Author whatitdo Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 [ I really feel for you - a modern day Romeo and Juliet of sorts. Its funny because we talk about that... we talk about how our love is like a damn movie... it is so strong. again I am 37 and I have never loved a person like this before. I mean to date somebody without being intimate... to fall in love with them for who they are... not because of sex is an amazing feeling
welshbambi Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I really hope it works out for you one way or another whatitdo. Life has funny ways of working out but that's difficult to see what you know what you WANT. It may not be necessarily what you get. 1
Author whatitdo Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 well what I want is to grow old with her, what I am going to get is unclear.
welshbambi Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 well what I want is to grow old with her, what I am going to get is unclear. What any of us get throughout life is unclear, even for those who do get the girl/guy. But I'll be rooting for you
Author whatitdo Posted December 30, 2014 Author Posted December 30, 2014 don't know how to do it yet.. but ill figure out how to send you a picture of us... maybe make it my profile picture. you will see how happy we are
Zzyxx Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 Given that she is a legal adult and that she was born and raised in the states, this life situation is unfortunately something she is going to have to deal with sooner or later unless she chooses to return to Pakistan or live a devout life here in the U.S. I think it's very respectful of you to consider all this, but I think it's something she has to do for herself. She doesn't sound like she's particularly happy living this life style, so if she sits down and really thinks about it, it's better to start making these transitions and risk losing everything now, then when she's 45 and would feel even more trapped. 20 is relatively young to rebuild, and of course it is easier to have outside support, like what she has with you. If she says that she wants a relationship with you and you are both happy, then I wouldn't break up with her just to push her away. If she does decide she wants to begin a new life, better it's at least doing something that would make you both happy. 2
AVarma Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Some christian families would never tolerate a non believer in their family, doesn't mean we can make a rule out of it. While the OP's story indicates that such a scenario is in place, it is not sensible to claim that all muslim families will obey that rule, as you did. Just like in every religion, there's a spectrum of beliefs inside the muslim community, not all of them are extremists and "intolerant". And that is why we shouldn't be so ourselves. As a Muslim of Indian background I think this is quite naive. Yea christian families may not accept a non-christian but they won't disown their child or harm them for it. I'm not saying all Muslims are bad but in general they tend to be much more conservative than Christians and tend to not have very close relations with people who aren't Muslim. 1
Author whatitdo Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 As a Muslim of Indian background I think this is quite naive. Yea christian families may not accept a non-christian but they won't disown their child or harm them for it. I'm not saying all Muslims are bad but in general they tend to be much more conservative than Christians and tend to not have very close relations with people who aren't Muslim. Start of by saying Salam, I'm glad to see a muslim respond. I'd like to know your real opinion in this situation. If your sister had an arranged marriage and did want her husband and instead chose a KALA...... What would your true reaction be and would you ever accept her back as your sister? And yes we have talked in depth about me converting. She comes from a wealthy muslim family, and they will only be happy if they choose her husband based on class.... Her husband is a cousin of course, and just moved to the states and is upset because she won't have roothski (sp).....talk to me bro.... Allah a fiz
AVarma Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Start of by saying Salam, I'm glad to see a muslim respond. I'd like to know your real opinion in this situation. If your sister had an arranged marriage and did want her husband and instead chose a KALA...... What would your true reaction be and would you ever accept her back as your sister? And yes we have talked in depth about me converting. She comes from a wealthy muslim family, and they will only be happy if they choose her husband based on class.... Her husband is a cousin of course, and just moved to the states and is upset because she won't have roothski (sp).....talk to me bro.... Allah a fiz I personally wouldn't care. My family on the other hand..... yea they wouldn't be too thrilled about it. They would be too concerned about judgement from the rest of the community. Unfortunately most arranged marriages are done to people of the same class. You'd be surprised how picky and anal people can be about the smallest things.
Author whatitdo Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 ok... so you wouldn't care. But your family would disown her correct? and never accept her back
AVarma Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 ok... so you wouldn't care. But your family would disown her correct? and never accept her back Yeah probably. Unfortunately Muslims from Pakistan and India and even the Arab world can be some of the most narrow minded and ignorant people you can meet.
