LDR - I Neglected Her and She Started Seeing Someone Else

December 28, 2014

I am very new to this forum and kind of nervous about it. I will try to be as quick as possible, without sacrificing any details. I'm pretty sure I already know the answer but I'm looking for some insight...

2 months ago, my gf of two years said she no longers feel the same way about me anymore. We had a few months where we basically "drifted apart." Long story short, her and I have know each other for about 8 years and we had dated of and on before but it never amounted to anything because I never followed up with her. Throughout the years, I heard through mutual friends that she really liked me and always wanted to get back together. I always had feelings for her as well and we shared so many interests so I called her up and we started seeing each other. It was kind of tough because we lived an hour apart and didnt always have the same days off but we made it work.

Throughout the next year or so, even though we only got together a few times a month, we did alot - concerts, festivals, day trips to the zoo, lots of dinners, and just spending alot of time with each other. And it was wonderful. In a way, I felt that since she was always curious about me that I was a "dream come true" for her and I was starting to believe that I could spend the rest of my life with her. She was always so giving and always willing to go out of her way to come see me. I reciprocated as much as I could but something changed in November.

She got a new job which is a "male-dominated" job and her days off changed and we stopped seeing each other. I was working alot and almost 2 months went by where we didnt see each other. I began ignoring her calls and barely answered her texts. I knew something was off and could feel us drifting but I never reached out because in some sort of terrible, cocky, unappreciative way, I figured I could do whatever and she'd always be there when I was ready...

By the time I caught up to her, she had told me she was heartbroken that we hadnt seen each other and that she spent alot of time crying and missing me and hated life and when I ignored her calls and barely talked it slowly ate away at her. Her way of coping with it was like being dumped (and I can't blame her) so she moved on and all she feels now is anger and resentment towards me.

I feel terrible for what I put her through. Eventually, she admitted to me that she started seeing someone else - really even before we officially "broke up." Turns out he's a coworker at her new job who she's only known for 3 months... I freaked out - the usual begging, pleading, admitting of love and my mistakes and saying "we could make it work." Even though it was all true, it was all too late. The sad thing is, I never said these things before our breakup - I always wanted to but when the time came, I just couldn't force the words out.

I really do love her and my reasons for neglecting her at the time were selfish and motiviated by my own insecurites and doubts about where we were headed as a couple. But now that she's gone, I'd do anything to take it all back and make it right. November was a horrible month because she rarely talked to me and when she gave me her ear, all I said was I loved her and that I'm sorry - which i know she didnt want to hear at the time. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me. So on December 1st, I pretty went no contact - not to get her back but bc that's the only way I feel like I can love her now - by honoring her space. If she's trying to make a new life with this new guy (rebound or not) I cannot be involved in her life anymore.

We havent spoken in 27 days and it hurts alot knowing what I put her through to bring her to that breaking point. During this NC period, I've taken alot of personal inventory and worked on my own faults and faced the reasons why I neglected her and whethere or not she comes back, I know I'll never make the same mistake twice.

Would anyone have any insight on whether we can reconcile our relationship or is she just completely gone forever? Is my love for her true? I never told her she meant the world to me. I never told her I loved her until after we broke up...what does that mean?? Its killing me...

I know patience is a virture and what's meant to be will always find a way, but damn, I miss her so much and I feel so much remorse for never saying those things.

Thank you for listening! Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Edited December 28, 2014 by HalfOfMyMistakes83

December 28, 2014

Not sure how she could break up with you to start seeing someone else when you weren't taking her calls or answering her texts.

I think this will be one for you to chalk up for the lesson book and hopefully you do learn from it.

December 28, 2014

Yeah, same here. I know she was very alone in her new job and doesn't have any friends and I just think this guy was there when I wasn't so she made a decision to help herself. Kinda sucks though, made me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for.

December 28, 2014

Yeah, same here. I know she was very alone in her new job and doesn't have any friends and I just think this guy was there when I wasn't so she made a decision to help herself. Kinda sucks though, made me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for.

From your OP, it didn't sound like you were; what with all the ignoring of the texts, and the lack of effort you put in.

I'm sure it hurts, but try putting yourself in her shoes - how long would you have waited around or "fought for" someone who was choosing to ignore you for lengthy periods of time?

December 28, 2014

That is very true. I hate to be all self-loathing like that but at the end of the day, I know what you mean. I guess it sucks more because I while I wasn't who pulled the trigger - I was the one holding the gun.

I would do anything to make it right with her but I feel she's too far gone. I was very unappreciative of her love. I guess I was a prisoner of my own blindness. I don't know what I love till it's gone and in this case, it is so true.

While "No Contact" is what started this whole thing, I know it probably wont "work" in getting her back - so I've come to terms with that and my own faults when it came to how I made her feel. I guess in all, it's a lesson in what not to do.

December 28, 2014

Yeah, same here. I know she was very alone in her new job and doesn't have any friends and I just think this guy was there when I wasn't so she made a decision to help herself. Kinda sucks though, made me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for.

