guy is physically very attractive, then you need to establish respect. As he does regularly seek out your company for more than physical fun, you do have some influence here. You have the power to withdraw your company until he is more respectful and starts to plan properly to spend time with you. You can just be busy if he doesn't give you enough warning. If he doesn't plan something and make it clear you and he will be having dinner, going out to a film, or whatever, then you should assume you are a free agent and make alternative plans so he realises you are busy. Ultimately, he will understand he has to make an effort for you and be respectful or you simply won't be available.

So, no last-minute phone calls from him. If he doesn't follow through with plans, ignore his messages and do something else. If he quibbles, tell him you are not in a serious, exclusive relationship with him, then let him stew over that. The idea is that he learns that you are worth fighting for and won't be messed around. If he respects you, you may end up with a decent relationship with this guy who basically just sounds a bit spoilt.

Thanks so much for your advice. I really appreciate your time and insight.

January 3, 2015

You asked if what he did was bad. In my opinion, yes a little something at christmas is appropriate and expected at 6 months. Did you get him something? Or wanted to but didn't because you suspected he wouldn't get you anything? So that's disappointing how that played out. From a list of stuff you mentioned, perhaps he is very low on cash which can make dating hard to do. I think a person who is serious about you, mature and relationship-minded but in not the best financial position finds ways to make it still an evening. Or at least if this was priority to him (since he asked in september) would follow through and had enough time to save for something. That said, 6 months in, you could have paid for atlantic city trip together. It's lame that he called at 7:30pm the night of NYE. Why is he expecting that you will just be sitting there? To me, that sounds like he takes you for granted. In my experience, guys that are into you like to make a plan to make sure he books you for the evening. A lot of guys aren't great with the details of planning so i wouldn't get hung up on that part BUT to not confirm he is spending the evening with you until 7:30pm the night of seems disrespectful toward you. If you thought the two of you were just casually dating, then why would once a week be a bad thing? I think it sounds like you accept a casual dating arrangement from him but want more--he gives you a casual dating arrangement but calls it more to pacify you and string you along. To me, the NYE situation wouldn't bother me as much as the fact that there hasn't been much progression to more and not very much frequent contact. I guess six months in, I talk/text with my guy several times a day. Oh yeah, and condom-gate. That sh*t wouldn't fly with me.

Thank you for your time and advice as well

I just don't know why he said we're in a somewhat serious relationship, when obviously we're not. What do you think the real reason we didn't go to AC for New Years was? He did work that day and said he was tired, but blamed it on he didn't have enough gas.

January 3, 2015

Yes, look around and study other couples. I have seen many very good looking guys, for example 9/10's, with girls that are lesser in the looks department. If you really pay attention, one of the big things this type of relationships have in common is that those women THINK they are amazing and demand respect. Therefore, the guy thinks he has some sort of prize and wants to be with her. Truth is looks play a big part in how people get together but it's not the only reason people get together/stay together. Don't sell yourself short. Focus on qualities you have that stand out and I am big believer in doing the best with your looks that you can do. A lot of what people think is gorgeous is actually smoke and mirrors. Hey, if it gives you more confidence and draws a guy to you and has him treating you well, why not use it?!! I think when it comes to looks and either doubting or believing in your position within the relationship, you just go back to the first few dates. Consider yourself good looking enough for whoever you go out with if they've asked you out. It means you passed and are within the range of what they find attractive. They will CONTINUE to date you if you have the other stuff they look for.

Good advice, I think he is attractive, but not a 10. Maybe a 8 and I consider myself a 7. He is thinner than me and is attractive, but he is no Adam Levine.

January 3, 2015

Thank you for your time and advice as well
I just don't know why he said we're in a somewhat serious relationship, when obviously we're not. What do you think the real reason we didn't go to AC for New Years was? He did work that day and said he was tired, but blamed it on he didn't have enough gas.

You're welcome. Well I wouldn't really try too hard to figure it out. He is either a) playing you by saying that b)if he is being honest, and believes you guys are in a serious relationship doesn't have the same standard as you (or most) would have for this.

