spanishchick00 Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 This is something I hate being called on during a first date. First dates can sometimes be awkward as is, so instead of a the guy calling me that and make it even more awkward, why can't they understand that and instead make it more welcoming and comfortable for me? Geez. Can't they realize that maybe they are the ones with the problem and come off stiff and uptight?
Dontfindme Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 I understand you feeling uncomfortable - meeting someone for the first time, not being openly talkative, and then being called out on it. But, perhaps they have to over compensate for you? Maybe they feel uncomfortable having to do all the talking, and let you know as a way of asking you to put in more effort? 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 This is something I hate being called on during a first date. First dates can sometimes be awkward as is, so instead of a the guy calling me that and make it even more awkward, why can't they understand that and instead make it more welcoming and comfortable for me? Geez. Can't they realize that maybe they are the ones with the problem and come off stiff and uptight? Well, it's not 100% their responsibility to make sure you're comfortable and enjoying the date you know, it's your responsibility to make the date good for them too. If you are really quiet, shy, awkward, then you could always text ahead of the date and tell them that you are a little shy around new people but you're looking forward to getting to know each other. Give the guy a heads up. I don't think anyone calling you quiet on a first date is doing so to upset or demean or irritate you, sometimes if a person really is so quiet and shy that you cannot bring them out of your shell, it's natural to bring the elephant into the room into the conversation, and remark on it. By saying 'you're quiet' he's probably hoping that you'll give him a clue as to why you're sat there with nothing to say, give him something to latch onto to develop the conversation, or maybe he's just looking for some reassurance that you are having a good time and it's you, not him. Maybe it's his way of telling you you're making him feel uncomfortable and you need to put a little more effort in because he's not enjoying himself. Instead of being angry and defensive, why not work on your shyness so you can have a conversation with someone over dinner? That level of quietness must be awfully debilitating in all sorts of situations... first dates, meeting the parents for the first time, job interviews, class or job presentations... if more than one man has brought it up with you, then the problem lies with you and not them I'm afraid. Maybe it's from doing a lot of charity work or plenty of different jobs, but over the years I've learned how to make conversation with pretty much anybody in any situation, one of the compliments I got most often from guys when dating was that they were nervous about the date but I really put them at ease, because I was confident and sociable and able to draw them out of themselves. It's a skill that I'm sure has also helped me to get most of the jobs I've been offered. 1
Diezel Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 This is something I hate being called on during a first date. First dates can sometimes be awkward as is, so instead of a the guy calling me that and make it even more awkward, why can't they understand that and instead make it more welcoming and comfortable for me? Geez. Can't they realize that maybe they are the ones with the problem and come off stiff and uptight? So, wait... every guy you go out on a first date with, calls you quiet... and it's all of them that has the problem? Listen, I've dated shy and quiet women. There's a difference between a woman who is just shy and one who just isn't good at any kind of conversation. I've seen your posts though, you seem like the kind that just wants to be catered to and wants to have everything done easily for them. Do you ever try to engage in conversation and have stuff to talk about? Because in the circles of manhood, it's always encouraged to get the woman talking about 75% of the time, at least and to be receptive to what SHE says, but if you are being "quiet", seems like that might be quite the impossibility to do. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 Flip it around. The guy is probably concerned that he's doing something wrong & is trying to start a conversation to help him identify if there is something he should be doing differently. Instead of communicating with him, you get all annoyed because he's not ready your mind, even though you are a relative stranger to him. Communication & comfort are two way streets. What are you doing to even make yourself more comfortable or making an effort to help him relax? Discussing whether you are quiet is not an insult. 1
toscaroscura Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 You're going to get better results with people if you own who you are. If you are quiet, own it. There isn't anything wrong with being quiet. Once you start being defensive about your qualities, you look uncomfortable in your own skin, and that's pure insecurity. I can be quiet and reserved too, and I've had it pointed out to me. But rather than get insulted, and possibly more quiet and now angry (therefore making things awkward), I simply smile and say, "I know, I do tend to be quiet at first, but that doesn't mean I'm not having fun!" 1
preraph Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 You have an obligation to make yourself speak up on a first date (or any date). It doesn't come naturally to you, so ahead of time, you need to write down a few questions to ask your date to keep the conversation going that are not yes-or-no questions. Do your homework and do your part! It doesn't take much to keep a conversation going: Do you watch the Superbowl? What kind of music to you like? What movies have you seen lately? Do your parents live here in town? How many siblings do you have? C'mon, this isn't that hard. You have plenty to say on this board, so use some self-discipline and put some effort into it!! 1
newmoon Posted December 28, 2014 Posted December 28, 2014 if it's something that more than one or two people are consistently saying then you are probably coming off that way, and will have to actively change your first impression(s) because you *are* quiet. it probably transfers over into other first meetings too - like interviews, new friends, etc. make a real effort to talk when you go out with people or meet them for the first time. it's not anyone's job to draw you out, and if you don't do it yourself then you're leaving a bad impression. ie not smart, too shy, etc. it's obviously something the guys are noticing and ime people don't usually call you out on stuff on the first date unless it's really obvious, because they do want to be nice/sensitive to a new date. you must be really not doing much.. just put in more effort conversationally. these might be strangers or blind dates or whatever, but there is always something to talk about with people. maybe just warn them in advance, before the date, or even during it, that you take a while to open up. also, look at how you're selling yourself - are you fun/flirty in texts or the phone/internet and then a dud in person? there might be a disconnect between what you're doing before the dates and what they get in person
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