I will ask this gently, how long should she have continued trying to connect with you? You ignored her repeated phone calls and texts. She was fighting for you until she got the message loud and clear that you did not want to continue with the relationship.

December 28, 2014

That is very true. I hate to be all self-loathing like that but at the end of the day, I know what you mean. I guess it sucks more because I while I wasn't who pulled the trigger - I was the one holding the gun.

I would do anything to make it right with her but I feel she's too far gone. I was very unappreciative of her love. I guess I was a prisoner of my own blindness. I don't know what I love till it's gone and in this case, it is so true.

While "No Contact" is what started this whole thing, I know it probably wont "work" in getting her back - so I've come to terms with that and my own faults when it came to how I made her feel. I guess in all, it's a lesson in what not to do.

I don't think lamenting on the past, and self-loathing will help you get her back; in fact it will cripple you in other aspects of your life.

I absolutely agree with the bolded. You can learn from this experience, and better handle your next relationship (yes, you'll find love again, even if you may not want to, or don't believe you will).

I think it would help you to take some time to reflect on which areas of your life you can improve (doesn't just have to be relationship based) and work towards improving them. This will provide a healthy way to distract yourself, while being productive. The New Year is a few days away, think of it as a brand new start, and try to create a positive one for yourself.

None of us can predict what the future holds, but we can definitely try to be prepared, by becoming the best version of ourselves.

December 28, 2014

I will ask this gently, how long should she have continued trying to connect with you? You ignored her repeated phone calls and texts. She was fighting for you until she got the message loud and clear that you did not want to continue with the relationship.

You're right. 100% right. I really messed up with her and put her through so much undeserved pain. My state of mind then was very convoluted with my own selfishness and I never gave it a second thought as to what she was going through and when I caught on - she had already fought the battle.

I know I really let her down and quite frankly, I don't blame her one bit for doing what she did. I probably would have done the same thing.

Even with all the pain and anger I made her feel, I hope she can forgive me one day.

December 28, 2014

I don't think lamenting on the past, and self-loathing will help you get her back; in fact it will cripple you in other aspects of your life.

I absolutely agree with the bolded. You can learn from this experience, and better handle your next relationship (yes, you'll find love again, even if you may not want to, or don't believe you will).

I think it would help you to take some time to reflect on which areas of your life you can improve (doesn't just have to be relationship based) and work towards improving them. This will provide a healthy way to distract yourself, while being productive. The New Year is a few days away, think of it as a brand new start, and try to create a positive one for yourself.

None of us can predict what the future holds, but we can definitely try to be prepared, by becoming the best version of ourselves.

Thank you for your response. Whether or not there is a time in the future for her and I reconnect, I have learned alot about myself and my short-comings from this, and I know I can be a better person. I will take what I've learned and carry it with me. If she forgives me, perhaps we can carry on on a different level with a friendship - or not - there's probably no coming back for her because I was truly a jerk for neglecting her.

I will carry it into my next relationship and make sure it never happens again.

December 28, 2014

You're right. 100% right. I really messed up with her and put her through so much undeserved pain. My state of mind then was very convoluted with my own selfishness and I never gave it a second thought as to what she was going through and when I caught on - she had already fought the battle.

I know I really let her down and quite frankly, I don't blame her one bit for doing what she did. I probably would have done the same thing.

Even with all the pain and anger I made her feel, I hope she can forgive me one day.

She may or she may not. You should however forgive yourself. We all make mistakes while in relationships and from them we grow. It sounds like you learned a valuable lesson and will not be repeating the same mistakes again.

December 28, 2014

Thank you for your response. Whether or not there is a time in the future for her and I reconnect, I have learned alot about myself and my short-comings from this, and I know I can be a better person. I will take what I've learned and carry it with me. If she forgives me, perhaps we can carry on on a different level with a friendship - or not - there's probably no coming back for her because I was truly a jerk for neglecting her.

I will carry it into my next relationship and make sure it never happens again.

Just make sure the next person you apply that knowledge to is worthy of that knowledge. Too often we hit a low in our own acknowledgement to give too much lee-way to the next person, make sure the person who gets that understanding from you is worthy to know it.

December 28, 2014

She may or she may not. You should however forgive yourself. We all make mistakes while in relationships and from them we grow. It sounds like you learned a valuable lesson and will not be repeating the same mistakes again.

You can bet your bottom dollar I won't. Thank you very much for your response. I know this is a "tough love" situation when everyone should be saying "You effed up buddy." The only thing to do is learn from it like you've said.

Thank you again.

December 28, 2014

Yeah, same here. I know she was very alone in her new job and doesn't have any friends and I just think this guy was there when I wasn't so she made a decision to help herself. Kinda sucks though, made me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for.

I think you made her feel like she wasn't worth fighting for. If the guy I cared about was ignoring me I would feel lower than dirt on the ground.

The strange thing is it seems like this girl cared a lot for you and you just took that for granted, and even now you have somehow managed to turn this around into what she didn't do for you. I mean, I'm sorry guy but life is not a party in your honor. What self-respecting girl really wants to run around chasing a guy who dangles the carrot and holds out the hoop so that he can determine whether or not she thinks he is worth fighting for?

