Author GH101 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Well it sounds harsh but there is some truth to it. I go for guys in my own league look wise. They seem to find me really attractive. I've never had the problem that the OP has. .. I'm sure it isn't just about leagues here. ... my cousin is madly in love with an obese girl. He could have gotten a slimme and fitter girl yet he fell hard for her. More often than not though, it's the guys who are really attractive and who consequently, do well with the ladies, who generally won't settle and invest effort until they meet someone that knocks their socks off..... How does this apply to my situation?
Author GH101 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I am still looking for decent guys. I am still trying to find someone better. I just have never had a guy like me as much as he appears to. We have fun together and I wanted to date him until another guy comes along. I just think what happened New Years was bad. One of my friends tells me to dump him and my other friend doesn't think anything is that bad and to continue dating him until someone better comes along. I am so torn and confused and really need advice.
Leigh 87 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 How does this apply to my situation? You said that the guy in question was very attractive. You have then gone and made that other thread where you ask us: why is he with me? Usually when you meet a guy and you and him are both on equal footing in the looks department, you jjust know. .. you don't have to " worder why" he picked you. Sheesh. I never have to wonder why a guy picked me... I feel attractive to them and I know that hey maybe our personalities won't align BUT I don't have to wonder why they picked me to begin with...... So yeah, if this guy is really attractive andhe tends to gget girls easily when you don't get any second dates... He is obviously a little out of your league when it come to the looks department. A day that's OK! What's NOT OK is that you feel like you're not good enough.
Diezel Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Oh hell no. He went from AC... to Friday's? On a last minute deal at 7:30?! I'm sorry, I'm not genuinely picking about venues, but this is ridiculous. You were a last minute plan to him. Probably the last out of 3 women who just said yes so he called you up. How does he go from AC since September to last minute Fridays? Well, because he sold you a pipe dream. He never really intended to go to AC and probably thought that by now, you would take anything just to be with him a while. Dump him. Forget the whole "Keep dating him til someone better comes". This is what people do and eventually settle with the wrong person. You aren't even a FWB at this point. Right now you are just the girl who spent NYE with him and that's it. AC is NOT going to happen. A guy who just took you to happy hour at Fridays on NYE is not going to take you there NOR to California. It's all an illusion. The whole relationship is an illusion. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I don't have to tell you that something is *seriously* off about this situation. Your obvious discomfort is the first sign that this isn't right for you. Forget what HE thinks. Forget what he says about what he thinks. It's the easiest thing in the world to tell someone what they want to hear. (good for you, by the way, for giving him the direct question) His actions that speak louder than the lame words (can't kiss you at midnight because of a sore throat? bull****) His actions say that you're not special to him. His actions say that he's just not that into you. He obviously enjoys your company, and he no doubt finds you attractive, and he's happy to get oral sex when you're offering it. But he's not interested in getting involved with you - if you konw what I mean. YOu write that he's sending mixed signals, and probably when you in the middle of it, it seems mixed. But from this distance it's actually fairly clear. Move on. Don't settle for this. You CAN do better!
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 No way is this a serious relationship. I would have actually laughed at him for saying that! You say nobody has liked you as much as he appears to - honey, this guy doesn't like you all that much. It's obvious and you know it or you wouldn't be here wondering what's wrong. Don't bother continuing to date him. You're barely dating as it is. He talks big but doesn't deliver. And I hate to say it, but I don't think he ever really planned on going to AC with you. He's blowing smoke up your backside. The fact that the police make him so incredibly nervous is shady too. I would call time on this situation. It's not going anywhere.
fred123 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 she said she hasnt found someone who has liked her as much as this guy. thats a lie. i am sure there were decent guys who really liked you but cos they werent good looking enough you friendzoned them or got creeped out or something. i would never treat a friend let alone a fwb or potential gf like this. i have to respect my fellow human being. he has no respect for you. even if i didnt likw you or were repulsed by you i would still treat you 10 times better. no sympathy from me for girls like you. you make your own bed and lie in it then complain. its all the same
Author GH101 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 The only way to find out is to talk to him about it. And if he dodges the questions or tries to get cute, that is an answer too. Thanks everyone for all your advice. We have went to AC together before though for day trips. We went once to go swimming, but the place we wanted closed, so we went again the next weekend. This was back in late October. I think he used to like me more. I was happy with him in September and October and then November things seemed to change. Do you guys think he is crazy or a player? He seems like a nice guy on the date and ironically talks about other people who are shady. It seemed like he really thought we were in a somewhat serious relationship. It didn't seem like he was lying to me. I just have nobody else to date. I want to date someone with mutual attraction and he's the only one that has ever shown it. If I dump him I won't be dating. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get a second date or better ways to find them than through online dating?