Author whatitdo Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 how can allah be the teacher of tolerance, peace, and life... but yet the people that follow his teachings be so short sided??
Ducktape Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 As a Muslim of Indian background I think this is quite naive. Yea christian families may not accept a non-christian but they won't disown their child or harm them for it. I'm not saying all Muslims are bad but in general they tend to be much more conservative than Christians and tend to not have very close relations with people who aren't Muslim. Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough, people seem to not understand my point. My point was that it was unfair to say "Steer clear of muslims and don't date them, they are racists" If you agree with that statement, then I don't know who's naive.
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 how can allah be the teacher of tolerance, peace, and life... but yet the people that follow his teachings be so short sided?? Is it short sighted? Few religions are going to advocate adultery are they? This girl is a 20 year old married woman, whose family are tied up finanacially, culturally and socially with her husband. This is not about "love", this is marriage as practised in days of old, as in the coming together of two families for mutual benefit. Unfortunately, she lied to you about the fact she was married, and whether we agree with arranged marriages or not, the truth remains she is married and she is unlikely to get out of that contract, as so much depends on it. Already her family is laying down the law, losing face in the community is not something to be sniffed at, they wiil do all in their power to make sure she conforms. Also, a 20 year old "in love" is going to see the loss of family, riches and status in her community as a noble sacrifice. It is Romeo and Juliet, it is fighting on the side of justice, it is very romantic. BUT at 30, with her children ostracised too, and no family support, she may not think that it was such a good idea.
Author whatitdo Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Is it short sighted? Few religions are going to advocate adultery are they? This girl is a 20 year old married woman, whose family are tied up finanacially, culturally and socially with her husband. This is not about "love", this is marriage as practised in days of old, as in the coming together of two families for mutual benefit. Unfortunately, she lied to you about the fact she was married, and whether we agree with arranged marriages or not, the truth remains she is married and she is unlikely to get out of that contract, as so much depends on it. Already her family is laying down the law, losing face in the community is not something to be sniffed at, they wiil do all in their power to make sure she conforms. Also, a 20 year old "in love" is going to see the loss of family, riches and status in her community as a noble sacrifice. It is Romeo and Juliet, it is fighting on the side of justice, it is very romantic. BUT at 30, with her children ostracised too, and no family support, she may not think that it was such a good idea. I did not mean the adultery part. I was just talking about dating outside of her race and choosing whom she wants to marry. I have the utmost respect for the religion, in fact that is why her and I hit it off so well as friends. I have visited numerous muslim countries and we had things to talk about because of it. I think the issue is this is not overseas, and to force somebody to marry somebody or else they are not going to be allowed to go back to the United States from summer vacation is wrong. Plus at 18 you are more adept at doing what your family tells you. her and I talk about it regularly, I mean the whole Islamic law side of the coin. With respect to that there is ways to get out of her marriage. she has not moved in with him, not had roothskie (sex, and yes I believe her cause I read his emails to her) and has explained to him she does not love him (yes read her email to him). the thing is that if she leaves him her brother is ok with it... but then they said they will just find somebody better. apparently they will not lose much as far as business because they are the wealthier of the two families. Romeo and Juliet both DIE..... that is the part that I don't like. hahaha. But really the only noble thing I can do is leave her. And to be honest with you I have thought about it since this all came out. To see the stress it is having on her, to see how her family is treating her, to see what she is going through... it hurts me deeply. If you read all the posts then you would know I said I have never loved like this. I have told her many times that I love her so much I rather let her go then see her in pain or unhappy. Right now she is going through pain, leaving her would cause more short term... but could be better long term. I understand that and have brought this exact thing up to her. EVERY TIME, not sometime, EVERY TIME I bring it up she asks me to never leave her side. Now when the person you love more than you love yourself asks you to stay by there side through thick and thin what do you do?????????