Real reason for his NYE actions could be a variety of things. Sounds like he's broke, tired and not that excited about his time with you. A general principal I try to keep in mind about these sorts of things is that when you look at how a guy treats his time with you, he should be attempting to "bring his best" to the table (same as you with him). Look at it like this:

1) if he is not bringing his best to his time with you, it is either SITUATIONAL, i.e. you are not that special to him. He is not trying to impress you, make sure you have a fun time, doesn't care how you view him. This stance doesn't ring well for a good, lasting relationship. Because these sorts of people will raise their game when they believe the other person is worth it. His actions suggest he doesn't believe he needs to put in effort, thus he has deemed that you are not worth much effort.

2) OR if he is not bringing his best to his time with you, it can be due to his PERSONALITY issues that are a lasting, constant thing. Some people have no problem being a drain on another person because they are "heavy" type people, ie somewhat depressive. I don't see why you would want to sign up for more of this type of time with someone or invest in a future with him.

I have definitely been on dates with guys where things didn't go as expected either due to lack of planning, being ill, lack of funds or unforeseen circumstances that have STILL been fun and were bonding. Actually sometimes more so, because you realize how the other person is when things aren't great or will laugh together about a not ideal date. I like really nice things and nice places but if I ended up at Fridays on NYE with the right guy (any of the guys that made it to bf level with me), I guarantee we would have a good time. It's important to pick people that put effort in--in whichever way they have the means. Love and dating are supposed to be fun and bring joy into your life. Life is too short to spend time with someone who half-asses it or is super heavy with problems. People have problems but you definitely want to choose wisely based on how they deal with them.

I can't even think of an example of where someone has gotten past date one with me if they show either of these signs up front. And less than a handful where i even ACCEPTED a date from someone who acted like either of the scenarios above. It's important to listen and observe people carefully--the permanently depressive sort of guys, those are super easy to figure out. You can tell those within 5 minutes of conversation. The ones that vary their level of effort based on their interest in you--well that's an evolving thing and much more of a challenge but if they show it up front well then make them work for their time with you. Their behavior, effort and interest level in you will be much higher.

January 3, 2015

Good advice, I think he is attractive, but not a 10. Maybe a 8 and I consider myself a 7. He is thinner than me and is attractive, but he is no Adam Levine.

See that's fine. You are in the range with each other. They say the strongest relationships are the ones where there relative attractiveness of the other person is about same as yours. Definitely look around you will see many 8 guys with 7 girls!!! Then observe them. The girl will conduct herself like she is hotter than a 7 because the person that matters has bought into her assessment of herself (the 8 guy).

January 3, 2015

Thanks for your advice. I just wish things were different or he just thought we were in a casual relationship, it annoys me he thinks we're more and then acts like he doesn't care.

Why do you have to take his word for it? The next time he says you are in a really serious relationship tell him you don't feel like you are in a relationship so please stop saying it. Tell him it feels more casual to you. Watch his actions not his words. As a matter of fact if I were you I would just stop seeing him because you have fallen for him.

January 4, 2015

Well I guess he lost interest in me. He told me NYE he would call me Sat to go out, he wanted to make a day of it. Well he never called me today. I called him this afternoon and left a vm saying let me know what time we're going today and he never called me. He has made dates with me on Sun and never called, he did say he didn't like going on Sundays though for whatever reason. However he never blew me off on a Sat and he always called me back with in a few hours. What did this mean? Do you think he lost interest?

January 4, 2015

Well I guess he lost interest in me. He told me NYE he would call me Sat to go out, he wanted to make a day of it. Well he never called me today. I called him this afternoon and left a vm saying let me know what time we're going today and he never called me. He has made dates with me on Sun and never called, he did say he didn't like going on Sundays though for whatever reason. However he never blew me off on a Sat and he always called me back with in a few hours. What did this mean? Do you think he lost interest?

January 4, 2015

Don't start paying for stuff. Really good looking guys get that too often. But what you can do is reciprocate by cooking dinner or something like that.

January 4, 2015

Don't start paying for stuff. Really good looking guys get that too often. But what you can do is reciprocate by cooking dinner or something like that.