Author GH101 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 she said she hasnt found someone who has liked her as much as this guy. thats a lie. i am sure there were decent guys who really liked you but cos they werent good looking enough you friendzoned them or got creeped out or something. i would never treat a friend let alone a fwb or potential gf like this. i have to respect my fellow human being. he has no respect for you. even if i didnt likw you or were repulsed by you i would still treat you 10 times better. no sympathy from me for girls like you. you make your own bed and lie in it then complain. its all the same One of my friends said the exact same thing. Do you think he is crazy or a player? He seems like a nice guy on the date and ironically talks about other people who are shady. It seemed like he really thought we were in a somewhat serious relationship. It didn't seem like he was lying to me. I just have nobody else to date. I want to date someone with mutual attraction and he's the only one that has ever shown it. If I dump him I won't be dating. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get a second date or better ways to find them than through online dating?
travelbug1996 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with keeping him around as an "STD"- Something To Do. lol Just keep your options open and don't be too available to him and don't get attached. 1
Author GH101 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with keeping him around as an "STD"- Something To Do. lol Just keep your options open and don't be too available to him and don't get attached. You're the first person to say it's okay.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 It's hard to know what to recommend (re: getting second dates) without knowing you and how you behave on dates. But a couple things to try: First, you need boundaries. This guy isn't taking you seriously whatsoever, despite what he says. A guy who is serious about you won't leave long periods without any communication, and certainly would show more interest in progressing. That isn't happening here. Second, work on your self-confidence. It's evident from your posts that you don't consider yourself much of a catch, which guys can sense. The wrong ones will also take advantage of this, as demonstrated by this current guy. It's not "wrong" to continue seeing this guy, but I do think you will end up even more frustrated and hurt.
Author GH101 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 It's hard to know what to recommend (re: getting second dates) without knowing you and how you behave on dates. But a couple things to try: First, you need boundaries. This guy isn't taking you seriously whatsoever, despite what he says. A guy who is serious about you won't leave long periods without any communication, and certainly would show more interest in progressing. That isn't happening here. Second, work on your self-confidence. It's evident from your posts that you don't consider yourself much of a catch, which guys can sense. The wrong ones will also take advantage of this, as demonstrated by this current guy. It's not "wrong" to continue seeing this guy, but I do think you will end up even more frustrated and hurt. Thanks for your advice. Why does he date me at all though if he can get other girls and doesn't care about me. Why does he spend whatever money he does on me. I'm am annoyed and upset about what happened New Years. I just don't know why or how he could think we're in a serious or somewhat serious relationship. Is he stupid, crazy or a huge mind games player?
Author GH101 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 True, sadly true. Guys in my league don't like me either. I have been out with guys I think are unattractive and ones that are unemployed and they didn't call for a second date. I try to act confident on dates but I meet them off dating sites, so it's our first time meeting, so I thought it was normal to be a little unsure and uneasy at first.
preraph Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 All you can do with this guy is keep dating him and find out more and more about him. Not saving gas money for NYE isn't a great sign as far as responsibility goes, of course. Now, this is none of my business, but your comment about doing some sexual things but not sex, I'm not asking, just saying IF what you are doing is BJs, most guys would say whatever they had to say to keep that going because to most guys, that's more desirable than actual intercourse. Again, not looking for a confirmation or a denial. Just making the comment fyi in case it applies.... If that is not what's keeping him around, then he might really like you. Of course, some guys just like a holdout or a challenge and will stay in there until they can put the notch on their belts, but let's not assume that since you have control over that anyway so it's a bit of a nonissue. Just pay attention more to what he does and is able to follow through with than anything coming out of his mouth and see if that tells you anything more about him. Don't get in any hurry to further discuss exclusivity because right now, what you need to know is if he is a liar or not. Watch and wait. Be yourself. Set boundaries. Let him know if something bothers you, like him not showing up, etc. Don't candycoat yourself to keep him around and just see what's up with him. The fact your instincts are going off may mean you're onto something. Or it could be your insecurity talking. Don't get in a hurry. Date.
