What's with this guy and why is he dating me?

[GH101]

Okay, so I am a 25 year old woman and I have been dating this guy who is 27 since August. We met on Plenty of Fish (dating site) He lives at home and works part time. He has never been married and has no kids as far as I know. His mom is an alcoholic and his parents were never married. He lives with his grandpa, dad and aunt.I think he's attractive, I am attracted to him, we have fun together and I like him.

 

However there are issues. Ever since we met he is always talking to me about places he wants to take me or where he wants us to go together. He started talkng about us taking trips together by the 3rd date. He acts like he loves me on the date, this past date he had brought up living together. He has been talking about spending New Years together in Atlantic City since our 3rd date. However when we're not on the date he acts completely uninterested. He has went 10 days without calling. He will usually go a almost a week without calling me; I don't text. He's still on the dating sites such as POF, OKCUPID. We never talked about where our relationship was going, but the way he acts you would think we were getting married next week. He tells me about the stupid messages he gets on the dating sites and I asked what he is looking for on them and he said a relationship.

 

I guess we don't communicate well. He never asks me where I want to go on the date, he just tells me. We usually bar hop or go to a casino. He works until 10 p.m. on weekdays and is off on weekends. We don't go out during the week because he says he has no money. This past week we just spilt a hamburger. He just ordered it and assumed I spilt it with him. We went out 5-12 on Sat night. He also thought we could go to a girl's strip club together sometime and he told me he didn''t like one of the last bars we were at because there weren't that many girls there. He does talk/sort of flirt with girls in front of me. However he includes me in the discussion. He says he lost his virginity when he was 11 and has lost track of how many girls he slept with. We have done some sexual stuff (touching, kissing, oral in his car) I'm not going to sleep with him.

I should mention it took him over a month to even kiss me. As soon as we started making out we have moved fast into sexual stuff.

 

I also should mention I am unemployed, don't have many friends and have trouble getting second dates. My one friend tells me just go out and have fun, what do I have to lose? I have nothing else and if I dump him I will just be hanging out with my family. My sister told me to dump him because he doesn't seem nice and seems like a player. Nobody I know has met him yet. He told me he has a FB, but doesn't use it, so we're not friends. He is also always scared of the police. He always wants to leave and avoid places where they're at.

 

So what's with this guy? Should I dump him? Am I reading too much into everything? He acts like a casual after when we're not on the date, but when we are he acts like we're in a serious relationship. We never talk about where this is going, but he did say things are looking good, whatever that means.

 

Thank you for your time, I just don't know what to do??

Edited December 1, 2014 by GH101

[Redhead14]

Okay, so I am a 25 year old woman and I have been dating this guy who is 27 since August. We met on Plenty of Fish (dating site) He lives at home and works part time. He has never been married and has no kids as far as I know. His mom is an alcoholic and his parents were never married. He lives with his grandpa, dad and aunt.I think he's attractive, I am attracted to him, we have fun together and I like him.

 

However there are issues. Ever since we met he is always talking to me about places he wants to take me or where he wants us to go together. He started talkng about us taking trips together by the 3rd date. He acts like he loves me on the date, this past date he had brought up living together. He has been talking about spending New Years together in Atlantic City since our 3rd date. However when we're not on the date he acts completely uninterested. He has went 10 days without calling. He will usually go a almost a week without calling me; I don't text. He's still on the dating sites such as POF, OKCUPID. We never talked about where our relationship was going, but the way he acts you would think we were getting married next week. He tells me about the stupid messages he gets on the dating sites and I asked what he is looking for on them and he said a relationship.

 

I guess we don't communicate well. He never asks me where I want to go on the date, he just tells me. We usually bar hop or go to a casino. He works until 10 p.m. on weekdays and is off on weekends. We don't go out during the week because he says he has no money. This past week we just spilt a hamburger. He just ordered it and assumed I spilt it with him. We went out 5-12 on Sat night. He also thought we could go to a girl's strip club together sometime and he told me he didn''t like one of the last bars we were at because there weren't that many girls there. He does talk/sort of flirt with girls in front of me. However he includes me in the discussion. He says he lost his virginity when he was 11 and has lost track of how many girls he slept with. We have done some sexual stuff (touching, kissing, oral in his car) I'm not going to sleep with him.

I should mention it took him over a month to even kiss me. As soon as we started making out we have moved fast into sexual stuff.

 

I also should mention I am unemployed, don't have many friends and have trouble getting second dates. My one friend tells me just go out and have fun, what do I have to lose? I have nothing else and if I dump him I will just be hanging out with my family. My sister told me to dump him because he doesn't seem nice and seems like a player. Nobody I know has met him yet. He told me he has a FB, but doesn't use it, so we're not friends. He is also always scared of the police. He always wants to leave and avoid places where they're at.