Author whatitdo Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 She told me that if I love her then we should go get married now.... We don't have to tell anybody right but if I love her like I say then let's make everything legal..... I think I'm going to..........do it I mean I wanted to wait and have a big wedding and such but really why wait it's what we both want
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 She told me that if I love her then we should go get married now.... We don't have to tell anybody right but if I love her like I say then let's make everything legal..... I think I'm going to..........do it I mean I wanted to wait and have a big wedding and such but really why wait it's what we both want Is marrying someone who is already married, not bigamy?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Is marrying someone who is already married, not bigamy? she's not legally married
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 she's not legally married She is legally married in Pakistan I thought. Divorce Laws in Pakistan Best Divorce Law Firms, Divorce Attorneys Divorce Lawyers in Lahore, Karachi, Pakistan and International Law: Pakistani Islamic Divorce in U.S. Courts She will need to get a divorce surely.
Author whatitdo Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Ya know I am going to actually look into that. That did the wedding in the masqye and there is no actually paperwork.... So really im unclear.... I'll find out.... The thing is .... Man idk I'm gonna find out
Author whatitdo Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Hey thanks for the information! We couldn't get married cause even though she didn't legally get married it is recognized by u.s. Courts
leoc1973 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Are all 3 of you in the us now? Sorry I only read the first page. You need to talk to someone that deals with human rights. If she was forced into a marriage then maybe US law will look at it differently. Maybe she can say she wants an annulment. Do you have the means to support her? If this girl really makes you feel this way and you make her feel the same then that trumps everything in my opinion. Screw her family and her fake marriage(yes I called it fake. If a country's customs looks at women as property then sorry I have no patience for their "customs") But as far as the age thing. I am close to your age and I dated younger women for a while during my single times and at first they are so appealing because they still have that Zest for life and energy and they haven't been beaten down by life and aren't dead inside like a lot of 35 to 40 year old women but the immaturity gets annoying after a few years and you will be praying for an older woman. So be careful that you don't tear her whole life apart and then get sick of her. 1
Author whatitdo Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 It isn't a game.... I do worry from time to time about me getting tired of the age disparity. But to be honest I'm a big kid. I did stand up comedy for a long time and I don't take life too serious. Women my age get mad at me cause I play too much, but it's just my personality. So honestly her age works out well with my personality. And second if I had the chance to marry her.... Tomorrow I would. I met her after ending a relationship and gave everything to my ex. House furniture everything. Next month I move into a new place and I'm buying new furniture. Now I can afford to have her live with me but not with the exact same lifestyle her family gives her. So as far as that goes I am trying to be patient and put up with the rules, regulations, and the rest of the bs that comes with her living at home. But I'd give anything I've ever experienced, or done in my life.... With the exception of my kids to be with her for the rest of my life. Wallah he (I swear) I would spend the rest of my life with her and never EVER look back or want anybody else. Now if I said that at 20...... That's one thing. But I know what I'm saying. If we ever go out seperate ways..... I'm done dating, I'm done with love... Nothing can ever compare to her and how I feel about her
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 It isn't a game.... I do worry from time to time about me getting tired of the age disparity. But to be honest I'm a big kid. I did stand up comedy for a long time and I don't take life too serious. Women my age get mad at me cause I play too much, but it's just my personality. So honestly her age works out well with my personality. And second if I had the chance to marry her.... Tomorrow I would. I met her after ending a relationship and gave everything to my ex. House furniture everything. Next month I move into a new place and I'm buying new furniture. Now I can afford to have her live with me but not with the exact same lifestyle her family gives her. So as far as that goes I am trying to be patient and put up with the rules, regulations, and the rest of the bs that comes with her living at home. But I'd give anything I've ever experienced, or done in my life.... With the exception of my kids to be with her for the rest of my life. Wallah he (I swear) I would spend the rest of my life with her and never EVER look back or want anybody else. Now if I said that at 20...... That's one thing. But I know what I'm saying. If we ever go out seperate ways..... I'm done dating, I'm done with love... Nothing can ever compare to her and how I feel about her I get it you are head over heels here but having just come out of a relationship you will be ripe for "love" with just about anyone who takes the time to be with you. It is called a "rebound relationship" and most do not last. I also get the "big kid" aspect of your personality and that is fine for dating younger women. But this younger woman is going to uni, she comes from a good, wealthy family, and she will have high expectations for herself, whatever she says or even thinks at present. You can remain a big kid, but she will "grow up" and the propect of taking on a big kid, his ex wife and his kids too, is a huge responsibility for her long term. The fact she is willing to ditch her family over this, may indicate her lack of maturity or a wish to rebel against them, she is only 20 after all. I do not dispute your earnestness, but this is a new relationship with big issues to face, I am not saying it is not doable, but you have to sort out all the practicalities here. Does she want to travel? Is her future career important to her? Is she ambitious? Does settling into domesticity with kids and an ex wife always on the horizon really appeal to her or does she have unrealistic expectations of what that really entails. I am presuming you want to be a hands-on dad here. You also have to consider - Are you just a fling or just a means to wind up her family, someone that in 6 months she will not even care about? She is 20 after all. Be careful here.