Author GH101 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 All you can do with this guy is keep dating him and find out more and more about him. Not saving gas money for NYE isn't a great sign as far as responsibility goes, of course. Now, this is none of my business, but your comment about doing some sexual things but not sex, I'm not asking, just saying IF what you are doing is BJs, most guys would say whatever they had to say to keep that going because to most guys, that's more desirable than actual intercourse. Again, not looking for a confirmation or a denial. Just making the comment fyi in case it applies.... If that is not what's keeping him around, then he might really like you. Of course, some guys just like a holdout or a challenge and will stay in there until they can put the notch on their belts, but let's not assume that since you have control over that anyway so it's a bit of a nonissue. Just pay attention more to what he does and is able to follow through with than anything coming out of his mouth and see if that tells you anything more about him. Don't get in any hurry to further discuss exclusivity because right now, what you need to know is if he is a liar or not. Watch and wait. Be yourself. Set boundaries. Let him know if something bothers you, like him not showing up, etc. Don't candycoat yourself to keep him around and just see what's up with him. The fact your instincts are going off may mean you're onto something. Or it could be your insecurity talking. Don't get in a hurry. Date. Thanks for your advice. It bothers me he thinks we're in a somewhat serious relationship. That just means he is cheating on me, thinks I'm a fool or he's just nuts. I know he is probably sleeping with other girls mostly because of his missing condoms and because I'm not sleeping with him. I do give him partial bjs while he's wearing a condom. I usually do handjob though because lately he's been saying he doesn't have them and forgets to buy more. I guess he doesn't care about me giving him a bj that much because he knows I will only give it to him while he wears a condom.
dispatch3d Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Go spend new years with him is my vote. This condom thing, are you counting the condoms? How do you know there are condoms missing to begin with? Also you two aren't really exclusive yet if you aren't sleeping with him, or calling him your boyfriend, so it doesn't seem like he'd be in the wrong if he was multidating at this point?
dispatch3d Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 The questions god damn it. No idea why he likes you you could ask him. So far the only thing that seems wrong with the relationship is how often you question why he would actually like you. 1
Author GH101 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Go spend new years with him is my vote. This condom thing, are you counting the condoms? How do you know there are condoms missing to begin with? Also you two aren't really exclusive yet if you aren't sleeping with him, or calling him your boyfriend, so it doesn't seem like he'd be in the wrong if he was multidating at this point? I did spend New Years with him. Well, he claimed he bought a box of 20, then the next week the condoms were small and I asked what happened to the ones from the box and he didn't answer. The next time I brought this up be tried to get me to believe there are different sizes in each box and that there were really only 4 in the box after all. Well he said we were in a somewhat serious relationship and tries to get me to believe the girls are in the past.
Author GH101 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 The questions god damn it. No idea why he likes you you could ask him. So far the only thing that seems wrong with the relationship is how often you question why he would actually like you. You're the first person to defend him, next to my friend. You think it's okay he can go up to a week without calling me and then claims we're in a somewhat serious relationship? You think what he did New Years was okay?
stillafool Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 The guy asked you "if" you still wanted to go out NYE: translation - I hope you don't want to go out NYE because I'd rather do something else. I think he was disappointed that you still wanted to go out. That is why he did the low budget outing because he didn't want to spend his money on you. Think about it, if he really wanted to take you out NYE he would have planned for it and he didn't. He would have had the money to do something else. The fact that he didn't even kiss you at midnight or any other time is telling he is not that into you. If he really felt you were in a serious relationship he would want to hold you in his arms and kiss you. The fact is you don't put out and he probably wanted to be with someone who would give him sex, expecially on NYE. This guy probably feels he has invested so much time and is waiting because sooner or later you will have sex with him. He probably doesn't want to just kiss if no sex is involved. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with keeping him around as an "STD"- Something To Do. lol Just keep your options open and don't be too available to him and don't get attached. I think this is a fine thing to do IF you can keep yourself from getting too attached AND you use your experience with him to build your self-esteem and test some things out. First of all you need to change the language you use to talk about yourself. Second, you need to stop thinking in such absolutes. Try to say: it hasn't happened yet. Some guys like me, etc. Put things more in a 'grey' zone rather than a black or white zone while you build experiences that support the person you'd rather be. Rather than continue to create and gather experiences that build on a negative self-image. Those are the things to do with yourself. Thirdly, with him and others (dating relationships as well as other relationships) you can start building your value. Part of how you do that is not to be afraid to call someone out or speak up and as questions. How you spend your time and who you choose to invest in, gives you a right to. And the funny thing that happens, is guys respect you more for it and you are more desirable to them because of it. Basically, you need to show them that YOU have other options. Guys know that if you accept mistreatment your options are few, if any. Speaking up like your life matters and you are most important person in it communicates to others that you are worthwhile. Watch your life change when you start doing this. I'm not sure if things will turn around with this guy--it may have gone on too long and his opinion of you, as well as your patterns may be quite set at this point. But you can build your confidence by testing it out with him and anyway if he is as lazy as he sounds and not that into you, he probably won't put up with much kickback from you---if there's no chance for you guys as a couple. If there is a chance he may become intrigued. I wouldn't do it from a nagging perspective though. Just matter of a fact, just speaking up. Talk about yourself; be excited about what YOU have going on. Anyway, it's all good practice for the next ones. So in regards to this specific guy, if YOU want to keep him around for practice, back off a bit and make him work for you and start speaking up. If you want him as a boyfriend (still!! though not sure exactly why you would), i think the best bet is to cut it off with him telling him the reasons and see if he has the gumption to make his way back in. His actions sound like he could be lazy which for a lot of 27 year old guys, translates to I don't really want a real relationship; i just want a sometimes girlfriend. Anyway, enough about him, concentrate on yourself--your wants, your needs--that is the key for you. And keep it positive and open-mind. A good guy can be around the corner but if you let anyone walk all over you, you will miss out , in one way or another, on a relationship that you want and will fulfill you. Good luck 3
Author GH101 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 I think this is a fine thing to do IF you can keep yourself from getting too attached AND you use your experience with him to build your self-esteem and test some things out. First of all you need to change the language you use to talk about yourself. Second, you need to stop thinking in such absolutes. Try to say: it hasn't happened yet. Some guys like me, etc. Put things more in a 'grey' zone rather than a black or white zone while you build experiences that support the person you'd rather be. Rather than continue to create and gather experiences that build on a negative self-image. Those are the things to do with yourself. Thirdly, with him and others (dating relationships as well as other relationships) you can start building your value. Part of how you do that is not to be afraid to call someone out or speak up and as questions. How you spend your time and who you choose to invest in, gives you a right to. And the funny thing that happens, is guys respect you more for it and you are more desirable to them because of it. Basically, you need to show them that YOU have other options. Guys know that if you accept mistreatment your options are few, if any. Speaking up like your life matters and you are most important person in it communicates to others that you are worthwhile. Watch your life change when you start doing this. I'm not sure if things will turn around with this guy--it may have gone on too long and his opinion of you, as well as your patterns may be quite set at this point. But you can build your confidence by testing it out with him and anyway if he is as lazy as he sounds and not that into you, he probably won't put up with much kickback from you---if there's no chance for you guys as a couple. If there is a chance he may become intrigued. I wouldn't do it from a nagging perspective though. Just matter of a fact, just speaking up. Talk about yourself; be excited about what YOU have going on. Anyway, it's all good practice for the next ones. So in regards to this specific guy, if YOU want to keep him around for practice, back off a bit and make him work for you and start speaking up. If you want him as a boyfriend (still!! though not sure exactly why you would), i think the best bet is to cut it off with him telling him the reasons and see if he has the gumption to make his way back in. His actions sound like he could be lazy which for a lot of 27 year old guys, translates to I don't really want a real relationship; i just want a sometimes girlfriend. Anyway, enough about him, concentrate on yourself--your wants, your needs--that is the key for you. And keep it positive and open-mind. A good guy can be around the corner but if you let anyone walk all over you, you will miss out , in one way or another, on a relationship that you want and will fulfill you. Good luck Thanks for your advice. I just wish things were different or he just thought we were in a casual relationship, it annoys me he thinks we're more and then acts like he doesn't care.