 

So what's with this guy? Should I dump him? Am I reading too much into everything? He acts like a casual after when we're not on the date, but when we are he acts like we're in a serious relationship. We never talk about where this is going, but he did say things are looking good, whatever that means.

 

Thank you for your time, I just don't know what to do??

 

You are not reading too much into and more likely not reading enough into it. This man is a victim of childhood sexual abuse and likely emotional as well and the damage has never been addressed. This is a situation you are certainly not equipped to manage or deal with. You should stop seeing him immediately. Do not stay with someone just to have a boyfriend or because you are having difficulty in dating.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I've gotten a few posts deleted because I blame the victim. But I'm standing by all those assesments and a truth in life: You are the person responsible for your happiness.

 

Usually, at some point in every bad relationship (physically abusive, emotionally abusivive, just plain not fulfilling) the person who is the "victim", is the one most at fault for the relationship being the way it is---because they don't end it. They choose (even passively) to continue the relationship that is horrible.

 

You are on the precipice of such a relationship. You're not at fault for his behavior towards you right now, but if you continue on with him you will be more culpable for your unhappiness (even if its his actions that cause your unhappiness) because you have chosen to continue it.

 

So, look in the mirror and see if being in this relationship will give you more happiness than not being in it.

[FitChick]

Stay off of Plenty of Fish if you want to meet quality guys.

[d0nnivain]

Sine you are unemployed & he's underemployed, many of the trips seem more like day dreams. While you are both trying to improve your careers I see no problems with you hanging out.

 

The next time he tells you where you're going on the date, pipe up with an alternative suggestion.

[preraph]

He probably lacks great role models and he does seem a little "off," if you know what I mean. First I'd make sure he's not some kind of alcoholic or addict as well because it is hereditary. It would explain some of his little idiosyncracies and how he goes missing but talks big when he shows up. Also, that part about him just not consulting with you on what you want to eat and do, you have to fix that. I don't care how broke you are, you can discuss whether to split a burger or cook a box of Mac and cheese.

[GH101]

Thanks everybody for your comments and advice. I will ask him more and offer opinions.

[GH101]

Okay, so we went out last Sat and he called me Friday to go out.He claimed he didn't call because he was busy at work all week. He works for Fed ex and it's busy this time of year. We had plans for today, but I had a funeral today and we didn't say what time I would be free. We just said we would go out when it's over. I forgot my phone and when I came home he called twice, once at 2:15 and another at 3:10. I called him at 5. He didn't return my call until 6:40. He was at a bar with friends. He said we can go at 11, I said that's too late, so we are going at 10. I was annoyed he made other plans, when I didn't immediately call him back. We had plans today and he knew I was going to a funeral. What do you all think about this? I do like him, but some things are strange and annoying.

[CalvinM]

You expected him to wait around for you? You're an option, not a priority.

 

Why don't you see this guy casually, then pick things up when you actually get your life in order.

[GH101]

You expected him to wait around for you? You're an option, not a priority.

 

Why don't you see this guy casually, then pick things up when you actually get your life in order.

 

I want to see him casually. He acts like we're in a relationship when we're on the date. He talks about moving in together, going on trips etc.

[d0nnivain]

He didn't know you forgot your phone. He thought you were blowing him off, or you were drained from the funeral. He made plans with his friends instead of sitting home pining for you. He offered to meet you which shows he's interested although an 11 pm date sounds like a booty call; to his credit he moved it to 10 at your request. It also shows he's a good friend because he didn't just ditch his buddies when you crooked your finger.

[GH101]

He didn't know you forgot your phone. He thought you were blowing him off, or you were drained from the funeral. He made plans with his friends instead of sitting home pining for you. He offered to meet you which shows he's interested although an 11 pm date sounds like a booty call; to his credit he moved it to 10 at your request. It also shows he's a good friend because he didn't just ditch his buddies when you crooked your finger.

 

Good points, your the first person who has defended him

[D.Mc.]

Hi GH101,

 

 

1st red flag is the unemployment, it's not the problem, the problem is that while unemployed & living at home he talks about moving in with you. If you live at home too, what is he thinking? If you don't live at home...how long will you have your own place w/no job. This indicates a poor ability to face reality & problem solve on his part.

 

2nd red flag...fear of law enforcement. Let me explain: if my creditors are calling me b/c I owe $$$ I'm not going to answer the phone so anyone would be able to tell I was trying to avoid calls for a REASON: same w/the police thing on his part.

 

This guy is casual date material until you BOTH get it together. & even after that if only one of you is on track...

Edited December 8, 2014 by D.Mc.
spacing issue w/my keyboard

[GH101]

Hi GH101,

 

 

1st red flag is the unemployment, it's not the problem, the problem is that while unemployed & living at home he talks about moving in with you. If you live at home too, what is he thinking? If you don't live at home...how long will you have your own place w/no job. This indicates a poor ability to face reality & problem solve on his part.