What are you talking about, I'm not paying for anyyhing and no way am I cooking him dinner, did you even read my last post?

January 4, 2015

I am still looking for decent guys. I am still trying to find someone better. I just have never had a guy like me as much as he appears to. We have fun together and I wanted to date him until another guy comes along. I just think what happened New Years was bad. One of my friends tells me to dump him and my other friend doesn't think anything is that bad and to continue dating him until someone better comes along. I am so torn and confused and really need advice.

Based on the details you give, I really don't see much of a problem here. It sounds like normal dating. The only reason its not progressing is because you don't really want it to. You're looking for someone "better".

I could be wrong, but you come off as having low confidence. It's like you dont believe in your own attractiveness. Or that you think he is more of a "catch" than you are. Perhaps you just don't fully trust him. You described him as "shady". But could it be that you're just scared of things not working out? Or that you're paranoid?

I've been in similar situations, where I was thinking similar to you.

What I've learned is that sometimes you just need to realize that you create your life. You create your relationships. You create your financial situation. We create a lot of things from our subconscious mind. That's why some situations keep repeating themselves, for seemingly no reason. For example, you say you rarely get to a second date. That is something that you have created from your subconscious beliefs about yourself, men, or dating. That's why some people are super successful in relationships, and others constantly struggle. They have different subconscious programming.

You said you want to keep dating and meet more men and that is not a bad idea...but you may find this situation keeps repeating, because you yourself haven't changed...the man may change, but your beliefs about yourself and relationships will still be the same, so you end up with the same frustrations.

If you really want to grow, and remember, that is the PURPOSE of relationships...GROWTH. If you really want to grow, then you should learn how to create harmony with this man you are seeing. It would require you to change some aspects of yourself. There might be tears, emotions, anger, frustration, and challenges, but the end result could be harmony and evolution of yourself. But you may not be ready for such a challenge and that's okay too. GL

January 4, 2015

Well I guess he lost interest in me. He told me NYE he would call me Sat to go out, he wanted to make a day of it. Well he never called me today. I called him this afternoon and left a vm saying let me know what time we're going today and he never called me. He has made dates with me on Sun and never called, he did say he didn't like going on Sundays though for whatever reason. However he never blew me off on a Sat and he always called me back with in a few hours. What did this mean? Do you think he lost interest?

Yes, I think he lost interest. Don't waste more of your time with this guy, he is not into you.

January 4, 2015

Well I guess he lost interest in me. He told me NYE he would call me Sat to go out, he wanted to make a day of it. Well he never called me today. I called him this afternoon and left a vm saying let me know what time we're going today and he never called me. He has made dates with me on Sun and never called, he did say he didn't like going on Sundays though for whatever reason. However he never blew me off on a Sat and he always called me back with in a few hours. What did this mean? Do you think he lost interest?

It means that this "relationship" absolutely sucks and you are better off without him.

January 5, 2015

Based on the details you give, I really don't see much of a problem here. It sounds like normal dating. The only reason its not progressing is because you don't really want it to. You're looking for someone "better".

I could be wrong, but you come off as having low confidence. It's like you dont believe in your own attractiveness. Or that you think he is more of a "catch" than you are. Perhaps you just don't fully trust him. You described him as "shady". But could it be that you're just scared of things not working out? Or that you're paranoid?
I've been in similar situations, where I was thinking similar to you.

What I've learned is that sometimes you just need to realize that you create your life. You create your relationships. You create your financial situation. We create a lot of things from our subconscious mind. That's why some situations keep repeating themselves, for seemingly no reason. For example, you say you rarely get to a second date. That is something that you have created from your subconscious beliefs about yourself, men, or dating. That's why some people are super successful in relationships, and others constantly struggle. They have different subconscious programming.

You said you want to keep dating and meet more men and that is not a bad idea...but you may find this situation keeps repeating, because you yourself haven't changed...the man may change, but your beliefs about yourself and relationships will still be the same, so you end up with the same frustrations.