Versacehottie Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Smartest thing to do when you have tendencies such as yours, is to go on people's actions. Keep in mind a checklist of how you would like to be TREATED not what he is on paper. The actions he shows you are what you should compare to see how he measures up. His actions, as you described them, sound like he wants the best of both worlds. The only way to see if he will "ante up" is to require more of him via his actions. Pull back if he is not treating you right. If he steps up, you are closer to getting what you want. If he doesn't, you have valuable information to assess if YOU want to continue. One of the best things to do, though it can be hard, is stop trying to figure out his reasoning. Do what you want, in a reasonable, respectful of another human being in a relationship sort of way. Ask yourself what you want on a very regular basis. Compare his actions to this. Repeat and so on and so forth. Keep moving forward with your goals for a relationship--if he can't keep up with them, then at some point you will have sufficient information to give him up. Realistically, you don't just want a boyfriend--you want a boyfriend who makes you happy and is worthy of you. Until you can see things this way, he will likely continue to mistreat you (as will others). There is great personal power in deciding to do something rather than have it done to you that gives you momentum to get better things into your life. Similar to what I said in my other post, you can keep him in your life for now to learn from this experience and see where it takes you. You will have to do things differently to see a "real" result with him though. Even if it doesn't work out with him, if you can do this for real, it will be a great tool for you. Big but though, IT WILL NOT BE EASY AT ALL. It's not easy to change balance of power and gain confidence in a relationship where you already are in approval-seeking mode. High likelihood of failure (for your relationship with him) with this tactic because what it requires of you is a lot. That is why I suggested if this is a guy you really could want as a boyfriend, you will have a better chance of that by breaking it off with him and being really clear as to why. And making him show you he's worthy of getting back in if he tries that in the future--through his actions. A reset, if you will. You will likely have an initial confidence boost and then in the interim it may be hard. Plus you will have to be cautious that you don't just take your same patterns over to the next guy you date. However, most guys don't tend to overanalyze like we do and it is a very clear and simple--AND MOTIVATING-- message to him. "Hey if you want to be with me you're going to have to do better". He will, if he does. If you can keep that feeling with you, while you are breaking up and afterward, you will get more from WHOEVER is in your life. I think this is most direct way to get what you want although I don't discount the other because unless you are dating someone, you often don't get very real, practical way to practice and experience this stuff. My best advice is to work on elevating yourself, loving yourself FIRST. That is the only way EITHER of these scenarios will work. You know yourself so know whether you need to step back from a relationship to get into that head space or can work on it while you are in one. I guess it's my opinion that most people need to step back if they need to build their self esteem, especially when their partner is someone whose actions tear it down. That's an awful lot to be dealing with at the same time. Let us know what happens and good luck.
Author GH101 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Smartest thing to do when you have tendencies such as yours, is to go on people's actions. Keep in mind a checklist of how you would like to be TREATED not what he is on paper. The actions he shows you are what you should compare to see how he measures up. His actions, as you described them, sound like he wants the best of both worlds. The only way to see if he will "ante up" is to require more of him via his actions. Pull back if he is not treating you right. If he steps up, you are closer to getting what you want. If he doesn't, you have valuable information to assess if YOU want to continue. One of the best things to do, though it can be hard, is stop trying to figure out his reasoning. Do what you want, in a reasonable, respectful of another human being in a relationship sort of way. Ask yourself what you want on a very regular basis. Compare his actions to this. Repeat and so on and so forth. Keep moving forward with your goals for a relationship--if he can't keep up with them, then at some point you will have sufficient information to give him up. Realistically, you don't just want a boyfriend--you want a boyfriend who makes you happy and is worthy of you. Until you can see things this way, he will likely continue to mistreat you (as will others). There is great personal power in deciding to do something rather than have it done to you that gives you momentum to get better things into your life. Similar to what I said in my other post, you can keep him in your life for now to learn from this experience and see where it takes you. You will have to do things differently to see a "real" result with him though. Even if it doesn't work out with him, if you can do this for real, it will be a great tool for you. Big but though, IT WILL NOT BE EASY AT ALL. It's not easy to change balance of power and gain confidence in a relationship where you already are in approval-seeking mode. High likelihood of failure (for your relationship with him) with this tactic because what it requires of you is a lot. That is why I suggested if this is a guy you really could want as a boyfriend, you will have a better chance of that by breaking it off with him and being really clear as to why. And making him show you he's worthy of getting back in if he tries that in the future--through his actions. A reset, if you will. You will likely have an initial confidence boost and then in the interim it may be hard. Plus you will have to be cautious that you don't just take your same patterns over to the next guy you date. However, most guys don't tend to overanalyze like we do and it is a very clear and simple--AND MOTIVATING-- message to him. "Hey if you want to be with me you're going to have to do better". He will, if he does. If you can keep that feeling with you, while you are breaking up and afterward, you will get more from WHOEVER is in your life. I think this is most direct way to get what you want although I don't discount the other because unless you are dating someone, you often don't get very real, practical way to practice and experience this stuff. My best advice is to work on elevating yourself, loving yourself FIRST. That is the only way EITHER of these scenarios will work. You know yourself so know whether you need to step back from a relationship to get into that head space or can work on it while you are in one. I guess it's my opinion that most people need to step back if they need to build their self esteem, especially when their partner is someone whose actions tear it down. That's an awful lot to be dealing with at the same time. Let us know what happens and good luck. Thanks for your advice, do you think what he did New Years was bad?
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