He chose the party over me

[frozengirl]

Me, I have never been a party goer or one to go to partys nor have I ever drank, smoked, or done drugs ever in my life because I choose not to do these things.

 

Anyway, this one guy I have gone on a few dates, told me of this New Years Eve party, where there will be drinking, smoking etc. Just a typical hang out and drink etc. get together.

 

Me not being into this sort of thing passed on it but this guy plans to go to it. In my mind I was thinking it would have been more romantic or nice of him to have said or done this, "I don't have to go to the party, I'd rather spend New Years Eve with you instead of some party any day".

 

Of course this was not the case and again he chose the party over me. Why is it that some guys and girls rather choose this or that over you? Whether id' be like this going to a party than hang with you, or go to the movies with friends than spend time with you, among other similarities.

 

What are your thoughts?

[callingyouuu]

Some people are really social beings and enjoy being around lots of people. Another part of it is that if there's a big get-together with good friends, it might be a social expectation that you'll show up.

 

I'm like you in that I'm not excited about parties like my peers are, and I've reconciled that I'm going to need to find someone who feels the same way (or at least understands where I'm coming from and won't take it personally). Just a compatibility thing.

[Anderlie]

Sounds like you're very different people and your expectations aren't going to match for anything serious. If you won't go to a party at all even if you abstain from drinking etc and he likes to go and do some or all of those things how can it work? You're already wanting him to forgo it for you and he won't (which, a few dates in I don't really think is unreasonable - especially if they were long held plans). Maybe you need an introvert who is happy hanging at home with just you.

[almond]

There is no way I'd pass up being with all of my friends and/or family at a party for a guy/girl I'd only been on a few dates with.

 

 

You were invited. You chose not to attend. He could say that you chose to avoid the party over being with him on NYE.

 

I don't think he has done anything wrong at all in this situation.

 

You're quite young if I recall correctly. If you flat out refuse to be around alcohol or smoking in any social situations, you're going to have to get used to feeling how you are now. Young people go to parties, bars etc. I suggest you find someone similar to you in this respect, or accept the fact that your partner will sometimes want to attend such events.

[frozengirl]

I've tried finding someone that meets what I am into etc. Every time I do this is what happens;

 

1. I write them and they don't write me back

2. They live out of state

3. They assume I am a man due to my looks

 

So I have to keep looking I guess.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Here are my thoughts: a guy asked you to spend time with him on New Year's Eve and you rejected him because you don't want to be with his friends at a party. Why is he supposed to prefer you, someone he barely knows, to the company of his friends?

 

New Year's Eve parties are about being with your favorite people. Some of the most memorable events in my life have been spent with small groups of friends in my best buddy's living room. Why do you object to parties so strongly? It's not like anyone will force you to drink or smoke anything.

[Andy_K]

3. They assume I am a man due to my looks

 

...what?

 

Anyway, I'm afraid he's being perfectly reasonable here. You can't expect a guy you've only known for a few dates to cancel existing plans to spend time with just you instead.

 

Far from being upset, you should see that it's really a good sign that he's invited you and is happy for you to meet all his friends after such a short time!

[frozengirl]

Well I am not going end of story. And I have met his friends before and party's are not my thing so I rather not go at all.

[Winterina]

He could as well complain that this girl he invited to a party rejected him for godknowswhat reason... because she does not drink?

I have many friends who do not drink, but hang with the rest of us when we do drink. Nobody is going to force alcohol down your throat or think it is weird that you don't drink as it is pretty common with people. What is wrong in being at the party? If you have problem with that fact alone, then (and I do not mean to insult you) talk to someone, a professional who will help you get over your social anxiety and introversion. There is a healthy and unhealthy level of everything.

Rather than expecting him to drop his party over you, try and think how you have not accommodated his needs and have been thinking only of yourself and your needs. My advice is to get out of your comfort zone and start considering what have you been doing to address the social problem that you apparently have.

[WomenWubber]

It seems you've both made different choices.

[frozengirl]

Why are you trying to force me to do something I don't want to do? Why can't you accept that I do not want to go to this party? I have my choices and I choose not to go to this party. I do not want to be around that environment, people are stupidly, throw up, hook up, etc. I am not going to be surrounded by that plus its New Years Eve you know how crazy that night will be? So no I would rather skip the party and hang at home.