 

2nd red flag...fear of law enforcement. Let me explain: if my creditors are calling me b/c I owe $$$ I'm not going to answer the phone so anyone would be able to tell I was trying to avoid calls for a REASON: same w/the police thing on his part.

 

This guy is casual date material until you BOTH get it together. & even after that if only one of you is on track...

 

We both live at home. I'm unemployed, but he works part time at Fed Ex. He claims he has a friend who will be getting him a full time job, so he will move into his own apartment. He didn't mention living together on this past date though.

 

He doesn't seem scared of the police, rather concerned when they're around. Like he will say oh there's a cop.

[Frank2thepoint]

I think he's attractive, I am attracted to him, we have fun together and I like him.

 

This is the main reason why you are tolerating his poor behavior toward you. Simple, carnal desire. You're even tolerating his open flirting with other girls, and his active participation on the dating sites, just because you fancy him physically.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I don't think this guy is serious about dating you. He's got active dating profiles and flirts with other girls in front of you. His idea of a date is to take you to strip club - this beyond ridiculous. Not a great sign, if you're looking for something serious.

 

I think all his talk about going on holidays and moving in together is just that - talk. It also seems quite premature, considering you go long periods of time without hearing a peep from him. He might be wrapped up in the daydream of these things, but if he doesn't have enough money to go out during the week, how on earth does he expect to fund a trip and an apartment? His head is in the freakin' clouds.

 

Also, I would be wary about his aversion to police. If I were you, I'd find out where that comes from. Also, his claim to not use FB could well be true. but in light of the greater context, I would also be curious to know what's in his profile. He sounds like he's not the most transparent individual.

 

If I were you, I would focus on myself first, ie. finding a job and helping to boost self-esteem. Why are you currently unemployed?

[GH101]

I just think he sends mixed signals and is alot of talk. Last night we went to a bar and couldn't hear each other, so we just sat there. Also, he bought condoms last week, so I could do oral and there were 19 in the box, this week he said he was out and had to buy more. I asked him what happened to the ones last week and he didn't really answer.

 

It's okay if we're casually dating because I enjoy spending time with him, however I do think some things are bad. I just wish he wouldn't have led me on and acted like we were going to be in a relationship.

 

I just can't figure him out. Why does he act like he wants a relationship? Why does he even date me if he has all these other girls? I'm not sleeping with him or paying for things. I just don't know what his deal is? I have no idea what to do or say? I do like him and don't have anyone else to date, but I am just confused.

[GH101]

OP, I don't think this guy is serious about dating you. He's got active dating profiles and flirts with other girls in front of you. His idea of a date is to take you to strip club - this beyond ridiculous. Not a great sign, if you're looking for something serious.

 

I think all his talk about going on holidays and moving in together is just that - talk. It also seems quite premature, considering you go long periods of time without hearing a peep from him. He might be wrapped up in the daydream of these things, but if he doesn't have enough money to go out during the week, how on earth does he expect to fund a trip and an apartment? His head is in the freakin' clouds.

 

Also, I would be wary about his aversion to police. If I were you, I'd find out where that comes from. Also, his claim to not use FB could well be true. but in light of the greater context, I would also be curious to know what's in his profile. He sounds like he's not the most transparent individual.

 

If I were you, I would focus on myself first, ie. finding a job and helping to boost self-esteem. Why are you currently unemployed?

 

Thanks for your advice, I don't have much experience or no one anyone that can get me a job. I apply, but don't seem to get interviews or hired.

[Chemist]

ROFL, I love this post.

 

Dude is broke, with not a real career, doesn't own his own place, scared of the cops (ex felon? prison time? Drug user (I am scare of cops because I blaze weed)?), flirts with other women in front of you, and is blowin steam out his mouth if he thinks he is going to take you all these places...

 

But he's attractive. sounds like a winner.

 

Don't stay with someone because you're worried about being single. Just dump him, better yourself, and find someone that will make you feel secure and happy. You sound like someone who lacks confidence based on your statements. Work on yourself, get good sleep, get exercise, apply for jobs. Daily. Your confidence will come.

[GH101]

Okay, so does this mean he broke up with me? We went out last Sat and he said we could go out this weekend. Well, he finally called me tonight, saying he can't go out this weekend because he will be staying at his mom's who lives less than an hour away decorating. He said we could go next weekend and told me to give him a call back. So, does this mean he lost interest? Should I even call him back based on this?

[Silent_Shadow]

No intention of offending. Yet to many readers, objectively they think, and I'm inclined to agree with them, that both of you are simply settling. No genuine romantic interest, just sexual attraction which is fine mind you as long as you both are on the same page of just being fwb. Based off of this limited information, even still, the guy seems to possess more red flags than a russian embassy. Perhaps you should listen to your prefrontal cortex and simply forget about this guy and focus on other attractive single guys who would be genuinely interested in a real relationship and not a fling.