Author whatitdo Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 I get it you are head over heels here but having just come out of a relationship you will be ripe for "love" with just about anyone who takes the time to be with you. It is called a "rebound relationship" and most do not last. I also get the "big kid" aspect of your personality and that is fine for dating younger women. But this younger woman is going to uni, she comes from a good, wealthy family, and she will have high expectations for herself, whatever she says or even thinks at present. You can remain a big kid, but she will "grow up" and the propect of taking on a big kid, his ex wife and his kids too, is a huge responsibility for her long term. The fact she is willing to ditch her family over this, may indicate her lack of maturity or a wish to rebel against them, she is only 20 after all. I do not dispute your earnestness, but this is a new relationship with big issues to face, I am not saying it is not doable, but you have to sort out all the practicalities here. Does she want to travel? Is her future career important to her? Is she ambitious? Does settling into domesticity with kids and an ex wife always on the horizon really appeal to her or does she have unrealistic expectations of what that really entails. I am presuming you want to be a hands-on dad here. You also have to consider - Are you just a fling or just a means to wind up her family, someone that in 6 months she will not even care about? She is 20 after all. Be careful here. I think I will break this down one part at a time. First and foremost the whole rebound thing. Man, that word signifies so much. when her and I first met I did think about that. I mean, how can one not think about it. As time progressed I realized that it was the furthest thing from true. I mean I believe for a rebound it would of had to be me coming fresh out of a relationship, and that just wans not the case. second, I am not a person that actually feels when coming out of a relationship. when I am coming out of a relatioinship the last thing I am looking for is to get into another one. usually I want to enjoy the single life for a while. the last time I relationship I got out of (before this one) I was single for 6 -7 months, and the time before that I was single for nearly 3 years. I am very cautious about getting into relationships. the reason behind that is because when I get into one I put my all into it and It takes a toll on me when it is over. don't mistake me being a big kids as a complete lack of maturity. I mean I like to play and joke, but I am a professional and know when it is time to be mature. my ex just wasn't the playful type at all and it got on her nerves that I didn't want to take life so damn serious all the time. she liked to stress over everything... and well that sh-t just isn't for me. your last point is probably my biggest fear. I mean you are right she is young and this could just be a phase that she is going through. yet, it is not like I am the first guy she has dated. in fact that is why her family forced her to get married. They did not want her dating and losing what is her most expensive thing prior to her being married. im sure you know but in her religion it is important that the woman be pure when she gets married. So that is why she got had to get married. it was either get married or be forced to live in Dubai. my mind plays tricks on me and makes me think about what you are saying. but there is something in her eyes, and her belief system that makes my heart believe that this isn't a game. not to mention that her belief system dictates that her and I get married. now that may sound odd considering she was married off to the highest bidder... but I honestly don't consider her married. if anything I would consider her to be married to me... although we aren't. she is my world and im going to give her and our relationship a chance. it is just really hard because I think about what you were saying and really that is why this post was started... cause I think that 10 years from now things could be diffrernt for her mentally and such
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