tallblondegirl Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 I am 35 years old and currently involved in my first VERY serious relationship. I say "very serious" because all the others before him were fairly casual because I was so wrapped up in a career and never gave marriage a second thought. My problem is I think I need a relationship coach or something. In my youth when I was so intertwined in my career, I forgot to learn how to nurture, communicate and simply BE in a relationship. Now, I've been with this man for about a year and I want to marry him at some point but I'm afraid I'm beginning to lose him just because I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm supposed to be DOING at all. We've been through some very rough times together as he was diagnosed with cancer since we've been together. I've seen him through some bad nights where he's told me that had I not been there he would have lost it. But in spite of it all, he now seems to be pulling away from me. We live about 2 hours apart and seeing each other is limited to the weekends (when neither of us work) but the last 2 weekends, work and one of his out-of-town friends prevailed (and at the time I felt I should have been included at least for part of the weekend). Like I said, I'm 35 and not getting any younger. I have never felt this close to someone and want desperately for this to work. We've never said that we love each other and I think that may be what is causing some of my insecurity. But now his actions of pulling away from me seem to give me doubts too. I am so anxious for this to work that I have bought relationship book, after relationship book and am trying to put into play the tactics in the books. But like I said, the distance and his perceived withdrawl are a definite disadvantage. Please anyone who is good at matters of the heart give me some pointers. I feel like a child but that's what I get for putting the career first.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Firstly let me tell you - I know exactly what you are going through! I too spent most of my early adult life focused on career, and now 2 weeks shy of 40 I think I may be dating "the one" - FINALLY. Now onto your question - have you thought about flat out asking him? I always prefer the direct approach, generally the books and your friends will tell you to stop calling, be busy, blah, blah blah - but this has never worked for me. My guy and I have really only had one bad time - and it was directly due to the fact that everyone told me to stop speaking to him. Once I decided to ignore them, and talk to him (helped that he was sitting in my lobby waiting for me to get home) - ends up it was just a mutual misunderstanding! I had asked him to come to my house for the weekend (we live about 1.5 hours apart) and when he said no, and gave good reasons, I didn't understand why he didn't ask me to come to his. Ends up he didn't understand why I would feel the need for him to ask me to come, he was hurt that I hadn't suggested it. One possiblity for your guy - from the very little you have shared - is that he was feeling torn between his work and friend obligations and needing to be a good host for you, since you would be driving 2 hours to see him, etc. My b/f once expressed this concern to me - and when I made him understand that I didn't expect him to entertain me, but share life with me - he began to include me in more stuff. One question for you - if you truly believe you want to marry this guy, what are you going to do about the distance? I'm thinking about this myself - would love someone else's thoughts on this.
RecordProducer Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 NYC Girl, regarding the distance there are only two options available in case of marriage; either you move in with him or he with you. You know that. TALLblond, my experience says: 1. Men hate when women nag 2. Men love great sex 3. Most men like women who can cook 4. Men hate messy women even if they are messy themselves 5. Men despise women who run after them, call them all the time, check on them, etc. 6. Men hate women who are not good with money 7. Men like emotionally stable and rational women 8. Men love smart women 9. Men hate fights and arguments But above all: MEN LOVE WOMEN WHO MAKE THEM FEEL GREAT ABOUT THEMSELVES! This doesn't mean you should act like a puppy around him; quite on the contrary. He should simply feel great when he is with you. Like he is a great person. Support him, console him, be there for him, love him. Don't argue with him about his friends. If he truly loves you, he will ignore them and love you anyway. If he is in love with you, he will marry you. It's strange that he hasn't told you that he loves you yet though.
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