If you really want to grow, and remember, that is the PURPOSE of relationships...GROWTH. If you really want to grow, then you should learn how to create harmony with this man you are seeing. It would require you to change some aspects of yourself. There might be tears, emotions, anger, frustration, and challenges, but the end result could be harmony and evolution of yourself. But you may not be ready for such a challenge and that's okay too. GL

Thanks for your advice and I understand what you're saying. However there are many red flags with him and he is shady. He doesn't communicate. I think I act fine on dates, but I guess dating site guys are not serious or are just looking for sex. I think I just don't have a good outlet to meet guys. I will work on communicating more in my future relationships and tell the guy how I'm feeling.

January 5, 2015

It means that this "relationship" absolutely sucks and you are better off without him.

Yea he still hasn't returned my call. It's just 5 months after getting to know each other and on our last date he told me we were in a somewhat serious relationship I think it's bad he is ghosting.

January 5, 2015

Why do you think he lost interest after our New Years date?

January 5, 2015

Hey honey, I've read all your posts. I've been in similar situations with guys, and boy do I know it. Trust me when I say it's not worth it for you to invest any further emotionally in this guy. It's just too painful. I'm guessing that he might be the type of guy who's too cowardly to just tell you that he's not feeling it - he'd rather act passive aggressive by being lazy in communication. I know it's standard stuff for guys to fade out...but I think it's a bad mark against his character that you've been seeing each other for months and he isn't going to say anything.

I also think that the fact you guys didn't have a romantic kiss on NYE is a bad sign. Men know we dig that and if a guy is trying to impress you because he likes you, you'd think he'd try and make NYE a bit special for you - by avoiding the kiss, it's like he's trying to keep you at an emotional distance and stop you developing ideas that there could be more to it.

Don't let yourself be put on a string. It'll keep wearing down your self-esteem. Does he make you feel on edge quite a lot? Lots of hugs!

January 5, 2015

Hey honey, I've read all your posts. I've been in similar situations with guys, and boy do I know it. Trust me when I say it's not worth it for you to invest any further emotionally in this guy. It's just too painful. I'm guessing that he might be the type of guy who's too cowardly to just tell you that he's not feeling it - he'd rather act passive aggressive by being lazy in communication. I know it's standard stuff for guys to fade out...but I think it's a bad mark against his character that you've been seeing each other for months and he isn't going to say anything.

I also think that the fact you guys didn't have a romantic kiss on NYE is a bad sign. Men know we dig that and if a guy is trying to impress you because he likes you, you'd think he'd try and make NYE a bit special for you - by avoiding the kiss, it's like he's trying to keep you at an emotional distance and stop you developing ideas that there could be more to it.

Don't let yourself be put on a string. It'll keep wearing down your self-esteem. Does he make you feel on edge quite a lot? Lots of hugs!

Thanks for your advice. He claimed he had a sore throat later that night and maybe that's the reason he didn't kiss me, however he could have kissed me on the cheek or hug. I am on edge on the date sometimes, especially after he says or does something strange. I just think if he doesn't even let me know we're done, he's a jerk.

January 6, 2015

Okay, so he called me around 5 and left a vm. He sounded depressed and just said he was sick over the weekend and asked me out for this weekend. I called him back 15 minutes later, but didn't leave him a vm. I guess it will say missed call, but he hasn't called me back. He called me at a time he is usually working, so I guess he took a sick day. What should I do now?

January 6, 2015

Okay, so he called me around 5 and left a vm. He sounded depressed and just said he was sick over the weekend and asked me out for this weekend. I called him back 15 minutes later, but didn't leave him a vm. I guess it will say missed call, but he hasn't called me back. He called me at a time he is usually working, so I guess he took a sick day. What should I do now?

January 6, 2015

What should I do now?

Move on, look for better options.

Do not initiate contact.

Versacehottie gave you cogent advice. Listen to her.

January 6, 2015

Move on, look for better options.
Do not initiate contact.

Versacehottie gave you cogent advice. Listen to her.

Should I answer the phone if he calls to explain why I am ending it?

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What's with this guy and why is he dating me?

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