December 28, 2014

You can bet your bottom dollar I won't. Thank you very much for your response. I know this is a "tough love" situation when everyone should be saying "You effed up buddy." The only thing to do is learn from it like you've said.

Thank you again.

And that is all you can do.....we can't fix what is messed up in other people's lives...so if you get the "you effed up buddy" speech...it's just what it is.

December 28, 2014

That's not what I meant and that's not what I feel. In fact, I don't know why I wrote that bc looking at things from her persepctive - I wasn't. Still there is no fault in how she helped herself. I would have done the same thing if I were her.

Please know that I never once put any blame on her. She did nothing wrong. This whole situation was a result of my actions (or INACTIONS more so).

I do appreciate your POV though - reading what I wrote, I'd probably say the same thing but that isn't how I feel. I am at fault. Plain and simple.

December 28, 2014

I think you made her feel like she wasn't worth fighting for. If the guy I cared about was ignoring me I would feel lower than dirt on the ground.

The strange thing is it seems like this girl cared a lot for you and you just took that for granted, and even now you have somehow managed to turn this around into what she didn't do for you. I mean, I'm sorry guy but life is not a party in your honor. What self-respecting girl really wants to run around chasing a guy who dangles the carrot and holds out the hoop so that he can determine whether or not she thinks he is worth fighting for?

That's not what I meant and that's not what I feel. In fact, I don't know why I wrote that bc looking at things from her persepctive - I wasn't. Still there is no fault in how she helped herself. I would have done the same thing if I were her.

Please know that I never once put any blame on her. She did nothing wrong. This whole situation was a result of my actions (or INACTIONS more so).

I do appreciate your POV though - reading what I wrote, I'd probably say the same thing but that isn't how I feel. I am at fault. Plain and simple.

December 28, 2014

That's not what I meant and that's not what I feel. In fact, I don't know why I wrote that bc looking at things from her persepctive - I wasn't. Still there is no fault in how she helped herself. I would have done the same thing if I were her.

Please know that I never once put any blame on her. She did nothing wrong. This whole situation was a result of my actions (or INACTIONS more so).

I do appreciate your POV though - reading what I wrote, I'd probably say the same thing but that isn't how I feel. I am at fault. Plain and simple.

Just remember this:

Everyone has a breaking point. It doesn't mean they don't or did not care about you just because a person pushes them to the point of break and they leave, etc. It is important to treat people with love, consideration, respect, and honesty. Nothing is a guarantee when it comes to relationships working out but I certainly do believe you can help yourself out by stacking the odds in your favor with good treatment of others.

Some people just want to test others - they push a person to the point of break and when said person leaves, they sit back and say "so and so must not have really loved me"

December 28, 2014

Just remember this:

Everyone has a breaking point. It doesn't mean they don't or did not care about you just because a person pushes them to the point of break and they leave, etc. It is important to treat people with love, consideration, respect, and honesty. Nothing is a guarantee when it comes to relationships working out but I certainly do believe you can help yourself out by stacking the odds in your favor with good treatment of others.

Some people just want to test others - they push a person to the point of break and when said person leaves, they sit back and say "so and so must not have really loved me"

That is a very good point. Thank you so much for your insight. Obviously, I wish I had known what I know now when all of this was happening. It was never my intention to hurt her. I'm 31...this was my 3rd relationship in my life. 1st one lasted 4 years. 2nd lasted a year and now this one and it was my first LDR.

I know people can change. I know I have changed. And through all of this, life goes on.

Thank you again.

December 28, 2014

That is a very good point. Thank you so much for your insight. Obviously, I wish I had known what I know now when all of this was happening. It was never my intention to hurt her. I'm 31...this was my 3rd relationship in my life. 1st one lasted 4 years. 2nd lasted a year and now this one and it was my first LDR.

I know people can change. I know I have changed. And through all of this, life goes on.

Thank you again.

If I may ask...how was your communication in those other relationships?

December 28, 2014

If I may ask...how was your communication in those other relationships?

Very well, I think. My first major relationship was in high school and we dated for 4 years but we eventually grew apart with college and jobs and it became a mutual break up with no bad feelings. The second came about 10 years later and I was head over heals for the girl and became too clingy and whiney and after a year I guess she just felt suffocated and called it off. And now this one, after 2 years, I became complacent and with the distance factor, I was not emotionally there for her. Some of it was fear from becoming too clingy again and some of it was alot of depression over my own situation (job, finances...) and I unintentionally shut her out making her feel unworthy.

It stinks because I never lost love for her - I just became trapped in my own world and built a wall and left her outside of it. I really would do anything to make it up to her. Anything in the world. Now though, I feel the only thing I can do is honor her space and let her live her life. She is probably still very angry with me and if there's any hope of reconciling things in the future, it's not going to happen with me spilling my guts after she's moved on and doesn't want to here it. I should have said everything I said in that "desperation" phase of our break-up, or when I felt somethign was wrong. But I didn't and for the life of me, I don't know why. She truly means the world to me.

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LDR - I Neglected Her and She Started Seeing Someone Else

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