[Trenton100]

Why are you trying to force me to do something I don't want to do? Why can't you accept that I do not want to go to this party? I have my choices and I choose not to go to this party. I do not want to be around that environment, people are stupidly, throw up, hook up, etc. I am not going to be surrounded by that plus its New Years Eve you know how crazy that night will be? So no I would rather skip the party and hang at home.

 

Don't stress it. You'' find out awfully quick here that you certainly have no right being upset of someone choosing something over you after Only two dates".

 

 

That's the common theme and I have learned that very quick. It doesn't matter how awesome those dates were or how much you have been talking to the guy. Two dates is two dates dammit.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Why are you trying to force me to do something I don't want to do? Why can't you accept that I do not want to go to this party? I have my choices and I choose not to go to this party. I do not want to be around that environment, people are stupidly, throw up, hook up, etc. I am not going to be surrounded by that plus its New Years Eve you know how crazy that night will be? So no I would rather skip the party and hang at home.

 

How do you know it's going to be "people are [sic] stupidly, throw up, hook up, etc"? How do you know it's not just going to be a group of friends hanging out, watching the ball drop and maybe catching the Georgia Tech game? Maybe people want to listen to music, catch up and eat plates of tiny appetizers. Either way it's ridiculous to expect that this guy would rather do nothing with you than have a good time with his friends.

 

It sounds like you are making a lot of very unfair assumptions, and in the process you hurt this guy's feelings. I think it might be helpful to talk to someone about your social anxiety.

[Zahara]

Why are you trying to force me to do something I don't want to do? Why can't you accept that I do not want to go to this party? I have my choices and I choose not to go to this party. I do not want to be around that environment, people are stupidly, throw up, hook up, etc. I am not going to be surrounded by that plus its New Years Eve you know how crazy that night will be? So no I would rather skip the party and hang at home.

 

Then you cannot question his choice for spending the night the way he wants to. He's probably going, "She chose to stay home versus spend New Years with me."

 

I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I've still been to these types of parties and I still had fun while nursing a soda being around my friends. If you enjoy this guy's company, that should be your focus and if at anytime people started throwing up or trying to hook up with you ???, then you can always leave with your date, or leave on your own.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Zahara

[aggie382]

I think he did the right thing. He invited you to join him on NYE. You rejected his offer. He chose to spend the evening with his friends instead of someone he barely knows. That was the prudent choice, particularly given your pretty clear incompatibilities.

[soyou]

I'd never trade my NYE party to stay at home with a guy/girl I just had a few dates with.

[Winterina]

Nobody is forcing you (nor we can by the fact that we are all online) to go anywhere you don't want to go. You are being asked questions to make you think about WHY is it that you feel people are stupid for you to go to the party? Who are you to judge people you never even met? Is the problem, perhaps, in you? Are you too stiff, judgemental and unaccepting of other lifestyles? Are you perhaps arrogant to say things you just said about other people that you never even met? You already have prejudice about party that you think is going to be based on hook ups and throwing up... you already know it all, how is it going to be, how stupid people are...You must be a fortune teller...

 

 

I understand you to an extent as today, I myself am introvert, I myself do not like crowds and crazy parties, having been there done it in my twenties... but now and then I suck it up and go to a noisy party because my partner wants us both to go. Just to be a friend to him. BUT I have been throwing up and hooking up and smoking weed in my 20s and it was awesome! No, I was not stupid for doing it or while doing it, I had a doctorate degree in law already in my 20s and so did some of my friends.

 

 

So get your head out of your arrogant >>> and start dealing with your issue asap, otherwise this is by far not going to be the last time when guys choose other things over you.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to go the party but neither does he have to spend a quiet NYE. You two made choices & they are both valid but they should a fundamental incompatibility between you.

 

 

I don't know what to tell you about the people who don't write you back but that is OLD. It happens. If more than one person thinks you are a man based on your photo perhaps change the photo to something that highlights your femininity more. Also change your parameters so you stop dealing with out of state people unless you live really close to a border. For example where I live I'm 30 minutes from one state and 1 hour from another but people in my own state can live up to 3 hours away so the state isn't a huge issue.