 

Obviously you already know this deep down, it just isn't going to work, otherwise you would of supplied more redeeming qualities about him rather than focusing on all his faults. Don't attempt to change him into the attractive loyal man you'd be happy with, that would be fallacious. We all reap what we sow and settling for companionship because we feel there are limited options, that doesn't sound like a recipe for life with few regrets does it?

 

 

Patience is a virtue, apply everywhere for jobs, even if it's only part time and eventually soon, you'll be a single working girl in a public area interacting with strangers/coworkers daily. Then it would only be a matter of time before a better guy asked you out. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck in your endeavors.

[GH101]

He called me on Friday night to tell me he was busy decorating all weekend, so we went out last night. So we went to a bar last night and then went to Denny's. We had a good time and he bought me a drink and we split a milkshake and a big breakfast. He wanted us to split the price at first and then he decided to just pay.

He did talk about us going to California in the summer. He didn't really mention New Years, but we are supposed to be going to AC for it. He also said he has wanted to do porn and still wants to. I'm not sure if he was kidding or not though or he was just thinking out loud. He did say when we were at the bar, there aren't that many girls here. I said you have me and he said yea, and then said there are plenty of guys for me to look at though. I think he is just making conversation?

 

Another issue is though, when we started doing oral he bought a box of condoms. He claimed there were like 20 of them. They fit okay on him, but, the next week they were really small. He told me it was smaller. I asked him what happened to that box and he just looked nervous and said these were smaller; he didn't really answer. This week the condoms were still small, not as small as last weeks though. They don't really fit his dick, it's strange. I asked him what happened to that box he bought with me. He just said it turned out there were only 4 in that box. I don't understand how he could have thought there were 20 though? I didn't see the box, but I would think he would know what he was buying and then when he took one out he would know how many were in the box. I guess he didn't want to tell me he used them all and had a ton of sex with other people this month. However, he was acting like these condoms were from the 4 pack and I then asked him why are these condoms so small. He said there are different sizes in the box. So question for guys and if girls know, are there different size condoms in each box? Or is it like a package of socks and underwear, where you buy one size and that's what's in the whole package?

 

I have fun with him and he acts like he really likes me. However, I don't like that he is lying to me or trying to fool me. I don't understand why he can't just tell me that he just wants to casually date me. Why does he act like we're in a relationship and say he was looking for one on the dating sites. He clearly doesn't want to be exclusive, but why doesn't he just let me know instead of trying to fool me? Like does he think I think he really isn't sleeping with other people? I just wish everything could be out in the open, instead of him trying to deceive me.

He told me it could take him up to a year to decide if he wants to be in a serious relationship and we have been dating 4 months.

Edited December 19, 2014 by GH101

[GH101]

So question for guys and if girls know, are there different size condoms in each box? Or is it like a package of socks and underwear, where you buy one size and that's what's in the whole package?

[Dreamworld]

Hi. Um, I can't really answer your question about the condoms, I don't know if there are different sizes (from what I know I don't think they come in different sizes in one box) but trying to understand more clearly. Are you afraid he is sleeping with other people (hence the number of condoms being different bothering you?) but keeps telling you he wants to be exclusive?

 

 

I don't know if anyone mentioned this already, but the big red flag (amongst all the other ones, for there are plenty here) for me was how he mentioned marriage only within the first few dates he had with you. I find players tend to do this. They smooth talk about exclusitivity and "soulmates" and marriage making the girl feel really special. But it's all talk usually.

 

 

But from the gist of your posts, I have a feeling you know in your gut this guy isn't serious about you.

 

 

I used to be the Queen of Analysis in my younger days but now I just go with my gut and it has proven me right most of the time. And when I find myself analyzing and worrying about someone's actions all the time, it means something just ain't right. Things shouldn't feel so difficult if things are going smoothly. I think deep down you don't trust the guy (and rightfully so I must say!) but you really want to due to the attraction.

 

 

Dating up to 4 months, but it could take up to a year to decide he wants to be in a serious relationship? If I heard this from a guy, I would just assume he was leaving his options open (stringing you along so to speak) and I would free myself to date others too.

 

 

I think you should focus less on this guy unless you can take it for what it is. Casual. And not get swayed by his sweet talk. good luck!

[clia]

So question for guys and if girls know, are there different size condoms in each box? Or is it like a package of socks and underwear, where you buy one size and that's what's in the whole package?

 

There are not different sizes of condoms in each box. They are all the same size. He's full of it and is obviously sleeping with other women. He is lukewarm about you at best. Please don't stick around for a year waiting for him to decide he wants a relationship with you.