Ducktape Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Is there a word for when you end up stuck thinking about something you shouldn't really care about? I feel like I don't care but I still get stuck thinking. Came across it yesterday actually. Saudade.
Author Hula Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, I took a few weeks to try and shut it out of my mind including reading any websites/advice. I've been doing okay, I had barely thought of any of this at all for around 2 weeks, the last few days it has came back though. I wanted to message her for some reason, I didn't...and I'm not going to. Unfortunately I think I will cave later this year, I'm not sure. I was thinking that if I have left it all alone for around 1 year maybe I could reach out and we could be on better terms even if it's just having a brief chat before parting ways. (I'm fine with that) I'm not sure if this is a good idea or would even work but it appeals to me. Ideally I won't want to do this at all but I'm not sure how I will feel then. I feel in a bit of a slump because I saw a lot of places we used to go together recently and it made me think about it again. I don't feel as much guilt for what I did anymore as I did apologise and I haven't bothered her at all but for some reason I wonder how she is, what she's doing, and wish we could chat like we used to. I don't know why, we don't have much in common or to discuss, it's a friendship I don't need but I sometimes wish it was there, it frustrates me a little even though I know that if we were talking now, we'd probably speak only a few times a year, or less since she'd just be another acquaintance but I'd have an awkward past with her too. I know this...but I still ache over it a little, then I pick myself up and the rest of the day is fine, kind of an annoying cycle because it just wastes time and doesn't change anything. Edit: A lot of times I think "Why am I giving her so much time? She didn't care about being nice when she chose to run away" but I'm not able to hold it against her. I need the strength to remember that this is the same person I was so fond of. It's true that I have her on such a pedestal, why would I want this person in my life? There's no relationship potential and it's not like we would ever be close as friends even before this. I make this situation seem like such a big deal that burying it seems...wrong? What's wrong with me? I don't understand the way I am thinking at times like this. Came across it yesterday actually. Saudade. Ah yes that sure sounds familiar! I don't really have affection for her anymore but for some reason wish to be on better terms, even though it's normal for exes to not speak to each other again after breaking up. Not sure why I feel this way about this ex and not others. It must be because I feel so ashamed about my behaviour or that she was the first girl I was feeling quite settled with. Edited January 30, 2015 by Hula
Author Hula Posted March 1, 2015 Author Posted March 1, 2015 Hi all. I've been feeling pretty good lately and I've really not came close to messaging her at all. So I guess I'm on the right track. I still want her to have a better impression of me again someday, so maybe a while from now that could happen, but I'm glad that I haven't bothered her and dragged things up again. It's almost six months. Admittedly I still feel a bit tied to the past because I spent so long being down on her, it feels like a big part of my life even though it really wasn't. Does that make sense? I think it's a case of by walking away from it like I have been, it feels like it was all for nothing. (which it was, I didn't really solve anything by trying to fix it...) Most importantly I know I'd never do this to another person if I broke up with them. Why did I do this the first time around? Because it was the first relationship I felt secure in? My confidence and outlook at the time was poor? Anxious attachment indeed. I should speak to someone to iron out these niggles but I'm really embarrassed... Another wall of text from me.
Mi7522 Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Dude You're not doing yourself and favours by doing what you've done. Time to step back and work on you
Tarot777 Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Don't beat yourself up darlin xoxo We've all gone off the deep end or will at some point. Learn from your mistakes and keep going!
Author Hula Posted March 1, 2015 Author Posted March 1, 2015 Don't beat yourself up darlin xoxo We've all gone off the deep end or will at some point. Learn from your mistakes and keep going! Thanks! I know I won't do it again especially if someone flips on me and disappears like this girl did, though I can't help but want her approval again. (just so she sees me as a good person, not to get back together) Not sure if I can smooth things over further with her, might say something in a few months or might not. I shouldn't want to do it but I'd like to turn this into a positive after I've showed I'm not just someone that will bombard her with messages. A big part of me doesn't see any reason to be in contact with her ever again but I also want to just have one friendly conversation before leaving. I won't have messaged her for a long time so I hope by summer that's appropriate, if I decide to actually do it and ask if we can catch up someday, she offered to meet me a while ago in person which was a surprise, I'd settle for just a friendly chat online before parting ways again too. Dude You're not doing yourself and favours by doing what you've done. Time to step back and work on you Ah I am, just sometimes feel held back since I randomly associate things and places with her sometimes, kind of annoying. 1
Tarot777 Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 I feel the same, I just wanted to have a decent parting ways conversation with my ex, he wouldn't give it to me, kept hanging up, ignoring me, insulting me. I went nuts trying to get some closure, I just wanted to be heard. His ignoring drove me to madness and I ended up losing it too. I can relate to so much of what you posted
Author Hula Posted March 1, 2015 Author Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) I feel the same, I just wanted to have a decent parting ways conversation with my ex, he wouldn't give it to me, kept hanging up, ignoring me, insulting me. I went nuts trying to get some closure, I just wanted to be heard. His ignoring drove me to madness and I ended up losing it too. I can relate to so much of what you posted For me I was totally ignored for so long and I didn't understand why because I never did anything wrong to her, we didn't have a single argument or bit of tension. It's strange to me. I finally got her to talk to me but it was hostile, the last time we spoke she was kinder, still abrasive but she didn't say mean stuff to me as much and seemed to understand me at least a bit. The reasons she gave for breaking up with me made no sense as her behaviour the entire time was the complete opposite, it had been a while since it ended at that point and I think she was trying to hurt me, either that or she just was choosing not to remember the way things actually were. I shouldn't have dragged it out of her though but I felt so hard done by, to be honest I didn't really even think about if I was annoying her, I know how selfish that is but it's true, and it was just Facebook and I wasn't being malicious so I didn't think much of it, of course it's nowhere near as bad as people threatening exes or constantly trying to slander them but I know I messed up. I shouldn't have done it but the hope that I'd finally get her to talk to me again *this time* was the only thing that got me out of some sad moments. Too bad I kept repeating that over and over... Now that I stopped it, I'd really like to try having a nice conversation with her just to put a tidy end to the nonsense. I might do it during the summer when I know we're both done with university, and then it'll have been around 9 months since I last contacted her saying I was going to stop my behaviour. Does anyone think that is a really bad idea or have I left it long enough to try an olive branch? I'm definitely not trying to get her back and I mean that, it would just be nice to know I undid some of the damage to my character. The last time I spoke to her I asked if she might be able to forgive me if I stop what I was doing and she said ok, she probably didn't believe me and expected me back after a few days or weeks but I really hope that could be progress towards speaking on good terms someday. Edited March 1, 2015 by Hula
Itspointless Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Hi all. I've been feeling pretty good lately and I've really not came close to messaging her at all. So I guess I'm on the right track. [...] Anxious attachment indeed. I should speak to someone to iron out these niggles but I'm really embarrassed... That is a good idea. The embarrasment has to do with your anxiety.
Recommended Posts