[frozengirl]

My point case in this topic was wouldn't it have been more romantic if the guy would have picked me over the party? Even if it was 1 date or a month of dating if the guy picks the girl over the party or something else, that is telling the girl "I like you more than anything else" thats amazing to hear from a guy than him picking his friends or a party or video games or anything else, because he likes you so much he wants you and you only. IF I was a guy I would have picked the girl over anything else.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are expecting too much of someone you hardly know. He extended the invite, which you are within your rights to decline. But he's also within his rights to attend. You two prefer to socialize in different ways; but if you won't compromise, why expect him to do the same?

[GemmaUK]

You declined the party.

 

 

He was open and sounds like he was inviting you.

Take a risk and go.

 

 

Or..don't.

 

 

Whatever you do you have to be happy with it.

You are able to control your own reaction.

 

 

In the time you have been together I think you are being stubborn.

Ditch him if you don't want to be with him. Sulking is very unattractive.

[Otter2569]

I had a similar situation happen to me and as a guy I wanted a win-win situation: hang with my new GF and with my friends. I was hoping they would all get a long so we could all hang out on ocassion and life would be good.

 

Maybe hes thinking the same thing? Why dont you ask him??

[Zahara]

My point case in this topic was wouldn't it have been more romantic if the guy would have picked me over the party? Even if it was 1 date or a month of dating if the guy picks the girl over the party or something else, that is telling the girl "I like you more than anything else" thats amazing to hear from a guy than him picking his friends or a party or video games or anything else, because he likes you so much he wants you and you only. IF I was a guy I would have picked the girl over anything else.

 

This isn't some random party, hanging with friends, video game night, OP.

 

This is a once a year. People everywhere, all around the world will be celebrating and to some they love celebrating the New Year in a big way. You seem entitled in terms of what you deem is the perfect New Year's night and how someone should spend it just because you're choosing to romanticize it.

 

He respects your desire to stay home. You need to respect his need to spend it the way he chooses to and stop projecting.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Zahara

[losangelena]

My point case in this topic was wouldn't it have been more romantic if the guy would have picked me over the party? Even if it was 1 date or a month of dating if the guy picks the girl over the party or something else, that is telling the girl "I like you more than anything else" thats amazing to hear from a guy than him picking his friends or a party or video games or anything else, because he likes you so much he wants you and you only. IF I was a guy I would have picked the girl over anything else.

 

No offense, OP, but this seems like a pretty naive view of dating. Sure, it might seem romantic, but after one date it would seem a bit of a stretch for a man or woman to shove everything off their social calendar because they "like you more than anything else." Hopefully after only one date that feeling has yet to occur. Even couples who have been dating a while need to do things apart from one another from time to time. There are things my boyfriend does that I would never in a million years enjoy spending my time doing, and vice versa. I dunno, I feel like it's a sign of relational maturity to be able to say to your SO, go and have a good time and I'll see you later.

[writergal]

My point case in this topic was wouldn't it have been more romantic if the guy would have picked me over the party? Even if it was 1 date or a month of dating if the guy picks the girl over the party or something else, that is telling the girl "I like you more than anything else" thats amazing to hear from a guy than him picking his friends or a party or video games or anything else, because he likes you so much he wants you and you only. IF I was a guy I would have picked the girl over anything else.

 

You two barely know each other and you each made your choice. I think you have different expectations / standards than he does.

 

You don't have to participate in drinking / smoking when you attend a party where people do that. But since you choose not to go, then you can't fault him for choosing to go to the NYE party. He did invite you after all. So he obviously likes you. For all you know, he could be wondering why you turned down his invitation to join him.

 

If it bothers you that much, then pick up the phone and call him. Ask him to get together after NYE and make plans with friends who share similar values as you (non-alcoholic and non-smokers) and do something fun with them. You're not even in a relationship with him yet, so you really can't demand that he not go to his friend's NYE party. Just make alternative plans and go out with him another night.

 

Personally speaking I'd go if I liked a guy enough, just because I'd want to spend NYE with him even if it meant being around people who smoke and drink (I don't do either anymore).